someguy71

This is a private message conversation between myself and another person on another forum:

Her:
Me:
Physical health, excellent. Mental health excellent. My last drink was Wed the 19th at 9:00 pm. PPL at work have noticed that I have more energy and am having more fun.

BUT, yesterday I almost caved... There always seems to be that lingering thought in the back of your mind, that when you finish work you want a beer and you have to make a very solid effort not to crack one open.

Her:
Me:
ohh... no.. no sponsors or steps.

I go to The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com to learn and ask for help every day. I participate in the online meetings there... if that counts for anything

Her:
__________________________________________________ ____________


I was like "WOW!! That was harsh."

So now, I don't know what to think... AFAIK my drinking spiraled out of control a long time ago. It started as recreational, became "something I enjoyed", then it was socially acceptable, and then I was hooked.
At this stage, when I chose to stop, I was drinking because I was bored. It is not a self confidence issue, or a problem with my mother...

So what would the steps / having a sponsor teach me that I don't already know? Since I don't have access to either... just this forum.

Thinking about it critically: Why do I drink / Why did I drink?
1) I was bored. Would have a beer an our for as long as I had free time.
2) Physical dependency. After drinking daily for almost 20 years I became physically dependent.

That is all I can think of. What am I missing?

Kjell

You say you became physically dependent b/c you drank for over 20 years, but your post starts out by saying you almost caved b/c you felt you should be able to enjoy a beer after work.

Doesn't that strike you as a mental obession?

Do you really think you drank for over 20 years simply b/c you were bored?

In my experience, it doesn't work that way, but maybe you're different.

How long have you been sober for this time? Do you think you're an alcoholic?

Mark75

Sounds like you had a member who is AA PM you with advice/support... I don't think it was harsh, AAs pretty much speak from the heart and don't beat around the bush and if you are AA, you understand. Alcoholism kills.

I'm actually sorry to see you bring this to the public forum... Probably best handled with the moderators.

You are not AA and if you have no interest in AA her PMs will sound excessively harsh and confusing so just put them aside and try not to judge... she's just trying to help alert you to a potential relapse...

The steps and sponsors are available at AA and if you are interested, we (AA's) can get you PLENTY of info and will be happy to do just that...

LaFemme

For what its worth I am not worwking the steps...I am working on my life and improving it. This does not involve mommy issues or addressing the reasons why I drank rather I actively look for areas of my life that can be improved on and then work on them.

Granted I only have 6 months but they are a very solid six months.

The first few weeks I always thought about drinking after work...heck I can't get on my train home without walking past the drinks cart ...but that's ok as long as I keep walking.

Sobriety takes workbut I don't see anything in your post that says "relapse is imminent ".

ronf

Sounds like this person is a strong AA'er as am I. It definitely was the best way for me to go. That doesn't mean it's the best for you. I think there is a lot more to it than the 2 examples you cited,BUT that's ME. Do what works for YOU. If what your doing stops working, then try something else.

Ron

whatisit

Hey there someguy71.

Congrats on a few weeks of sobriety. It's good that you are feeling better. I woke up without a hangover today after finding this site a few days ago.

Sobriety is a chemical state of affairs in your body and brain. That other stuff is unscientific psychology, religiosity, or maybe traditional myth. Whatever it is it is not scientific fact. Nothing against those who find the twelve step thing works for them, but it does not work for others, myself included.

someguy71

Is it? I don't know. I'm not a psychologist. It was habitual that I would have a beer (or 12) after work. I wouldn't assume to associate habits with mental obsessions. There is no doubt in my mind that I enjoyed drinking to an extent. But I also realized that it was destroying me and that I needed to change. I feel better for it but that urge is still there.


Oh no. Not at all. As I mentioned it was a gradual progression. As I had more and more time on my hands I drank more and more.

Most likely not. There is probably something I am missing and thus can't convey that, because I don't know what it is.

This is my first attempt. Been sober since Thursday Jan 20th. I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I know I am. If I have one, I don't / can't stop. When I stopped I was physically ill. If I didn't have a few drinks daily, I would sweat, shake, etc ... all the classic symptoms.

someguy71

It is not like that... this PM conversation was from another forum and I needed some ... some.. clarification.


Yes, she is an AA member. Does that mean she feels that without AA it is pointless?

Mark75

Oh, thanx... glad you clarified that, so it's not one of us super terrific SR people ....

She might think that, I don't know... Myself, I think that getting sober, getting recovered, is never pointless.

SSIL75

Someguy - have you looked at Rational Recovery at all? Specifically the AVRT tool. It's kind of the anti-AA. Or.. like the opposite of it, I guess. It might resonate with you.

I think you got a very typical response from someone who believes in AA. I'm sure she means well. Doesn't mean she's right when it comes to you.

