littlefish

You don't have to worry about being outed by another AA er. If they out you, they out them self. It is checkmate.
"Oh, I saw so and so at a meeting"
"Yeah, well...what were you doing there?"
It is really rather perfect....

Zebra1275

You asked in an earlier post about what constitutes a "plan" when you are trying to stay sober. For me that involves a lot of things, I use the analogy of having a lot of tools in the toolbox, and sometimes I need a really specific tool for the job.

The core part of my plan involves AA. I tried sobriety without AA and once had 5 years of sobriety. However I didn't have many tools to stay sober when life got rough. And once I relapsed, I kept relapsing every few weeks or so, so I got desperate enough to try AA. In addition to AA other aspects of my plan include SR, exercise, and a couple of other new hobbies. I found my drinking caused me to be isolated from others so now I try to reach out to others much more.

As far as the anonymous part of AA, I share your concern there. I have a high profile job, and although I wouldn't lose my job if people found out I went to AA, I would be a bit embarrassed. However, there is a part of me that doesn't give a rip if people know I'm in AA. I'm actively doing something about a problem area in my life. I'm over 50. It's been my observation that it is rare to reach my age and not have some baggage in your life. If you don't have baggage you haven't traveled.

I loved your line fidelity in marriage (chance would be a fine thing - Ha!!), made me laugh.

EmeraldRose

Welcome AllLies...I, too, had lived my past 30 or so years around alcohol -putting it down for a month or two...a year...always resuming my love.
You are at a point in your life where you are thinking seriously about the quality of your life. Sooner or later it does catch up to us...we are forced to stop and think. You are lucky nothing happened -YET. It didn't for me either, no DUI's, no accidents, etc...until I lost my job. So right now you are just taking the luck of the draw.
As for AA, I have found solace in its mission. It is there for me to catch me. For some reason I was not nervous my first time. I wasn't thinking about the others that had to go or what their story was. I was there for me and only me. Sure, I saw people I knew. But now we all know the secret handshake. Its a different relationship.
I can understand your standing in society so that decision will have to come from you and your desparation. Hopefully, you can make a rational decision and it doesn't have to be inducted by the courts. The Principal in our school has gotten 3 DUI's and eluded jail time this year. So this disease can take hold of any soul and you are no match for it alone.
I think that part of quitting isn't just stopping...you will have a different mindset and merely stopping will resume. It has to come from within your heart to be able to try your best. You can't be on the fence. If you have made it a month or so you certainly can make it 5 weeks, 6 weeks, etc. I am on the high end of 80 days now and know this is my lifelong quest to continue. No turning back, no do-overs. This is it.
I have a wonderful new life of sobriety, new thoughts, new missions, a new chance at the life that was given me.

AllLiesAndJest

Hi ProfFudger. Thank you for your detailed post, and for taking the time and trouble to provide all the details. I have read through your post carefully and it all makes good sense. The support and safeguards are clearly defined, and I would expect and hope that very similar protections and procedures would apply to my employment situation. I will give this some very serious consideration, but I'm still slightly cautious about this formal route. Legislation works up to a point, but the unscrupulous can find ways around such barriers. Like ageism and racism in recruitment practice - 'correct procedures' can be demonstrated, while illegal practices often prevail under the surface. I don't mean to sound cynical, but I'm afraid that has been my experience.
Thanks also to Littlefish, Zebra1275 and EmeraldRose.
But gosh, the thought that this challenge might still be a open manhole (sorry if that's non-PC) still waiting to fall into after 5 years sobriety is scary stuff.
Having re-read all the posts, I think my chosen route will be a combination of private counselling and AA (the latter at a distance from home, if only as a starting point).
Thanks folks. .... now to face evening three!

Anna

Good for you for facing your addiction and dealing with it.

This is a good place to come for support because we do understand how hard (and confusing) it can be.

Zebra1275

AA meetings a good distance from home is a great idea, a lot of us think that way at first. When I was looking at meetings initially they were 30 miles from home in the opposite direction from work.

Human nature is a funny thing. I've been going to AA for a year now and I go to the meetings that are close to home. Now my time is more important than any threat to my anonymity.

artsoul

Welcome AllLiesandJest - Glad to hear you're getting sober. I was mainly a wine-drinker, too, and it does catch up with you. It also keeps the anti-depressants from working like they should.

I love the mornings now (no anxiety, headaches, or feeling ill), and see everything in a much more positive light. This forum is my anchor - it helps to come here every day and remind myself that sobriety is #1...... Hope you have a good day tomorrow.

Zencat

I think there may be a conflict between a counseling modality of using *CBT to overcome life's difficulty's and AA. With the psychoanalysis mode of therapy, I believe there would be less conflict. Personality I was in desperate need of understanding and working on issues that, in no way on earth was I going talk about in an AA meeting. So for me, whatever conflict there might be between counseling and AA, I just would overlook it.

*CBT is a therapy method that dose not use higher powers to bring about deep and lasting cognitive/behavioral changes.

