How to tell drinking friends that you've stopped?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
At the beginning of my recovery process, I told my best friend who I hang out with most that I don't drink because I am an alcoholic and I can't. We still hang out together once or two evenings per week. One time last year, I relapsed and I drank before I met him and he was really angry with me next time I saw him. He told me that I had told him I was an alcoholic and I couldn't drink and he said that if I was drunk around him again, he wouldn't tolerate it. That's kept me sober many, many nights and now it's no longer an issue with him. In fact, I think the blunt and honest exchange probably saved our friendship and prevented me sliding even deeper into alcoholism. The last couple of times I've relapsed, I've been on my own or sought out the company of strangers. But I don't have any contact with my friend that involves alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Healthyfood 
Sapling
I haven't met them yet. I try to skip all the events and parties. Otherwise I just can't cope with pressure.
I haven't met them yet. I try to skip all the events and parties. Otherwise I just can't cope with pressure.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: midwest
Posts: 12
I read some of the earlier posts and agree that honesty is the best policy, but I actually feel exactly like the earlier post by Rochele. It's as if she said exactly what I feel re: letting people into to my secret sobriety. Actually my husband is the only one in my circle of friends that knows my true reasons for not drinking.
What I told people was that the doc put me on heart medication (lopressor), that alcohol caused the medication to make me feel 'too loopy' and definitely not worth it. So far they've all bought it.
My first test was out with a few couples at a sports bar to watch the playoffs 20 days sober. Can't count how many times they offered sips of their drinks to 'watch me get loopy.' Sometimes honesty would have been better, but I passed the test and had a better time sober than many nights spent drunk.
Good luck to you and hang in there! Prayers and thoughts are yours!
Lynn (clancydog)
What I told people was that the doc put me on heart medication (lopressor), that alcohol caused the medication to make me feel 'too loopy' and definitely not worth it. So far they've all bought it.
My first test was out with a few couples at a sports bar to watch the playoffs 20 days sober. Can't count how many times they offered sips of their drinks to 'watch me get loopy.' Sometimes honesty would have been better, but I passed the test and had a better time sober than many nights spent drunk.
Good luck to you and hang in there! Prayers and thoughts are yours!
Lynn (clancydog)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Hi Healthyfood,
One of the many great things about quitting drinking is you get to know who your real friends are very quickly. I tried to dance around this exact subject many times in some of my older posts.
For me it went like this:
Good Friends: I have decided to quit drinking as it was having negative effects on my health & life. (some supported me & others tried to change my mind and didn't support my decision regardless of my explanations (the latter are no longer friends ;-)
Others: No thank you. (if pushed as to why) It was having negative effects on my health & life.
In the beginning I went with " due to a doctors recommendation for a personal health matter".... then realized that was way too much information lol.
Recently at a party someone asked why I wasn't drinking in a group chat situation, I asked them if they wanted to know which snacks I had & why as well? This was followed by a laugh & the subject was dropped.
Mostly I just say "I chose not to drink alcohol".... if asked why... "I find my life is better without it ;-)
All of the best in your journey & keep posting.
Cheers,
NB
One of the many great things about quitting drinking is you get to know who your real friends are very quickly. I tried to dance around this exact subject many times in some of my older posts.
For me it went like this:
Good Friends: I have decided to quit drinking as it was having negative effects on my health & life. (some supported me & others tried to change my mind and didn't support my decision regardless of my explanations (the latter are no longer friends ;-)
Others: No thank you. (if pushed as to why) It was having negative effects on my health & life.
In the beginning I went with " due to a doctors recommendation for a personal health matter".... then realized that was way too much information lol.
Recently at a party someone asked why I wasn't drinking in a group chat situation, I asked them if they wanted to know which snacks I had & why as well? This was followed by a laugh & the subject was dropped.
Mostly I just say "I chose not to drink alcohol".... if asked why... "I find my life is better without it ;-)
All of the best in your journey & keep posting.
