Lost3000

I'm struggling with the idea of a sponsor. First I struggled with AA mtgs, but now those are fine. So maybe I should just jump in.

Before the hard-core AA'ers jump in - let me just say, I understand that it has helped tons of folks stay sober.

I'm having a hard time with the idea of AA as a type of crutch. I hear some folks on here say, I can't do it without AA, my sponsor, etc. Well, what happens when that's not there? Then you can't do it?? I mean, AA and your sponsor can't be with you all the time!

So, I've been doing really well these past (almost) 2 months - tomorrow is day 60. I've reached out in my AA group and made a few friends. I even went so far as to approach a woman who spoke at my mtg and offered to be a sponsor.

My husband has been supportive, very supportive. Not a peep from my old drinking pals. All is well with the world. I've had barely a whisper of my alcoholic voice and I promptly shut it down. The times it's whispered to me is when I've been overly tired, or stressed. But both times I found quick solutions.

I guess I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I have had a couple of moments where I wasn't sure what to do. And that's why I'm considering a sponsor.

I suppose getting one can't hurt. I don't want to get all wrapped up with one and then find out our ideals don't mesh at all. Things like overt Christianity really bug me. I'm not looking to find God. Just find tools to find myself and be sober for life. I don't want to get wrapped up in a sponsor and then have to edge my way out.

Love to hear your thoughts as always.

sugarbear1

A sponsor guides you through the steps. You might even have a friend to talk to when you need one. If you work the steps, you have a greater chance of staying stopped. The steps will always be with you.

Best wishes,

Lost3000

Hi Sugarbear, can you please let me know why you feel that by working the steps, I will have a greater chance of staying stopped? Maybe some real life examples if you care to share? That alone makes me think a sponsor might be a good idea.

sugarbear1

I've been around AA for 25 years. I fought the steps every time until this past May 2011. I was guided through the steps rather quickly because I needed relief. Alcohol had been my solution. Without it, I was about to hurt someone, anyone, or drink. My pain was too great to bear. Once I went through the steps, not only did I have relief, I also lost my anxiety, my social phobia and my shyness. I was changed. I've had no cravings since then. I do have thoughts of drinking or smoking weed, but those are only thoughts, which I can think through. I attend at least 2 meetings a week. AA is something I will always be grateful for and will probably always have in my life. With the steps, I can go out into the "real world" and be okay in my own skin. I can be around alcohol, but it's not for me. Passing a store, sitting in a restaurant, whatever I am doing, the steps are with me and I can use them to get through anything. This does include a power greater than myself, which is quite personal to me.

The steps give me a design for living life on life's terms. Something I never had before. Today, I have something like 41 weeks of sobriety, life is okay. In fact, I embrace this life more than the one I had while drinking. At almost 51 years of age, I am feeling like I belong in this world.

Just my experience.
Peace,

sugarbear1

I was guided through the steps 2 more times, more slowly. I look forward to working through them again. The 4th through 9th steps help me to see my behavior more clearly.

The steps, as written, are what we've done as a result of working the 12 steps.

It is an experience. Not always logical, very paradoxical; again, an experience that has altered everything in my life.

FlyerFan

First don't panic, I reached day 60 yesterday and I just got my sponsor last week. It can take some time to find someone you really like for the job. It's nothing to fret over too long though, just choose someone that you like what they share, perhaps you like their attitude or personality? Find someone who has something you want and just ask them. I bit the bullet last week and the person I asked was thrilled to be able to help me.

Sometimes you just gotta dive right in and see what life has to offer, you never know.

PaperDolls

You should check this pamphlet out about sponsorship (link).

The program is the steps, not just meetings. That's not to say that there aren't people that have never worked the steps and are still sober. I actually know a few but "happy" is not a word I would used to describe them. In fact, one of the guys has been around for 10+ years and he truly is one of the most miserable people I know. Listening to him share in meetings is sort of torturous for me. It's all negativity, no solutions. I used to live that way and no longer want to.

I tried that not working the steps. I didn't get the results I wanted. I finally got really desperate and thought, "Ok, I work these damn steps like so many people have suggested." and I can't tell you how great the results have been. It's not that I WANTED to work the steps I was out of options. Now, I can say I'm glad I did it....I often tell sponsees "You don't have to want to do it, just do it." They don't like it and I don't blame them...but I say that because that's been my experience. Most of the time, the right thing to do is not the easy thing to do.

