bellakeller

I can understand how you are feeling but your motivation to be "honest" might be a little skewed here.

1. Sounds like you want to hurt this guy because he hurt you (understandable)
2. You will be what's called "taking someone else's inventory" if you call him out in public about this.

Part of the AA program is keeping to your own side of the street. That means being honest about your own part in things. This obvious breech of trust between you and your BF should stay between you and your BF. The obvious breech of trust between your BF and his sponsor should probably stay between them.

Try and stay on your side of the street and trust the process. That guy will get his and it will probably change him in ways you could only dream of.

Sorry this happened. It sucks.


Oh, and stay sober; this isn't worth getting drunk over.

Much love.

sugarbear1

Honesty pertains to self.

Be careful and make a prayer to find clarity of thought and words before your share. 16 days is still a toxic state. I believe in karma and you don't need to listen to me.

Focus on you and you'll stay honest with yourself. And you'll stay sober.

In another opinion, that 13 year chip doesn't represent spirituality, unity, or service, and maybe not sobriety. More like 13 years on the wagon (dry drunk).

Prayers and peace to you, I'm going to meditate with my higher power, I feel "wrong" right now.

sugarbear1

"AA does not engage in any controversy."

People do.

soberviking

Being sober doesn't make anyone an automatic Saint.

Sounds like you need to work on making your bf and this sponsor yesterdays news.

sugarbear1

I don't listen to my sponsor's advice. I follow suggestions pertaining to the steps. We don't always agree on things. I do listen to my sponsor's or others' experiences.

Terminally Unique

It is quite possible that she will be told that she is taking someone else's inventory, or to look at her part in it, but this guy is obviously bad news, and since he has done this before, he will probably do it again. Furthermore, as OTT pointed out, sponsorship is often a position of power, since a sponsor is often privileged to private information. In this case, the sponsor apparently heard the fourth step inventory, and had information that a non-sponsor would not necessarily have.

I would recommend bringing the issue up, and discussing some protocol on this at a group conscience meeting. Even if they are unwilling to address the issue, it is, at the very least, a good way to gauge the nature of a particular group. If a group decides to look the other way and do nothing, even though they are aware of the ongoing problem, it is often best to find another group.

onlythetruth

I am saddened to think that anyone would suggest that the OP look at her part in this. She had no part in it. Her boyfriend got 13th stepped by his sponsor, who was privy to his sexual vulnerability because he'd heard the BF's fourth step.

Again, 13th stepping is a common enough occurrence in AA that the existence of the problem is acknowledged at AA's highest levels, although it has been left to the individual groups to resolve. How can the groups possibly resolve the problem if those who are aware of incidents remain silent and look at "their part" in someone else's behavior?

sugarbear1

The "sober" people at that meeting could have warned the newcomers. I was warned regularly at my meetings. Just my experience.

AA has been around because it adheres to their traditions, principles, concepts and steps. Some groups will disolve when these aren't adhered to.

Read "The Preamble."

HuskyPup

I'd certainly bring the issue up, 'controversy' or not. After all, this could very well help other members from falling for this sponsor's same tricks...I see it as a service to others that the truth be known. And if it 'hurts', well, that's life. This so called 'sponsor' is abusing his position of authority and trust, and I see nothing wrong with calling him out on this; it strikes me as a rational, mature adult act, not something merely motivated out of 'resentment', but rooted in practicality.

Staying passive on the issue condones bad behavior within the group.

sugarbear1

Everyone seemed to know and no one said anything, including her sponsor. I don't see sober behavior anywhere. I'd go to other meetings.

IMNADDICT

This sponsor that 13 stepped his sponcee took advantage of his position. It's along the same lines as a teacher or minister taking advantage.

There is too much control in that relationship anyway.

I'd call him on it it in front of everyone at a meeting. That's just me. If an AA rep would/could step in then I wouldn't feel the need to do it. Everyone looking away is kind of like condoning it. Not blaming you or anyone else, but seriously, who is to say it won't happen to the next guy?

onlythetruth

They certainly could have. But they didn't. And since an organizational decision has been made that the groups are the place such matters are to be handled, there really isn't much choice here but to bring the issue out into the open so that it CAN be handled.

littlefish

Call it out. This is completely unacceptable behavior for any sponsor. There are unfortunately sick people and sick meetings in AA. We don't all just abracadabra become healthy when we walk under that door frame of an AA room. Some of us stay sick for a long time before we start to get the message of recovery.

ajangel

Please forgive my bluntness. Why did this happen? Your boyfriend is a dog. If it were not his sponsor, it would have been someone else. Just the cold hard facts. Dump his a$$, concentrate on your sobriety and move on. You deserve to be respected and loved. Nothing less. Sorry honey. Don't let this ruin your sobriety. I know you feel like you don't want to go to AA, but this had nothing to do with AA. Now is the time you need it the most. You will get past the pain. Keep coming back to SR.

