Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > New to Addiction and Recovery? > Newcomers to Recovery
Reload this Page >

Has AA gotten too big? Can I find help there? Please help me..........



Notices

Has AA gotten too big? Can I find help there? Please help me..........

Old 06-29-2011, 02:09 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Uncomfortable's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 10
Exclamation Has AA gotten too big? Can I find help there? Please help me..........

My screen name pretty sums up how I feel all the time around people and even when I'm alone. I've really gone down with this sinking ship far far into my alcoholism. Lost my job, home, family, friends. Live in a hotel right now. I realized I was an alcoholic several years ago and have tried AA for on and off. I even went to family to get sober and it just didn't work out. I went because they've been through it and I thought they would teach me the steps. I was radiant with hope. Instead it was just a meeting a day and I was completely on my own. I always seem to run into these tough love people at meetings. If only knew how hard it was for me to even try to go but their harsh snappy ways just defeat me and I end up not going back for awhile as I can attain sobriety for fairly large patches of time because I'm a binge drinker. AAers call this expectations. Well, who doesn't have expectations? I couldn't get to a meeting if I didn't hope (hence expect) that it will be a good meeting and I will feel comfortable enough to find someone to help me. It's like circular thinking. If I could just figure out where they are coming from with their speeches, phrases and what they want me to do - I could do it! I wouldn't take it so personally. But I end up feeling attacked and retreat.

I want to learn the steps. The meetings aren't enough. How to I break into this exclusive club with my shy & panicky personality? Why are the steps such a mystery? I've read them but have no idea how to "work them" as all AAers seem to go on and on about at meetings but then just slap you accross the face (figurativly speaking) with the, "stop thinking about yourself!" "You're not ready" (I got that from my family a lot). Was that suppossed to motivate me to prove them wrong? I just don't understand the mind set. If I could just know where they are coming from and the response they are looking for from me it would take the mystery out of it for me.

Any advice on how to get into this club (not just go to meetings) would be grately appreciated as I am at a loss and just terified to try again and have them shoot me down. I'm 67 days sober by the way but nothing in my life has changed. Still terrified. Still isolated and very very alone. I will drink again without support and the consequences (as they always are now) will be devestating (i.e. jail or the mental place). I'm a serious binge drinker and rejection and not being treated with kindness is my #1 excuse to drink, hence I have been avoiding AA which is the "medicine" I think I so desperately need but maybe not. Maybe they have just gotten too big to help as they seemed to help so many people in the Big Book stories I have read over and over.

Thanks for listening and I hope the AA people will respond - especially you "tough love" types as I want to know your mind set and what you are hoping to achieve from me - response wise so that I can perform and get in there. I really want in and to be accepted. But I don't want to just get beat up and abused. I'm very good at doing that all by myself.

Uncomfortable is offline  
Old 06-29-2011, 02:20 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location:   « USA »                       Recovered with AVRT  (Rational Recovery)  ___________
Posts: 3,680
You'd need to find a smaller meeting. Back when I used to go, I liked the larger meetings (100+ people) if I wanted to "disappear" but if you want to get anything done, the smaller meetings (15 people or so) are best.

There are also different types of meetings. Most seem to be Open Discussion these days, but you do also have Big Book study meetings, which are more focused.

I don't know where you live, but I am sure there are active members on here that can recommend some in your area, or even possibly some that would work with you over the Internet or phone.
Terminally Unique is offline  
Old 06-29-2011, 02:28 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Have you ever considered that you might make a better fit for Women For Sobriety? They don't dish out tough love, and they are very positive and supportive... And you'll only be around women
Soberpotamus is offline  
Old 06-29-2011, 02:31 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Came to Believe
 
Fenris's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Montgomery AL
Posts: 507
Uncomfortable, the first thing I would suggest is that you get a sponsor, someone who will help you work the steps, will answer all your questions, will be there whenever you need them. The things I looked for when I was looking for a sponsor are 1. Someone with more than a year of sobriety; 2. Someone that goes to meetings pretty regularly and has a sponsor themselves; 3. Someone who has worked all of the Steps and is still working them. I didn't necessarily look for someone that I liked or could be friends with (I got lucky though), but mostly I looked for someone who knew what they were talking about. There is a lot of tough love in AA...rigorous honesty (with everyone, including ourselves) is required to get sober and stay sober. A good sponsor won't be any different (someone once jokingly told me that if you still like your sponsor after six weeks, you've got the wrong sponsor), because a sponsor's job is to get all the BS out of you so that you can start living honestly.

