struggling with AA. Alternatives?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 29
struggling with AA. Alternatives?
I've been going to AA meetings for three and a half weeks now. I have done quite a bit of talking (not much of a talker people on this board suggested I speak up because people are more likely to come up to you after if you do), and I have stayed behind after most meetings in an attempt to connect with others (and help clean up). This, so far, has been my experience:
1. I've had 2-3 women come up to me and give me their number and say hi, only to never return to that meeting again (despite them telling me they were regulars).
2. It was because of a MAN in the program that I was finally able to meet a couple of women and that only happened last week. I was told by one of the men that this meeting has a lot of "strong" women with many years of sobriety. That may be, but I have also noticed that they are incredibly cliquey and don't do much socializing with newer members at all (interestingly, the men don't seem to do this). Someone actually walked out of a meeting the other day because the speaker kept calling on her friends, all of whom are people who speak at every bloody meeting! Luckily one of the really cool guys followed him out and had a chat with him. That brings me to my next point:
3. I've noticed that the men at the two groups I frequent have, on a few occasions now, gone up to the new guy in group and invited him out for coffee, etc. Now, I don't expect women to ask me out for coffee, but wtf? I have been putting myself out there nearly every day (sometimes twice/day), sharing when called on, etc and still I feel like a total outsider. What frustrates me most is the fact that I constantly hear the secretary talk about how oldtimers need to go up to newcomers and introduce themselves and get to know them!
4. People who share at the meetings I frequent (there are 2) keep starting their share with, "Oh you all know my story already, I don't need to retell it" so they don't and instead go off on some weird, irrelevant tangent. As a result, I haven't heard many actual stories since starting the program. I LOVE the step study and BB stuff, but I want to hear about other people's experiences too!
I have been to 8 or 9 different meetings now. I'm only interested in going back to two of them. I recently heard about another women's meeting and I would like to give it a go, but at this point I'm so exhausted from putting myself out there so much, I'm not sure I'll actually go through with it. I have met a couple of nice women, but of the nice women I've met one keeps relapsing every 3 months, another is still using drugs, and another is at a meeting 30-40 mins away. I do go to the meeting that's far away, but time constraints mean I can't really get there more than once/week. So here I am, moaning on sr lol Sorry about that, just exhausted from trying to make this program "work" for me. I'm seriously considering limiting meetings to 2-3/week and spending the rest of the time pursuing some new hobbies lol. Anyways, if anyone knows of any good alternatives to AA, I'm all ears!
1. I've had 2-3 women come up to me and give me their number and say hi, only to never return to that meeting again (despite them telling me they were regulars).
2. It was because of a MAN in the program that I was finally able to meet a couple of women and that only happened last week. I was told by one of the men that this meeting has a lot of "strong" women with many years of sobriety. That may be, but I have also noticed that they are incredibly cliquey and don't do much socializing with newer members at all (interestingly, the men don't seem to do this). Someone actually walked out of a meeting the other day because the speaker kept calling on her friends, all of whom are people who speak at every bloody meeting! Luckily one of the really cool guys followed him out and had a chat with him. That brings me to my next point:
3. I've noticed that the men at the two groups I frequent have, on a few occasions now, gone up to the new guy in group and invited him out for coffee, etc. Now, I don't expect women to ask me out for coffee, but wtf? I have been putting myself out there nearly every day (sometimes twice/day), sharing when called on, etc and still I feel like a total outsider. What frustrates me most is the fact that I constantly hear the secretary talk about how oldtimers need to go up to newcomers and introduce themselves and get to know them!
4. People who share at the meetings I frequent (there are 2) keep starting their share with, "Oh you all know my story already, I don't need to retell it" so they don't and instead go off on some weird, irrelevant tangent. As a result, I haven't heard many actual stories since starting the program. I LOVE the step study and BB stuff, but I want to hear about other people's experiences too!
I have been to 8 or 9 different meetings now. I'm only interested in going back to two of them. I recently heard about another women's meeting and I would like to give it a go, but at this point I'm so exhausted from putting myself out there so much, I'm not sure I'll actually go through with it. I have met a couple of nice women, but of the nice women I've met one keeps relapsing every 3 months, another is still using drugs, and another is at a meeting 30-40 mins away. I do go to the meeting that's far away, but time constraints mean I can't really get there more than once/week. So here I am, moaning on sr lol Sorry about that, just exhausted from trying to make this program "work" for me. I'm seriously considering limiting meetings to 2-3/week and spending the rest of the time pursuing some new hobbies lol. Anyways, if anyone knows of any good alternatives to AA, I'm all ears!
