b/c_I_don't_like_me
i've done my almost
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
b/c_I_don't_like_me
When I was a little kid, sometime around the 5th grade or so, I noticed I felt “less than” the other kids. This didn’t stop me from making friends, from getting good grades, I played sports, had sleep overs, played outside, things seemed pretty normal growing up, but there was this underlying feeling of not being good enough. Even as a kid I knew deep down that something was wrong.
In High School it was the same story. I dated a few girls, sometimes got good grades, had many friends, went to some of the dances, played sports, got pimples and grew. but I also, deep down, felt less than. I didn’t think I was good enough.
Around High School I started drinking from time to time and it was fun. I enjoyed it and it changed my life forever. I found a way to sort of, kind of, feel equal too. …but finding this power, this ability-in-a-bottle also allowed me to stop working on myself and I was all to happy to let the alcohol do the heavy lifting. Always.
This continued into my “adulthood” and looking from the outside in, I looked pretty normal. I got a job, got many promotions, did a few years in college, moved to another state for another job, got more promotions, had a career, dating girls, traveled overseas and in the U.S., bought cars, but still…deep down, I knew something was wrong, but I had a way to “drown” those feelings out.
Now everyone knew I liked to party and some really enjoyed that about me. I brought the drugs, sometimes the girls, planned the trips, planned the activities, and we went at it. Some of it was pathetic, and lonely, but most of the times it was really fun, but there was also danger involved, also reckless, selfish, and sometimes immoral behavior and slowly around the age of 30 or so, consequences started to add up and the blackouts started. I had crossed a line of some sorts.
…but I kept drinking/drugging b/c it allowed me to feel greater than and I wasn’t about to go back to feeling less than. No way, no how, no sir. I would protect this feeling with my life and I almost lost it in the process (two duis and two totaled cars, not to mention all the “close calls” throughout my life).
This brings me to today. I simply don’t want to be me today. I don’t think I ever really wanted to be me and that has been the underlying problem this whole time. I don’t like me.
I’m in AA, I’ve got a sponsor, and I’m working the steps. The program is working as the obsession to drink/drug has been removed. It’s simply no longer an option. Most of the time I feel pretty good, but not today.
Here I sit, stuck with being me and that is where the true problem lies. Nobody else, nothing else, and no liquid or substance can fix me.
Being me is my problem. Holy _____. I think a light bulb just went off. This growing in recovery stuff is painful.
Kjell
In High School it was the same story. I dated a few girls, sometimes got good grades, had many friends, went to some of the dances, played sports, got pimples and grew. but I also, deep down, felt less than. I didn’t think I was good enough.
Around High School I started drinking from time to time and it was fun. I enjoyed it and it changed my life forever. I found a way to sort of, kind of, feel equal too. …but finding this power, this ability-in-a-bottle also allowed me to stop working on myself and I was all to happy to let the alcohol do the heavy lifting. Always.
This continued into my “adulthood” and looking from the outside in, I looked pretty normal. I got a job, got many promotions, did a few years in college, moved to another state for another job, got more promotions, had a career, dating girls, traveled overseas and in the U.S., bought cars, but still…deep down, I knew something was wrong, but I had a way to “drown” those feelings out.
Now everyone knew I liked to party and some really enjoyed that about me. I brought the drugs, sometimes the girls, planned the trips, planned the activities, and we went at it. Some of it was pathetic, and lonely, but most of the times it was really fun, but there was also danger involved, also reckless, selfish, and sometimes immoral behavior and slowly around the age of 30 or so, consequences started to add up and the blackouts started. I had crossed a line of some sorts.
…but I kept drinking/drugging b/c it allowed me to feel greater than and I wasn’t about to go back to feeling less than. No way, no how, no sir. I would protect this feeling with my life and I almost lost it in the process (two duis and two totaled cars, not to mention all the “close calls” throughout my life).
This brings me to today. I simply don’t want to be me today. I don’t think I ever really wanted to be me and that has been the underlying problem this whole time. I don’t like me.
I’m in AA, I’ve got a sponsor, and I’m working the steps. The program is working as the obsession to drink/drug has been removed. It’s simply no longer an option. Most of the time I feel pretty good, but not today.
Here I sit, stuck with being me and that is where the true problem lies. Nobody else, nothing else, and no liquid or substance can fix me.
