HumbleBee

I initially joined AA when I got sober years ago but am no longer someone who's considered "a member in good standing" (ie, I no longer attend).

"My AA experience" was that while it's great to be among people who know what you're going through, it's clique-y and has a feel of a good old boy and good girl network to it.

And yes, if I "relapsed" then I didn't want it bad enough.

I'm sure many will come out to slam me but this was my experience and yes....I tried many, many different AA meetings.

Studies have shown that 60% of alcoholics and addicts have an underlying mental health issue.

It turns out that I had an underlying depression and abandonment issue and no 12-step program was going to help me uncover - or recover - from that without professional assistance.

My contented sobriety was built on one-on-one therapy with a LADC (licensed alcoholism addiction counselor).

That's what worked for me....it gave me the foundation of knowledge and awareness of my underlying issues and no...I am not required to see this counselor for life and yes, I'm still sober.

All the best to you!

Zencat

I found scientific information about drug addiction helpful. Here's what I'm referring too: HBO: Addiction: Understanding Addiction

ste

People you have helped ungrateful? That's par for the course. Help yourself, and accept help. Is it really scary, or unacceptable or (fill in the) ____________.

I would really appreciate your view, I can't fill in the blank myself. I know you have already divulged a lot about yourself, maybe a PM.

LaFemme

Hi DMW...and welcome to SR

I got to the point where I hated drinking as well...and I kept doing it. I read lots of stuff to help me get sober, on meditation, self help, etc. And I kept forcing the stuff down my throat. Then one day I just gave up. I didn't want to do it anymore. I quit. It was such a vast relief. I started working with a coach to fix the broken parts of my life and I joined SR. My life is immeasurable better in every single way now.

I hope you can find the same peace of mind soon as well.

P.S. - Sounds like there are an awful lot of people here to help you right now

dmw101

You people are beautiful, you're beautiful!! Ha!

I'm falling over tired (but sober) so I'll post more tomorrow... just wanted to say, please don't focus on that tiny part of what I said (about the high IQ) because I also said or meant to say that I haven't felt like I'm all that intelligent for the last few years

Drinking I think may have dumbed me down, or something happened, I am not as sharp as I use to be!!

ste

So are we beautiful? or not? Who's as sharp as they want to be? Not a dumbed down me, no way.

dmw101

I don't know if I will ever be as sharp as I was.. but I'm still in here!!

dmw101

I have an underlying something... I don't have "depression", though, I am not sure what people mean by that.. It's where you mope around real sad or numb, right? That may happen to me once a year, if that....

But something is wrong, because my long term memory is gone. I never had much of one, even before drinking.

Only thing I can imagine that caused it was my father was pretty hard on me. He didn't beat me half to death or anything terrible, but he was very rough and hard on us. But my mother and father both spent alot of time with us and tried to give us anything they could, it was a very loving environment even though he was so tough on me, so I don't think that is it

I don't really know WHAT makes me tick some times but I would love to have my memory back. I don't remember what happened last week any more. It's there, I'll have random recall of certain things, but not often



Where can I go and talk to people truly anonymously? I don't need to end up being diagnosed with this or that mental health problem, because they'll try to take my firearms away and I don't feel safe without them.. I'm a bit of a paranoid person

There WAS alcoholism on BOTH sides of my family. Bad bad alcoholism. My father NEVER drank - I've never seen him take a drink - but I guess it's still genetic, like red hair can skip a generation, I suppose?

Also my blood grandfather was a complete crazy schizo... very handsome and pure genius, the guy could compose piano music in real time.... but he was pretty crazy. I believe that a tiny bit of his schizo tendencies filtered down to me

But me I don't go crazy like he did. I wonder if when I am drunk, though, if it doesn't bring it out of me in some way

bellakeller

Wouldn't it be great not to have to sit around and figure this out all on your own? Maybe a therapist or doctor can help you learn more and/or diagnose and help you with a problem with a little work. Who knows, maybe a program of recovery could help with your drinking. I dunno. I know I rely on those who've done the recovery thing before me because I hadn't a clue.

