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I'm becoming a sober version of my mom

Old 11-15-2011, 07:26 PM
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Jil
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I'm becoming a sober version of my mom

And I hate it. There are a few things about my mom that I love and that I think are great qualities. But the majority of them I hate, and I'm realizing that I'm becoming just like her. She is currently an alcoholic whereas I am still sober.

All she has in her life is work. She doesn't have friends, she never goes out and if she does do something (whether it be dinner with family or going to a show) she never has fun, always wants to leave, and makes people feel less happy with her depressing mood. If you replace 'work' with 'school', this is exactly who I am becoming. And I've tried talking to a psychologist but no one ever has the answer of how to change your life and make yourself happy. I could force myself to do something, but without fail I always wish I were at home watching TV alone. There isn't anything I enjoy doing any more, and I really feel like I'm going to end up just like my mom.

I hate everything that sobriety has brought, and I want to know when things will get better.
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Old 11-15-2011, 07:43 PM
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How long have you been sober? Are you involved in any kind of recovery program at all? Having something in common with a group of people might make an evening out more enjoyable for you.

Some people are just homebodies. I know I am, now that I'm older. I don't mind getting out occasionally and doing stuff, but I really enjoy being at home. When I was younger, I was always on the go, but I have learned to enjoy my own company and I have my pets that bring me a lot of joy. I love to read and enjoy cooking. I just don't care that much about going out all the time. I never understood my mother wanting to stay home most of the time when I was younger, but now, I see exactly what she felt like. My home is my sanctuary; my place that is comfortable and relaxing.

Is there any kind of hobby that you enjoy? Even if it's just reading or doing needlepoint or cooking or something. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your own home, so long as you don't become a hermit and shun society as a whole.
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Old 11-15-2011, 07:45 PM
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no one ever has the answer of how to change your life and make yourself happy.
I think thats because it's a very individual thing Jil.

For me finding what makes me happy was a long process.

Start with the basics - if you have no friends, never go out, and never have fun and all you have is work/school...then maybe you need to look at each of those in turn.

But, if in the end, trying to meet people, going out and having fun leads you to think all you want to really do is be at home watching TV - maybe you're like me and that homebody is actually who you are?

or maybe there's some depression or anxiety going on here?

Perhaps you need to work out exactly who Jil is - maybe you need a therapist you can connect with who won't tell you how to be happy, but who can help you work your own way through this?

D
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Old 11-15-2011, 08:40 PM
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I found therapy essentialmwhen I got sober. Not addiction therapy but therapy to work on my life and make positive changes.

Today my life is on track and headed more or less where I want to go.
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Old 11-15-2011, 09:14 PM
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I find I become a little more like my parents with each passing year. Fortunately, by recognizing it you have the option to make different choices if that's not what you want for your life.

Whatever you do, your alcoholic brain is going to tell you that because your life isn't exactly the way you want it to be that you might as well drink. You have to make yourself keenly aware of the nonsense in that argument though, and instead make healthier choices.

I agree with checking out the therapy angle. I don't know if you are currently getting f2f support, but that might be something to check out as well. When you say school do you mean college? If you are a college student you should check out to see if there are any groups of sober students on campus. Many college campuses have sober dorms or sobriety programs that might have some people you can connect with. Otherwise I have found that near college campuses is a great place to go to AA meetings if you want to connect with a younger, sober crowd.

Whatever you do, don't allow yourself to fall into the self-defeating thoughts that are telling you that you can't be happy. You definitely can, but you have to work at it.

Good luck!
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Old 11-17-2011, 07:28 AM
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I'm 10 days short of nine months sober. I have been seeing a psychologist for about a year and a half, but I began seeing a different one about 6 months ago. I honestly don't see the point in therapy. Psychologists never seem to help me or give me good guidance. I'm very aware of my emotions and the character traits that I don't like about myself. I'm also aware of things about my life that aren't in my control and that I can't change (my alcoholic mother for example). I don't need help realizing things about myself but I do need help coping and learning how to change my thinking, and psychologists never seem to help me in that respect. Plus they're ridiculously expensive and I can't justify spending that much money any more just to feel like I've told my story to another person, with no real help.
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Old 11-17-2011, 08:39 AM
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I discovered in sobriety that I am basically not a happy person. Yup. I know it's not really socially acceptable to admit that. We are all supposed to be happy, right?

While doing my inventory in the 12 steps of AA, in discussions with my sponsor and a spiritual development program I am also in, I have learned a lot about myself. (I also had 2 years with an addictions therapist). I have learned that the scars of my childhood run pretty deep.

But that knowledge has actually given me a new freedom. Sure, I feel like I need a "Happiness for dummies" book sometimes, but being aware of my essential self has given me the opportunity to change. I was never aware of myself before: I thought I was happy, but that was an illusion.

"Happiness" is not always easy to find, because it feels like I am battling all of my instinctive reactions to life: suspicion, isolation, resentment, anger, etc.
But there is a choice. I can choose to see the negative or the positive. Before, I had no choice because I assumed my (negative) instinctive reaction to life was wise and intelligent and obviously, the only way.

It's not easy: sometimes I don't know how to react to things in a positive way. But, I take a deep breath, give myself some time to find a way and I see where I have two minds about things, and I can go with my negative mind, or my positive one, it's up to me.
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Old 11-17-2011, 08:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Jil View Post
I'm 10 days short of nine months sober. I have been seeing a psychologist for about a year and a half, but I began seeing a different one about 6 months ago. I honestly don't see the point in therapy. Psychologists never seem to help me or give me good guidance. I'm very aware of my emotions and the character traits that I don't like about myself. I'm also aware of things about my life that aren't in my control and that I can't change (my alcoholic mother for example). I don't need help realizing things about myself but I do need help coping and learning how to change my thinking, and psychologists never seem to help me in that respect. Plus they're ridiculously expensive and I can't justify spending that much money any more just to feel like I've told my story to another person, with no real help.
So if you know what you want to change then change it.

