reggiewayne

Hello all. It's been about a month and a half since I've posted here. Some of you might remember that I was pretty involved here and in AA for about 6 months.

At the time I came to AA and this site I was on my knees. I had no job, and no prospects. I was so ashamed of my past and the future didn't look good all. Well, fast forward a few months and I had worked the steps, gotten over the shame of my past, and gotten a good job. So, my recovery shifted from "get me out of this mess" to "things aren't so bad, maybe I was just depressed not an alcoholic.

So, in late June I said fukc it! I picked up a beer on vacation and have been drinking here and there since then. Nothing bad has happened btw from the outside. No arrests, no fights, no lost job, nothing... all that has changed is I am not going to meetings and posting on this site.

Having said that, I don't feel as content and as happy since drinking again. Also, drinking isn't really even much fun. The euphoria that I once got from drinking simply hasn't come to me. So I'm in an odd spot...

For me, recovery consumed me. It took soooo much effort. From going to meetings daily, to listening to recovery CD's, to coming to this site a lot, to service work, etc... The results I got were good, but at the end of my recovery run I was burnt out. What I would like to do is to stop drinking. I'm not even that concerned with quitting because it wasn't much fun anyways.

My concern is finding a balance between recovry and life. It's as if I have two choices, drinking to kill time or filling up my time with recovery. Does this make sense to anyone?

I went back to a meeting today and it was nice. But I heard the same things, "if I drink I will die, it's progressive, stay sober one day at a time" all good advice, but it's tough to live your life with an AA gun to your head that says one drink is gonna kill you. For me, at least for now that isn't true. BUT drinking is not something that betters my life. Drinking is not something that I wake up from and say "man, sure glad I did that".

The point / advice I'm seeking is there a way to balance this where I can still go to AA and see my buddies, still work the steps, still have a connection with an HP, but not feel like I"m in a daily battle for life?

Good to be back guys and I look forward to hearing from you guys.

RW

Isaiah

Hey Reggie!

As I am also "back" after a long hiatus, it's good to see a familiar face back again.

You needn't consider it a gun to your head. It's only logical that if your life gets any or at all better when you're sober ought to be logic and reason enough to do it. The massive extremes of life or death are good for those who are perhaps taking a real chance on death (and some addicts, yes, are in a position of live-or-die, there is no halfway!)

Get sober just to be happier, if only a bit than you were in the great ups-downs of drinking. You don't have to save your life, not yet. One of the things I got in AA was that recovery isn't a promise that your life will instantly get better. In fact, it may not. For many it's just trying for a greater average, in the hopes that one wont someday end up in the hospital with a doctor telling them the next drink might destroy their liver and life permanently.

Grand narratives, if they seem to extreme, don't use them. If you have to get sober for a betterment of a mundane, daily life then do that. If it's not live or die, then go live better or live worse. We should be so lucky not to be teetering on such a dire edge.

SDSurfn

Welcome back, Reggie and Isaiah.

You guys were around when I first joined SR and I always got something from your posts.

Glad both of you are back.


-SD

Zebra1275

Welcome back.

sugarbear1

I'm seeking the same as you. Day 84. Feeling overwhelmed, getting lazy with some daily tasks, but unwilling to commt slow suicide (drinking, etc).

I hang with people who were once homeless, some were in prison (not jail, prison). They do meetings, hold jobs, etc and found a balance. So, I'm sticking around...try different meetings, listen to speakers online.

If they can do it and balance ALL, one day I can, too.

Keep sober, you are worth it. Hugs prayers and love sent to you

farmer

Yes I see your point and you have a good one. I have cut down to 3 meetings a week or so. I am going to die but drinking will just get me there faster, already have enough organ damage although all my tests are normal now for a man my age and most of my vitals are better than my age group.

Finding normalcy, I don't know, I know it's a challenge but I am a doing better after 4 months after rehab and doing 140 meetings, 90 in 90 and all that.

It's interesting what your brain has done after the sobriety and AA. I think I have that to. I know drinking wouldn't do a darn thing for me.

Hope you find some normalcy or whatever you need and thanks for posting.

sugarbear1

Before your next meeting, say a prayer then see if there's someone sincerely needing to talk. Get out of you and help another. See what happens....

I start with 7 am meeting, my day is usually full of positive and negative experiences. Today I ran into a woman who was also in my field of work. In 10 minutes of conversation, she spoke of God, humility, prayer and hope. Woah, nelly! Shocked, I guess something is changing in my life!

Dee74

Welcome back Reggie and Isaiah

Reggie I'm not in AA but I do believe that one drink will kill me...it just won't be right away.

It will be long and protracted - and the real sting is I won't even be aware of it for a long time...and by the time I am aware of it...it'll be another herculean effort to quit.

I know recovery can seem a chore. I spent a long time just wishing I could go & just not be in recovery. It seemed easier just to drink - now and then won't hurt.

But if we could drink like that - and stay like that - none of us would be here Reggie.

I spent 20 years not wanting to be the kind of drinker I was. I denied it again and again - but I proved it again and again too.