Sometimes I think we think we know ourselves so well that we're not open to a little help or a little perspective from other sources outside ourselves. Kind of takes the pressure off to have some help though.

I find the less I rely on myself for all (hell; sometimes ANY) answers, the better off I am, despite my own cute little high IQ score.

EmeraldRose

Welcome dmw...I can tell you are really struggling here.
One reason you seem to get over things easier when you aren't drinking is because you are able to feel the emotions and you let them out and they are released.
When we drink, these feelings, although heightened in our mind are really masked and they are not properly delt with. Did you ever see the guy at the end of the bar telling the same story over and over until no one even wants to sit on the next barstool. That's because he's not dealing with his emotions to a certain situation sober.
Everytime he drinks, he tells it and relives the emotions but never gets over them.
You seem to be very frustrated & angry with yourself over the fact that you have no control over alcohol once you start drinking. It is true for all of us and the reason I don't take the first drink. I've only been sober for about 68(?) days but I have grasped a world in information between AA, 6 wk rehab and my wonderful friends here. There is so so much you will learn if you can just say yes, that you are powerless and try to get to a meeting. Denying you are powerless will just keep you in the mudd. You have to start the climb out -and I don't know about you but if I was told I had to stand on my head, reciting Mary had a little Lamb -it would be done.
May I suggest going back through the thread and writing down the info that you can. Tomorrow -pick one and try it. Our motto is one day at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day. But if you can make the choice NOT to take a drink and maybe hit a meeting..then, hell, you're on your way.....Oh, and why did I drink for 30 years? Just because I could!

dmw101

I don't think my IQ score would be that high, any more. I was twelve when I was tested... I would love to talk with a professional human behavior and human mind studier, but, I can't afford it.. and I don't take anything that's subsidized or any money from government..... I had a lady friend, actually two, who were psychologist majors but not psychologists and one of them tried to shrink my head but to no avail

It would be nice to see one who does it for a living and really could break down my mind for me piece by piece and explain it to me!!

EmeraldRose

And PS...you're memory will start to return once you quit drinking. I had the same problem and now when I lose my mind I remember where I left it.
The progress is astounding!!

dmw101

That's good to know!

JTele

I sincerely believe that you'd be incredibly surprised just how clearly so many things will become once you've purged yourself from alcohol, and this would be the very first thing that any professional will tell you to do before anybody can help you.

Funny thing is, you remind me a bit of myself when I was younger, for I was very compulsive in many of my behaviors - still am - and I took a great deal of pride in my "brainiac" self when I was in high school and college. This was the primary reason I noted the IQ factor in a previous post as part of the issue at hand, for it's quite evident that it contains a significant meaning to you or you wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place.

If you truly want to regain your mental strength, your intelligence, your memory, all while having a peace of mind within yourself, the very first thing you have to WANT to do is to quit drinking! PERIOD! Alcoholics have thousands of excuses as to why they drink, but none of them hold any weight. PERIOD!

Also, if you're looking for a place that's free and completely anonymous, you've found it right here at SR. There are literally hundreds of people here that are willing to help, but you also have to WANT to listen. Beyond that, you have even more free and anonymous choices such as AA, NA, or many other support groups out there. Find one! Find something you feel some comfort with and see it through to the best of your ability. Nobody can do this for you.

dmw101

Well, I haven't taken any alcohol since I made this thread.. I don't know that I won't, but I sure hope that I don't. I appreciate sobriety so very much. It's unreal.

I let that lady friend I spoke of come over, instead of getting drunk, this time... a much much wiser choice. I enjoyed her very much and there is no hangover. Natural real pleasure is so much more .. I guess it's more pure, you could say .. It's interesting to think of being dirty and bad as so pure, but, well human beings think natural things we enjoy are so bad and dirty.