Being me is my problem. Holy _____. I think a light bulb just went off. This growing in recovery stuff is painful.
Kjell
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 336
Gotcha Kjell! What you describe is exactly how I felt all weekend and somewhat today as well. I just want to close my eyes and disappear. I just wanna be my dog or the birds flying around outside. Lucky them....they don't have problems. They live life freely and in the moment. Do they worry about such things? Me thinks not.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
That was a very powerful post, Kjell.
I know where you're coming from... Today is a particularly gloomy day for me. Literally and emotionally. I feel like I've hit that same wall. Nobody, nothing, no liquid, no substance can fix me. I feel so alone in my recovery. It's more painful than I can describe to anyone. Especially all the non addicts/alcoholics around me.
I had a meeting with my boss today and I actually wished that he'd fire me so I could go home and curl up under the covers with the shades drawn until... I don't know. Until it stops hurting so much. I wish I knew when that was going to be. But what if the answer is "never"?
I know where you're coming from... Today is a particularly gloomy day for me. Literally and emotionally. I feel like I've hit that same wall. Nobody, nothing, no liquid, no substance can fix me. I feel so alone in my recovery. It's more painful than I can describe to anyone. Especially all the non addicts/alcoholics around me.
I had a meeting with my boss today and I actually wished that he'd fire me so I could go home and curl up under the covers with the shades drawn until... I don't know. Until it stops hurting so much. I wish I knew when that was going to be. But what if the answer is "never"?
Strive to be alive!
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Better place than where I came from
Posts: 549
Sounds to me like you may want to address this feeling about yourself. Try writing down what you do like and what you don't like about yourself. The things that you don't like what are they and can you do something to make some positive changes in that part of your life. Maybe your lacking something creative in your life for example I take belly dancing. This is something I do for me in reward or replace of one of my negatives. I'm working on trying to address all of them in this manner. I think if you move yourself in a more positive direction you will start to see changes in your thoughts about yourself.
Keep up the good work on your sobriety.
:ghug3
Keep up the good work on your sobriety.
:ghug3
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Originally Posted by pattenat 
Sounds to me like you may want to address this feeling about yourself.
I think you're right. I'm over a year since my last drink and I might need to start addressing any "other" issues.
Thanks for the reminder.
Kjell
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
If you do that fearless and thorough moral inventory in step 4, you'll get a real good look at yourself. It might not be a pleasant one (usually isn't), but at least you have a better idea of your "self". You have to remember that alcohol isn't your problem, you are. And changing you is what AA is all about.
When I did my first 4th step I gained insight into my defects as well as some things that I hadn't been aware of before. I began to understand forgiveness, tolerance, love (as opposed to attraction) and a whole bunch of other things. The positive attributes I was learning were the tools I used to work on correcting my defects. Solutions to the problems, so to speak. It was the beginning of a character change, the spiritual awakening we talk about.
It's been a few years since that first 4th, but I try and do at least one a year with my sponsor. And each year new issues arise, new things are learned, and changes are made. I try to keep improving my character and thus my "self". It's a work in progress.
So I suggest that if you haven't taken the 4th step yet, you get on it. And if you have done it and still feel the way you do, then go back and do it again.
And don't be surprised if you're the last to see the changes that come about when you do this. I had people asking me "What happened? You've changed" Well before I saw it.
Removing the obsession to drink is just part of the AA program. The character change, the personality change, the spiritual awakening that we undergo. That's what the program's all about. And that will ensure, if you stay with it, that the obsession never returns.
When I did my first 4th step I gained insight into my defects as well as some things that I hadn't been aware of before. I began to understand forgiveness, tolerance, love (as opposed to attraction) and a whole bunch of other things. The positive attributes I was learning were the tools I used to work on correcting my defects. Solutions to the problems, so to speak. It was the beginning of a character change, the spiritual awakening we talk about.
It's been a few years since that first 4th, but I try and do at least one a year with my sponsor. And each year new issues arise, new things are learned, and changes are made. I try to keep improving my character and thus my "self". It's a work in progress.
So I suggest that if you haven't taken the 4th step yet, you get on it. And if you have done it and still feel the way you do, then go back and do it again.
And don't be surprised if you're the last to see the changes that come about when you do this. I had people asking me "What happened? You've changed" Well before I saw it.
Removing the obsession to drink is just part of the AA program. The character change, the personality change, the spiritual awakening that we undergo. That's what the program's all about. And that will ensure, if you stay with it, that the obsession never returns.
