Adderall a personal crisis unfolding right now
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 10
Adderall a personal crisis unfolding right now
Here goes. I don't want to sound melodramatic or annoy you with my whiny addiction and drug abuse so I will attempt to try keep this brief since I am sure allot of people here get sick of crisis posts.
I am high on adderall right now after swearing it off. I must have flushed 5 separate prescriptions in the past month- but the various docs I visit in my city just refill my scripts. I simply show up in a suit looking put together and they swallow my bs and give me another script. My insurance keeps paying for the scripts even though I fill at least 6 different scripts of adderall at various dosages each month. I know I am solely responsible for this situation.
My abuse of drug follows the pattern of getting very high (80-100mg a day) - almost killing myself, flushing all my pills, crashing, and swearing the drug off for exactly week. Meanwhile going through most awful hopeless depression - feeling near suicidal even though I am very fearful of death. I have destroyed my new three month marriage, my body, and my mind. I sought help through AA and drug counseling, but in AA I couldn't identify with the crowd and the psychs just pass me along. I am trying to rationalize my addiction and abuse.
I am reaching out because I don't know where to find help. Right now I require something more then meetings. I am hoping somebody out there could direct me towards a more serious intervention then scheduling an appointment. I would greatly appreciate anybodies advice. I am going to leave out the dramatic statements, but right now I feel that my life depends on getting sober.
Thank you
I am high on adderall right now after swearing it off. I must have flushed 5 separate prescriptions in the past month- but the various docs I visit in my city just refill my scripts. I simply show up in a suit looking put together and they swallow my bs and give me another script. My insurance keeps paying for the scripts even though I fill at least 6 different scripts of adderall at various dosages each month. I know I am solely responsible for this situation.
My abuse of drug follows the pattern of getting very high (80-100mg a day) - almost killing myself, flushing all my pills, crashing, and swearing the drug off for exactly week. Meanwhile going through most awful hopeless depression - feeling near suicidal even though I am very fearful of death. I have destroyed my new three month marriage, my body, and my mind. I sought help through AA and drug counseling, but in AA I couldn't identify with the crowd and the psychs just pass me along. I am trying to rationalize my addiction and abuse.
I am reaching out because I don't know where to find help. Right now I require something more then meetings. I am hoping somebody out there could direct me towards a more serious intervention then scheduling an appointment. I would greatly appreciate anybodies advice. I am going to leave out the dramatic statements, but right now I feel that my life depends on getting sober.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,474
welcome to SR Bicycle,
I am sorry to hear of your situation. Have you considered an inpatient detox? There are links here on SR to help direct you to them. I am not in the states so have no suggestions...but I am sure others will p[ost after me wwith ideas and other help.
Great you are seeking help, but you must be prepared to put the work in.... I wish you all the best.
I am sorry to hear of your situation. Have you considered an inpatient detox? There are links here on SR to help direct you to them. I am not in the states so have no suggestions...but I am sure others will p[ost after me wwith ideas and other help.
Great you are seeking help, but you must be prepared to put the work in.... I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 409
Just wanted to say Welcome to SR and glad you posted. I don"t have much experience with Adderrall and so I'm sure someone else will be along soon who is better equippped that I. There is hope and you can beat this thing!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 10
Thanks for your response. Yes I have considered in patient detox, but I don't know how to initiate the process. I am also worried that an extended stay in a clinic will affect my employment. Perhaps I am being a little lazy and I should research these matters on my own.
As it stands right now I have been speeding all night, and I can't hope for a comedown for at least 8 hours. I am hoping I just make it over the hump today, and I can move on to some sort of meaningful recovery.
As it stands right now I have been speeding all night, and I can't hope for a comedown for at least 8 hours. I am hoping I just make it over the hump today, and I can move on to some sort of meaningful recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 10
For people aren't familiar with the drug - Adderall is basically a prescription version of amphetamine. It's highly addictive. I am not trying to make excuses for my behavior. I was just hoping somebody out there might have some advice on conquering this terrible drug. I read somewhere that amphetamines have something like a 90% rate of re-use (lack of a better term). That is much how I got in this mess - in the past I would only use once in a while. Somewhere down the line once every year turned into once every week.
I am concerned about losing my beautiful wife to my addiction. So far I have been lucky and she hasn't left me, but I can't expect that from her for much longer. I don't mean to whine.
I am concerned about losing my beautiful wife to my addiction. So far I have been lucky and she hasn't left me, but I can't expect that from her for much longer. I don't mean to whine.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi Bicycle,
A good place to start would be to call your town's crisis number, which you can Google on line. They are staffed with people who have all kinds of numbers, and you can be anonymous and ask who takes people with Adderall addiction.
