dmw101

I use to make a-lot of money and live a good life. Within the next two weeks, I am going to be homeless, for the first time in my life. Don't ever think you can handle it, or that it's cute or funny or just a drink. I'm not sure why I registered here, I've never had any help with anything in my life and don't believe that anyone can help me. I just want to say to anyone out there - please - don't ever drink.

Dee74

Hi dmw101

I didn't think I would be able to be helped either - but this place really did help me turn my life around.

I'll hope you'll give us a chance

Welcome!
D

Taking5

Many of us here have similar stories and have lost houses, jobs and families to alcohol and drugs. No one is beyond help. Tell us more about yourself.

dmw101

I am not the type to come onto something like this whining about my problems. I just want to scream from the rooftops, DO NOT EVER DRINK!!! I use to have an IQ of over one sixty, I was amazing. When I drink I am a pathetic moronic idiot. Just ridiculous.

But I realized some things this last week.. and I have something that is a very good cause I am going to try and go out and work in.. so things could turn around

If only someone could tell me WHY... WHY do I drink? Every time.

I am completely ****ed, here. I think it's because I drank so much, but I can't make a direct correlation between the two things. I have some really good ideas, and I think I still know how to make money.. It's been a long time, though, because I only make enough to "coast by" and then drink until I'm all but dead. Then I lay in bed for several days only getting up to puke or ****. Then I say wow I hope I never do THAT again. Then I do it again.

I don't spend all of my money on alcohol. I'm talking about the result of it. Drinking doesn't cost a-lot.

What is is about alcohol that ALWAYS pulls me back in? I don't even seem to enjoy it, or want to do it, but then BLAM I do it. The last several years flew by me like hours, this is real, this is getting scary here.

The other night I realized it came to the point where I would rather stay home drinking than have a foxy lover to come over and see me.. I instead spent the whole night screaming at people on the telephone picking fights all over town and of course the police ended up over here...

LexieCat

Sounds like you might be an alcoholic.

There's a solution for that, you know, whenever you are ready to stop feeling sorry for yourself and listen.

dmw101

I don't know that I feel sorry for myself. I'm very mad at myself for things I have done and I don't blame anyone, at all. I just can't begin to imagine or wrap my mind around how I've been so ignorant and stupid as I've been.. I'm not the "oh woe is me, it's so unfair, oh my god" type!!! I know that I deserve what's happening to me, for sure.

I use to think that it was real cute and funny when someone thought I was an alcoholic to say "No I'm not, I'm a drunk, ha ha ha!"
But now I know, yes, I am an alcoholic, and it's not funny.. at all.

When people say something to me I always listen!!
I just want to stop hating everything and be my old positive competent self.. I made a-lot of money and solved a-lot of problems for everyone around me. Even now, I still to this day solve a-lot of problems and am a very positive influence in several lives.. I'm not completely worthless I am just broken, see?

ste

We can help each other with resolve, as you are doing with your post. We don't have to do it alone, and most find it very difficult to do it alone, join us. I dare say, there are a few genius people here also. Alcohol doesn't care.

Welcome dmw101, stick around.

I don't think you are stupid, and ignorant can be cured.

dmw101

I use to be a genius.. not saying that I am, now.. LoL.. I really have always done everything in life "alone" and have always been the one everyone runs to with problems.. So I don't really know how to ask for help or (believe someone can) help me

How do you help some moron who doesn't know why he even drinks? I really don't, you know? On a "drinking day" something in my mind shuts down and all logical thought goes away. When I get the "drinking feeling" something happens and I just end up drinking come hell or high water

It's scary at times just outright scary

ste

Yes it is scary, but sometimes less scary than facing life sober. Thats part of the problem for me. I deem myself as borderline anti-social, and a "know it all". I too pride myself in solving problems, not creating them... but if I'm not sure how to get where I want to go, I'll humble myself, stop, and ask directions. Hard, (for me anyway) I know.

P.S. you will always be genius, just alcohol addled for the moment, even if its not in your body right now.

dmw101

I cherish sobriety, personally.. and I am not one to be depressed or sad.. but (*$)(&%()_&_& do I get FRUSTRATED. I'm very anti-social, but not with a very few people I know very closely. A good friend, two family members and one lover.

I'm surrounded by less than intelligent people in the area I live in.. and I tend to know a lot more than they do. But honestly, spending time with someone more knowledgeable and intelligent than I am is a wonderful experience, for me!! Many of my lady friends / lovers are exceedingly educated and talented people... and I just love when they'll, as an example, know something I don't know, or, use a word I haven't heard ..

I have to get over not liking anyone because I am wanting to go out and promote a child protection program. It will be very profitable and help a-lot of people if I can get the side of me to come out that likes talking with people!!



sorry for rambling!!

guyinyvr

Hi dmw

Like you I could never understand why I went back to it...why? My rational mind knows better. It has nothing to do with the rational mind far as I can tell.

