DisplacedGRITS

I am always happier sober. I just have to remember it.

jocata

Get back up again Grits. Reach out to someone BEFORE you drink. An AA sponser, a supportive friend, SR. Do whatever it takes.

I'm telling you this for your benefit as well as mine. I've been in your shoes before. Instead of picking up the phone I picked up a drink or drug. Then it was too late.

God bless.

DisplacedGRITS

I will keep working towards recovery and when i am better i will keep trying to pay it forward.

Elisabeth888

Hey DG, I am sorry to hear that you relapsed.

This is just my opinion, but you need to get sober for yourself first. I was in a tradition study last night with some women and we were discussing true happiness and how it has to come from within. You cannot base it on another person, even your husband.

I am struggling to grasp this concept, but I know it is true. I have SO MUCH STUFF to work on as a person now. It is almost too much.

Drinking alcohol destroys even the notion that you need to work on yourself, much less attempting to do it.

If you really want to be sober, DO IT! Do it now. Don't make excuses for yourself. TAKE ACTION. Listen to what people suggest here. Go to AA. Get a sponsor. Work the steps.

augustwest

I was the kind of alcoholic that no amount of wanting, no relationship, or situation no matter how much i cared was enough to get me to stop drinking and using drugs. Alcohol and drugs went undefeated by knockout against me. I found my solution in AA by taking the 12 steps.

DisplacedGRITS

My husband would love to have a sober wife but more than that, i would love to be a sober me. I'm afraid i worry more about other people than i do myself. Being selfish isn't a horrible thing.

SSIL75

I had the opposite problem. Totally selfish person. All I cared about was getting drunk.

First love - alcohol
Second love - me

katrinka

In this situation being self centered is important. I know my husband and kids are happy I don't drink anymore but they've been subtle about it because that's how I want it. I read and post on SR a lot, no one here cares if you're just venting or asking advice, it's so helpful. I am so much happier without alcohol in a way that doesn't even involve my family. I was having memory lapses every time I drank too much which was several times a week. I didn't remember meeting a friend of my daughter's and when we bumped into her again I had no idea who it was. Luckily my husband remembered her and I just pretended I knew her. It was mortifying for me. You've got to do it for yourself first, good luck!!

foodie1

Thinking of you dG, hopefully your husband realizes that this is your journey and that there will be bumps and detours along the way. Please don't beat yourself up, nobody's perfect and you've done such a great thing by starting this new path. Just keep going. Hugs! :ghug3

Taking5

Grits, I'm glad you gave up or surrendered, but my post was only meaningful in the context of AA and the 12 steps. Are you going to go to AA as well?

Sapling

I think you have enough people here that have said what worked for them Grits...I think you should at least try going to a meeting....I did the rehab route too and it was nice to be protected from drinking...What did they recommend for me when I left that safe place...Going to AA meetings....I paid a lot of money to find that out...But it saved my life. If you don't like it....Try something else....My advice to you...If it means anything...Would be to drag your ass to a meeting today...And at least try.

DisplacedGRITS

I have some severe social anxiety but i will try AA again. It scares me so much. I guess nothing worth having comes easy.

Fandy

FWIW, I did not "surrender", or "beat it". I just avoid alcohol like the plague, because it makes me depressed, sad, angry, broke, fat, etc.

and although it's a bad time for you, me reading your experience last night makes me remember the times I did the same. I know i don't want to go back there either.

I hope you're ok today and stay sober too.

zxcirce

Grits the others are right. You know you want something different and now you need to take action. Wanting sobriety is never enough....if it was, I think there would be a lot less alcoholics out there. You can't want yourself sober. You gotta act yourself sober.

Glad to hear that you want to be sober and you're not just doing it to keep your husband. The thing you try to hold onto tightest to get sober for is often the first thing you lose. Do it for you.
zxc

1undone

I recognize your panic and I've made dinner in a black-out too. Pretty freakin scary stuff right there. We are sick, bottom line. Our minds are sick and we need to do whatever we can to get them well and peaceful again without alcohol.

I know that dread you feel when you wake up wondering what the heck you did the night before and who knows. It sucks and is very demoralizing. The problem with remembering how that felt is a problem. It's easy to forget. This is why we relapse. We don't recall the feelings we had after a back-out night as well a couple of weeks from now when we are craving a drink. It takes a back seat to the addiction.

I'm not trying to make this sound hopeless, my point is you have to have a good solid plan.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. One things for sure you are not alone! Are you going to meetngs of any kind? I built up a network of great sober ladies going to AA. It dosn't have to be AA, there are other groups out there and even these boards but you have to use them before the cycle of a relapse happens. My cycle begins with anger (that I can't drink), then sadness, then resentful feelings, etc. Then I will feel entitled to drink.

So when the anger comes I get to a meeting or call someone!!!! It hasn't always worked but it has been getting better and better! I've been working on getting the tools and behaviors changed for 9 months now and I'm still not getting it right 100% of the time but I'm closer each day.

I wish you the best!

CaiHong

Hi Displaced Grits,

did you read the thread Sapling posted on fear and AA meetings?

You really need to get serious about getting sober and not just talking about wanting to be sober. Getting sober involves action.

You know how good it is to be sober you can reclaim that and more if you get with the program.

CaiHong

Orbea

You need to quit so you can change your name to KissMyGrits!

vegibean

Very nicely said dgillz.