Marria

Thats really helpful SSIL75. I'm going to keep those images in my head: the sunny day, the winter storm, the background music, the skirt and jeans. When you put it as simply and clearly as that I just smile and nod my head in agreement!
When I sit in the sun with my glass in hand, however it may seem to others, I know its not my background music but very much centre stage.

Marria

Thanks Hollyanne. That makes alot of sense. I like the idea of reading a book with ice tea!

The idea of silence being an ally to abuse is so true. I've dropped a few hints to friends about having gone off alcohol but haven't said anymore than that.
As I get used to being sober again and more confident about this change in myself I'm sure I will think far less about how others will react.
Your post has been really helpful, especially as I start out again on this road to recovery...

OklaBH

Marria- I have relapsed a few times. Thankfully it wasnt a full blown 3 or 4 day binge like I used to do. Each time was wine or beer on a Saturday. Each time was "i will have a couple" "everyone else is drinking why cant I" Each time (guess Im a slow learner) I would spend the 3 days after in total panic, depressed, and in total anguish over what i had done. Denial is a big part of ANY disease. Acceptance is another part. Ive FINALLY accepted that I can not drink. Are you ready to accept that? I promise if you accept it, life is much simpler. Its one less thing to think about! LOL

Marria

Denial can be so subtle, it crept up on me.

I'm trying to reach acceptance. Real, genuine, heartfelt acceptance that not drinking is essential for me. I want to live a full life where I can truly be myself without the crutch of drink holding me up while at the same time the burden of drinking pushes me down...

Acceptance is causing me pain at the moment but I think thats unavoidable for me if it is to mean lasting change. Its letting go and fear of the unknown.
The many everyday successes I read about here give me great hope and strength that I can do it too!

Lipitor

This post , is an inspiration, twenty years ....

With much respect , thank you

L

OklaBH

Acceptance is the kicker for me to. Ive drank 4 times since January 3rd. First off..thats a big deal for me. I used to drink everyday. So, i find "some" positive in that. however the 4 times I drank ended the same way everytime. My denial took me back to trying it "one more time" I heard a great expression..."Play the tape to the end" When you are going to take that drink make a list of what you KNOW will happen. Regret, anger, depression, anxiety, hungover, anguish, embarassment. For me its sooooo much easier to not tilt that bottle. I am learning to live with that everyday. One day at a time.

keithj

In one of your previous posts, Marria, you already said moderation doesn't work for you. I'd guess your brain is lying at this point, telling you things are OK when you know deep down they are not.

There is nothing about accepting Step 1 that will keep an alcoholic from drinking. Step 1 is all about knowing I will drink again and there is nothing I can do about it. Step 1 is the problem.

The other 11 Steps offer a solution.

DayTrader

Marria..... I think you're mixing up "the first step in recovery" with the "first step in AA" (both of which appear in the Alcoholics Anonymous book).

The first step in recovery is conceding to our innermost selves that we're alcoholic. Until I see/understand that I have a problem, I'm not going to do anything about it.

ie, I don't see that I have a problem with gambling: I don't bet on sports, I'm not a big casino person, I could care less if I could never place a bet the rest of my life. As such.....I can't concede to my innermost self that I'm addicted to gambling.........and......because I don't think I have a problem with it I don't do anything to "recover from it."

Where drinking was concerned, I first needed to learn what it REALLY meant to be alcoholic and to suffer from alcoholism. Turns out that most of the things I believed made someone alcoholic (how much they drank, how often they drank, and what they did while drunk) had nothing to do with whether one has alcoholism or not.

Once I figured out what it was.....I had to decide if I had it or not..... Once I realized I "had it" then I'm in a position to make a decision to do something about it or not.

......it's a reeeeeeally simple concept - but one that I made into this big complicated thing - unnecessarily.

1. find out if you've got a problem
2. if you find you do (concede to your innermost self) then you can decide to do something about it.
3. start doing something about it by taking the first step: admitting (if you're the type of alkie that I am) that you can't keep from drinking / once you start you can't control how much you drink (that covers the first half of Step 1).

......hope that helps

Womble

My ear infection got substantially worse, to the point where i was admitted to hospital and stayed 6 days after having my head opened up and poisonous fluid removed, I still have a tube coming out from behind my ear to get rid of any excess. The expeience was awful, and I have to wonder if the fact that I drank for the first month that I was on anti-biotics made things worse? Now I have constant "white noise" in my head that is driving me mad. I have to go back to hospital every other day as the doc is still very concerned and does not understand why I am not improving.

The "upside" is that I have not had a drink in 11 days, I have no desire right now.

I just have to wonder about the HP thing.....I was completely ruining my body with booze then I get this and manage to stay sober, without too much effort, the irony also is that just an hour before I went to hospital and got admitted I attended an aa meeting. wow, I said NEVER AGAIN. Now although I feel like sh*t and can't drive my wife is gonna take me to one in a few hours, and again therewere freinds in aa who really never let go of me, but never told me what to do, but they are seem so happy to have me back...I am filled with awe, I know I have to do aa, one day I will get better then I will have no defence against the first drink, and now I have to belive that some mysterious force sent me this problem to save my life, I don't know what it is, but its good enough for me right now.

The most I managed in the last 8 months was 3 consecutive days, and they wee terrible.
I am powerless over 4pm and a freind of mine said that because I spend so much time fantasing about 4pm and my time to drink....this was "capturing my thoughts" for way to long. I love that phrase, its so true, I spend so much time thinking about drinking that I am wasting what could be productive time just "craving:

Anyway thats my story right now and I wanted to share it with you

WOMBLE

Dee74

I'm sorry to hear you've been ill, but welcome back Womble.
It's good to hear you're doing well in your recovery

D

sarah1414

Hi Marria, I'm glad you're back.

We are on a very similar journey. It took me quite a few tries before I was really ready to let go of the wine. I'm only around 3 weeks now but at this point, the wine has no attraction for me.

I hope you can do whatever will provide you with peace and serenity in your life.

newstart75

I so relate to this thinking! This is exactly the type of thought process I go through each time I try to moderate. It is draining. Marria I hope you find acceptance and support here to keep up your sobriety.

nodl5

i've drank for 33 years. i've quit so many times i couldn't count. i've drank normally, not so much and then gotten really really drunk. thing is, i was able to drink a lot.

But i have quit again and i am only on day 6. i am very focused and am fed up with drinking, no matter how little i can drink - i just don't want it. i want to be free! if that takes being different, then so be it! i have found people that are not that much different than me and i think you are one of them.