Uncomfortable

Thank you for all the responses which really resonated with me as far as me making the first move. Maybe my question got a little lost though as I really am asking what to expect and please don't refer me to the sticky. I have been to many AA meetings and I was asking the mind set. What will a sponsor expect from me? What does AA expect from me? I guess it really is a secret! So now I have to figure out if I want to join and find out what it's all about blindly! I just wonder why there is no straight answer on this but if there isn't....there isn't. So again, Thank you for taking the time and responding. Really sweet of you all.

Uncomfortable

Oh. I need five posts to pm the woman who offered and so............

Uncomfortable

#4

Uncomfortable

speaking of silly....... #5

BadCompany

Kind of hard to answer. Sponsors will vary on their style. Some sponsors will have hard and fast rules, like call me every day, or be at a certain meeting, others will work more around you and be more focused on one on one step work. AA as such really doesn't have expectations as far as is goes. I mean we'd really prefer it if you show up sober and dressed, but whatever it takes, ya know.

Uncomfortable

Thanks Bad Company. This has really helped plant a seed in my heart. I'm pretty unhappy now so why not just try the one thing I am the most afraid to do? The reason I'm so set on AA is that it seems to be for people like me who weren't happy and aren't happy sober but simply cannot drink anymore either. It's a pretty misreable point to be at. I have to give this a try. Anyone who prays - yours prayers on this would be appreciated. Thank you.

Uncomfortable

Littlefish -You are actually the reason I finally posted on this website because you said you wouldn't sponsor someone's girlfriend because she was too much of an alcoholic which got me thinking about all the BB stories. The stories at the end are hard core like me and the lady. Were you really saying that AA only accepts certain types of alcoholics?

BadCompany

You are in my prayers.

BadCompany

I didn't see the post you refer to but most of the old timers will know their limitations. I steer clear of the guys that want to take charge and tell me how they will run their sobriety and how I should sponsor them. I don't consider the phrase STFU good sponsorship tactics. Others will steer clear of the heart breakers and the dead enders and chronic slippers that I wind up dealing with.

CoopDiVille

"the only requirement for membership is a desire to quit drinking". Plain and simple. AA doesn't discriminate, if YOU think you have a drinking problem, then that's good enough. Only YOU can decide if you're an alcoholic.

I tried for a long time to get sober with everything EXCEPT AA. The first time I went, voluntarily, I thought "What a bunch of losers! I don't belong here."
Turns out, AA saved my life and I certainly belonged there then, just as I do now. When picking a sponsor, just listen to everybody; listen for the similarities to your story. Go to the person that has what you want. I promise, just give it some time, it'll happen. Don't let those old timers intimidate you! (I'm not saying that they DO, I'm just sayin'!)

wpainterw

Uncomfortable: This thread has got me thinking about "tough love" vs. some gentler approach. What seems to be the problem in the very sticky situation which is addiction is that, due to the denial which goes along with it, the mind will do anything, at least in the initial stages of recovery, to hide from the realities and figure out all sorts of ways to perpetuate the illness, that is to continue drinking, either on a binge basis or a more regular basis. So an alcoholic cannot really trust the mind. Often, then, it takes an outsider, a person who has had some sobriety and experience with recovery, to provide direction along with support. This means that if you can find a sponsor you can trust, someone to whom you can really reach out, you there in the water and that person in the lifeboat, then it's wise to rely as much as you can on that person's advice. Give it a try. Try the steps and if you hit some potholes, try to figure out why and never give up. If the sponsor doesn't work out then try for a different one, but always be very careful that you're not doing that just to reinforce your denial. Easier said than done but there's a road back. Many have done it. You can do it.

W.

littlefish

Uncomfortable, I don't recall saying that. Or maybe I said something to the effect, but I don't think I have the opinion that anyone can be "too much of an alcoholic"...heck, I'm a hard core case.
Anyway, sometimes my sponsor listens to the things I say and responds by telling me what she is "hearing".
Now what she hears isn't exactly always what I am saying. You mention being worried about being accepted in AA. What I hear is that being accepted is important to you. That's another issue in itself, but, you don't have to worry about being accepted by AA. People go to AA to recover from the disease of alcoholism and to use the 12 steps in order to do that. People don't go to aa to be liked or be admitted into a social group, because AA is a fellowship yes, but not a social group. There is a difference. You will sit next to people you may not like at all at a meeting. Because the whole world with all it's warts and BO come into the rooms, and it is highly unlikely that any of us will like everyone in a meeting. You don't like everyone in the grocery store, or, if you have belonged to any other clubs, you may have noticed that everyone didn't get along. It's only human nature. Try to think how the other people in AA can support your recovery, instead of worrying that they will accept you.

I would say there aren't any expectations of that kind in AA. A sponsor will expect you to call her and meet with her to do your 12 step work if you have committed to doing that with her. She will expect honesty. Because meeting your commitments and being honest is important for your recovery.

AA will expect nothing more than you not showing up at meetings drunk, that is when they may ask you and expect you to sit and listen. Other than that? The only expectation is that you have a desire to stop drinking.

I can totally relate to being unhappy sober and unhappy drinking. I was in AA for over a year without working the steps and not drinking. I had to learn how to be happy. When I finally started to work the steps, I started to learn how to do that.
I still have bad days, we all do. But my emotional state is now steady, no more roller coaster rides of emotions.
Sorry for this long-winded post! Just one last thing: many of us felt uncomfortable in AA for the first few meetings, weeks or months. Not everyone walked in, and as some say, felt like they had come "home". Now I feel that way, but it wasn't an overnight transition.

Rusty Zipper

good for you on your non drinking time uncomf

if you were at out homgroup, the P.O.E (Panel of Experts) and no not really, we just aint a glum lot! lol

if you before, after or during the meeting said what you said here to us.

i would come up to you and say,

lets go do it!

and these are the directions on how i did it,

one day at a time

are you willing to go to any lengths?

i'm an any lenghter

now go seek that group and sponsor,

one that will no coddle you, tell you what you may want to hear,

and help you to a new and way better life

all good wishes uncomf

Uncomfortable

Everyone - Thank you. Rusty - What are "any lengths?" I just want to know what the work is but I may just have to find out on my own.

AWOL

I'd go with Sober Jennie's advice. That would offer compassion and empathy.

Uncomfortable

I looked into WFS but I cannot find any meetings posted. I live in CA.

LexieCat

AA really isn't a "secret club". The people who seem so easy and comfortable around each other are that way because they have recovered.

Nobody expects you to be "Ms. Sociable"--we want you to succeed, but you have to really want it for yourself. We can't do the work FOR anyone else. A lot of the recovery work is uncomfortable. It's just the way it is. The disease is uncomfortable, and seeing the truth about ourselves can be VERY uncomfortable. The deal is, though, when you do the work, the discomfort is relieved. You change inside, and become one of those people who is comfortable in her own skin (yes, you may have to change your screen name when that happens. )

If you wait to do the work until you feel comfortable, you will never get anywhere.

Hugs, and courage,

Rusty Zipper

uncomf

"One step further than we are comfortable with"

any lengths

Uncomfortable

Rusty - my heart actually heard what you just said and that makes sense to me. So well put. Thank you!

miamifella

I have had a very similar experience to Uncomfortable. I went through half-a-dozen sponsors--none of whom were willing to have the kind of one-on-one personal relationship so many people describe here. And when I asked for any help or guidance from people at meetings, it usually resulted in getting yelled at for not knowing what I was asking about.

Other new people were much more supportive. They have less stake in keeping it all mysterious and they want help as much as you do--so it becomes more mutual and personal.

If the conventional wisdom is wrong, search for what is right.