If you don't like the way you're treated at one AA group, try another one. Hell, try ALL of them in your area until you find one you're comfortable with. I can understand that you're sensitive and that you feel like you're still on the outside looking in -- like it or not, AA is still made up of people, and people like to form cliques, but keep going. Just seeing your face over and over will be enough for some of them to eventually come up and start including you.

I hate that that's been your experience with AA so far and I hope I've said something here that might help you. Congratulations on being sober for 67 days.

--Fenris.
Fenris is offline  
Old 06-29-2011, 03:06 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
wpainterw's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
This is a very well thought out and articulate expression of the way you feel. It's hard to say just what to do in this situation other than the rather obvious one of trying several different meetings, and, as another post here suggests, perhaps a smaller one. Try to find a congenial person who is more sensitive and understanding. I know they're out there since I have found meetings where the atmosphere is definitely supportive and not threatening. If AA isn't working for you then perhaps some alternative program which offers group support would help. You can access the names of such groups by links on this SR website. It's definitely discouraged in the AA groups I have attended to take another persons "inventory", as it is called, namely criticize and try to tear down another person the way you describe. So I hope you have some luck finding a supportive friend. All the best to you. I was a binge drinker too so I've been there.

W.
wpainterw is offline  
Old 06-29-2011, 03:13 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hello

You will be able to find a sponsor in the meeting you attend who has "worked the steps as quickly as possible and to the best of their ability to get a spiritual awakening to recover from alcoholism"...basically if the person you are talking to understands what that means, agrees with it and has done it then they can show you how to do it yourself...if they haven't stay away from them...this means that you are looking for a smaller percentage of the room in this case but you will find one if you are ready to begin...

As for tough love in AA, sure it comes from people that have worked the steps and recovered because they want you to recover too but you do have the element of people, as i have said, in the rooms that just talk the talk and these are usually the asses who cause more damage than good.

My advice would be to bite the bullet, and i know you aren't going to want to do this, and share at one meeting that you are looking for a sponsor to take you through the steps as i have said above...say that, if you are, willing to do what they say and willing to be honest...you will be herded away to someone who knows how to help you after the meeting.

Hope that helps and good luck:-)
yeahgr8 is offline  
Old 06-29-2011, 03:38 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
1undone's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
No AA hasn't gotten to big to help anyone and welcome! Congrats on the 67 days!

I would go to a women's group as was mentioned here. I find them to be smaller and less "threatening." Maybe if you also explain how fragile you are you may get a different response from others?

You could also post and read here for a while since this is new to you and through this site you may gain some strength???
1undone is offline  
Old 06-29-2011, 03:57 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location:   « USA »                       Recovered with AVRT  (Rational Recovery)  ___________
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by yeahgr8 View Post
You will be able to find a sponsor in the meeting you attend who has "worked the steps as quickly as possible and to the best of their ability to get a spiritual awakening to recover from alcoholism"...

My advice would be to bite the bullet, and i know you aren't going to want to do this, and share at one meeting that you are looking for a sponsor to take you through the steps as i have said above...
That would indeed be a quick way to find a solution-based sponsor and home group, particularly if you shared that at a larger meeting.
Terminally Unique is offline  
Old 06-29-2011, 04:19 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
CarolD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to our recovery community...

When I began my AA steps I switched from shakey sobreity into solid recovery....

Therefore....I suggest you start attending 12 Step meetings and share that you are interested in learning how to incorporate them in your life.
The AA program is based on the Steps.

Yes I know you have been to meetings....but perhaps this link will be of help

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/F...A_Meeting.html

Wishing you all the best as you move forward....
Please do keep posting with us....glad you joined SR
CarolD is offline  
Old 06-29-2011, 04:26 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
rode hard and put away wet
 
bellakeller's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
You can raise your hand, say you're new and that you're looking for a temporary sponsor. If someone gives you a number, call it even if you have no idea what to say. The rest should take care of itself.

Keep comin' back.

Much love.
bellakeller is offline  
Old 06-30-2011, 04:06 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Journey of Recovery
 
Kablume's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
Posts: 621
Congrats on your 67 days sober and welcome to SR!

I know when I started I was scared and very anxious. Petrified even. I just had to take that first step and talk to some women and get some phone numbers and eventually I asked someone to sponsor me. If you say you are new, people should be glad to help you out. As hard as it is, go early and stay after and try to get to know some people. Not every one is tough love.

