AllLiesAndJest

Hi Folks. This is my first ever post on any forum. Very glad to have found a group of people with whom I can share some confidential thoughts.
I have come to the conclusion that I am an alcoholic.
Reading through various posts, I'm probably best described as a 'functioning alcoholic' in that I am still holding down my job as a teacher and have a happy marriage. My wife occasionally remarks about my drinking, but only in relation to concerns for my longer term health. Our relationship appears still to be fine and we've been married for 26 years. I get up in the morning and go to work without problems. I've never been in trouble legally, dui, etc.
I would like to offer various reasons or explanations for my drinking habits, but there are no obvious ones. I consume a bottle of wine each night, every night and the only reason I can identify for this is that I like feeling inebriated/ intoxicated/ pee'd.
The pattern is probably a classic one, if such exists. Moderate beer-drinking from my mid-to-late teens (I'm a Brit) until my middle years. Increasing (relative) wealth and "sophistication" (Ha!) leading to a shift from beer to good quality wine. Now exclusively wine.
Possibly relevant factors:
Empty nesting now, so no longer have a direct nurturing role and I miss my kids; have very few non-work activities or hobbies; very few direct friends - most (read: 'all') non-work contacts and friendships are those of my wife; no siblings or close relatives now; work is routine and has lost its challenge, but I still have a large mortgage to pay off; number two son has been a serious concern for last 10 years - wacky-baccie wrecked his high school work ethic, and his young adult work record so far has been poor to say the least; part of me says: everyone has to die of something, and what's the point of it all anyway: "life's cr*p and then you die!".
I've been on anti-depressants for about three years, but now weaning myself off by titrating the dose downwards of my own volition. Stopping the drinking seems like a sensible thing to do too. But it's tough!
Reading this back looks like I'm just looking for tea and sympathy. Actually, I don't think that's so. So what am I hoping for in writing this post? Good question! I think my main hope is that those who've managed to stay off alcohol for months and years will be able to offer me some tips please. I have tried on a couple of occasions before, but struggle to get beyond one month.
Sorry this is rather long-winded. Comments very welcome please. Thanks for reading.

californiapoppy

Sounds familiar to me. You'll get lots of good tips here. Do what works for you. I keep coming back because I'm forgetful, I need read and reread all the good tips.

Veritas1

Hello and welcome.

I could identify with drinking for the effect, and with trying to stop and being unable to.

The AA program helps me. Maybe you might be interested?

AllLiesAndJest

Hi Veritas1. Thanks for your comment. I am seriously considering AA. My main concern is going to a meeting and finding someone I know there. Also, I don't want my wife to know that I have now accepted the label 'alcoholic' rather than 'just enjoys his wine'.

Dee74

Hi AllLiesAndJest

welcome

The support I found here really helped me to break the cycle I was in
You'll find a lot of support here too.

I'm not in AA but I'm reliably informed it's called Alcoholics Anonymous for a reason.
If you meet anyone there they'll be there for the same reason as you...

If it's really a big deal I know folks here who go to meetings a few towns over.

D

Zebra1275

Welcome! If I don't say it, someone will shortly. Do you have a plan? Will power and good intentions alone are probably not sufficient to break a years long habit. I see some similiarities between your situation and mine, I finally gave up and joined AA.

I have met a few people I know in AA and it's not a big deal, they are there for the same reason as me. At AA I introduce myself as an alcoholic, as that's the custom, but it's the only time I use that term with myself.

ProfessorFudger

Welcome, sounds almost similar to myself a fears ago, from my perspective drinking doesn't just hit you, it slowly creeps behind you like a lion hunting it's prey, and without warning you will be eaten alive. The liver is like a battery it works fine and keeps on lickin, even when there is not a lot of juice left, it will still power away, but as we all know like all batteries they soon give up, and there are only so many times you can shake it, sooner or later you are going to need to re-charge them, so they can function fully again.

Each person is different, and it may well be you are missing something in your life, and seeking any advice is better than doing nothing. Only in my personal experience I have found a lot of people have underlying physcologic issues, which the alcohol then fuels as it did with me. Having a chat with a councillor or therapist couldn't harm you, nor would having a chin wag about your issues with your GP. Get the ball rolling and do something, then at least you will have options. These forums though are a god send, and will massively help anyone through any form of recovery.