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
There are many ways to sobriety other than AA. Some of them put you in charge and teach you to get sober on your own, just like folks did before AA came along. Take a look in our Secular Connections Forum for some lively discussion on non 12 step ideas. You can also look here for a list of other popular approaches. I like the AVRT idea myself.
If you really like the AA spiritual model, maybe you just need to try another group.
If you really like the AA spiritual model, maybe you just need to try another group.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
AA isn't the problem.
1) Did you call the numbers that the ladies gave you? Maybe they are going to other meetings.
2) Oldtimers can be "cliquey" , keep coming and they'll open up to you.
3) Ask one of the oldtimer ladies if you can join her for a coffee after. Don't wait to be asked.
Why only go to women's meetings? Why not go to mixed open and closed meetings? Get with another newcomer or two and hit different meetings together.
All the best.
Bob R
1) Did you call the numbers that the ladies gave you? Maybe they are going to other meetings.
2) Oldtimers can be "cliquey" , keep coming and they'll open up to you.
3) Ask one of the oldtimer ladies if you can join her for a coffee after. Don't wait to be asked.
Why only go to women's meetings? Why not go to mixed open and closed meetings? Get with another newcomer or two and hit different meetings together.
All the best.
Bob R
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I've often seen it recommended here that women go to womens meetings Bob.
A lot of women simply feel more comfortable that way. Seems sensible to me.
Iamtoru, if you think AA and not the meetings is the problem for you, there's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
Like Freshstart said I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach
D
A lot of women simply feel more comfortable that way. Seems sensible to me.
Iamtoru, if you think AA and not the meetings is the problem for you, there's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
Like Freshstart said I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Sorry you feel yo aren't being received as you need in the meetings. I do know that AA can be particularly hard for a woman just coming into the rooms.
Most would advise you hit other meetings, but for a newcomer I know that can be hard to do. It takes some guts to walk into a new room.
That aside, I have witnessed many newcomers come through the door and not be received as warmly as is needed, and in some meetings newcomers are overwhelmed with attention.
We are unique in how we react to new people and new situations, but our problem with alcohol certainly isn't.
I would call some of those folks who gave you their numbers. That's the way it works. A newcomer comes into the meet, folks give them their number, and they wait for the newcomer to call.
Others may frown on it, but I am also a big fan of newcomers sharing in the meetings that they are looking for a temporary sponsor.
Please keep posting here, and while there are many paths to recovery, I suspect the motivation that got you into a meet in the first place cries for that face-to-face support from others who have gone before you. Keep GOING back!
Most would advise you hit other meetings, but for a newcomer I know that can be hard to do. It takes some guts to walk into a new room.
That aside, I have witnessed many newcomers come through the door and not be received as warmly as is needed, and in some meetings newcomers are overwhelmed with attention.
We are unique in how we react to new people and new situations, but our problem with alcohol certainly isn't.
I would call some of those folks who gave you their numbers. That's the way it works. A newcomer comes into the meet, folks give them their number, and they wait for the newcomer to call.
Others may frown on it, but I am also a big fan of newcomers sharing in the meetings that they are looking for a temporary sponsor.
Please keep posting here, and while there are many paths to recovery, I suspect the motivation that got you into a meet in the first place cries for that face-to-face support from others who have gone before you. Keep GOING back!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 29
Sorry if this wasn't clear in my post, but I've only actually been to one women's meeting.
Bob, thanks for your post. I reread my posting, and I think I can see that the problem is with me, not AA. I have MAJOR trust issues thanks to childhood abuse, etc. I'm receiving one on one help for this, but it's because of these issues that I'm unable to just go up to people (most of whom are probably not jerks) and ask them for coffee or call them to check in- just the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach, gives me panic attacks, etc. I understand people there want to help, but I don't think it's a good option for me at this stage in my recovery so am hoping someone here can offer some alternatives. Looks like someone has. Thanks for that- really really appreciate it.
Bob, thanks for your post. I reread my posting, and I think I can see that the problem is with me, not AA. I have MAJOR trust issues thanks to childhood abuse, etc. I'm receiving one on one help for this, but it's because of these issues that I'm unable to just go up to people (most of whom are probably not jerks) and ask them for coffee or call them to check in- just the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach, gives me panic attacks, etc. I understand people there want to help, but I don't think it's a good option for me at this stage in my recovery so am hoping someone here can offer some alternatives. Looks like someone has. Thanks for that- really really appreciate it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
A lot of recovery programmes offer online meetings now - some, Like Rational Recovery have no meetings at all.