The kind of appt you need is with a rehab place that specializes in Adderrall, because you are right about most people not being informed well about it. Including docs. It is a "student drug" commonly, because students love to study with it, feel superhuman and productive. Meanwhile, it eats away at your inner resilience, and disables you mentally.
You can't afford this drug on any level, and I think your life does depend on it. If your wife loves you, you can save your marriage by getting clean. You should NOT try to do this alone like you just did. A week clean is not anywhere near "recovered", if you ever are, and it is dangerous. This is not a drug to mess with.
Call the crisis line now, you don't have to say who you are. Another psych visit? I think rehab, which probably includes that anyway. You need medical help to kick this particular drug. Don't feel like a bad person, because the addictive nature of Adderall will make you do all kinds of crazy things.
Keep us posted, please.
FT
A good place to start would be to call your town's crisis number, which you can Google on line. They are staffed with people who have all kinds of numbers, and you can be anonymous and ask who takes people with Adderall addiction.
The kind of appt you need is with a rehab place that specializes in Adderrall, because you are right about most people not being informed well about it. Including docs. It is a "student drug" commonly, because students love to study with it, feel superhuman and productive. Meanwhile, it eats away at your inner resilience, and disables you mentally.
You can't afford this drug on any level, and I think your life does depend on it. If your wife loves you, you can save your marriage by getting clean. You should NOT try to do this alone like you just did. A week clean is not anywhere near "recovered", if you ever are, and it is dangerous. This is not a drug to mess with.
Call the crisis line now, you don't have to say who you are. Another psych visit? I think rehab, which probably includes that anyway. You need medical help to kick this particular drug. Don't feel like a bad person, because the addictive nature of Adderall will make you do all kinds of crazy things.
Keep us posted, please.
FT
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 689
Hi, I am one year clean from Adderall this month. I was addicted to it for almost three years and I was taking the doses you are taking. My dr. prescribed me 80mg a month. If I wanted more I took more. When I ran out early I couldn't even get out of bed.
All drugs are bad; but Adderall really does a job on your brain chemistry; it's REALLY bad. Even after 1 year, I have finger tics. I rub my thumb and ring finger together constantly. This is from messed up dopamine levels. My dr. said it may take years to go away. I am also tired very frequently and get the chills a lot. My p doc said this may also be from the Adderall.
I went for an echocardiogram a couple of months ago. There is a spot in the wall of my heart that is not functioning the way it should. It's a bit hard to explain. Taking Adderall at high doses will stress out your heart and can cause permanent damage. You can drop dead of a heart attack at any time. (I'm not saying these things to scare you; I just think its important you know).
At the end I wound up in detox. I had stimulant psychosis. They gave me a couple of doses of Haldol and I was out in a couple of days. I stayed clean but it was EXTREMELY hard. I relapsed 5 months later and wound up in the hospital AGAIN with stimulant psychosis. I almost lost my husband of 10 years and my 5 year old daughter. My husband was so fed up.
When I got out of detox the second time I decided I was going to make a big effort to stay clean. It worked. The cravings are REALLY, REALLY bad in the begining but they lesson over time, believe me. You can not give in to them. I had also lost my sister due to a heart attack. The heart attack was from years of abusing cocaine and crack. Cocaine has a lot of the same properties as Adderall.
If you have insurance I would suggest you get into detox-- let them safely get you off Adderall. Then it is all up to you. I never went to N/A or A/A. The thought of losing my husband, my daughter, and my life was what helped me stay clean.
You may want to get yourself into some kind of drug program if AA/NA doesn't work for you. You may also want to see a drug counselor, therapist. You have to totally reprogram your brain if you want to stay clean; and you may not be able to do it on your own.
I know how hard it is to get off of adderall; believe me. But you CAN do it. Before Adderall I had been hospitalized for Vicodin and Tramadol abuse. Getting off those drugs were 100% easier than getting off of adderall.
Keep posting here; let us know how you are doing.
All drugs are bad; but Adderall really does a job on your brain chemistry; it's REALLY bad. Even after 1 year, I have finger tics. I rub my thumb and ring finger together constantly. This is from messed up dopamine levels. My dr. said it may take years to go away. I am also tired very frequently and get the chills a lot. My p doc said this may also be from the Adderall.
I went for an echocardiogram a couple of months ago. There is a spot in the wall of my heart that is not functioning the way it should. It's a bit hard to explain. Taking Adderall at high doses will stress out your heart and can cause permanent damage. You can drop dead of a heart attack at any time. (I'm not saying these things to scare you; I just think its important you know).
At the end I wound up in detox. I had stimulant psychosis. They gave me a couple of doses of Haldol and I was out in a couple of days. I stayed clean but it was EXTREMELY hard. I relapsed 5 months later and wound up in the hospital AGAIN with stimulant psychosis. I almost lost my husband of 10 years and my 5 year old daughter. My husband was so fed up.
