MarylandRick

Hi all, obviously I am new here. I found the site yesterday while having tremendous guilt, anxiety and fear over my actions the last 2 weeks.

I'm 35 years old and I 'stopped' drinking cold turkey back in October. Over the course of the last 8 months I regained the confidence I once had, gained a new focus and drive at work, began eating and excercising again (lost 60lbs) and found hapiness once again in everything I do. My wife, children and family were so happy for me and I was feeling fantastic.

Two weeks ago my confidence was a little too high (or perhaps low) and I started sipping wine. Well, as you can all figure out that didn't work out so well for me. The first week I steadily increased consumption until we went away for Memorial day weekend with friends and my drinking took over. Luckily I didn't do anything terrible to embarrass or hurt myself. In fact, with the exception of my wife, no one we were with would have thought anything unusual about my behavior except I had a real beer in my hand instead of the N/A they had become accustom to seeing me with.

However, when Tuesday morning rolled around I once again had that way too familiar feeling.....restless nights, sweats, anxiety and all I could think about was one thing.....getting alcohol. I felt so crummy I extended my 'vacation' one more day to recover.

So, here I sit back at the beginning (Day 2) but more sure than ever that I have a problem I can't control.

I think I'll be visiting here quite a bit.....just reading the stories has helped me get through 2 crummy days. I'm feeling good again today and know tomorrow will be better.

Just felt like sharing.

Opivotal

Once you admit in the core of your being that you can't drink under ANY circumstances you will never have a need to recover or suffer guilt again. Are you using any form of support? AA, Smart, or counseling? Thank you for sharing.


Best Wishes To You!

MarylandRick

Not to this point I have not. I'm not opposed to it though, reason I am here.

billsaintjames

Congrats on getting back on the horse.

MarylandRick

I am certain the past two weeks have shown me that. This may sound odd but is it possible the relapse could help me in the long run?

recoverywfaith

laurie6781

Maybe, maybe not.

For many of us we have found that JUST Stopping Drinking was not enough. Seems the 'alcohol' was just a symptom of some much deeper things that needed fixing on each of us.; Changing our ways, changing the way we thing, act and react, etc

Any number of programs like those mentioned above can help with this. For several reason, we come face to face with others who have been where we are and share their Experience, Strength and Hope, and some become a 'friend' and/or a 'phone number' to call when that old 'stinkin thinkin' starts rearing up its ugly head. I call it King Alcohol and I was his slave, and King Alcohol does not like it when a slave 'breaks' free and tries to lure us/me back.

So, start reading, the 'stickys' at the top of this forum, the top of the Alcoholism forum and the top of the Alcoholism 12 Step Forum (AA).

Ask questions. Maybe try some AA meetings, at least 6 different ones to see where you feel like you might 'fit'. I know there are TONS of meetings in your area:

MARYLAND AA MEETINGS Help for Drinking Alcoholic Drug Addiction Treatment and Recovery in MARYLAND AA

Alcoholics Anonymous
Place page
169 Duke of Gloucester Street
Annapolis, MD 21401-2518
(410) 268-5441

Annapolis Area Intergroup, Inc.

Maryland AA • Alcoholics Anonymous • MD

I hope the above gives you a start.

Love and hugs,

MarylandRick

Thanks for the information and the links. I did go to 1 meeting back in October. I decided I could go it alone and I really got into a health and fitness kick, hoping that would be enough. It seems after my relapse I need more. I didn't think AA was for me but I also realize 1 meeting is not a good sample.

My uncle is part of the AA program, he knows I am having my own struggles with alcohol but we have not actually spoken about it. I'll start there and here with you guys.

1undone

Glad you found us! I'm a newbie to sobriety so it's very interesting reading about your situation. Thank you for sharing! And of course WELCOME!

MarylandRick

Thanks. I'm glad to be here. The last 8 months have really been incredible. It is amazing how quickly I felt crappy again after relapsing, and not just physically.

Missy7

I wanted to address your question about whether the relapse might help in the long run.

I'm a newbie. I never considered stopping drinking before April 10. I stopped for two weeks then relapsed, then went through a relapse quit cycle that was pretty rapid. But I do think that the relapses confirmed my suspicions about my alcoholism. I think it was most strongly confirmed last relapse when I ordered a drink and told my husband (it was not a plan, it was an observation) that I was going to drink until I blacked out that night.

Sure 'nuf. It's a learning process. I was identifying how my mood meets alcohol, and I knew it.

This reminds me of your line about starting to "sip" wine. Yep. One sip and it's in the toilet.

But after my last relapse, the one I saw coming at me like a freight train, I just spent last evening with my husband in his once a week karaoke session. I had two tomato juices and a diet pepsi. I knew the whole time that relapse was possible--I even knew that I could have had a single glass of wine and made it out whole, but I didn't really want to.

So, in my case, I've known about the freight train, but it's been helpful to me to map it.

