Terminally Unique

That and have a warning read at the beginning of every meeting telling newcomers that they are not there to be exploited, that it will not be tolerated, and stating who they should talk to if someone tries to take advantage.

It needs to be read right before the usual "How It Works," the steps, traditions, etc. It would only take about ten seconds of extra time, and some groups (admittedly very few) already do this.

Terminally Unique

The grain be damned. I've done it in meetings with 100 people without flinching, and not one single cowardly spineless twit, all of whom cheerfully looked the other way as people were taken advantage of, was able to stop me. They couldn't claim ignorance after that. I say bring it up, and if the group chooses to do nothing, then leave. As OTT pointed out, the GSB already kicked the responsibility back to the groups.

sugarbear1

I bring it (13th stepping) up in a general way, often.

As for a pre-meeting disclaimer, that is up to the group conscience. Most groups don't even have General Service Officers to represent their individual group. At least where I live, and we have over 250 meetings available!

My current sponsor is male, but I have my other women for those other issues. My current focus is on my program.

Terminally Unique

A "guru" with 13 years in the program sleeping with someone with four days clean time. Give me a break. That same "guru" is going to be going on and on about how he works a good program and is so spiritually enlightened at his anniversary meeting, and more than one naive newcomer will be impressed and fall for it. As George W. Bush once said, smoke 'em out !

BASEjumper

Wow. So blame the victims and keep it quiet. I, personally, am appalled by this advice.

bellakeller

Guys. Looking at your own part in things doesn't necessarily involve blame. It's in the Serenity Prayer. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference". That's what I mean by my part - what can't/can I do; how I should proceed. If that means bringing the matter up with the group conscience, I am wholeheartedly behind taking action. It doesn't mean "blame Yourself"; it means if my part in this is to take action, then do.

I was just questioning how the word "honesty" is used in AA terms. If it's totally motivated by revenge, then it loses its integrity.

13 stepping is all kinds of wrong.

sugarbear1

People with years of sobriety are not guru's in any way. Nor are they controlling.
A sick individual is just a sick individual.
It's important to talk with many group members over a period of time and to always consider one's own actions. 90 in 90 helps me get sober, think clearly, and seek support from others, once I hear and see people doing the things they say they do.


Being in bed with a 4 day sober person or using one's 4th step against them can seriously damage another person, in my opinion. This bf who had been through a 4th step (and apparently didn't finish or have a sober sponsor then) hadn't learned much at all. Just a sick person staying sick.

I did steps 4-7 quickly. My experience. It works if you work it!

Terminally Unique

Indeed, which is why one should be most careful who they confess their sins to. My sponsor (when I had one) tried to tell me that I had to confess all my secrets to him, but I knew better. I told him to go back and read pages 74 and 75 in the text, which indicated that I didn't have to tell him squat.
I found a priest in another country for this.

DaveO

Bottom line is this issue needs to be brought up no matter what.

What happens when a fragile newcomer says no, and this person does not take no for an answer.

Could all the people in the group live with themselves knowing that they could have maybe prevented a situation like this?
I don't know how this person thinks, do they (the group)? I doubt it

This is no difference than someone taking advantage of someone in a bar

Terminally Unique

Actually, it is different, because the person who hears a 4th Step inventory has tremendous leverage.

DaveO

I will not get into this, but the bottom line is this person needs to be confronted.

I am not looking at the 4th step part, I am looking at the fragile state in either atmosphere.

i worked at many bars, and I have seen how someone will pretty much spill their entire 4th step (bar step) personal history, and the predator takes full advantage of this. So for me it is the same thing, and it needs to be dealt with like a bar situation.
Remove the threat immediately

I have seen, and heard of to many sponsors taking advantage of people in many groups.

If it isn't this 13th step, it is money, and other.

splendra

((((Brownm))))

I am sorry this happened to you. I am also sorry that your group failed to help protect both you and your b/f from a predator. This is the main reason I do not like AA.

stugotz

When we stop acting like victims we stop being victims. Accountibility for our own actions is all that matters. Just sayin...

splendra

Do you think that after only 4 days that the sponcer even got to the 4th step? Sounds to me like they wanted to be the persons HP to me.

Terminally Unique

Perhaps not this time around, but he had previously, according to the OP:

sugarbear1

It's not AA, but it is other people

ReadyAndAble

I agree. There are jerks in every bar that prey on emotionally vulnerable people. It stands to reason there would be some in AA, SMART Recovery, or any other support group.

At the same time, it's not like the BF is without responsibility. He may be vulnerable, but he's not a child. There is a difference, I think.

But most of all, I'm really sorry you had to deal with this so early in recovery. Good for you for staying on track.

AndreTT

Damn! That must have been hard!
I have had people cheat on me before and it was very very hard.
I cant even begin to think how hard is this happening in few days sober. Especially with someone from a place that should have meant recovery
I hope you re ok

Brownm

Thanks for the feedback, and I do appreciate ALL the feedback given. I went to the AA meeting tonight where the Sponser was picking up his 13 year chip and the newcomer was picking up her 1 year chip. All day I obsessed about what I was going to say. I prayed and realized that if I was obsessing about it then I probably shouldn't say anything at all. So, I didn't. I just congratulated the newcomer on her 1 year of sobriety and said nothing to the Sponser. I felt pretty good about myself on the way home. I didn't cause any strife and I was able to hold my head up with dignity. If I had spewed the angry words I wanted to spew I would probably be sippin on a drink right now. Now, that's progress for me.

sugarbear1

Good for you!