Mark75

Where I was in treatment... There was heavy emphasis on CBT ... Workshops, role playing, assignments ... As well as heavy emphasis on AA ... BB study, Daily AA meetings, 10th step meetings, community AA ... There didn't seem to be too much conflict ...

I vastly preferred the 12 step approach, but the CBT seemed to have an important and helpful place in their overall program.

I could even say that CBT often supported 12 step work... In the whole mindfulness approach... Seeing my part in things...

Veritas1

I can also identify with worrying about what another person thinks of me. If I see someone I know at an AA meeting they are most likely there for the same reason as I. A problem with drinking.

There may be fear over gossip. I understand this.

At some point I have to value my health and life more than what anyone else could possibly do to harm me.

I was harming myself worse than anyone could have harmed me.

With regard to your wife, and the admittance of the label alcoholic, by the action of attending an AA meeting...

You could just be honest. I am sure she would understand.

Explain that you are interested in finding out about the AA program to help you. Explain what you have come to realize about yourself and the amount of alcohol you consume.

Explain you have a desire to stop drinking, and to change your life for the better.

I cannot imagine someone that loves you would discourage that. I think we must give them the opportunity to help us.

Being honest and open and having good communication would be most helpful I believe.

It's a wonderful thing to see your problem as it really is, and to have the desire to change. It's not a bad thing.

What would be a bad thing is to realize it is a problem, and then do nothing about it.

I am proud of what you are doing.

There are many people that have been right where you are. This is a disease of isolationism.

There is no unity in being different. We all have a common problem.

Why deny ourselves the opportunity to go and be in fellowship with others that have found a way out of the need to drink.

There is a set aside prayer...

God please help me to set aside everything I think I know, about AA, the program, the steps, alcoholism, and you God, so that I might have a new experience, and see the truth.

Sorry, from memory...may not be exact.

Basically what this prayer is asking us is to set aside anything our mind is telling us is a reason why we can't do something...because....

These are false beliefs in our minds...based on fears.

We ask God to remove our fear, and pray for knowledge of his will for us, and the power to carry that out.

The AA program becomes a replacement for that nightly need for relief in a glass.

The book Alcoholics Anonymous is such a wonderful book. It explains so much about us that struggle with our lives, our emotions, the way we behave, and react, and our reliance on alcohol.

They say our way of living has advantages for all.

You have nothing to lose...and everything to gain.

Take care of yourself.

Veritas1

I was just listening to Joe H. and Mark H. and I learned something.

In the set aside prayer...they said be careful not to ask God to help US set aside what we know...

Don't say God help me to set aside...

That I don't set aside...God does...

I realized I wrote it wrong above.

I realize I have been saying it wrong.

I guess it's God please set aside.

God does the work, not I.

Interesting.

AllLiesAndJest

In response to all recent posts - sincere thanks. The CBT area looks theoretically complex, but I guess my own experience of counselling alongside AA will enable me to judge how complementary or in potential conflict the different approaches are going to be. I think one-to-one work will be helpful, especially given that I still can't see that I'm trying to 'escape' any specific issue - but who knows? My son's failure to mature into independent adulthood (or delay in doing so) may be playing a bigger part that I imagine.
To Veritas1: thank you for your sensitive words of support and encouragement.
I am still pondering whether to share my new 'label' with my wife, and if I was being asked advice by a third party in the same situation, I'd probably offer the same thoughts as you. But this close up, I'm concerned that she might become over-protective. She's a very giving person, and I would not want her to constrain her own activities and social interactions for fear of making my struggles more acute. However, I will continue to reflect on this. Thank you.

artsoul

This touched my heart - it sounds like you both are very caring. I imagine, though, she may already have worries about your drinking (?)... Just tell her you need help to break this habit. I haven't used the "A" word with anyone I've talked to. (When I'm talking to other alcoholics, that's different).

Hope you have a good day!

Mark75

I did not find CBT complex. Luckily, I found it rather intuitive and that it enhanced and strengthened the cognitive skills God already gave me.... It was not that I disagreed with it or found it complex... not at all....

I related to what you said about your wife very much.

AllLiesAndJest

Thank you to Artsoul - your words were particularly helpful. Thanks also to Mark75 for your support. This forum is a really positive thing, and I am so grateful that there are folk out there willing to spend time supporting others in this way. I'm just starting Day 5, and hoping things will get easier as time progresses. Today I will also have some space to start looking for counselling and AA meeting times and locations. Thanks again folks.

lillyknitting

I cant stand the label alcoholic. Why don't you just say to yourself, I don't like drink, I don't like the way it makes me feel anymore, tell friends your gonna go on the wagon for a while, tell them you can't stand the hangovers, tell them anything just don't drink. They won't care whether you drink or not so long as they are having their beverage. Try it for three months and see how you feel. I told a friend last night, after she remarked on how good I looked, I'm not drinking wine at the mo and its amazing the difference it makes, she was fine, its none of their business, try it and see.

AllLiesAndJest

Hi LillyK - thanks. Practical and down-to-earth advice, well attuned to British culture. Appreciate it. Cheers (Oops - is that sign-off allowed here?!).