headstrong

I am taking everything said here and sitting on it. I just want to make one clarification. I never said custody. I am asking for visitation every other weekend.

headstrong

I'm sorry about the title Dee. I agree, they shouldn't be in the middle. But that is the reality of the situation. I am a man (strike 1) and I am an alcoholic (strike 2, 3, 4, and 5). It will be an uphill battle.

jobei

Keep your head up man... and remember without being sober you're kid is probably better off NOT seeing you. I remind myself of this daily. Without the drink things will be better when dealing with the EX I guarantee you!

Pigtails

My advice is to try to change your thinking -- don't think of yourself as a victim but think of yourself as the good, upstanding man you want to be. A sober, hard-working, committed, dedicated, recovering father.

ReadyAndAble

I don't know anything about family law. But I do know about being an alcoholic and a single parent.

For an alcoholic, 93 days is amazing. (94 now!) That is a huge achievement, and you should be very proud. Watch out for resentment and bitterness though—those are addiction's greatest allies. For me, it has been essential to assume the best about others, including my ex. Especially my ex, actually. She's the mother of my child. She loves our daughter, and would do anything for her, and that's what matters most. She still drives me nuts sometimes, and has trouble seeing things from anyone's perspective but her own... but you know what? In a way that's OK. She is who she is. At the very least, it's a useful reminder of why I should be glad we're no longer together, lol...

And as a single parent, I know how hard it is to be separated from your daughter. It is a terrible feeling, and I'm really sorry you are going through it. But I would encourage you to take the long view. She's just a baby—she will have no memory of this at all. When she's older, it will not have mattered one bit how many days of the week you spent with her at this age. What will matter is whether you stayed sober. What will also matter is whether her parents let disagreements escalate into endless war. The choices you make regarding these issues will have a huge impact on her future.

This is not about 90 days or six months or even a year. This is about a lifetime. Take the long view, and I am sure both you and your daughter will ultimately come out ahead.

BelizeDiver

Hi Headstrong,

Based on your own posts listed above and the 20+ unanimous support/advise posts from your alcoholic peers, I think the verdict is clear.

First I would take the good advise and work on yourself and just be grateful for anytime you get with your daughter as it will only get better over time.

Second, I would not chance it in court based on what you readily admit above as it will only get worse for you and your daughter.

Hope the best, A

BD

katrinka

Before you go to court, make sure you're behaving like a great father. Paying child support, staying sober, living in a stable environment and keeping your mind clear from resentment and anger. You had this child, now you have to be a responsible, mature adult and give her what she deserves, a good father. All your focus should be on that. And congrats on 90 days, good job!

headstrong

I appreciate all of the suggestions, I really do. But something happened last weekend that solidified the fact that she will continue to play the victim. I will never get to have my daughter on her birthday, holidays, or special occasions if I continue letting my ex drive the bus.

I'm getting a lawyer this week, I'm willing to take the risk. This way child support will be on the books and she cannot come after me later for it. This way I will have scheduled visits, hopefully unsupervised, on a regular basis that doesn't revolve around her crazy work schedule (retail). This way I might actually get to have her for a holiday and her next birthday. This way I will know where I stand legally, my ex seems to think I have no legal rights as the father at this point and she is being more than generous letting me see her for what little time I have.

So I get to see my daughter yesterday which is usually great. We were to pick her up at 10:15am and have her back by 3pm. That is 90 minutes in the car, what turned out to be a two hour nap after feeding her, which didn't give me any time to spend with her. To top it off, we end up dropping her off with the babysitter because her mom had to work. Now keep in mind my visits are supervised by my aunt. There is no reason whatsoever that I couldn't have kept her instead of dropping her off with her babysitter. I don't understand the logic.

I have also filed a case in small claims court to get my personal property back out of the house. Six months later and I haven't been able to go back. Why she wants to keep my things around the house is beyond me.

Fallow

I feel for you headstrong. My daughter just turned 1. She is the most important part of my life by far. Her Mom and I have been through a lot too in the past year separations, police, and more. I wont bore with the details.