When I got out of detox the second time I decided I was going to make a big effort to stay clean. It worked. The cravings are REALLY, REALLY bad in the begining but they lesson over time, believe me. You can not give in to them. I had also lost my sister due to a heart attack. The heart attack was from years of abusing cocaine and crack. Cocaine has a lot of the same properties as Adderall.
If you have insurance I would suggest you get into detox-- let them safely get you off Adderall. Then it is all up to you. I never went to N/A or A/A. The thought of losing my husband, my daughter, and my life was what helped me stay clean.
You may want to get yourself into some kind of drug program if AA/NA doesn't work for you. You may also want to see a drug counselor, therapist. You have to totally reprogram your brain if you want to stay clean; and you may not be able to do it on your own.
I know how hard it is to get off of adderall; believe me. But you CAN do it. Before Adderall I had been hospitalized for Vicodin and Tramadol abuse. Getting off those drugs were 100% easier than getting off of adderall.
Keep posting here; let us know how you are doing.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi Bicycle-
You can't quit on your own, right?
I recommend checking yourself into a 28 day inpatient therapy facility.
Remove yourself from the problem, get the proper detox, and come out 28 days later ready for NA or AA.
You've only got so many days on this earth. Why waste them in this limbo of using, but not wanting to?
In my experience, bad things happen in this stage.
All the best.
Kjell~
You can't quit on your own, right?
I recommend checking yourself into a 28 day inpatient therapy facility.
Remove yourself from the problem, get the proper detox, and come out 28 days later ready for NA or AA.
You've only got so many days on this earth. Why waste them in this limbo of using, but not wanting to?
In my experience, bad things happen in this stage.
All the best.
Kjell~
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by Bicycle 
Right now I require something more then meetings.
Meetings probably won't help you. Getting into the steps... getting those first three done, now, with a sponsor or guide... that may help. Then keep moving through the steps... Sounds as though you are getting desperate enough to make it work.
Inpatient treatment may help, if only to seperate you from the pills for a month...
The emotional and psychological withdrawal from stimulants was very difficult for me... yes it was. But I am nearly 3 years off of the stimulants and life is good... It can be for you too... have faith in yourself, God.... whatever you can put your faith in, maybe just the process...
Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by Bicycle
I am also worried that an extended stay in a clinic will affect my employment.
Many insurance plans cover inpatient treatment, check your plan first. If thats not an option, contact your local mental health agency for a referral.
Good luck, Bicycle - you don't have to stay living this way, but you do have to make the choice to change and back it up with sincere effort.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: somewhere, tx
Posts: 128
Hi-
Sorry to hear your story but please don't feel like you can't spell out your crisis - we're all here to lend a verbal hand.
You wrote that you've gotten multiple scripts for Adderall and that's playing with fire b/c if you're paying for them w/ insurance, then you may get flagged as that's illegal (doctor-shopping).
The very best thing you can do now is heed the advice of the others - get help, call a crisis line, whatever it takes.
You haven't gotten caught by the law yet, but that may happen and the job you have can fly out the window.
Sorry to sound like doom and gloom, but the law is the law and the best protection you can have is to seek help.
Best of luck to you!
Sorry to hear your story but please don't feel like you can't spell out your crisis - we're all here to lend a verbal hand.
You wrote that you've gotten multiple scripts for Adderall and that's playing with fire b/c if you're paying for them w/ insurance, then you may get flagged as that's illegal (doctor-shopping).
The very best thing you can do now is heed the advice of the others - get help, call a crisis line, whatever it takes.
You haven't gotten caught by the law yet, but that may happen and the job you have can fly out the window.
Sorry to sound like doom and gloom, but the law is the law and the best protection you can have is to seek help.
Best of luck to you!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Take a look at our substance abuse forum. Lots of experience and good advice there.
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 10
Thanks for all the information. I spent the day washing out and dealing with these terrible but familiar feelings of nerve failure, heart palps, vague shortness of breath, and of course the feeling of complete hopelessness. It's funny how you can never seem to recall these feelings when you pursue the drug. They comedown is definitely equal in horrible as the high is in euphoria. If that makes sense. Anyways this is the first time I "reached out" and received helpful advice. I appreciate it.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Hi Bicycle. I hope the worst is over - I think it's great you found us and came here to talk. SR saw me through the worst of my withdrawal from alcohol, and I don't know if I'd have made it without the love and encouragement I found here.
Any time you want to whine or complain, that's our specialty. You are among people who understand what you're going through. I had no one in my life who understood, but when I came here I no longer felt alone. We're with you, and you can do this.
