MentalLoop

Lost you are going to really be sick of me by the end of our sober relationship. Thank god you can't defriend me like Facebook.....or can you? I stuck myself in the bar, party or whatever right away and head on. If she is a good friend, tell her the venue and choice is hers, but you are not drinking. Tell her the upside is that you will designated drive. Tell her the downside is that you will be cheering her with a diet coke. Then on a serious note you say it would mean a lot to you if you didn't drink that night and if she supported you in that effort. Let her know that if she wants to talk about why you don't want to drink you will be more than happy to share. The key though - don't focus on the specific reason you decided to stip, rather all the amazing realizations of your sobriety.

This has worked miracles for me. I found that nobody even thinks of me as a drunk. Rather, as a strong person who has learned the virtues of not altering or numbing my mind. Seriously, everybody thinks I just made a simple lifestyle change like giving up fried food.

Oh boy...you must be thinking what an a*s I am for never letting go of this honesty bone. Dee, where is the defriend button?

BillyPilgrim

Lost3000 I went to a bar last night where there was a party. I was nervous, but my partner was with me and she knows I cant drink (though it was a shock the other week when I told her, but that is another story) I drank soft drinks and water, and was happy to do it. I realised I dont like bars, but my partner wanted to go, and I cant let my disease cramp her social life. Why not drive to the bar (use any excuse - you have to be up early next day, so dont want to traipse on public transport) then the excuse not to drink is there. You have no idea how many people are overjoyed to have a designated driver, some bars even give them free soft drinks!
Allan

Lost3000

Hi, don't concentrate on the bar issue because that is not the chosen plan. There is no plan yet so it is just a possibility. I am definitely not ready or wanting to hang out in a bar now.

I think you are great! I appreciate your opinions and honesty. You and I just disagree on the honesty aspect but that's another thread...

She already knows I'm not drinking. The key for me is to not alienate her and the others - it is her invite after all. And I'm the only one who's just now decided not to drink. So I feel it's up to me to manage it and decide whether or not I'm going to her gathering.

Hi, driving to the bar is out of the question to me. I've thought of saying, oh I'm tired and going home, if they decide on the bar. But again, I'm afraid of alienating the others by doing that. Especially if I'm sitting there having a grand time until they decide to go to a bar.

Dee's lent me a great idea - talk to her privately, or just suggest to the group now the lounge/coffee thing I've found. See if they are all agreeable to it and do that. I'd be very comfortable in a setting like that. It's a place I've been to before and not drank. They specialize in organic, exotic coffees/teas, are a restaurant, and a bar, and that night they are having flamenco - which is my entertainment factor.

The decline/accept invite poll is nearly even!!! Someone break the tie!! I go back and forth. Half of me thinks to just decline now, the other half thinks to try to work it out so I can go. I need to get out, be with girlfriends, but am not willing to be near booze.

Lost3000

Hey everyone, update.

I wrote my friend privately and explained. It seemed like the easiest way and I got the chance to thank her for thinking of me. I'll write back and let you know the outcome!

MentalLoop

Bravo

Lost3000

Looks like there are a few here who think I should decline. I decided to talk to my friend first, and see where that goes.

MentalLoop

Well????? Did she respond?

Lost3000

Not yet!! I know, I'm dying to hear what she has to say.

Lost3000

Double post.

Lost3000

Double post.

Lost3000

Well, my friend made it easy. She wrote back saying that they planned on going to a bar to see our mutual friend DJ. This bar is just for boozing, flat out.

I was upset by it. I know it was an option, but her invite made it sound like it was undecided. And the bar was only one option, the others were dinner, movie, cafe. I wish she would have just said, let's go to a bar because then it would have been easy for me to just say no.

I feel dumb for writing her and dumb for thinking that her and the girls would want to do something outside of the bar. I also feel hurt.

She made a point of saying don't forget, we are still meeting up for dinner with the group. And then she pointedly said, "and I won't drink then." So now I feel like the freak of the group. Now I wish none of them knew.

I declined the invite. I'm sad about it. I did get three phone numbers at yesterday's AA mtg, so I've decided that's the route I'm going to take. At least they aren't going to be making night out plans to a bar and they shouldn't have any issue with meeting for coffee.