Mo S

When I say "I couldnt do it without AA" I mean all the tools (and reminders) and resources that being an AA member affords me. For myself...I needed to get a sponsor. I saw later I was only getting half of the program without one. I simply went to enough meetings and listened til I founds the right person who had similiar beliefs and values. Most importantly I wanted what they had.

The hour long meetings teach me the tools I need to take out and live the next 23 hours. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. However, if one is interested in dramatically changing their life for the better.....the 12 steps can be a good way to do it ...tho of course there are others.

Also, I believe a good sponsor has a sponsor of their own.

Fenris

Hi Lost. I don't believe that any general statement should ever be applied to everyone, so I don't agree that you can't stay sober unless you're working the Steps in AA with a sponsor. Plenty of people get and stay sober without any of that, and plenty of people do all of that and get drunk again. But one of the first things I really heard inside the rooms was that if I wanted what they had, I'd do what they did. And everyone I asked in AA that had what I wanted (happiness, sobriety, serenity, etc.) had worked the Steps in AA with a sponsor. I tried it my way, a dozen different ways, and failed. The only success I've ever had at sobriety came from doing what was suggested by others, and I'm pragmatic enough to care a lot less about the means than I do the end results, especially where my sobriety is concerned. I was fortunate in basically stumbling into being sponsored by a guy that I get along pretty well with, that I have a lot in common with, that gets me and says things in a language I can understand. But a lot of people I've talked with are on their second, third, or whatever sponsor, because they didn't mesh with their sponsors. If you decide to get a sponsor and you aren't getting what you need from it, move on. The point I guess I'm trying to get across is that I don't think anyone should tell you what you should do to stay sober; but when someone tells me what they did, I listen. Hope something in there helps you. If not, blame my sponsor.

Lost3000

Interesting responses. Thank you. And a lot of what was in my gut already I suppose. There's a mantra I've lived by and questions I ask when making a decision like "what's the worst that can happen?" and "what harm will come out of this decision?"

What do you guys say to all of the anti-AA'er, the anti-step persons? Surely there are many out there who've gain sobriety and happiness without the steps? It seems they are sort of a guide, and that intrigues me. I know there are ways of getting around the God thing. Should I bother talking about that with this possible sponsor or should I just get to it?

Lost3000

Great thoughts here. And I also get what you are saying about putting aside my thoughts in an effort to ensure my sobriety and give someone/something a chance. I did that with AA mtgs. I didn't see the beauty in them but after attending at least 10 of them now, I get it. So I'll do the same with a sponsor.

DayTrader

You're right..... jump in. A lot of the recovery process involves faith of some sort......sometimes just faith that 'maybe this will work so I'll try it.'

You're right......and those who say that they can't stay sober without AA or their sponsor are missing the boat. I'm IN AA and you won't hear me say that stuff (but by "without AA" I'd be referring to "without AA meetings"... I don't think I'd want to try sobriety without any of the principles AA, that never worked out well for me) I can almost promise you a sponsor WILL let you down at one point or another. They're human.....they're not perfect......and they're certainly not going to be every single thing you want them to be.

That said, AA isn't meant to be a "crutch." I mean, you can use it as one but that's not how it's designed to be used and it probably won't work too well as such.

And AA, in it's proper usage, CAN be with you all the time........even when you're not conscious of it. It is for me.....


"overt Christianity" has no place in AA. Neither does overt any religion for that matter. ......nor does any religion at all, come to think of it. Religious beliefs are an outside issue and shouldn't really be discussed in AA. Some members bring that stuff up though.....so you'll have to learn to forgive and forget.

An underlying tenant of AA is spirituality though..... not a christian God, a Muslim God, a Hebrew God nor the God of any religion.........but a God of YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING. Certainly, since you've got a blank sheet of paper and there are NO rules......you could consider conceiving of some sort of Higher Power on your own........right? There's no God AA points you to other than your own understanding of what a cool God would be.... Step 2 reads, "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." To "work" that step, the chapter "We Agnostics" suggest that you don't have to already HAVE a conception of God......but be willing to consider the possibility of one to make a start.