Through all of it I learned that its up to me to handle my responsibilities and know what those are. That doesnt include controlling anyone else. I changed who I was and how I react to situations. Im spending a lot of time teaching myself to think before I speak and act. And Im not trying to concern myself with crystal balling what I think the future will hold...that was a big issue Ive had which I see coming through in your posts.

Be happy you have a happy healthy daughter. If she naps while you have her, id just watch her sleep or cuddle with her.

I can imagine how hard all of this is but if you do the right things the outcomes will get better.

jobei

Sounds like a control issue to me... but it's HER issue and not yours. You gotta focus on yourself and your actions and don't worry about her "logic". I'm glad to hear you are going to followthrough in court... that was a big mistake I made... I just tried to "work" things out and it just wasn't possible. PAY that child support... your kid needs it! It's also the law but just keep in mind that it is probably a tiny amount compared to how much time/money your ex puts into your child. When you do mediate in court just stick to matters concerning your daughter. Try to avoid discussing issues revolving around your ex and yourself... those things won't help your child out at all! Getting things "On the Record" is very important going forward. I've found that the court system is definately geared against the non custodial parent... but there's good reason for it... many of them are DEADBEATS. It makes it harder for those of us that want to do right by our children... but if you put in the effort and listen to the court... they WILL listen to you as well. Good luck my friend.

headstrong

So I had my initial consult last week and hired an attorney to represent me. She comes highly recommended. As it turns out, I don't have any rights as a father at this point. That was an eye opener to hear.

I didn't go to a lawyer out of spite or anger. I am simply doing it to get, what I thought, were natural rights as a father to spend time with my daughter. Time is on my side. The longer I am sober, the better it looks, and the better person I am. The other thing that stuck is that once the social workers get involved and do their evaluation, they will see that I can be a good father and they will have little to worry about. They can go back to the courts and to my ex and say they are not as concerned as my ex is and I should have more access to my daughter. I think I did the right thing. I at least got the ball rolling.

m1k3

Even with the short visitation you have now you could be more of a father to her than my alcoholic father who lived with us was to me.

I agree with everyone else, focus on your recovery, get your life together and be patient.

Maybe look at it from the point of view that you are being given a chance to earn future time with your daughter and become the father she needs.

Be grateful you have this chance and make the most of it.

sugarbear1

sheriffs can help you get your things

by the way, it isn't easy for anyone to obtain a restraining order

stay sober!

headstrong

I wasn't the best father during her first 9 months. I didn't know what to do with a newborn, nor could I relate to one. I was very hands off. I am ashamed to admit that I thought of her as a burden. My alcohol came first in my life. This has really opened my eyes. I didn't know what I had until I lost it.

headstrong

If it isn't specifically written in the restraining order, the sheriff isn't going to help. They will not help you to violate the restraining order. I had it written into the restraining order during the de novo hearing in March, but I have yet to get a date from my ex so that we can coordinate the pickup, even after several emails to her lawyer from my lawyer. I don't know what she wants with my things. They are just getting in her way. I had to buy everything over again. Clothes (winter), computer, prescriptions, text books, etc were all left behind. I had to violate the restraining order, which she later reported, to just get my car and a laundry basket of clothes.

I find it hard to believe that one parent can kidnap a child, file a restraining order, and take away all rights that the other parent has to that child. But that is the society that we live in.

gordano

Pay child support in checks and write CHILD SUPPORT in the memo. My friend paid in cash and could not prove to the judge he was making payments (the mother of the child also denied payment), therefore he had to pay all the back child support and was screwed out of a few thousand dollars.

headstrong

My lawyer said I didn't owe any back child support since she is not seeking it through the courts. I'm paying because it is the right thing to do.

gordano

I think she can decide to go to court whenever she wants if she changes her mind. If you trust her then that's fine, but I just want to make sure you're not going to get screwed. You don't need any more drama.

gordano

BTW, I'm glad you are doing the right thing about financially supporting your daughter. I've just seen this happen so many times with child custody issues. The money you are giving her now would be considered a gift (unless proven otherwise) if she ever did go to court and ask for back child support. I just want you to be as informed as possible so you can make the best decisions for yourself and your daughter.

jobei

Yea make sure you pay by check... very important.