I concede absolutely face to face support is probably best for most....but many of us have gotten sober, and stayed that way, without it
diff'rent strokes...
D
I concede absolutely face to face support is probably best for most....but many of us have gotten sober, and stayed that way, without it
diff'rent strokes...
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Going to 2/3 meetings a week is fine!
I got sober on 3 meetings a week, this gave me plenty of time to work through the steps with my sponsor. There is someone at the meetings that will sponsor you and be able to help if you really look for them.
Don't get down about this matter, the steps are the program of AA and working them will get you sober. Having been around a bit in sobriety i have found vast differences in the different areas i have been to meeting wise and i have seen the clique thing, why is it women that are much worse than men for this?! Dunno!
Good luck and keep going:-)
I got sober on 3 meetings a week, this gave me plenty of time to work through the steps with my sponsor. There is someone at the meetings that will sponsor you and be able to help if you really look for them.
Don't get down about this matter, the steps are the program of AA and working them will get you sober. Having been around a bit in sobriety i have found vast differences in the different areas i have been to meeting wise and i have seen the clique thing, why is it women that are much worse than men for this?! Dunno!
Good luck and keep going:-)
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Reading the big book of AA online helped me amoungst other things . There is a lot of good sence and knowledge in it .
I hav'nt been to a meeting, yet if i felt my sobriety was at risk i'd be kicking their doors down.
Work at what works for you, it's not a cakewalk and you've got to keep on at it, in my experience the rewards are worth it .
bestwishes M
I hav'nt been to a meeting, yet if i felt my sobriety was at risk i'd be kicking their doors down.
Work at what works for you, it's not a cakewalk and you've got to keep on at it, in my experience the rewards are worth it .
bestwishes M
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i can relate to the trust issues. i was at the point of desperation when i got into AA. i didnt know a single person at any of the meetings and didnt know who was really sober and who was full of crap, so it took time for them to earn my trust just as it took time for meto earn their trust.personally i didnt give a crap if anyone asked me out for coffe or dinner, i wasnt gonna go. i had serious self esteem issues. i didnt care. it was either get sober or kill myself. i didnt go to AA to make new friends. i went because i had a problem with alcohol and it was get sober or kill myself. if you are there to meet new friends and be invited out to dinner, yer motives are in the wrong place.
beings how you live in san francisco, i am sure there are quite a few meetings, so the chances they are regulars and you havent seen them at the metign you have been to is because they also go to other meetings.
i dont know if you are lookin to hear drunken monologues, which we all know, or not, but we have all lived that. open yer ears better and listen. IMO, you should concentrate on listening more than talking.
give it T.I.M.E. how long did you drink for? ya just gonna give up on something that sounds like you are likin after a short time? personally, i drank for about 23 years, so i have16 more years before i decide iffen i like AA or not, but if its anything like i got now, i think i'll be stickin around then,too.
beings how you live in san francisco, i am sure there are quite a few meetings, so the chances they are regulars and you havent seen them at the metign you have been to is because they also go to other meetings.
i dont know if you are lookin to hear drunken monologues, which we all know, or not, but we have all lived that. open yer ears better and listen. IMO, you should concentrate on listening more than talking.
give it T.I.M.E. how long did you drink for? ya just gonna give up on something that sounds like you are likin after a short time? personally, i drank for about 23 years, so i have16 more years before i decide iffen i like AA or not, but if its anything like i got now, i think i'll be stickin around then,too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Auckland NZ
Posts: 90
When you share, it is good to say what's going on for you. Say, I'm doing this alone, I need support from women. And tell your higher power about it too!
Sometimes old timers just get a bit comfortable and some meetings can be a bit shallow due to this. Today I was in a cliquey meeting and when asked to share tried to explain how it was being spiritually bankrupt these past five years. I had to stop as tears started rolling. Now that was uncomfortable. Result was I met an amazing man who gave me great advice. (I'm a man).
Share your hope - you hope to meet supportive women, you hope to get a sponsor. This way you are putting it out there without the need to approach one on one.
Don't give up you will meet the right women to help you.