I was crying last night and my husband said, hey, I'd love to go to that coffee house with you. They are having flamenco dancers that night and his mom used to be a flamenco dancer. She's deceased now. So I'm happy that he's going with me but I'm sad that I don't get the girls night out.

I woke up sad this morning, feeling teary. I'm just really bummed out.

FlyerFan

If you don't feel 100% confident then don't go out. I know it is hard to say no, but eventually you'll feel more confident and you'll be able to go out without having those nagging feelings. It can take a very long time though. I found it was easier to just tell my friends point blank "look, im struggling with this thing, i dont want you all to make a big deal out of it, but i would really like us to hang out somewhere other than a bar until i get my bearrings with this" and most of them understood. Some laughed and made fun of me, those people needless to say no longer come around, as they were only drinking buddies.

It is a hard choice to make but you'll make the right one. listen to your conscience.

Mark75

This is a big deal for you, not drinking and all... life changing, literally. Not so much for your friends... you know? Don't read too much into anything right now, your take on things is not going to be too accurate and proportioned...

This will all sort itself out in time. And, as they say.... time takes time. So just relax... you still have a whole lifetime of girl's night outs.

flutter

Well that sucks.. it's eye opening, isn't it? I thought a lot of my friends were really my friends and ended up losing most of them. Looking back, I'm so happy for that.. but at the time I felt really weird, isolated, broken.. I get it. I wonder sometimes what some of them are up to.. and recently (a few months ago) my husband and I stopped by the old "Cheers" like bar we'd frequent years ago, we're friends with the owner (of course!) and wanted to show off my 2 year old and frankly show them how well I've been doing. One of my old friends was at the bar, same seat he always took.. he looked 10 years older. This was about 11am on a Sunday.. he was plowed, stumbly, slurry, and smelly.

Lost3000

I think you misread what I was trying to get across somehow.

I declined. It's not that I have nagging feelings - but I have no desire to hang out in a bar. Bars really serve no purpose to non-drinkers.

I did tell her point blank, and she forgot. I don't expect her to always keep in mind I don't drink, it's my deal. But I am bummed and bothered that her invite sounded open, and offered many different options, only for me to find out that a night at the bar was the plan. Feels like bait and switch.

I'm just sad about the whole thing. Sad I have to distance myself, sad I have to trudge out there and try to find non-drinking friends, sad for the awkwardness I am going through.

That would make me angry to have people laugh. I ditched my drinking friends long before I quit drinking. That only fueled my desire to quit. They didn't even bother asking me where I had been, what was going on with me, etc. And I work with them every day!! One is on my floor and she acts like I have leprosy.

Lost3000

yeah, I know you are right, intellectually. Doesn't it make it fun though. I'll try to keep your words in mind.

Hi, I thought I was over the major eye opening when I dumped my drinking friends. This friend is a little bit different. We were friends years ago (and of course we clubbed and partied). We kept in touch via email and such. She just divorced and is going through a tough time. She invited me to her xmas party and now this. And so I guess I thought that now we'd have an adult friendship. I guess I read way too much into it.

By the way, do you not IM? LOL. I've written you but never heard back.

flutter

I did write you back! Lemme go look.

Lost3000

Huh. Someone else told me they wrote me too and I never got it. Weird. I'll check my PMs.

Dee74

Drinking/drugging was the central thing in my life for 20 years.

Not having that there, not having the same relationships with people who'd been in my life a long time, and even losing some people from my life entirely as they just walked away and dropped me like a hot potato was hard to deal with.

But I knew I was doing the right thing - for me - and I trusted the people here who told me that it would work out - don't worry about the anger or the fear that these changes tend to bring...things will work out - noone loses from getting into recovery.

They were right - I have a life now I couldn't have dreamed of in a million years back then - but it fits me - the real me - better than my drinking life ever did.

Starting a new way of life is painful - but I don't regret it. I don't think you will either Lost

Lost3000

Thanks Dee!

I do know that deep down this will become easier, and that my life will become better. I keep trying and doing. I hate feeling so touchy and insecure and and unsure. It's not all of the time though.

And...a friend wrote me this afternoon and wants to meet up for yoga!! I'm so happy about that.