Also, this is not a short term thing and there will be bumps on the road. Sounds like you handled your particular bump pretty well.

I hope your wife isn't too disappointed.

yeahgr8

Good that you are thinking about doing things different this time and maybe realise that stopping drinking is not enough...you can stop this ride right now by getting face to face help...personally i kept it going for about 10 years with these periods of abstinence (after the first 10 years which makes 20!) on and off, it got worse and in the end 6 months of going down the gym, eating properly, doing well at work, the family telling me how great i was doing was not an option, i couldn't even get a couple of days together in the end...then i went to AA and worked their program by finding someone, maybe like your Uncle, who had been sober for 20 years and asked them, well begged lol, to show me how to do the same...good luck:-)

The relapse will only help you if it has shocked you enough to consider something you wouldn't have before, i.e. admittinf the need for a program of recovery rather than winging it...

Zebra1275

Welcome to SR. In your relapse it seems like you might have learned a couple of things.

1. It's really difficult to just stop drinking on your own. I tried that several times and once had a period of over 5 years of sobriety. However, I got complacent after all that time and thought I could drink like a normal person. That didn't work.

2. Alcoholism is progressive. When you pick it up again you are quickly right back to where you were before with regard to consumption and effects.

MarylandRick

I don't think my wife is disappointed but she is definitely concerned. She does drink but doesn't have a problem. She has been very supportive and I hate to say she enables me because she has said she would stop drinking as well. I don't want that though. I want everyone around me to do what they want. I hate the thought of family & friends tip toeing around the drinking issue....if they want a drink I want them to have one.

In fact, I find the social drinking occasions, whether it be a bar or social gathering to be easy because I am not bored. If I am in a bar drinking an O'Douls or club soda I am okay. It is when I get bored that I think about a drink.....weather is also a big trigger for me. Every change of season was very difficult. Complacency was what finally bit me.

Mcribb

I am glad you shared, I had some time sober without a program. I found that I would deal with problems and take action and that seemed to work, but I had no where to turn too when I really was craving. Good luck, I think the 6 months was great, for me the guilt and the stress wasn't about the drinking it was about years of trash that had gathered in my brain and in my life. It wasn't serious trash, but it was enough stuff that kept me drinking. Lots of ex-girlfriends, lots of people that I felt I deserved their money and fame, etc. Good luck!

holdfold

I was similar and had stopped for 9 months and a business trip to Las Vegas shot that down ... I got sober by myself and SR, and I became more interested in Eastern Philosophies which teach a secular way of thinking but do leave a spiritual thumbprint. After the relapse I realized the you can only be a dry drunk so long and, for me , I had to work on my head ....

Anna

I'm glad you found us and you will find lots of support here.

I'm someone who believes that O'douls and NA wine are bad. It's not just that they contain alcohol, because they do, but, I found the routine of opening the wine bottle was creepy for me. I tried it once and knew it wasn't a good idea.

bcboy

Hi Rick

Welcome to the family!

I know where you are coming from when you speak about the false confidence in which you convince yourself that "hey maybe I am not that bad off and can moderate my drinking". This voice in your head will convince you that its all good and this time will be different.

To fight these moments you have to step back to 8 months ago when you first decided that you wanted to stop drinking. Feel that moment when you knew that life had become a mess and you wanted to take control back of your own life and not let the bottle dictate when, where and what you will do.

Like so many people have said in the past. Play the song to the end.

When you do this you can be better prepared to fight the urges to drink.

Keep on eating healthy and getting lots of exercise and stick with us your new non drinking family.

Cheers!

MarylandRick

I understand why for some it may not be a good idea. It seemed to be working for me but then again the reason I am here today was a relapse. As another suggested, maybe I am a dry drunk.

Even as I type this I see where this conversation may lead too. I haven't really made any huge modifications in my life with the exception of health, fitness and no alcohol. Nothing emotional or spiritual. Nor did my social life change much other than I stopped drinking alcohol.

I actually really enjoy 1 or 2 Becks N/A. Why do I enjoy it? Is it because I like it or because it reminds me of drinking and makes me feel normal (an alcoholics perception of normal)?

I am not sure, probably both.

EmeraldRose

Welcome Rick.
Sorry about the relapse. Personally, I think that relapsing is due to not getting to the root of the problem. We go through our days just not drinking...we get comfortable, or as you said -confident. That confidence & complacency can lead us right back to where we started. The relapse isn't just the drinking -it is the whole head game aspect of it that starts swirling in your mind like a tornado before you even take that first drink.
At 4 months sober I'm at a place where I know what leads me to drink or keeps me drinking. Now I just have to watch the warning signs and keep working my program and thoughts to stay on that straight and narrow.
Glad you are trying again...keep going.

PS. And I would stay away form NA beers all together. Why play with fire? I just wouldn't take that risk.
With all the other gazillion types of drinks out there, there has to be something else we can drink.