Me.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
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Thanks so much everyone! I hold this site and all of you directly responsible for any success I have, I've spent HOURS here just reading and strengthening my resolve and it's working. Grateful forever.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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I just read this thread from day one in 2011. What a long,strange- you know the rest. Today I have been filled with so many emotions and thoughts about last year at this time. Last year at this time, I was in so deep, drinking very heavily after work and on weekends, working hungover, feeling helpless most of the time and trying so hard to quit. The weather in the mornings sends me back to last spring/early summer and each time that happens I remind myself- I'm ok- coming up on 10 months sober in a couple of weeks- and solidly committed to staying in the moment and moving forward as positively as possible. I remember the very early days, when I would feel a little lost at night, and I have this big crossword book that I would climb into bed with and on the upper corner of each page, I would write how many days sober I was and the date. That book is filled up with so many numbered pages now- I pulled it out to look at it last night and remembered how comforting it was, to get in to bed and know I had ticked off another day without a drink. I'm planning on doing a puzzle tonight and I get to write 288 days in the corner. 288 days. What a blessing, to have another chance. I'm so grateful for this site, and all the people along the way, and my friends who helped me here but who we don't see much anymore. I came and went too, but not this time so far. This place now plays a pivotal role in my life, and I'm committed to being part of this community for the long haul. One thing every one of my failures had in common was me not posting on a regular basis. Accountability, camaraderie, shared experiences and support are crucial to my recovery. Thank you, SR, for all of that.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
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I have gone back and read my 1st post after some time sober also. The emotions and feelings I had come back clear as day.
Sobriety for me is a journey now not a destination.
Enjoy your journey.
SR has saved my quality of and quite possible my life itself.
Sobriety for me is a journey now not a destination.
Enjoy your journey.
SR has saved my quality of and quite possible my life itself.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 1,121
Bravo my friend! And I think that we just solved the mystery of the drinking dream. I'm guessing that your subconscious wanted to chime in after you took this little stroll down memory lane. Thanks for sharing your journey with us and helping to make us all stronger.
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Originally Posted by ClearPath64 
Bravo my friend! And I think that we just solved the mystery of the drinking dream. I'm guessing that your subconscious wanted to chime in after you took this little stroll down memory lane. Thanks for sharing your journey with us and helping to make us all stronger.
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I am heading to one year. 359 days tacked together, one by one, without alcohol. It's been up and down, more ups than downs, but the downs were important. Not for even one day, or even one second of any of it did I seriously consider drinking. I thought about it plenty- but I didn't consider doing it even one time. This still amazes me- at 10 months I gave in and decided to not worry about it any longer- that maybe this is the new way I am- truly free.
9 months was downright hard- again, no desire to drink- but the decreasingly faulty memory and reasoning parts of my brain had me questioning my actions and behaviors so much I almost wanted to shut down- too much demand on my recall for new learning was becoming stressful and I was making foolish errors and comments (forgetting events that had happened just one day before) and it was being noticed. Of course, I brushed it off with the best skills I knew- having been taught how to cover the early stages of dementia by so many of my patients at this point. It was hard to read those dementia levels on the assessments I do daily- how close was I to being one of them? I didn't let myself dwell on that too long- but I was reminded every time I scored a test or got the date wrong myself. It happened a lot more than it should have.
While my short-term memory was clearly defective, my long-term memory seemed to be over-active- zinging me with long-forgotten or repressed glimpses of my childhood or early adulthood. I'd let them come and try to drum up the most I was able to remember, then I'd puzzle-piece the snippets together and make sense of them the best I could. Sometimes I'd ask my mom, and that would turn into a whole other foray into both her and my recovery. Those conversations always ended with the same thing, both of us expressing our gratitude, and sometimes I got the answers I was looking for, and I have begun to process emotions and events that I drank away for years. It's slow going, but it's ok, I have more time these days. I am so grateful to have this time with my mom, too. I know that's a gift.
Month 9 was so rough I worried about driving very far- but I still did it, and when I had no difficulty, I took it as a win. I was careful about dealing with my finances as well managing details at work on the bad days. I really did have to limit depending on my memory outright and used the compensatory strategies that I teach people every day, writing tiny notes and ticking off completed tasks. Slowly, it has gotten better, but some days are better than others, for certain. I know when to be careful with detail-oriented tasks- and when to just leave them for a better day. Fortunately, the good days outnumber the bad, which only started happening very recently. I guess the brain fog may be around for a while more- and that's ok.
In my own mind, hitting month 10 was a huge deal- and I got jangly right before- wondering why in the world has this trip not been long and strange- but quick and relatively straight forward and drama free? I stopped looking for the other shoe after a post on SR about my weirdly absent AV- and then I even started toying it with it, asking, what would make me drink? What would be different if I drank right now? That became boring when I realized the answers were, nothing and everything, respectively. I gratefully have had a very peaceful go since then.