Doodledog

Hello and welcome to the forum. I can tell you that I, too, avoided AA because I didn't want my husband to find out and I also was worried that I'd look even more like a loser if I couldn't stop drinking. But after years of trying to quit/moderate on my own, I realized one morning that I was so sick and tired of fighting the battle in my mind that I gave up, went to the doctor and 'fessed up and then went to AA. At that point, I didn't really care what people thought, I just couldn't stand it any longer. I was like you, too, in that I seemed to have everything all together.

There's nothing wrong with looking into different programs to see what might work for you. Pick something, though, and give it a try. I can tell you that life is so much better without the wine. You'll be amazed.

ddog

Mark75

Married 26 years.... check
Empty Nest... 2 of 4 grown and transitioning out of the house... check
Functioning while active ... more or less .... check
A little more than 2 1/2 years sober.

All I have to say is that recovery is not just putting the cup down... It's an inside job... You've got work to do... I use the program of AA... It's a very meaningful journey and I've found that it has given me new purpose and meaning in life... It's good.

Welcome to SR.

AllLiesAndJest

Many thanks to Dee74, Zebra1275 and ProfFudger. It's good to be in dialogue with people who understand in a way that most folk probaly don't. I am certainly going to find an AA meeting, but it wil be away from my immediate patch - can't afford to run into a parent of one of my students: the career risks are too great. Intended confidentiality is a worthy aim, but a minor and unintended slip-of-the-tongue would be catatrophic.
As for a 'plan' - I guess my plan is to mark the calendar with my start date (two days ago) and pat myself on the back every 7 days that I remain on the wagon thereafter. I have been strong-willed in many areas of my life, like postponing income in favour of education, keeping my weight in check, fidelity in marriage (chance would be a fine thing - Ha!!), etc, etc. Ironically, I'm also a vegetarian and try to maintain a healthy diet. But I do realise that this is a very different scenario. I have explored a local authority funded D&A counselling service, but the 'counsellor' was a student (undergrad) social services person who freely volunteered that this was not her area of expertise. I may need to explore the possibility of private counselling. What else constitutes a plan - other than not consuming alcohol? Thanks again for any comments or tips. Shared experiences are also very helpful, as I'm discovering.

Mark75

I work with the public too and occasionally run into someone I know at AA... not as often as one would think... And they are there for the same reason I am...

How about getting the book.... "Alcoholics Anonymous" and giving it a read... you can find them at meetings, , but also at major bookstores and online.... you can read it in the privacy of your own home... and if the program, the method, appeals to you, you can check out the fellowship, ie, meetings...

Keep coming back!

AllLiesAndJest

Thanks also to DoodleDog and Mark75. I'm genuinely moved by the comments and support, and the sense that others have struggled with similar issues - not just the booze but also the whole piece about life's challenges and dilemmas. Sincere thanks.

FreeDance

I really relate to your story!

I loooove good wine, and I loooove feeling inebriated!! But I don't love hangovers, guilt, fatigue, stresses with my husband, shame, embarrassment, etc...

I'm only six days sober. I've stayed away from it much longer, but this one feels better, although more complicated and difficult in a way -- I think because I'm really grappling with it rather than just avoiding the bottle.

I am a teacher too, and had the same worries. I've been to three meetings and so far, haven't run into anyone I know. But I can tell you that in my experience, people are very welcoming and warm. I'm getting a little less worried about it, although I'm sure we all know an alcoholic without knowing that we do.

Someone else mentioned getting the AA book -- I recommend that, too. It helps me just to stay in touch with the ideas of sobriety, somehow. And I really like reading other people's stories at this point.

I am already feeling physically healthier. As I said, it's never far from my mind, but my goal is at least to have the freedom from thinking about alcohol so much -- like when I'm going to drink next, and sort of timing other things around that.

Does your wife also drink wine? My husband does (without problems) so we have a lot of it around. It is a temptation, but I'm doing okay with it.

Hang in there!! Give it a good try and see how you feel.

topspin

Welcome to SR All lies and jest,

Can really relate to where you are. This pretty well describes how I used to think of life , drinking ;

.. part of me says: everyone has to die of something, and what's the point of it all anyway: "life's cr*p and then you die!".

I really believe , now, that alcohol became more and more a liquid depressant, and like you, ...it began to work on me, eventually just kicking my butt.

The support and *connectiveness* I've experienced here at SR this past year has helped beyond description. It keeps the whole "recovery" concept both fresh and active.

I occasionally go to F2F meetings, ....for a variety of reasons. They seem dynamic ; for one.

There's a few of us over on the (very active) fitness thread that weave various forms of physical activity into our whole mind/body recovery program.

However you get there,personal recovery "is an inside job" ....like Mark 75 mentioned.