When you really think about it the real perversions are shortcuts to pleasure ... for me that means smoking and drinking. For other people it may be some other kind of drug. Enjoying a woman I think is a natural clean thing to do.

Just trying to keep busy and not be idle any more - I sent in my application to Child Shield.. Then I spent all day working on this old car I bought. Got it for the same price I had sold the very same car for three months ago, only now, a-lot of repair work has been done. Making payments on a 200,000 mile car sure is humbling, really.

I also managed to get out and make some extra money which will help with moving. I have to be going on the 20th - a day after my birthday. I'm trying to look at it as a gift, finally getting away from all of the negativity and hopelessness of the people around here. It's a real soul killer being surrounded by the ignorance and negativity in this town!!

I'm moving on less than a shoe string. But even if I end up walking down the road with no car or money, and nothing in my hand but my hanging dick, I know things will turn out better than they would have - this town makes my heart and soul very dead.

Another HUGE help will be that I won't be the go to problem solver for IMPOSSIBLE PEOPLE. They even come over and pound on the house to wake me up, they can't go a day without me, I can't fall asleep without them bothering me!!!! And when I do BARKING DOGS WAKE ME UP EVERY TIME. It's been three years since I had a good 8 hour sleep... I even moved to get away from the barking dogs, and blam, my new neighbor adopted three!! They're neglected and constantly are "attention barking" and me I am too good of a person to kill them

I like to kill things, like any man, but my first neighbor had adorable kids who loved his barking howling dog. My new neighbor is dying of cancer and they're his friends. Both situations involve the dogs being terribly neglected, it is so very sad. I feel bad for the (*&%(*^^& dogs even if I do hate them.

Then if you try to leave the house in your car, you have people racing out right in front of you and then driving 8mph. Never fails. The drivers here are the worst in the country and I truly believe that they do anything they can to make me mad!! They even love to slow down and try to make the person behind them miss a light. Light turns green and only one car ahead of you? You might make that light. Half hour later, same idiot, same car, this time you're driving ten over and they're driving up your ass flashing their lights.

Saved a business late last year for someone thinking we would become good partners or that I could at least earn good commissions and the owner never so much as said thank you. Said one time "you really saved my ass"; and I did end up being treated to a wonderful dinner at Mickey D's. These good old boys here have **** blocked me at every turn when all I've ever tried to do was good honest business. Going the extra mile.

I am a believer in "you can't change the world, or the people, you have to change the way that you react to it all" - but there's just only so much of this brain dead trouble making "negative hopeless hateful people" a man can take. I think even JOB had his limit. If he did, he'd find it here. I promise you. At some points in time here I'd rather be in a gunfight, than deal with these people; at least it'd MAKE SENSE. These people MAKE NO SENSE. They cause problems just for the sake of doing so, and they're PROUD of ignorance.

I just can't stand this town - any more - I can not BELIEVE I didn't break, that I survived it. I realized this week how bitter and hateful I've become in the past few years, here. That is a shame - I am not that way when I am not here.

It is time to STOP being here in this horrible place, because everyone needs me to be. To hell with them ALL - it's MY turn to have what *I* want!!

I just want to be out promoting Child Shield, protecting children, and earning a decent living. I miss having things like health care and good meals and a house of my own to enjoy!! And I am going to spend LESS time solving everyone elses problems and MORE time pursuing things that I enjoy!!

More time with lovers, more time playing cards, a doctor, a dentist, good meals, a nice clean home, etc.



Wow ... I sure did write a-lot, again
[/vent]

sos22032

dmw101 -- I hope you make it back to SR to read this. You have a huge additional risk because of your kidney problem. I have a friend who's wife is a kidney doctor. She has seen alcohol destroy so many kidneys that she is 100% against anyone drinking any alcohol for any reason. If you are looking to sort of passively commit suicide, keep binge drinking and you'll be there in no time. But I hope you get help.