I know I'm not there yet- that one-year mark. But I no longer believe that I can jinx myself by talking about it right now, and in the words of a very respected member, I just think I'm a good bet. That being said, I do not let my guard down, I remain humble and thankful to my friends and mentors here who listen, teach and grow along with me.
See you in 6 days.
9 months was downright hard- again, no desire to drink- but the decreasingly faulty memory and reasoning parts of my brain had me questioning my actions and behaviors so much I almost wanted to shut down- too much demand on my recall for new learning was becoming stressful and I was making foolish errors and comments (forgetting events that had happened just one day before) and it was being noticed. Of course, I brushed it off with the best skills I knew- having been taught how to cover the early stages of dementia by so many of my patients at this point. It was hard to read those dementia levels on the assessments I do daily- how close was I to being one of them? I didn't let myself dwell on that too long- but I was reminded every time I scored a test or got the date wrong myself. It happened a lot more than it should have.
While my short-term memory was clearly defective, my long-term memory seemed to be over-active- zinging me with long-forgotten or repressed glimpses of my childhood or early adulthood. I'd let them come and try to drum up the most I was able to remember, then I'd puzzle-piece the snippets together and make sense of them the best I could. Sometimes I'd ask my mom, and that would turn into a whole other foray into both her and my recovery. Those conversations always ended with the same thing, both of us expressing our gratitude, and sometimes I got the answers I was looking for, and I have begun to process emotions and events that I drank away for years. It's slow going, but it's ok, I have more time these days. I am so grateful to have this time with my mom, too. I know that's a gift.
Month 9 was so rough I worried about driving very far- but I still did it, and when I had no difficulty, I took it as a win. I was careful about dealing with my finances as well managing details at work on the bad days. I really did have to limit depending on my memory outright and used the compensatory strategies that I teach people every day, writing tiny notes and ticking off completed tasks. Slowly, it has gotten better, but some days are better than others, for certain. I know when to be careful with detail-oriented tasks- and when to just leave them for a better day. Fortunately, the good days outnumber the bad, which only started happening very recently. I guess the brain fog may be around for a while more- and that's ok.
In my own mind, hitting month 10 was a huge deal- and I got jangly right before- wondering why in the world has this trip not been long and strange- but quick and relatively straight forward and drama free? I stopped looking for the other shoe after a post on SR about my weirdly absent AV- and then I even started toying it with it, asking, what would make me drink? What would be different if I drank right now? That became boring when I realized the answers were, nothing and everything, respectively. I gratefully have had a very peaceful go since then.
I know I'm not there yet- that one-year mark. But I no longer believe that I can jinx myself by talking about it right now, and in the words of a very respected member, I just think I'm a good bet. That being said, I do not let my guard down, I remain humble and thankful to my friends and mentors here who listen, teach and grow along with me.
See you in 6 days.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 600
Thanks for bumping this thread Viking. It highlights how hard it is to handle staying sober. But what I took away from reading through this is how you didn’t give up. How you were open to learning from your relapses. Very uplifting.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
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Originally Posted by VikingGF
This still amazes me- at 10 months I gave in and decided to not worry about it any longer- that maybe this is the new way I am- truly free.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
Thank you for sharing your whole journey here. You started this thread over 10 years ago and you have kept coming back. Very impressive journey. I know you have had some falls but where would you be if you never started trying? Looking forward to your one year post.
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Day 367.
Yesterday was the anniversary of the best and kind of worst day in memory- my first day 2. It's difficult at times to think about the specific details of that day, but it was important to take some time out and recall what that day really was, what it felt like. On day 2, I came home from being hospitalized overnight, wearing a heart monitor, ashamed, afraid, certainly shaky/jangly and it felt like all my nerve endings were broken- or maybe close to the outside. My mind was both dull and racing at the same time, I didn't trust my own judgement and I was physically and mentally exhausted. I also knew I had no intention of drinking, but was not sure how long that would last, but there was a tiny feeling of relief that I had at last gotten some kind of help. I drove myself home, picked up the dog on the way, and retreated to my very dark bedroom, curtains drawn. It was not yet 12 PM but it was all I could do to just get to my bed and try and process all I had just been through. I had no plan, except DO NOT DRINK. The panic kept flooding over me, so I picked up the phone and dialed my best friend, and we stayed on the phone for several hours, her getting things done with me on speaker phone, me just not being alone. When she had to go, I called another friend, and we watched a movie together, again, over the phone, and when she had to go, my original friend called me back and kept me on the phone until I could sleep. I remember being very grateful, but so afraid at night (I have never been afraid at night) and I left the TV on for company. I am glad I asked for help that day, and I'm documenting that day here so I never forget what it was and how it all felt to be so shaken and afraid. Wisely, that was also the day I returned to SR, and was welcomed with open arms. I was so ashamed- so beaten, so very sad and defeated.