Any time you want to whine or complain, that's our specialty. You are among people who understand what you're going through. I had no one in my life who understood, but when I came here I no longer felt alone. We're with you, and you can do this.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 590
Hi Bicycle. I am glad you posted. Please follow through with the advice you've been given. It seems to me like you are right on the edge of taking the step you need to begin a better life. Please don't miss this opportunity. Act on it now. Sometimes these opporunties and stirrings in our soul are blessing and/or warnings. Look at it however you want but we never know how many more we might get. Please seek help. Clean and Sober Life Rocks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 10
Again thanks for your responses. OPM I am not concerned about getting caught doctor shopping even though that is precisely what I do. I had a (akward) conversation with my pharmacist today and he indicated that he could take some measures that wouldn't flag my name in a national database, but would indicate to the pharmacists not to fill the prescription in the future.
Perhaps this might come off as crass, but in a way I would like to be caught 'doctor shopping'. I feel that would be a severe roadblock when I seek pills. I have only started doctor shopping recently when I found out how easy it is to obtain controlled substances. Adderall is an intense drug- it's a combination of four powerful amphetamines- and should only be prescribed to people with ADHD, a relatively rare disorder. I find it amazing that so many physicians in my area write a new script without a second thought. Apparently that's the influence of wearing a suit with a National Geospatial Intelligence Agency I.D.
Lizrox. I am really sorry to here that you have permanent health problems as a result of adderall, and that your sister died needlessly. Although these problems persist for you I find your post to be inspiring. My situation is that I actually suffer from a pretty nasty anxiety disorder when I am feeling normal. Some of my abusive behaviors are a result of challenging my anxiety/panic. Kind of like challenging my body in the same way as I would when I go for a 30mi bike ride. It's hard to articulate I guess.
Mark, thanks for the posts man. Glad you are doing so well.
I realize that just speaking with my doctor and pharmacist about my abuse is not really tackling the problem. It is still keeping me isolated from true help and will probably enable me to use in the future. Right now I am trying to work up the courage to take the real steps. I have pretty good insurance so I going to look into inpatient treatment options. TBH right now it's just a matter of getting the courage to make the phone call.....Promises are easy, actions are a different
Perhaps this might come off as crass, but in a way I would like to be caught 'doctor shopping'. I feel that would be a severe roadblock when I seek pills. I have only started doctor shopping recently when I found out how easy it is to obtain controlled substances. Adderall is an intense drug- it's a combination of four powerful amphetamines- and should only be prescribed to people with ADHD, a relatively rare disorder. I find it amazing that so many physicians in my area write a new script without a second thought. Apparently that's the influence of wearing a suit with a National Geospatial Intelligence Agency I.D.
Lizrox. I am really sorry to here that you have permanent health problems as a result of adderall, and that your sister died needlessly. Although these problems persist for you I find your post to be inspiring. My situation is that I actually suffer from a pretty nasty anxiety disorder when I am feeling normal. Some of my abusive behaviors are a result of challenging my anxiety/panic. Kind of like challenging my body in the same way as I would when I go for a 30mi bike ride. It's hard to articulate I guess.
Mark, thanks for the posts man. Glad you are doing so well.
I realize that just speaking with my doctor and pharmacist about my abuse is not really tackling the problem. It is still keeping me isolated from true help and will probably enable me to use in the future. Right now I am trying to work up the courage to take the real steps. I have pretty good insurance so I going to look into inpatient treatment options. TBH right now it's just a matter of getting the courage to make the phone call.....Promises are easy, actions are a different
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Venus, Space
Posts: 757
Originally Posted by Bicycle
I realize that just speaking with my doctor and pharmacist about my abuse is not really tackling the problem. It is still keeping me isolated from true help and will probably enable me to use in the future. Right now I am trying to work up the courage to take the real steps. I have pretty good insurance so I going to look into inpatient treatment options. TBH right now it's just a matter of getting the courage to make the phone call.....Promises are easy, actions are a different
I know about adderall, I won't get into my history right now cuz it's late, but just because it's legal doesn't mean it's actually safer than street drugs. And the dosages you're talking about are not a joke. My brother is in in-patient right now because he's addicted and got caught up doctor shopping as you've described.
A moment of clarity and he used his insurance to get himself into treatment. Best thing about the whole situation, he's still alive today. I hope you ignore courage and pride and make the right decision. Your post is screaming that you want to stop but can't - getting caught doctor shopping won't end the addiction, it'll just push it to some other avenue of getting the fix. Sorry, bus that is my opinion from experience. I wish you the best and I hope you find something that will help you get sober.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Yea, mixing the adderall with Xanax, takes the edge off, huh?
It's a bad sign, when I did that I began to know it was time to get off the sh1t... That I was way past using it to concentrate or boost my energy or for whatever legitimate use I thought I had...
Time to quit doin this to yourself. Reach out for some face to face help. OK.
It's a bad sign, when I did that I began to know it was time to get off the sh1t... That I was way past using it to concentrate or boost my energy or for whatever legitimate use I thought I had...
Time to quit doin this to yourself. Reach out for some face to face help. OK.
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