FlyerFan

Ah ok, sorry I did misread it. It was very hard for me, i didnt leave my house for almost a month because i was terrified to go to a restaurant and have to look at other people drinking, or even to read the list of alcohol on the menu. Even sometimes now if there is a drink menu on my table ill hide it, lol.

Lily

I will be honest w/ you. I am over a year clean and sober and working a very solid recovery program. Recently I went home and while visiting my old work friends wanted to meet me for dinner. Innocent enough you think right? Well, when I got there it was more like a sports bar called Islands in San Diego. We were a party of 6 and 3 ordered drinks. It made me want to drink~big time! While all along thinking....nobody needs to know.... so I will say err on the side of caution....I could have thrown a year away! Blessings, Lily

lillyknitting

From my experience honestly, you will find bars, pubs and drinking environments extremely boring when you don't drink. I went to a pub a couple of Fridays ago - all my mates drink - and saw it for what it really is.....boring waste of time, let's face it, peeps go to bars to drink, otherwise why wouldn't they meet in a cafe, restaurant etc.
My advice, if you feel tempted to drink, don't go.

Lost3000

Hi all,

I think some of my posts are buried in this thread.

Just to clarify, it's not about being tempted or wanting to drink - I do not enterain ideas of hanging in a bar. My friend's invite was initially open, with a wide variety of options. My fear was that it would be a bar, in which case I definitely would decline. Turns out a bar is exactly what she had in mind, and so I promptly, politely declined.

Bars have no allure for me now. This is not my first go around. My first go around I was still clinging to the bar, and I did in fact find it boring.

Since I declined, another friend approached me and wants to do yoga tonight. Also, my husband piped up and said he would love to go to the flameno show I wanted to go to. They do serve alcohol there, but they are primarily a indie coffee house. So problem solved.

P.S. - Please take the time to read this thread, it might clear up a lot of misunderstandings.

bostonluv

I did read your whole thread and I don't think any of this brainstorming (Q&A) was a waste of time. I actually think it's awesome that you are learning new skills and asking for opinions and direction. You accomplished your goal and made a decision and proceeded properly, got your feelings hurt, spoke up about it here and got support and shared your good news about the yoga date! I'm super proud of you. You properly walked through all your emotions and didn't run away or hide from them or have a long pity party even. You do realize that this is a great accomplishment correct? Take a moment to give yourself a pat on the back because you deserve it. Just do the next right thing (like you've been doing) and it's all going to work out..........

nexttime

I agree with bostonluv. Also if you think she still is a friend and a friend worth having toss an invite to her to do something on your terms. Lunch is a good one less likely to shift to a bar.

Creekryder

Each person has their own boundaries in which to function comfortably. I agree 100% with TU that we can never escape alcohol environments completely, and you will eventually have to face your nemesis. Whether it is 35 days or 35 months, we can always be plagued with the situation in which we make the decision to drink or not. It is all based upon your conviction of abstinence, tolerance to others that drink, and a plethora of other factors that define your level of confidence to not partake in the booze. If something inside is telling you that you are not ready, listen and act. But don't be afraid to face your fears, either. That too can be a powerful ally when you confront the fear and win. Make sure your resolve is unfaltering when you do this. Stay strong, stay sober, and the choices will become easier when you see you are winning the battle.

MentalLoop

Creekryder, you sound like Yoda when he makes Luke confront his fear.....

Lost3000

Thank you BostonLuv, you are so right. I'm used to being hard on myself.

Wow -- life is crazy.

So another update!! Yoga friend canceled!! She is apparently too busy downing bloody mary's. Serves me right to think that this person would want to do yoga when she is so obviously a drinker. I thought she was a normal drinker, but noooo. Of course too, because in my drinking life that's all I surrounded myself with!

But then.... I called a new AA friend I just met day before yesterday. We agreed I'd call her w/in 48 hrs. We get to talking and guess what???

We are in the same profession. And...she loves yoga!!! YAY!!!

So we are mtg for yoga on Monday, pending a work thing that might come up for me which she gets because she's in the same line of work!!

This is some crazy coincidence and I'm loving it!! So I'm going to just run the treadmill tonight and hopefully shave off some pounds and get some lovely sleep later on.

Lost3000

Creek, yahh, um no. I'm not afraid of the bar, but do not want the bar. Her invite sounded like dinner then turned to just the bar. I am in fact, going to a "bar" with my husband, but it's not just a bar where you sit there and get sloshed, like where my friend wanted to go. We are going to see flamenco dancers in a place that does dinner and exotic teas and coffees -- MUCH different than hanging at a lush bar.

I don't think I made that part clear. Just saying a bar could mean all kinds of things. She wants to go to the lush bar. The place where I have no business going.

My conviction is strong, really. With that said, I'd just much rather see a neat flamenco show complete with dinner and crazy coffee drinks than sit next to people downing as much liquor as their body can contain.

phoebe64

This was a very good thread to read. I am on day 2 presently. Already dealing with an inviattion to a large group of women for drinks at a home on Thursday. Somewhat a new crowd at school(my kids are in elementary). I really would like to connect into some of these women for the sake of my next years at the school. My oldest is graduating and I have few connections to the younger crew connected with my son.