Sometimes old timers just get a bit comfortable and some meetings can be a bit shallow due to this. Today I was in a cliquey meeting and when asked to share tried to explain how it was being spiritually bankrupt these past five years. I had to stop as tears started rolling. Now that was uncomfortable. Result was I met an amazing man who gave me great advice. (I'm a man).
Share your hope - you hope to meet supportive women, you hope to get a sponsor. This way you are putting it out there without the need to approach one on one.
Don't give up you will meet the right women to help you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
that's not AA thats people. AA isnt like a group therapy where there is a councelor overseeing it, making sure eveyone is included. In my experience women are always harder to get to know and befriend. Some women see other women as competion..this is at school, work, church, AA, whatever...its the queen bee syndrome. Put a new boy and new girl in a classroom & 9 times out of 10 the boy will make friends faster. Just go and listen. If you feel like sharing then share.
As far as alternatives look up Celebrate Recovery. Its fun but it isnt a 1 hour sit down. The average meeting is about 2-3 hours.
As far as alternatives look up Celebrate Recovery. Its fun but it isnt a 1 hour sit down. The average meeting is about 2-3 hours.
AA member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: United Kingdom.
Posts: 3,007
Sorry to hear of your struggle iamtoru.
Please dont be disheartened,it is early days for you.
Keep going to the meetings,try some different ones if you can.The right people will be put in your path.
I went to a lot of meetings in my early days.Today I still go to a lot of meetings and they all vary in their own little ways.
Wishing you well.
Please dont be disheartened,it is early days for you.
Keep going to the meetings,try some different ones if you can.The right people will be put in your path.
I went to a lot of meetings in my early days.Today I still go to a lot of meetings and they all vary in their own little ways.
Wishing you well.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
I am glad you are getting one-on-one professional help for your child abuse issues. The problems with trust and social interaction those experiences have created for you likely go beyond AA, although I can see that there are aspects of AA that would be particularly triggering. You may or may not find those aspects in other recovery groups.
One thing you might try is some SMART Recovery online meetings. We have at least two each day on the SMART website.
One thing you might try is some SMART Recovery online meetings. We have at least two each day on the SMART website.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
It sounds like you've gotten lots of good advice on alternatives here, so hopefully you will find something that works for you. And, I think it's great that you're getting help for dealing with your trust issues. Be patient with yourself, and remember that there is always support here at SR.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by iamtoru 
Sorry if this wasn't clear in my post, but I've only actually been to one women's meeting.
Bob, thanks for your post. I reread my posting, and I think I can see that the problem is with me, not AA. I have MAJOR trust issues thanks to childhood abuse, etc. I'm receiving one on one help for this, but it's because of these issues that I'm unable to just go up to people (most of whom are probably not jerks) and ask them for coffee or call them to check in- just the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach, gives me panic attacks, etc. I understand people there want to help, but I don't think it's a good option for me at this stage in my recovery so am hoping someone here can offer some alternatives. Looks like someone has. Thanks for that- really really appreciate it.
Bob, thanks for your post. I reread my posting, and I think I can see that the problem is with me, not AA. I have MAJOR trust issues thanks to childhood abuse, etc. I'm receiving one on one help for this, but it's because of these issues that I'm unable to just go up to people (most of whom are probably not jerks) and ask them for coffee or call them to check in- just the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach, gives me panic attacks, etc. I understand people there want to help, but I don't think it's a good option for me at this stage in my recovery so am hoping someone here can offer some alternatives. Looks like someone has. Thanks for that- really really appreciate it.
When I began to talk to the other members as openly as I could I found that many of them had worse stories than mine. My first sponsor went blind as a child (8-9 yrs old) and was sent to a school in a city to learn how to live with his disability. When I met him he was about 13 yrs sober and one of the most liked "together" people you would ever meet. All through the AA program. He saved my life !!
AA's "How It Works" puts it best "Even those with grave emotional and mental disorders do recover if they have the capacity to be honest". That's why I go to meetings today.
If the program doesn't work for me... it's because I'm not "working it" or not being completely honest.
I wish you the best in your recovery. Please don't settle for an easier, softer way.
All the best.
Bob R
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
I kept hearing about a different meeting that was further away from my meeting and I never went. This time around, I went to that other meeting, and now I have 7 months of sobriety. I found that my Higher Power was trying to tell me about that other meeting and I wasn't listening.
I am so grateful that I went to that other meeting!!!!
I am so grateful that I went to that other meeting!!!!
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