If therapy isn't working then stop going.

Try out AA or another support group. It's free and you will get advice on how to cope and change your thinking.

Frankly, all I hear in your posts are you trying to defend yourself against taking any action. You need to take ownership of your issues. Like Gandhi said: you have to be the change you want to see in the world. Well I say you have to be the change you want to see in yourself.
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Old 11-17-2011, 09:10 AM
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I agree with the homebody's, there is nothing wrong with that.

For me finding peace and serenity has been more important to my sobriety life then being happy. I have my happy moments but am grateful for the peace of mind I have now that I never really had before. Happy is more of a byproduct then a goal for me at this point.

Hope that makes sense.
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Old 11-17-2011, 10:14 AM
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I also have pretty poor role-models for happiness.

Do you have friends? I've had good luck watching what other people do for happiness.

Have you ever been treated for depression? (SSRI).

What do you do for fun? What do you do for serotonin boosts? The basics are sleep, sun and exercise AFAIK. I'm guessing there is a nutrition aspect too. And I'm sure other things.

All those things have been helpful for me.

You'd be amazed at the power you have to change your life. The easiest way I've found to feel happy is to do happy things. Like play dollhouse with my 3 year old even though I'd rather poke my eye out at the thought of it. Really just forcing myself to go through with things that other people seem to get joy from.. it's been a whole new world unlocked for me, really. I wonder why nobody ever told me that growing up?
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Old 11-20-2011, 07:13 PM
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Jil
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Originally Posted by eJoshua View Post
So if you know what you want to change then change it.

Frankly, all I hear in your posts are you trying to defend yourself against taking any action. .
I honestly feel helpless because I don't know how to change it. The drinking thing was easy for me- all it involved was to never take a sip again. The problem is that all my issues are emotional and thought related, something that I just don't know how to change. You're probably right when you say I'm defending myself against taking action, I tend to do that quite a bit. But I do believe I have taken some action (psychologist, AA) and as neither have worked all that well, I don't know what the next step is.

I have 2 friends that I see every few weeks or so, and I am in my third year of civil engineering. It's about the only thing that makes me feel good, but only if I do well. That's kind of why I feel as though I'm becoming my mother.
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Old 11-20-2011, 07:53 PM
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I had to take a lot of action to sort out my unresolved issues - some things worked, some didn't and some worked the second time around.

I think you're right - I found it much harder to deal with stuff like this - the intangible stuff, the 'head' stuff - that to deal with not drinking...but don't give up - you're worth the effort, Jil

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Last edited by Dee74; 11-20-2011 at 10:12 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 11-20-2011, 09:43 PM
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AA is changing my life. It is the effort I put in it. We can't change the past. We can learn how to have a well rounded life Today!

I wish you well, whatever you choose to do...life is action and solutions!
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Old 11-20-2011, 10:06 PM
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Why would you become like somebody you don't like? How can you become like somebody that you admire? Why would you want to be somebody that your not? What can you do to make yourself feel like the person that you want to be? (besides drinking of course)
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Old 11-20-2011, 10:48 PM
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Hey Jil,

I was afraid of becoming like my mother too. I am not about to get into that though. You are right to have all these feelings. I agree, you don't need a shrink to tell you how you already know that you feel. You have to learn acceptance. To know that you can't change everything. Learning acceptance is more than just realizing that you are an alcoholic. That when these feelings come over you, you take pause, ask yourself why you are feeling the way you are, if there is anything you can do to change it, and if not, than accept the feeling. If you have feelings of depression, stop right there and ask yourself why, if. It goes beyond something you can not figure out, you should see your Dr, but if you can just accept that you are going to have feelings and take pause as to why you are feeling them, and accept it, I think you will save yourself a lot of stress and heartache.
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Old 11-21-2011, 02:09 AM
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I have found mindfulness exercises and a practice of gratitude to be extremely powerful when used consistently everyday as a means of training in a new perspective. I am a chronically half glass full guy. Change is possible
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Old 11-21-2011, 02:16 AM
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I agree, you don't need a shrink to tell you how you already know that you feel.
no - you're right bozboz...but I found counselling useful to get to the nub of *why* I felt that way, and how perhaps I could look at things in a way that was healthier and more beneficial for me

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Old 11-21-2011, 07:22 AM
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Dee, I agree with you 100%. Part of my recovery is that I see a therapist, but if the person disagrees, stating that they already know thier prolems, and how they feel about them, and it is pointless to pay a therapist for what they already know, then it is up to that person to change the way they feel, or accept the feelings they are feeling. I find therapy to give me new ideas on how to do that.

Maybe (@ Jil) if you try a new therapist, that could help you. I know you said you have been through two in the past year and a half? I met with 11 therapist and had free consults with each until I find the one I was most comfortable with, felt had really cared about what I was going through, who wants to get to the root of everything, and ways to handle feelings I am having.

If m last post seemed rude, I apologize, that was not my intent.
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Old 11-21-2011, 08:27 AM
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I found these two websites last night, and have already read quite a bit. It's kind of like self-therapy and it's free! Just thought I would share them, I'm taking action in a new way. They're both about changing the way you think- which is the main problem I'm having, and it can be applied to a lot of different aspects of life.

San Francisco Cognitive Behavioral Psychotherapist Anxiety Depression Stress

The compulsive drinking section may offend people, especially if you're very pro-AA, so you don't always have to agree with everything that's written, just what resonates positively with you.

Tutorial: Thoughts, Moods, and Feelings | Mood Toolkit
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Old 11-21-2011, 01:03 PM
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I'm glad you're finding some things to help you Jil

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