SadAngel

I am an alcoholic. I don't want to be. I wish I could control myself. Sober, I'm shy and reserved. When I drink, I'm the life of the party. People like me more when I'm drinking. BUT, I can't stop at buzzed. I continue to drink until I lose control and black out. I don't know what to do.

Snarf

Welcome, and thanks for joining us. This site is a wonderful place, full of amazing people who have tons of experience and support to share with you.

I found this site on the day I gave up drinking, and I've been here and alcohol-free ever since. Lots of people here have used many different tools to help them stop drinking; I hope you are able to find one that works for you.

I think we often romanticize the good times that we have with alcohol. We think of being the "life of the party," but we don't think about the hangovers, throwing up, embarrassing things we do when drinking...Trust me, these days, I'd much rather be "shy and reserved" without alcohol than making a fool of myself with it.

Again, thanks for joining us, and I hope you'll hang around a while.

Dee74

Hi SadAngel

I used to think I was better socially when drunk too - turns out someone who is blacked out and lost control is not that awesome company.

I think the most important thing is the fact that you don't like yourself like this.

There's lots of us here who've turned our lives around

I think the most important thing is to reach out and find support - you'll find a lot of that here, and a few ideas on where to get real life support too...

Welcome

D

Aysha

I try not to hate myself but my choices.
Not always easy tho.
I dont drink but I know when I think I'm keepin it live when I'm gettin high, truth is, I'm just somehting to laugh at. Who doesnt like entertainment?
Forget what others like. YOU dont like it.
I agree with Dee. Blacking out isnt very fun or funny. I would hope these people would know better.
Welcome.
Theres alot of wisdom and info here.
It can stop now.

mtnmagic

Hello SadAngel and welcome to you!
I can relate about hating yourself. I thought I functioned
much better with alcohol in my system for a long time.
It was a lie, a horrible lie. I am turning my life around
with the help of this forum and you can too. It isn't
easy, but it does get better in time.

Please stick around, read and post as much as
you feel comfortable with. There is a ton of support here
24/7 with people that are just like you and me. It was
such a relief to find people that understood exactly
where I was coming from.

Take care. You are about to begin an incredible new journey.
It took a lot of courage to take that step and post here.
Welcome again.

SadAngel

I totally understand what you are saying. It just won't work for me. Ironically, I am the only one who realizes I have a problem. All my friends and family drinks and sometimes get drunk. They think this is a good time. I am the only one that ALWAYS gets drunk, stupid and out of control. They make fun of me but, they love me at the same time. So F'd up! Recently, I've been very depressed lately. Drinking just amplifies this feeling so, I've actually suicidal. I've told them this but, they don't take it seriously. Don't worry. I am too selfish. I want to stick around long enough to see my kids settle into their own lives. I despise myself. I could care less about my own life. I am living purely for my children.

EmeraldRose

Do not hate yourself -just hate what you are doing to yourself.
I started a 6 week rehab program and love it. I am learning alot. You also need to get in touch with your spiritual side. I know, easier said than done. But when you feel good about yourself & your surroundings you will automatically be a happier person.
Good Luck! =)

Leprechaun

What void is the alcohol you drink filling, alcohol is the solution to something bigger, do a little soul searching, and stick around here the people here have walked in you're shoes and drank to fill the same void,there are some wonderful people here who can help you find the answer to you're questions.

Peace,
Lep

Maryjan

Sad angel, maybe everyone else loves you drunk...but it takes the joy out of you. It's okay to be quiet, peaceful...to read and snuggle with your kids...that's fun, too. Took me a long time to learn this: I don't like being the life of the party. For me, a wonderful night is a warm spot to read, and bubble bath, waking up proud of myself. I thought this was nerdy behavior...turns out it's just who I am. My real friends love me this way, too.

Maryjan

What is your perfect (sober) evening?

Creekryder

I had the opportunity once to see a video of me being the "life of the party." What I saw was not necessarily the glamorous and dashing image I thought I was displaying. But we are not bad people, just do bad things. When we let go of bad actions, I think then we can see a person of merit emerge. True self-image never comes from a bottle. It comes from embracing ourselves and allowing a few "imperfections" to be part of our being.

I have to remember this as well.

You are important or you would not be here.

Padraic

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Yeah, I was that way a long time ago, I remember that feeling. Really sucks. Not wanting to be an alcoholic, for me, would be like not wanting to have blue eyes, with one important difference. I can change the color of my eyes quite easily.


The people you drink with like you more. I think that's an important distinction to make. Funny thing, some of the people I drank with seemed to like me less when I wasn't drinking with them anymore. Go figure.

Quit drinking!

2stop

****{sadangel}}}

I hear your pain and I feel it too. My heart aches for you. I've struggled with addiction for almost 30 years. I am 39 yrs old. I have two teenagers and many times it was only them that kept me pushing on..........but there comes a time you MUST do it for YOU. Whether you feel or think you are special..........the fact is this. YOUR LIFE MATTERS> I am sure your children find you special. Now mom must find the ability to love herself, and I think you have shown a bit of that lost respect you have for yourself just by coming here and reaching out to us.........it takes guts to do that. So you are brave, you are loved..........and you want to feel better. To feel better we must DO better. There are many ways to sobriety and recovery. One size don't fit all! I couldn't find much relief or help with 12 steps. I kinda used a little bit of everything. Others do fantastic with the 12 steps it only matters that you try, that you seek out a program and work it like your life depends upon it...because it does. I don't know you, but I know your type of pain, I know the self hatred. For many long years I couldn't stand hearing/seeing my namer...I felt so much shame. Shame is fuel for addiction!! You don't have to feel this way forever. I have my struggles still, I fall, I get back up, I fall back down, I get back up..again. My point is this, many DO recover, and you can too. I am so glad you found this site. I found it way back in 2003, and it changed my life. Please keep posting there is alot of support here.

Kjell

Hi SadAngel-

Do you think you're an alcoholic? That's usually the best place to start.

...and I promise you, if you do get sober, there will be many things you'll realized you had wrong (other people, alcoholism, yourself, and life in general).

There are reasons you're drinking to a blackout and it has nothing to do with being the "life of the party". It's easy to hide in a crowd, isn't it?

Let us know how we can help and welcome.

Kjell