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Originally Posted by joedris
If you do that fearless and thorough moral inventory in step 4, you'll get a real good look at yourself.
I did a fearless and moral inventory for sure. I spent weeks on it and it was "eye-opening" to say the least. Looking upon myself on paper was too much for me to deny who I was and what I turned into.
Sure didn't make me feel better, but it sure made me see the truth.
I'm actually reading through the big book with my sponsor and we are almost to step 12.
Kjell
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
If you don't like "me" today, then all I can suggest is that you go back and look at your 4th step again. It's not enough to just learn what you are, but you have to work on changing you. Seems like you may be stuck somehow.
I certainly didn't like who I was after my first inventory, but I realized that I had the ability to correct my defects, to change my character. So I often say the Serenity Prayer, asking for the courage to make those needed changes. I also came to accept that I'll always be an imperfect human being. I'm a work in progress, and the operative word is progress. Not perfection.
I also don't concern myself with what others think of me. If I did, then I'd be living my life to please others. They would define who I was. I won't let else define who I am. I answer to myself, and the standards I set for myself are controlled by my conscience. My conscience is controlled by my higher power - God.
As I began to do all this I also realized that I could take a look at the positive side of me or the negative side. I could work on the good or wallow in the bad. I chose the first option and started to like myself for the good things I am. Hey! What's not to like?
I certainly didn't like who I was after my first inventory, but I realized that I had the ability to correct my defects, to change my character. So I often say the Serenity Prayer, asking for the courage to make those needed changes. I also came to accept that I'll always be an imperfect human being. I'm a work in progress, and the operative word is progress. Not perfection.
I also don't concern myself with what others think of me. If I did, then I'd be living my life to please others. They would define who I was. I won't let else define who I am. I answer to myself, and the standards I set for myself are controlled by my conscience. My conscience is controlled by my higher power - God.
As I began to do all this I also realized that I could take a look at the positive side of me or the negative side. I could work on the good or wallow in the bad. I chose the first option and started to like myself for the good things I am. Hey! What's not to like?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Kjell,
When I first came into recovery, I didn't know who or what I am. I think the years of drinking and still being that little girl who was "cute but dim" was all I knew to be. I had to get to know the real me.
If you can, try doing some new things. Go see some art or a different kind of music than you usually do. Read something you normally wouldn't. Try new things!
It's said that we sorta get frozen at a maturity level we had at the age we first started using or drinking. As we recover, we can start that growing up stuff! LOL
Frankly, I am impressed by the efforts and advances you've made so far! I like reading your posts and I get good stuff from them. Please don't discount what you have to give.
Love,
Lenina
When I first came into recovery, I didn't know who or what I am. I think the years of drinking and still being that little girl who was "cute but dim" was all I knew to be. I had to get to know the real me.
If you can, try doing some new things. Go see some art or a different kind of music than you usually do. Read something you normally wouldn't. Try new things!
It's said that we sorta get frozen at a maturity level we had at the age we first started using or drinking. As we recover, we can start that growing up stuff! LOL
Frankly, I am impressed by the efforts and advances you've made so far! I like reading your posts and I get good stuff from them. Please don't discount what you have to give.
Love,
Lenina
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Yep...I understand...unfortunately, we can not divorce ourselves...only our way of thinking. I find when I think negative things about myself, I feel negative and my negativity flows into my world making me think negative things are happening to me or around me.
I find when I think positive things I feel better about myself, I am more patient, compassionate for others' problems and negativity issues -and things seem to happen to my benefit.
Since being sober I've started drawing again, got my nails done, just things that make me happy without guilt. Hopefully, you will learn to think you are worth it and love yourself. Sometimes it is hard when we have constant reminders of the way things were.
Maybe keeping a personal journal would help. You can look back and read the changes not just experience them. It's a life long growing experience.
I find when I think positive things I feel better about myself, I am more patient, compassionate for others' problems and negativity issues -and things seem to happen to my benefit.
Since being sober I've started drawing again, got my nails done, just things that make me happy without guilt. Hopefully, you will learn to think you are worth it and love yourself. Sometimes it is hard when we have constant reminders of the way things were.
Maybe keeping a personal journal would help. You can look back and read the changes not just experience them. It's a life long growing experience.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
You have ALOT to offer. I can't remember a post from you where I didn't learn something from a different prospective. AND you didn't correct me when I thought you were a girl.