As the saying goes in AA, you have to give it away to keep it so people are usually glad to help you. All of us have been new at one time so we know how you feel.

You can always come here and ask questions. People here are very understanding. But I hope you don't give up on AA. It has been life changing for me since I started almost 2 years ago and have worked the steps. It isn't a secret and we love to help you work them.

Glad you are here.
Kablume is offline  
Old 06-30-2011, 04:25 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Uncomfortable,

Unfortunately, your observation is somewhat correct. It can be hard to find the AA message of recovery in many meetings of AA. Instead, the meetings serve as a self-help support group or a kind of layman's group therapy.

There is a line in the Forward to the 4th Edition that talks about how membership in AA skyrockets in different countries when the literature is made available in the native language. That indicates to me that when the specific, precise directions for how to recover are made available to people, the number of recovered people greatly increases.

So, if you are at a meeting where people aren't carrying a BB, you may want to consider if that meeting is really engaged with AA's solution, the 12 Steps. Find those groups that are engaged. Yeahgr8 suggestion of asking for a sponsor who has had a spiritual awakening as the result of the Steps will weed out the passer by and hook you up with someone that has done the deal.
keithj is offline  
Old 06-30-2011, 04:42 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Merritt Island, Fl
Posts: 1,164
AA isnt for those who "want it" or "need it" Its for those that are willing to do whatever it takes to get sober.
stugotz is offline  
Old 06-30-2011, 08:00 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
I am a tough love AA er.....

Easy solution to your situation, get a sponsor. That's how it works. No one is going to walk up to you and say "hey, why don't I sponsor you and take you through the steps."

You need to approach someone and ask. Tell the person you are 67 days sober and you want to start working the steps. That easy.

You are right to want to do more than attend meetings. Our program for living is in our steps, not sitting in chairs at meetings.

If you have any questions, PM me anytime!
GettingStronger2 is offline  
Old 06-30-2011, 08:18 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Practice Sobriety
 
Mcribb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: KC missouri
Posts: 885
I have hope for you!
Mcribb is offline  
Old 06-30-2011, 08:52 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Zebra1275's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,836
There are a variety of different AA groups, the key is trying out a bunch and sticking with the one's you like. I prefer meetings of no more than 25 - 30 so that I can get a chance to share if I choose to do so.

I have been to a couple of meetings where it was just me and 3 other people. Those are cool too!
Zebra1275 is offline  
Old 06-30-2011, 12:11 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
littlefish's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
You've gotten all the advice I can give: especially getting a sponsor. Taking you through the steps is exactly what a sponsor does. Working the steps is the backbone of the AA program, and if you don't start working the steps, you are not going to benefit from the most important part of the program. Your sponsor may ask you to call him or her everyday. That will help break your feeling of isolation.
littlefish is offline  
Old 06-30-2011, 01:28 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location:   « USA »                       Recovered with AVRT  (Rational Recovery)  ___________
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by keithj View Post
So, if you are at a meeting where people aren't carrying a BB, you may want to consider if that meeting is really engaged with AA's solution, the 12 Steps.
I got tired of carrying that thing and I gave it away. I do have an electronic version of the "Big Book" for the Amazon Kindle or Nook eBook reader, however. Fully searchable, with table of contents, and easy to highlight or bookmark if you have one of these devices.

It is the second edition, so the copyright is expired in the US. If anyone is interested, just PM me.
Terminally Unique is offline  
Old 06-30-2011, 02:30 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
CoopDiVille's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Arlington, TX
Posts: 12
Hey, AA isn't a social club, waiting to analyze you and discuss your membership! Talk to someone, GET A SPONSOR!!! It doesn't matter if you are shy. That doesn't mean a thing!
Do you want to get sober? Go Get It! It isn't going to come to you, I promise.

I was the Treatment Facilities Rep for my group for 2 years, and all of the prisoners used to ask me "How do I get in to AA?" Just go and get it. If you truly need to get sober, you'll go to ANY length to get it
CoopDiVille is offline  
Old 06-30-2011, 05:02 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
AA is the biggest but it's meeting is run on it's own. But the real question is are you really to change an if so then you need to research on which recovery program will work for you. If one does not work then try the next one and if trying. It's hard because your fighting yourself but it will be worth it when you feel good about yourself and you don't have to use alcohol to comp in life. If your going to fully do AA then you will need to do that steps meetings and find the right supporter. If AA does not work you can try SMART or SOS and even rehab if you need to.

Good luck with your sobriety and your always Welcome to SR!!
ACT10Npack is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:07 AM.