Eventually, I found I changed - I worked hard, I didn;t go back - I moved forward - and something clicked.

I got the balance right.

For me my recovery is an important part of my life, it's the axis on which my life turns, but it's not my life.

I still work on my recovery every day - it's not a chore and it's not a gun to my head - I really enjoy my life now I'm sober and I really like who I am sober.

I'm sorry you didn't find that, Reggie - but I do believe it's there for you

I really hope you'll make the time to go back and read all your posts - right back from when you started here.

All that journey? that's what at stake here.

D

anew

Welcome Back-you were missed!

recoverywfaith

Welcome back to SR. I am not at a happy medium in good balance...but I have hope...in the steps thru my HP...one day at a time.

Mark75

Your experience in AA is just that, your experience. Some eat and breathe AA. Some work the steps and go to meetings to keep it fresh and more importantly, to give back... Share your experience, strength and hope... Maybe someone else needs to hear it... You have a good message and you have a way with words. So, keep coming back.

Take another look at that first step..

Nirvana1

Hey man, glad to see you're still alive.

I've been in AA for a few months, and totally get when you say "gun to your head". I believe there is this mentality because picking up one drink leads to the destruction we were in before. It might not happen right away, but there is overwhelming evidence that if an alcoholic drinks again, he will be back to his old ways. It is tough to argue that with all the proof we have.

I can also really relate to the "I have X amount of months and feel a lot better so maybe I'm not an alcoholic". Maybe I'm lucky that I get reminded a lot with memories of how bad I was when I was drinking. I am able to really feel how bad it would be to drink again, especially in excess. Just last year on August 7th, I drank all weekend from morning until night, and felt like absolute crap every time my bac started to lower. I was an absolute wreck and a complete alcoholic in every sense of the word.

No matter how good I feel today, tomorrow, or in anytime in the future, I will always have that drinking experience to remind me that I am an alcoholic and where I will end up if I drink again.

And yes it does start with the first drink, then just a couple drinks, then just every once in awhile for "special occasions", and then finally with "F*&% it I just lost my job, wife, car, house, etc, and I'm getting loaded"

Nirvana1

P.S.

You're also basically asking if you can drink with no consequences but still go to AA and see your buddies. As they say in the BB "Any man who can go back to drinking like a Gentleman, our hats are off to you"

Snarf

Good to see you, Reggie. Glad you stopped by.

I admit, I haven't been to the AA rooms in quite a while. I've kinda replaced that with my relationship with God. Instead of constantly working on my recovery from alcoholism, I'm always focused on just doing the right thing, making the right decisions, taking the right steps to better my life. It's just that in the midst of all of that, I know that drinking alcohol will not help me accomplish any of the things I need to do in life. In fact, it will just hold me back, so why allow that nonsense to enter my life?

Just work hard, stay positive, focus on the good things in life, and make smart decisions. And drinking alcohol is almost never a smart decision.

Thanks again for checking in. Very glad you did.

Terminally Unique

Reggie,

Having read many of your posts before, I must say that this is unexpected. :-)

This is not often touted these days, but if you read Bill Wilson's early writings, he used to brag about people who were in the middle of nowhere, without meetings everywhere, like there are now, who recovered simply by reading the book and following the instructions. You don't have to fill up all of your free time with recovery work.

The purpose of recovery is not to go into another box, but rather to be able to do the things that you wanted to but couldn't while you were addicted. You had hobbies before your drinking became a problem, no? Perhaps you should try to get into some of those again.

Dee is correct about the drinking, though. The potential for re-addiction is much higher for those who were previously addicted, and it can creep back up on you, ever so slowly and insidiously. Having read about your journey, when you were looking for work, and how happy you were when you got it, I would hate to see you lose all that.

Do take care of yourself. At the very least, please keep a close eye on your intake level.

Anna

Reggie, I am really glad to see you back.

And, I'm glad you're seeking support here before things get really bad.

I completely agree with you, balance is so important. And, Dee is right, when you get the balance, then it's not a chore anymore.

Zencat

The F'its had me going to...oh sure I can have a few now and again then one day it just happens, f-it all, let me be as I have things managed. Its amazing from the outside things can go swimmingly along and yet knowing it only takes one time to blow everything off. Kinda like balance a keg of gun powder...Yes its dangerous but so far so good.

sugarbear1

To add to AVRT, the big book had Not Yet been written. The earlier people got sober through letters sent from Bill W Dr Bob and the early old timers kept them sober. The endless hours Henrietta, Lois and the rest of the nonalcoholic wives and volunteers (Henrietta was a secretary) helped those too far from Akron, OH meetings or other early meetings held in the homes of those old timers.

Zencat

Good mention of AVRT, It gets to the bottom of things in a no nonsence direct way. Nothing much to wonder or be indecisive about with AVRT.

sugarbear1

The women copied & mailed letters, after the book was written, since Bill kept writing about what they did to get sober, then more people became sober & meetings sprang up in places far from Akron, OH.