bananagrrrl

I think the reason I drank in the end was because of self hatred. I am still trying to come to terms with it. Trying to connect with my Higher Power whom I call God is the only thing that brings me peace.

I still hate myself and that will be a life long issue I have to face.

Aysha

I can relate to all of that. Especially growing up. I was an oucast because of race until I hot middle school. Then fell in with the stoners and well it just took off from there.
I dont much like me either. Not as bad as when I was growing up. But now its for different reasons.
Sometimes I try to be ok with ti by saying this is me and I dont give a .........
But deep down I really do. Its just easier to be like that than deal with it.
I have hid behind so many masks and constantly use all these defenses that I am not sure what my true nature is.
You made me think. And almost in tears even thinking about it.
I hate to see anyone feel like that. I know how much it hurts, especially when you just know its you that feels that way about yourself.
Keep ya head up. I always like when you respond to my posts. I get alot from it.
You will find your way.

Rickie

I imagine that most people can relate to your post.

So thanks for the wonderful way you put it.

All the best everyone,

R

keithj

KJell, now that you have identified these qualities and behaviors that you find objectionable, Steps 6 and 7 tell you what is to be done about them.

I find it helpful to go back to the 2nd Step proposition. You have a choice. God is either everything, else he is nothing. When I identify or notice those objectionable behaviors in myself, when I recognize that fear is driving my actions, that I am acting in self will, I consider that proposition.

The answer is, what would god have me be in this situation? Would he have be patient, kind, loving, and tolerant? Would he have me show the courage to do the right thing instead of manipulate the outcome? Whatever it is, the answer will become obvious if I'm willing to consider this question.

ste

[QUOTE=Kjell;2872940

This brings me to today. I simply don’t want to be me today. I don’t think I ever really wanted to be me and that has been the underlying problem this whole time. I don’t like me.

Being me is my problem. Holy _____. I think a light bulb just went off. This growing in recovery stuff is painful.

Kjell[/QUOTE]

Kjell, you are an inspiration, be proud of yourself. I don't believe for a second, that a bad day, or feeling (at the time of your post), would make you want to change it for your "yesterday".

Yes, growing is painful, especially in recovery; many times IMHO, we expect more for our work, then realize we have more hard work ahead. Many, or most people, never make the effort to even begin.

I think you are further along in recovery than me, but would like to offer an analogy. "Simple" physical therapy is hard enough. I hurt my pinky finger, and just bore the pain until I noticed it curling up, I couldn't straighten it. The physical therapist told me I should have come for help much sooner. The therapy was painful with no apparent affects. I gave up on physical therapy, so now have a kinked pinky. Nothing life threatening for sure.

It took less than a second to hurt my finger, many years to become a "recovering" alcoholic. This will take the rest of my life, and for sure I will sometimes be disappointed.

Many here, proud of, and thankful to you. Be proud of, and thank yourself!

Inafishbowl

For what it's worth, I like you, Kjell. Thanks for sharing. I feel that same pain.

tallcactus

Great post Kjell!
Always enjoy your posts and how you are so honest about yourself.
I like being along for the ride in your recovery process.

Kjell

I'm sure I'm my worst critic. I'm very grateful for my "SR friends" and for my sponsor who help me to see the truth, which I simply cannot see at times.

Thank you for the compliment

Kjell

Kjell

Hi all-

Just too many post to "quote" a thank you reply and how each one got me to thinking. I'm going to print this out tomorrow at work and do some sort of action on each one.

I'm about to go really cheesy here, but I love you all and I'm very, VERY thankful I found SR some drunk, blackout'd night long ago...

We can and do recover. I really like the "we" part of that sentence.

Kjell

gravity

I spent most of my life feeling inferior. Growing up poor, half-breed, alcoholic mother. Being a drunk only made it worse.

Sobriety, AA, and spirituality opened my eyes to what a truly blessed person I am. I own my own home on the lake, have a graduate degree, a high level/high paying career, in good physical shape, my kids are awesome, tons of friends. And I'm sober!

Last summer I was going through a down period. The girl I was dating at the time, who is also an AA member, said "Don...there is NO WAY in hell that anyone is gonna feel sorry for you so get over it!" lol

Pray for gratitude, pray for acceptance of what is. Part of "what is" is that there are virtually endless possibilities in sobriety.

Oh, and I know it's just a figure of speech but I can't hate myself because I am only one person! That's just ego talking, going into self-pity mode.

Best wishes!

Snarf

Thanks for the post, Kjell. I can understand many of the points you made.

I also often felt "less than," but I always felt "different." In Kindergarten, I was pulled from nap time to go to 1st grade Math classes. In 1st grade I took 2nd grade classes, and so on. When I reached the 3rd grade, my mom was like, "Look, if he's so advanced that he's taking 4th grade classes, why not just put him in 4th grade?" So after 2 weeks of 3rd grade, I took the final exam, aced it, and was bumped up to 4th.

Now, before this time, I always knew I was different from the other kids because, frankly, I was smarter. I would see kids doing normal kid things, and I would think, "What's wrong with that kid? Why is he eating glue? Is he slow or something?" No, he wasn't slow, he was just 5.

But once I got bumped to 4th grade, I was different for a new reason. Now I was the youngest kid in the class, the smallest kid in the class, the kid who had skipped a grade and didn't really belong in 4th. And while being the smartest kid in class in the lower grades had been a good thing (girls liked me, boys wanted to be my friend), it was a negative in the 4th grade. The other kids didn't really like me because I was younger than them and answered more questions correctly than they did. And the girls didn't like me simply because I was younger.

This continued all the way through high school. My sophomore year, I was 14, and other kids in my grade were turning 16 and driving. How could I get a girl that way? I was still the youngest kid in class. Yeah, I played sports and did theater and student council and all kinds of stuff, but I still didn't fit in. I was still "less than."

Till I started partying. Once I was the guy who would bring and chugs beers all night, the guys who would show up with lots of good drugs and booze and get people wasted, I had lots of friends (and girls wanted to be around me). But not real friends; not like the people who cared about me before I started getting wasted. Just hangers-on who made me feel good about myself.

But these days, I'm so happy to just be the person that I am. I no longer have to put on an act for anyone. I don't have to be the guy getting wasted with everyone. In fact, I get more respect and have better friendships now that I'm not that guy anymore.

Thanks for posting this thread, Kjell. I often think about how my past led me to where I am today. It sure can put lots of things into perspective when we consider all the years and years that led to where we are now.

yeahgr8

Sorry you feeling like this man!

It switched for me when i had finished step 9...my perception of what people thought about me turned out to be wrong and after the third of fourth handshake from folks that i was sure would hate me for the rest of my life with a hearty good luck i realised that i wasn't such a bad guy after all...from there it was all about how much work i want to do on myself and how far do i wasn't to go in order to be happy which has taken me an open mind and some exploring of other spiritual teachers/scripts...

It's still ongoing of course but i would say that if you stick around it does get better...just to be clear that has nothing whatsoever to do with drinking, i am referring to what you have posted about and all the other great things (non-material) that happen:-)

recoverywfaith

:rotfxko...gives me hope from a sad heart today.

Kjell

Thanks Yeahgr8.

I've got a long step 9 list and I'm about 1/2 done though. I just reached out to one of my ex girlfriends and asked her permission to allow me to make (or attempt to make) amends. That and a few others are weighing heavily on my shoulders.