It's almost a oxymoron that "not doing something" (drinking) takes a lot of "doing something" (active recovery program,) ...especially early on.


Great folks here at SR, ....Again, Welcome; and hope to see you around. Keep us updated on how things are going !?!

ProfessorFudger

Got to disagree fully there, I self referred myself, eg admitting a problem, and as you are in the public sector like me, you will get far more support than you think. If work find out you have a problem, they can pin ANY lapse in concentration by you on that. However if you self refer, you will be covered by their policy provided you follow all steps within it, this in itself acts as motivational tool. Through self referral, I have seen therapists, been admitted as an inpatient for a week to be professionally looked after while in detox, and I had continued aftercare via support groups and occupational health. I also had 3 months full pay in doing this.

I would advise looking at your policy or just google the following "teacher alcohol policy" and look at the first one, it is very similar to ours.

Zencat

When I first started my recovery, private counseling with a knowledgeable therapist that understood addiction gave me a good start on recovery. The best part about seeing a counselor is the confidentiality. I had things to work on that I didn't want the world to know.

AllLiesAndJest

I'm not sure what the protocol is here in terms of thanking folk for their contributions, but I'm very grateful for all the comments. Regarding FreeDance's Qn about wife's habits - yes, she enjoys the occasional (small) glass of wine, so it's in the house. But I'm cool with that. Topspin: what is F2F? I'm afraid to say that I've not heard of it, but had a little giggle inventing what it might stand for (I have a smutty sense of humour!). I'm based in the UK (hence the British spelling) but does F2F exist over here? Thanks for the detailed comments from ProfFudger. I have no reason to doubt your sage advice and highly relevant experience. I guess my main concerns here are two-fold: firstly, I have a very poor relationship with the Head; he's an evil and vindictive b****** (he speaks well of me also - Ha!) and I fear he would use this info to destroy my career; secondly, an important part of my role is in counselling students who demonstrate aggressive / disruptive behaviour, so any public leakage in terms of my own challenges would seriously undermine my professional credibility. I still happen to believe that I do a good job, but the world sometime judges on different criteria. Thanks to all for your comments and suggestions.

AllLiesAndJest

Hi Zencat. I'm increasingly inclined to the idea of finding a private counsellor, in addition to AA - assuming that the approaches are not going to be in conflict? There must be good D&A consellors around. I'd ask for your advice on this, but the UK environment is probably quite different. Think I'll start exploring whether or not there are formal qualifications or professional associations I need to look for, and go from there.

californiapoppy

F2F is face to face. I have problems with all those abbreviations too!

ProfessorFudger

You would be protected by the policy, I was the same.

5 PROCEDURES
5.1 Voluntary Referral
5.1.1 Where a teacher acknowledges that he/she has a problem with alcohol
or drugs he/she may approach the principal for advice. Where a
teacher does not wish to approach the Principal, he/she may approach
the Vice Principal, or other senior member of staff, or a colleague
nominated to deal with staff welfare issues, or make direct contact
with the (Employing Authority’s) Staff Welfare Officer. The teacher
should be given encouragement and support and advised of the
options available.

5.1.3 Suggested options for support may include:
�� Approaching the (Employing Authority’s) Staff Welfare Officer
for advice;
�� Confidential counselling through Staffcare;
�� Directing the teacher to seek treatment from his/her G.P;
�� Seeking assessment through a specialist agency e.g. NICAS;
�� Seeking an appointment with the (Employing Authority’s)
Occupational Health Specialist, through the Human Resources
Branch.

5.2.4 Where the teacher acknowledges the problem, advice on options for
support, as detailed under voluntary referral, should apply (paragraph 5.1.3
refers).

5.4.4 A teacher returning to work may need ongoing support and treatment, for example, ongoing counselling sessions, prescribed medication which i
dispensed daily from a local pharmacy etc. The teacher should attempt to
arrange appointments outside school hours, or, if not possible, his/her
absence from work should be only the minimum time required for the
appointment. The school should attempt to provide the flexibility within the
teacher’s timetable to accommodate such absences.

5.4.5 The teacher will be monitored on his/her return to work and if there is a
relapse the Principal, with the advice of the (Employing Authority’s)
Welfare Officer, will consider the new situation on its merits and a further
opportunity to seek and cooperate with help may be offered.

5.4.6 Where a teacher persistently:
�� refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem affecting work;
�� refuses the opportunity to receive help; or
�� discontinues a course of treatment with no legitimate reason, and
the problem continues;
the matter will be referred to the Disciplinary Procedure.