Threshold

To respond to the original post. It happens because people do messed up stuff. Because people can be so insecure that they resort to idiotic and selfish behavior to try to not feel what they feel...alone and scared.

They often do it for the same reason we drank/used. It's messed up, but there it is.

I know it's recovery and I know that newbies are vulnerable, etc etc. but one of the first things we learn in recovery is that we are responsible for ourselves. I am not saying it's cool for anyone to take advantage of another sexually. But there is this thing called two consenting adults.

It's a wake up call, but yeah, we all need to realize that the people in the rooms are, um...ADDICTS. We lie, cheat, steal, justify, make messed up decisions, etc. Just because we all came there to get support doesn't mean we are angels. We are in the program to take our own inventories, not someone else's. We need to look after ourselves IN the rooms, with the same vigilance we do outside the rooms, and, honestly, maybe more.

I think it's cool for people to remind newbies that they still need to watch out for themselves. It's a safe place to talk about recovery, but it's not necessarily a safe place for everything else. Personal life is still personal. All the checks and balances we use in the rest of our life we should use in recovery. And we are still responsible for our own behavior.

If I don't want to be taken advantage of, then maybe I ought to not hop into bed with some addict I barely know.

I'm a woman. I have a history of past sexual abuse. But I still know that I need to keep my eyes open, and my private info to myself. I'm in the rooms for recovery, not as a social club or dating pool. If I choose to use them for something other than recovery, and get my *ss burned, I can't simply pass the blame to someone else.

This is something that is mentioned to newcomers in the area I got clean in. And I think that is good.

MemphisBlues

I think 13th stepping disrupts the spirituality of the group, not to mention the straying from the primary purpose in regards to the newcomer.

Where I live, group- consciousness is used to rein in any unacceptable behavior.

I would recommend the OP talk privately with an old timer in hopes that a group consciousnesses meeting would be called to address the infraction.

To me, AA or NA is a solid place to develop relationships of all sorts, and I don't think two people who find each other in the rooms -- after a long time of sobriety -- is 13th stepping. God speed to them.

13th stepping, as I understand it, is an old timer hitting on a newcomer, who is shattered, open to manipulation, and seeks only sobriety and peace when walking into the rooms. 13th stepping is predatory and should be banished. It's the group's responsibility to foster and maintain the primary purpose of NA and AA.

Confronting the situation in an open meeting would be against the grain, as would letting the situation go ignored.

An example: The chair of a NA meeting had the reputation of simply being rude to newcomers, telling them after the meeting that they had no "right" to share unless they had one year of sobriety.

The group consciousness meeting called dressed the dude down, telling him to get back to Step 1. And a woman at the meeting dressed him down for simply commenting on her clothes, that she was allowed to wear short shorts, what have you, without him leering at her.

I'm a guy living in a very machismo culture. The women in the rooms are few, and my heart goes out to them, as it takes courage and drive that few men demonstrate to suit up, show up and share.

The "sponsor" in this situation is despicable.

HuskyPup

It is kinda weird, how many more men than women I see at meetings, come to think of it.

IMNADDICT

About less women, yes it is strange come to think of it. I remember women having trouble finding sponsors and some having a man sponsor them because of this. There was one case where the girl was much younger than the man and my sponsor told me to just worry about my sobriety and not get involved. But I really felt uncomfortable. It just wasn't right.

That's why something should be done by the GSO or whomever in charge about 13 stepping. How can people (can't say women anymore) that are new just rely on the group to explain the situation for them? What if they don't hit that particular meeting that day?

onlythetruth

Confronting the situation in an open meeting would be against the grain, as would letting the situation go ignored.

Unfortunately, failing to confront the situation in an open meeting runs the risk of letting the situation go ignored. A group conscience, and a quiet reprimand of the offender, is simply not enough.

A bit of personal experience will explain why I say this. In my area there is an oldtimer with very long term sobriety who is a predator. He doesn't look like one: he's a lawyer, very intelligent, well spoken and charming. His MO is that he befriends new, attractive women, the earlier on the better, usually before they have sponsors or anyone to warn them. His behavior eventually came to the attention of other oldtimers who claimed they would "take care of it". Apparently he was indeed quietly "spoken to", but this resulted only in his taking his act to other meetings. He also succeeded in 13th stepping a newcomer on her way into her very first meeting.

The only possible way to address this sort of thing effectively is to be certain that the offenders are called out PUBLICLY so that everyone knows what is going on. If this disrupts the atmosphere of the meeting, so be it: it seems to me that this is a small price to pay, given the damage that a predator can do to a vulnerable newcomer.

onlythetruth

I could not agree with you more, but again, the issue was considered by the General Service Board in 2009. The GSB acknowledged the existence of the problem, but claimed that it had no authority to address it due to the tradition of group autonomy. Therefore, unless the GSB chooses to reflect on this and change its decision, the situation has to be handled at the group level.