So, I really want to go for social reasons. But it is clearly a cocktail event. And tonight, I am feeling a bit like I want a drink.

Sigh. Hard choices. I do think I can go and not drink, and get caught up chatting and have fun. This is different than a bar. I get you on that. A bar is even a hard place to talk, with loud music, etc... just about the drinking.

For me, personally, if it is a larger group, it is easier for me to get a non-alcoholic drink, than if one friend asked me "out for a drink." I have friends who would not know I avoid drinking, and ones that do think it is entirely related to getting heathy. I lost 60 pounds over the last year. Slipped back into drinking the last 6 months after losing the weight.

Anyway, I think this was a good read for others, if some of it was not just what you wanted to hear or if you felt misunderstood. We are all on such a personal journey, and focused on self right now, it is hard not to project how we feel into out refections and responses.

I hope you have a great time at the cafe! Sounds fun! I wish my hubby would like to find things like that to do with me.

I think your friend is in the situation of including you, but also pleasing the crowd and wanting to get out there and minlge, if recently divorced. I would be glad to have been invited and not overthink it.

I am thinking of going to meetings because I would love to find sober friendships. Just not ready though.

Anyway, wanted to let you know this was a helpful read as I face a few social events in the next few weeks. One is a family thing, Christmas delayed until February with the extended family. And lots of drinking. Sigh... no way to avoid or escape that one.

Dee74

There are ways to get through occasions like that Rochele:

This was written for Thanksgiving but a lot of these tips have more general applications too - not only family occasions and parties, but I daresay girls nights out too

Crying Out Now: Thanksgiving Survival Guide

D

phoebe64

Thank you Dee. I do many of those things, when I can, but alot are hard when you are sleeping for 3 nights at a home, and cannot just leave. But they are good tips all around, and many have been useful to me in my past efforts to be sober.

Creekryder

>MentalLoop —Coincidence it is not. In all of us the wisdom lies. Find it we must. Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh (Like Yoda he laughs)

Lost3000

Oh, I only felt misunderstood because we are typing responses and not face to face, it's hard to get your point across accurately when typing. But I felt like others got the gist and many had good suggestions and thoughts. None of the posts were something I didn't want to hear, I welcome all thoughts. I just take what I can use and leave the rest.

Thanks! I'm really looking forward to it! It's a Valentine special I found out later, flamenco dancers and dinner and coffee. ahhhh. I am lucky that me and my husband are so well matched. We are best friends and do almost everything together.

My husband pointed this out. I think you are right. I guess I would have rather been left out as she knew I am not drinking - so if her main plan was a bar then just go and leave me out. We have other plans for dinner with our friends so it's not like we aren't hanging out. She's been separated for over a year now and spends tons of her time in her apt., so I can't figure out why now she's decided to go out. It's seems to be always drinking for her.

I over-thought it because I'm new in sobriety and I think this is just part of my growing pains. Eventually I won't put so much thought into these things. Before, when I drank, I put either no thought into these things, or the thoughts were jumbled and incoherent.

The meetings are hard at first, only because it's so different that what we do normally day to day. But I find them like anything - maybe uncomfortable at first, but then comfortable and even enjoyable. It's really nice to be around others who know exactly what you are going through. Only drinkers know that, even though my husband is supportive, he can't know exactly how I feel like the people at the meetings.

Funny. We just had Christmas in Feb too. Surprisingly no one drank and it was a fun time. Even if they drank, I think I would have had fun as I wasn't drinking.

Lost3000

OMG. Sleep was an understatement. More like comatose. And now I'm up and at 'em!

Lost3000

No coincidence? I'm wise? Where do I find it? LOL, thank you Jedi master.

Lost3000

Dee: Thanks for that link! I didn't know about that website and now I must pour over it. I'm definitely staying away from this invite for a drinkfest, but this list will be very helpful for my family get togethers. They can't comprehend just hanging out without drinking. And I can actually handle them so much better when not drinking! Imagine that?

MagnifiedStar

Lost, I feel like I'm in the exact same situation. Most of my friends like to (really) get their drink on. I'm 18 days in and constantly paranoid about losing my social life. I've cried as well. I have already had several friends give me the stink eye when I order a diet coke instead of a cocktail. And these are in one on one dinner situations!

So, I guess what I'm saying is I feel your pain. I've come to accept that I may lose 'friendships' in this process, and I'm okay with that. What I keep telling myself is one or two or three lost friendships can't compare to the turmoil and suffering I was going through when drinking. Just remember how awful you felt when you were at your lowest and the thought of a missed girls night out seems miniscule in comparison. And, as everyone here has told me, the good pals will stick around.

Lost3000

Hey thanks and good job on 18 days!! I'm on day 40 and can hardly believe it.

I have mixed emotions:

Pity for her because she can't seem to do anything but drink; she claimed to not wanting to drink at the upcoming dinner we have planned, but how much do you want to bet she does?

Mild anger/annoyance that she can't host a non-drinking get together, that all of the get togethers have to be about booze.

Mild righteousness in knowing that I don't have to live like her, that I am not living like her, and that I will likely have a better night out than her.

And lastly, remorse and sadness, because I feel that our friendship will not last long and knowing that it's me that changed it, I'm the one who stepped away from booze.