Yesterday I watched Bill W. the documentary. It actually spoke to me- that almost spiritual awakening Bill had, and the way that it was described- I had to rewind it several times, nodding my head in agreement. FREE. That feeling of freedom- when you realize that you no longer are beholden to alcohol- it doesn't control you, as long as you don't put it in your body. I've felt that- and now, that's the feeling I revisit almost daily. It is important to remember the dark- but it is also important to recognize and appreciate the light. This fellowship, this place, where we share the dark and the light, it has taught me so much. Starting this very thread 11 years ago was an important step (oh, I had no idea how important!) in my recovery, and today make my last post here to close it out. I'm not the person who started this thread any longer. I fell down so often, I was dishonest with myself and sadly, this site so many times, I can't even count them. When we drink, we cannot be authentic or truly honest, is what I know now. My deepest apologies for that.
But since 8/12/21, there have been no missteps, only hard work, daily attention to my sobriety, honesty and gratitude and if I have more to say, it will be on a new thread made by that person. I do not pretend that it's easy always speaking the truth or doing the next best thing and I remain staunchly convinced that I must never drink again, or this will all disappear, but I do know that all I really have to do is choose not to drink. Every single time. And that's just fine with me.
If you're struggling, keep going. If you're not, you keep going, too.
Yesterday was the anniversary of the best and kind of worst day in memory- my first day 2. It's difficult at times to think about the specific details of that day, but it was important to take some time out and recall what that day really was, what it felt like. On day 2, I came home from being hospitalized overnight, wearing a heart monitor, ashamed, afraid, certainly shaky/jangly and it felt like all my nerve endings were broken- or maybe close to the outside. My mind was both dull and racing at the same time, I didn't trust my own judgement and I was physically and mentally exhausted. I also knew I had no intention of drinking, but was not sure how long that would last, but there was a tiny feeling of relief that I had at last gotten some kind of help. I drove myself home, picked up the dog on the way, and retreated to my very dark bedroom, curtains drawn. It was not yet 12 PM but it was all I could do to just get to my bed and try and process all I had just been through. I had no plan, except DO NOT DRINK. The panic kept flooding over me, so I picked up the phone and dialed my best friend, and we stayed on the phone for several hours, her getting things done with me on speaker phone, me just not being alone. When she had to go, I called another friend, and we watched a movie together, again, over the phone, and when she had to go, my original friend called me back and kept me on the phone until I could sleep. I remember being very grateful, but so afraid at night (I have never been afraid at night) and I left the TV on for company. I am glad I asked for help that day, and I'm documenting that day here so I never forget what it was and how it all felt to be so shaken and afraid. Wisely, that was also the day I returned to SR, and was welcomed with open arms. I was so ashamed- so beaten, so very sad and defeated.
Yesterday I watched Bill W. the documentary. It actually spoke to me- that almost spiritual awakening Bill had, and the way that it was described- I had to rewind it several times, nodding my head in agreement. FREE. That feeling of freedom- when you realize that you no longer are beholden to alcohol- it doesn't control you, as long as you don't put it in your body. I've felt that- and now, that's the feeling I revisit almost daily. It is important to remember the dark- but it is also important to recognize and appreciate the light. This fellowship, this place, where we share the dark and the light, it has taught me so much. Starting this very thread 11 years ago was an important step (oh, I had no idea how important!) in my recovery, and today make my last post here to close it out. I'm not the person who started this thread any longer. I fell down so often, I was dishonest with myself and sadly, this site so many times, I can't even count them. When we drink, we cannot be authentic or truly honest, is what I know now. My deepest apologies for that.
But since 8/12/21, there have been no missteps, only hard work, daily attention to my sobriety, honesty and gratitude and if I have more to say, it will be on a new thread made by that person. I do not pretend that it's easy always speaking the truth or doing the next best thing and I remain staunchly convinced that I must never drink again, or this will all disappear, but I do know that all I really have to do is choose not to drink. Every single time. And that's just fine with me.
If you're struggling, keep going. If you're not, you keep going, too.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,171
Originally Posted by VikingGF
Day 367.
Yesterday was the anniversary of the best and kind of worst day in memory- my first day 2.
Yesterday was the anniversary of the best and kind of worst day in memory- my first day 2.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Originally Posted by DriGuy
I particularly liked this post, and the description of all the hope it shares for what comes after after day 2. It's very much like my story, except that mine started on day 5.
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