If you're not willing to consider that possibility, you won't be able to get past step 2......and that's gonna make working the program problematic.

I sponsor 2 guys.....right now.......who have a lot of "God issues." That's fine.....most of us do. Remember, Step 2 is "came to believe".....as in.....it's a process, not something you have to have a finished version of right this second.

Lost3000

Thank you!!!!

Fenris

[QUOTE=DayTrader;3300199]

Certainly, since you've got a blank sheet of paper and there are NO rules......you could consider conceiving of some sort of Higher Power on your own........right? There's no God AA points you to other than your own understanding of what a cool God would be....
QUOTE]

Yep, that's basically what I did -- just sat down and wrote out what I thought God is and isn't, and it's a list that's gone through several revisions as my spirituality has grown. It was a good starting place for me.

DayTrader

2 sure-fire ways I know of to get a great sponsor:

1. They pick you.... Ha...see, you're not even part of the decision. Someone just tells you that they're your sponsor. Only the "better" members who are really working the program will do this though....... sadly, it doesn't happen all the time like it used to.

2. Ask around. Ask the ppl you like (and would consider to be your sponsor) who they'd recommend you ask. Watch and listen to those ppl....then go ask them who THEY'D recommend. Do it a handful of times and do it at a couple meetings (not all meetings are the same.....that's a FACT). Odds are, the same couple names will keep coming up. Pick one of the ppl from that short list of names.

FlyerFan

Just remember, you've got to be able to be completely honest with that person. I know it's weird because it's a stranger but you've got to be able to tell them how you're feeling and what you've been through. Honesty = Freedom.

Lost3000

Thanks for your post! I hear some God talk in the mtgs and really ignore it. Or when they say the prayer to God, I ignore that too (God, who art in heaven...). I have found some groups to be overtly religious, and I just don't go back to those mtgs.

I have been doing what you say. Watching and listening. At the end of every meeting I watch who raises their hand when asked if they'd be a sponsor. That's how I walked up to this one woman. I wish I had more choices though. Not just her. There are probably 50/50 men and women in my group - and I need a woman sponsor.

I feel that AA is a crutch to some, mainly the ones I hear who say, I can't stay sober without AA.

And I am stuck on Step 2. Really stuck.

Who restored me to sanity? ME! I'm the one who said, I'm going to quit. I'm the one who chooses not to drink now. I'm the one who drug myself to an AA mtg. I'm the one who talks openly and sometimes painfully to my spouse about it. I'm the one who handles uncomfortable drinking situations. So no higher power brought me there. I did. What restored me to sanity? Not drinking!

See? I'm stuck. Sure you have heard this lots before. So back to topic, maybe a sponsor could help me "see the way" here. But my fear is that they'll insert God into that equation and then I'm done.

Lost3000

Flyer: I can handle that part.

DayTrader

Heard it? Hell, I've SAID it...and believed it! Over time, with the clarity that only comes with hindsight.....my feelings have changed.

"seeing the way" is like job #1 for a sponsor. And know, I use "God" all the time.......mostly because it's quick and easy to say (or type). What you have to remember is that's it's any power greater than you.......your own conception. If you're able to do what you said you did......you've made a helluva start on step 2 and if I WERE your sponsor, we'd be talking about 3 reeeeeal soon.

I'd recommend, when the time presents itself, don't be afraid to voice your "God concerns" at a table. You'll probably get SOME backlash....so expect it and let it roll off your back. I'd also recommend talking about looking for a sponsor in the meetings when it's your turn to share. Start putting those things out there........it's a good step 3 practice to get into. I'll betcha someone with some experience migrates over to you before too long.

Lost3000

Alright, nuff said there. I'll take your statements with a grain of salt and will think it over. I actually do think things over now. Unlike before.


It's true. Every word I typed. I did all that. And I've read and have heard that the HP is just something greater than me. That alone is very hard for me to say. I'm just not there. Wherein my issues with God, but that's a whole 'nother bag...

At a table, as in a group mtg? I'll seriously have to wait on that one! As to talking to the group about a sponsor. Duh. Why didn't I think of that? That's how I met my friends there! I just said, hey, looking for contacts, and about 4 people walked up to me. One I talk to regularly. The others not so much.