LaFemme

Hi someguy...hard to tell what she was thinking...but she might have felt that without AA it was pointless.

The important thing is to focus on yourself and not what others think...at least that's my opinion:-)

Anna

I am not an AA person either, but I do believe that recovery means making changes in your life.

It might seem normal to you that you were bored, so you started drinking. I think another person might think 'I'm bored' and take a class, or join a sports team, or do something that would be healthy. I think those of us who become addicts have chosen to numb our feelings and avoid them, rather than face them and deal with them.

I think that recovery involves really looking hard at yourself. As you said it wasn't about self-confidence or your mother that made you drink, but something did and I believe that you need to deal with the underlying issues in order to recover.

someguy71

Thanks for the Kudos. Sorry you had a hangover. I'm sure you'll get to where you want to be soon

In regards to "what works vs what doesn't" It is difficult. I am not sure trial and error is the way to go, but I suppose we have no choice, do we? I do believe in support groups because there are people who have "been there and done that" and made it through.

doggonecarl

>If you don't work the reasons for your drinking, you'll never recover.

Like you, I thought I had merely acquired a dependence on alcohol. Struggled in my early recovery...constantly fighting the obsession to drink. But I never looked deeper than thinking I was hooked to booze. A couple months go by, I was making great progress and started to encounter a number of situations that made me want to drink. Triggers. Not "happy hour" reasons or beer-with-football excuses. No, I found that certain social situations caused me much discomfort, and I wanted to drown those bad feelings in beer. Another time I was in the same room as someone I had had issues with. Again, the discomfort made me want to drink. Another time I got enraged at my sister's boyfriend and boiled for hours. Wanted a drink the whole time. Shame, grief, anger, fear. Reasons I drank. Reasons I became addicted to alcohol. Because it worked at numbing me to emotions I hadn't learned to deal with.

Now I have to work through those reasons...

That's what I think the person was PM'ing you about.

whatisit

That sounds really interesting. Are there any links to the AVRT tool?

ReadyAndAble

hey, some guy. I suspect Ron nailed it: sounds like she's a serious AAer, and because it's been an essential element of her own recovery, she's made the understandable leap to believing it's essential for everyone. Totally makes sense—you find something that works, saves your life in fact, why wouldn't you want to recommend it to everyone?

But recommending is different than saying you're doomed without; like LaFemme, I don't really see any reason why someone would jump to that conclusion about you.

My experience is that everyone's different, one size does not fit all, etc. etc. I'm not doing the steps, and don't feel the need at this point. But I am in awe of what AA has done for others, and have the utmost respect for it. I have't done Rational Recovery (I think SMART Recovery is the non-profit version of RR with free meetings; they started out affiliated split apart years ago; both are very focused on the AVRT approach). I'm considering trying face-to-face support through them.

My advice is to keep an open mind, try different things, see what works for you.

Sounds to me like you've got a great attitude. Keep it up!

someguy71

Maybe I'm still in my "sober high", but I felt shame, fear and guilt BECAUSE I was drinking. Well in the last few years anyway. Prior to that, I was in the "socially acceptable" realm where I enjoyed it. Probably a little too much.

I do understand what you mean about "triggers". Maybe, other than being bored, I haven't discovered my "triggers" yet.

GettingStronger2

Someguy. . .i drank because i was bored. Among many other reasons. I did start AA and the steps and working with a sponsor. That is all on hold for me at the moment, as i have other things happening at the moment. However, i do think they work. I also don't think they are the only way to get and stay sober.

When you get sober, as time passes, things will start to show up for you. Whether you see them immediately as reasons you drank or not, you will hopefully see that you need to deal with them sober and without picking up a drink.

This probably doesn't help you at all, but just thought I would reply. And FWIW, it never hurts to work on ourselves, alcoholics or not.

joedris

I'm in AA because it works for me. Your friend is too. Unfortunately, she feels that it's her way or the highway. I see that sometimes and it saddens me. AA is a great program but it isn't for everybody. There are a lot of alternatives out there. You admit you're an alcoholic and that's a major step towards staying sober.

I'd suggest you give AA a try. Attend a few different meetings and see if it makes sense to you. If it doesn't, then nothing lost. At least you'll know. As I said, there are other programs around.

someguy71

GS2!!!!!!

Thank you!!

I know it is still early in my sobriety. I wish I had the opportunity to go to meeting, or "work the steps" but I can't The resources just aren't here where I live. So here I am on the forum.

In one of my business coaching seminars, we had to set goals, make task lists and walk backwards from where we wanted to be to where we are now. One of the obstacles I realized was my drinking. That became priority #1

I realized that maybe 1.5 years ago... It took me this long (analysis paralysis) to get here today. Without SR, I'd still be researching

SSIL75 I'm looking into RR now Thanks!