Cheers,
NB
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 732
I have told most people that I'm not drinking anymore because of my health and weight but I haven't made a big deal out of it. Now I just starting to be honest with my husband about how much better I feel. I just can't admit what a problem it was, too humiliating for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
"I don't drink" or "I'm not drinking" work really well. "I'm taking a year off" to my friends at the bar/party. Honesty keeps it simple. My sobriety is a private matter that I don't share with too many people.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Arizona
Posts: 4
Hi community,
When I first quit, and I had to refuse alcohol from friends and others, I told them I was on a high powered antibiotic for a cartilidge infection. It was a total lie, but it shut them up real quick, and I didn't have to deal with any peer pressure. Its an easy out sometimes when you don't want to have to explain your sobriety choice to strangers. Plus people wont judge and label you as "the alcoholic guy".
icafe
When I first quit, and I had to refuse alcohol from friends and others, I told them I was on a high powered antibiotic for a cartilidge infection. It was a total lie, but it shut them up real quick, and I didn't have to deal with any peer pressure. Its an easy out sometimes when you don't want to have to explain your sobriety choice to strangers. Plus people wont judge and label you as "the alcoholic guy".
icafe
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 328
Tullips! Congrats on day 9! We all have our different approaches, but this one works for me: I tell them the truth. "It's not good for me. I'd like you to respect that simple answer and leave it at that. K?" If they push it any further than that, walk away gracefully. You'd be surprised how many "friends" ultimately respect that.
That said, you're so early in sobriety the best thing to do may be to simply stay away from the drinking friends for a while.
That said, you're so early in sobriety the best thing to do may be to simply stay away from the drinking friends for a while.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Coventry West Midlands
Posts: 56
I was just straight with the people I know.
I had been called into hospital as they were concerned about my blood counts. The hematologist at the hospital told me my drinking was causing problems and I should cut it down. There were also indicators in the blood that my liver was being harmed. I'm still going through loads of test.
I told people about the low blood counts, that the hospital did not know what was wrong with me (thats what they said), and I could have damaged my liver, quite possibly seriously. All this is the truth. I explained as a result I was off alcohol. Most people and all the staff at the bars I use have been supportive, and its not been any problem. One or two of the people I know are a little uncomfortable with what I said, but most have been very supportive.
Its been the same at work. As well as the people that needed to know I have told the rest of the people there (its a very small company). Again they have been supportive.
That is how I did things, but that is just how I am. I'll tell the truth, if some one has a problem with that its their problem.
For me every one I see regularly, and my family all know. Most just want me to get better.
Cov
I had been called into hospital as they were concerned about my blood counts. The hematologist at the hospital told me my drinking was causing problems and I should cut it down. There were also indicators in the blood that my liver was being harmed. I'm still going through loads of test.
I told people about the low blood counts, that the hospital did not know what was wrong with me (thats what they said), and I could have damaged my liver, quite possibly seriously. All this is the truth. I explained as a result I was off alcohol. Most people and all the staff at the bars I use have been supportive, and its not been any problem. One or two of the people I know are a little uncomfortable with what I said, but most have been very supportive.
Its been the same at work. As well as the people that needed to know I have told the rest of the people there (its a very small company). Again they have been supportive.
That is how I did things, but that is just how I am. I'll tell the truth, if some one has a problem with that its their problem.
For me every one I see regularly, and my family all know. Most just want me to get better.
Cov
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
For me, when I first quit drinking, I told no one, except for my family. I told no friends, because they where all drinkers, most of them heavy drinkers just like me.
Now that I am 6 months sober, only 4 friends that were drinking buddies of mine knew. I would never put myself into any situation that involves drinking in my first few days. Heck, its been 6 months and I haven't done it. I had to really get down right honest with myself, and know that I AM POWERLESS over alcohol. If I put myself into a situation where there is alcohol, then I will end up drinking sooner than later. I am really powerless over alcohol. There is something in the alcohol that starts talking to me, saying things like, "You are not an alcoholic, come on, give me another try! Or You where only an alcoholic while you where with him, come on pick me up again" etc......
I know, I have been there and done that, I am not going to do that anymore. I want to get sober this time, I do not want to relapse again. I have to keep my last time I got drunk fresh, and green, in my mind. I blacked out, and don't remember what I said for 8 hours in 2 different bars. I apparently was nice, thank God no one said anything to make my anger go off. But I just have to keep that fresh, and the 2 DWI's, and all the other times I tried to get sober, and all the hangovers, throwing up, etc....
I am POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL AND MY LIFE WAS UNBELIEVABLY UNMANAGEABLE.