First off , give the Big Book a read cover to cover....even if you don't accept the Higher Power and just see how so many have gone back to drinking which they knew was insanity. Its free at any AA meeting or online. Its where I started and I have it handy at all times. I think they caught the allergy concept very early and more has been uncovered in time.

Now there are a lot of opinions out there but I found a few books that explores some of the physiology of the problem recently uncovered, each with some valid points , and other rather anecdotal information

One is

Seven Weeks to Sobriety: The Proven Program to Fight Alcoholism through Nutrition by Joan Mathews Larsen . Its a good read and you can bypass the plugs for supplements sold by her company.

Another two are

Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism

Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism


These three books are always on hand for me yet I slipped up to.

If you open up , go to a meeting of AA , you will find lots of folks , good folks , smart folks who were simply powerless over alcohol. I know I am. It is cunning , baffling.

I found diet changes , lifestyle changes and a few other things kept me sober till my my mom's death last month and voilà , the spree ...and now I am on day 4 and need to work on me instead of greiving through a bottle ...sheesh mom would never had wanted that.

Books are fine but a support group is key , be it AA or some of the other choices if AA isn't for you.

dmw101

All of my life I believed in god and I was never religious but spiritual .. Since about 2008 my faith has weakened and weakened..... I was the type who would start a fight with someone for saying "god **** it".. and now I find myself cursing god, myself!!! I feel so very forsaken.. I don't know if I can ever humble myself to a god, submit to and believe in a god, again...... I never thought I would be saying that, I just never did

I hear people speak of the admitting to being powerless.. Do I really have to admit being powerless over alcohol? Can't I take responsibility for my actions and face myself down, somehow? If not, how can I get over that thinking?

I believe that I can actually offer some words of wisdom for your very situation... Me, I've had many lovers and don't generally get close to anyone. But I've loved two women. Loved them both so much they meant everything, to me. I was loyal as a man can be. Well. They both turned on me (for this or that or another reason - partly my fault - the second probably because of my drinking even though it wasn't often while with her) and when I lost them it crushed my soul to death

Because I never get close to someone. What I felt for them was a big deal, to me. Well. When I lost the first one of the twos of them there I drank NON STOP for two years. So drunk I'd be on a 40 hour bender, pass out for 12 hours but wake up in the middle of that to **** and have a drink even then so I kept drunk even when asleep!!!

I hurt for her FOREVER because of the alcohol... I spent that time inside of women I would never imagine being attracted to, all trying to forget that one woman

Well

Fast forward next time I fall in love BLAM she's gone, okay fine, crushed my soul again, right... but I didn't drink!!! A week in, I had ONE drink, and regretted doing THAT ...... so fast forward again, about three months later not drunk AT ALL and I was through it. Same thing when I lost my only real friend. No alcohol, healed more quickly. Same thing with several loved ones I don't talk about, too!!

So see what I'm rambling about is that if you stay away from the alcohol when you're mourning or grieving - your pain will heal MUCH MORE QUICKLY - alcohol will drag it out, keep it on you, forever!!!

ste

I have a patience problem with people that don't seem to understand as quickly as I expect them to. Need help with my expectations, or to rid myself of them. Any insight would be appreciated. For the most part I would rather listen than talk, but don't like repetition, then my ego gets involved wondering how many times do they think they have to tell "stupid" me.

Not sure there is a side of me that likes talking with people, but anonymity and a keyboard seem to make it easier!

Keep rambling, its allowed!~

guyinyvr

dmw

Yes good advice and I must have misread or misunderstood your post. Wish I had followed that last month but I can't change the past , day 4 and not looking back right now on last month.

dmw101

Well, for me, I have to realize the thing about moving a truck with a feather. I can't force people to listen and I have to change me, not them, when I want a certain reaction or result. That's what I meant about getting that other side of me to come out .... the side of me that is (as you said) patient and able to be understanding and establish repoire there

dmw101

You didn't misread, I don't think... Your post was relevant

Maryjan

Welcome. If you hit an AA meeting, you will be stunned. we are all like you...our brains all in overdrive, all of us seeking peace. Try it...what do you have to lose?

dmw101

It's just so intimidating for me. I've heard that if you're not active in AA, the rest of the members shun you like a plague and everyone hates you if you leave

keithj

Nothing could be further from the truth. If anything, most in AA will love you right to death. They'll accept you unconditionally instead of telling you the truth about what it took for them to recover.

This is the condition of alcoholism. Despite the consequences, despite how horrible it made me feel, I always went back to it. Physical allergy (when I drink, I get a physical craving for MORE) and mental obsession (when I quit drinking, I can't stay quit for long).

I had to have an entire psychic change in order to overcome (conquer) this problem. My same mind drank again every time. But, when I took the 12 Steps and had a spiritual awakening, I started reacting to life differently. It was described by Carl Jung as the "ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them."

That's what was required for me to recover.

Kjell

Hi DMW-

Be willing.
Be honest.
Be openminded.

I got sober b/c I stopped listening to my own sick, alcoholic ego and started listening to those who know how to get and stay sober.

Maybe it's time to get rid of some old ideas?

Kjell~