I think we all have had days when we felt like we didn't like ourselves so much. I am hoping this is just a passing stage for you. An off day.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kjell))) - I can totally relate. I've never been comfortable with me. It has nothing to do with the way I was raised, but for whatever reason, I always felt like I wasn't "enough". I've been working on it, for quite a while, and have made some improvement.
I'm sure some of it is I'm still dealing with a lot of consequences from when I used, even almost 4 years in recovery, and it seems I will be for a while longer. I have to tell myself "I AM enough", quite frequently. Luckily, I have a lot of support to encourage me and remind me of the GOOD, when I get to wear I want to beat myself up.
It takes time, but we'll get there
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm sure some of it is I'm still dealing with a lot of consequences from when I used, even almost 4 years in recovery, and it seems I will be for a while longer. I have to tell myself "I AM enough", quite frequently. Luckily, I have a lot of support to encourage me and remind me of the GOOD, when I get to wear I want to beat myself up.
It takes time, but we'll get there
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Great post. You're way ahead of me in recovery. Instead of wallowing in self pity, you're recognizing what we all come to face in the early states of recovery -- it's not just about abstaining from drugs and alcohol, it's doing the work to allow our HP to bring a psychic change and spiritual awakening.
Really hard stuff to tackle. Me? Can't look in the mirror. A long story, but this one is yours.
Please keep working it. I learn from you.
Really hard stuff to tackle. Me? Can't look in the mirror. A long story, but this one is yours.
Please keep working it. I learn from you.
Strive to be alive!
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Better place than where I came from
Posts: 549
Real Quick...
Originally Posted by MemphisBlues
Really hard stuff to tackle. Me? Can't look in the mirror. A long story, but this one is yours.
Will keep this short, I know you didn't aim to hijack this post. Just wanted to say...
This is where I was when I new it was time to seek help. I cannot tell you how many mornings I'd do my makeup just to have to redo it because of crying when I looked at me. Personal hygeine can be a real pain in the a$$ when you don't want to look at yourself! Have broken a few mirrors over it too
I still cry but not as often and not when I look at myself. Knowing that I'm seeking help and moving toward a successful recovery has allowed me to see me in a new light. And right now I'm ok with me. I have a hell of a lot of work ahead of me but I'm ok with me.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: des moines ia
Posts: 362
GREAT POST !! I think we are twins separated at birth LOL. Along with being a drunk I have also been blessed ? with depression which muddles these things even more. The way I finally got my head around it was to imagine two mirrors, one was held up for me by society and the other I held up for myself. Society's mirror is like the one in a fun house, I look all twisted and bent. Somehow I got the idea in my head that if I just twisted myself enough I would look straight and normal in that mirror. It never works. In the mirror I hold up for myself I look straight and NORMAL, perfectly acceptable to myself because this mirror also reflects all the troubles I have overcome and all the struggles I have won to get where I am today.
Sorry for all the philosophical BS, but it helps me.
Ron
Sorry for all the philosophical BS, but it helps me.
Ron
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 587
Kjell, I think a lot of us feel that we are not good enough. For some reason we have this impression we need to change and this will fix us. at least I believed this. I turned myself inward out, trying to fit in, never say a bad word (or at least try) and bottled up all this feelings. I let people walk all over me because I am afraid I hurt them and I do not deserve bettersince I am not good enough. When I looked around I saw other people, they were perfect, they could deal with things, they had everything, I did not like myself......
What I realized is selfacceptance. You were made by your HP and you are perfect the way you are. Your life is unfolding in a way it should be. We cannot all be heros, succesful and glooming stars There need to be people with other roles in life and they are perfect too. so I just started not to compare myself to others anymore. I stopped judging and started just for today to do the best I can do to make things right. Hope this helps
What I realized is selfacceptance. You were made by your HP and you are perfect the way you are. Your life is unfolding in a way it should be. We cannot all be heros, succesful and glooming stars
There need to be people with other roles in life and they are perfect too. so I just started not to compare myself to others anymore. I stopped judging and started just for today to do the best I can do to make things right. Hope this helps
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by Kjell
Being me is my problem.
I've been told that this is a statement of great hope. That if our problems are of our own making, we have the power, or can tap into the power, to solve them.
Good stuff, thanx.
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