Now that I am 6 months sober, only 4 friends that were drinking buddies of mine knew. I would never put myself into any situation that involves drinking in my first few days. Heck, its been 6 months and I haven't done it. I had to really get down right honest with myself, and know that I AM POWERLESS over alcohol. If I put myself into a situation where there is alcohol, then I will end up drinking sooner than later. I am really powerless over alcohol. There is something in the alcohol that starts talking to me, saying things like, "You are not an alcoholic, come on, give me another try! Or You where only an alcoholic while you where with him, come on pick me up again" etc......
I know, I have been there and done that, I am not going to do that anymore. I want to get sober this time, I do not want to relapse again. I have to keep my last time I got drunk fresh, and green, in my mind. I blacked out, and don't remember what I said for 8 hours in 2 different bars. I apparently was nice, thank God no one said anything to make my anger go off. But I just have to keep that fresh, and the 2 DWI's, and all the other times I tried to get sober, and all the hangovers, throwing up, etc....
I am POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL AND MY LIFE WAS UNBELIEVABLY UNMANAGEABLE.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Johnson City, TN
Posts: 66
I tried to hang on to my drinking friends on all of my previous attempts to live sober with AA. Unfortunately, it always led to relapse. They knew I had joined AA. 5 months was the longest I was able to string together.
I'm currently starting over for the 4th time and am 5 days sober.
Things are definitely different this time.
Previously, when my friends would text after work and ask me to go out, I WOULD, and drink non-alcoholic beverages, until I didn't.
They texted a couple of days ago and this time my response was different.
I texted: I CANNOT GO THAT BAR. I AM AN ALCOHOLIC. I AM POWERLESS OVER IT. IF I CONTINUE TO DRINK IT WILL KILL ME.
I haven't been asked again. Yet.
I'm currently starting over for the 4th time and am 5 days sober.
Things are definitely different this time.
Previously, when my friends would text after work and ask me to go out, I WOULD, and drink non-alcoholic beverages, until I didn't.
They texted a couple of days ago and this time my response was different.
I texted: I CANNOT GO THAT BAR. I AM AN ALCOHOLIC. I AM POWERLESS OVER IT. IF I CONTINUE TO DRINK IT WILL KILL ME.
I haven't been asked again. Yet.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
If anyone asks me why I'm not drinking and I don't feel like opening a big can of worms with them by bringing up my past drinking problems (and I can think of a few really good reasons I wouldn't dive right into that topic, depending on the person; professional acquaintances come to mind, for example), I'm entirely comfortable with answering that I cut alcohol out of my diet for health and weight loss reasons. Why not? Those are definite tangible benefits of drying out that most everyone can identify with or at least understand, and both reasons are entirely true in my case. Sure, I also quit drinking for other reasons (that you, the SR crowd, do probably understand and sympathize with), but is there any need to open up a vein in that situation?
I think you just have to read the anecdotes on this forum to see that significant numbers of the "normals" have misconceptions about alcoholism or just plain can't fathom the concept of not being able to control your drinking. I don't want to explain my prior drinking habits to these people, and honestly, they don't want me to explain it to them, either. It'll make us all uncomfortable. And some things simply aren't matters for public dissemination. Rather than pleading the Fifth, or pulling a "hey, look over there!" and then running away quickly, I filter the questioner's input a little, for all our sakes.
That's how I feel about that.
I think you just have to read the anecdotes on this forum to see that significant numbers of the "normals" have misconceptions about alcoholism or just plain can't fathom the concept of not being able to control your drinking. I don't want to explain my prior drinking habits to these people, and honestly, they don't want me to explain it to them, either. It'll make us all uncomfortable. And some things simply aren't matters for public dissemination. Rather than pleading the Fifth, or pulling a "hey, look over there!" and then running away quickly, I filter the questioner's input a little, for all our sakes.
That's how I feel about that.
Last edited by Notmyrealname; 06-30-2012 at 08:47 PM. Reason: replaced a word with a more precise term
Run to live... live to run
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Western Maryland
Posts: 1,091
It is really hard. My friends know that i'm not drinking and never invite me out anymore. While I do avoid the temptation, It makes me sad that instead of reaching out to me, they just go on without me. My brother ran into a group of friends of mine at a bar this weekend and said they were all basically making fun of me for quitting and making bets on how long I could go. It makes me really sad. At the same time, They are living my life. They don't know what i've lost. Screw em!
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