susanlauren

It's Christmas. It's supposed to be a time of joy and peace and celebration. Happy. Happy. Not. I am struggling. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to do anything. I am barely functioning at work and at home. I am sleeping way too much. I am eating way too little. I am losing weight. I've not put up a single decoration. I just want the holidays to be over. A part of me would just like my life to be over. In some ways I feel as if my life is already over. Family and friends ask me how I am doing, and I say, "great." Yeah, right. And did I mention I am obsessing about drinking. I want that feeling of warmth and comfort and relaxation. I am not going to kill myself. I just want the pain to go away. I am asking where is the meaning? where is the purpose of my life? I know I am depressed. I know alcohol is a depressant -- that to drink would just make my existing depression that much worse. The joy of life is gone. I feel as if I am just existing day to day. I pray for God's help -- to shine a light into the dark night of my soul. So tell me, how do turn this around? How do I get the joy/the spark of living back? Susan

beaglenut

I am struggling to get into the holiday spirit. I forced myself to make cookies and will attempt to put the tree up tomorrow.

I miss living with my children. I just feel lost.

Maybe I'll try going to church.

Dee74

I think for many of us it's a actually a pretty hard period to get through, Susan.
Have you considered getting some profession advice on your depression at all?

D

susanlauren

It sounds as if I could use some professional advise, doesn't it? I hate the thought of anti-depressant medication. It seems like I should be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps -- somehow will myself into a better frame of mind and into a better place. I am not doing so well at getting there.

Ghostly

Clearly you are experiencing more than just not getting into the holiday mood. You exhibit signs of depression. Please consider seeing someone. No one will make you take meds, and you may feel better just seeing someone.

I hope you feel better. Keep us posted.

LaFemme

Hi Susan!

I'm with Dee...some professional help might be in order....that shouldn't mean antidepressants automatically ....I wouldn't want that either. My coach/therapist treated me for seasonal depression when I was down....it could be as simple as that. So don't be afraid and don't beat yourself up about it. Depression is pretty common this time of year.

Hevyn

Susan, in the beginning I was lost at Christmas time too. How could it ever be fun again - the magic seemed totally gone. I had relied on the fake feeling of happiness for so many years, I didn't even know how to really enjoy myself without my anesthesia. It's a matter of re-learning how to live and enjoy things. These are still early days for you - don't expect to feel calm & happy just yet. I know we all get tired of hearing the same things - but it really is true - it DOES get better and easier.

This is my third sober Christmas after drinking all my life. The thought of drinking hasn't crossed my mind hardly at all - and when it does, I quickly dismiss it. I know to have a drink would lead to 10, and I'd be right back on my way to misery and chaos. Your feelings of loss and sadness are perfectly normal for now. We are all here for you and want to help see you through this time. (As Dee & the others said, though, maybe get some professional help with your depression.)

MsCooterBrown

I hope you can feel happy again Susan. I don't have a large circle of friends..but I have a couple of them. And sometimes..it helps just to talk and get it out. This is a MAJOR lifestyle change. Let yourself go thru the emotions..but don't stay sad. You will be in my thoughts..I hope you find happiness and peace again soon.

susanlauren

My mood started to decline with the switch to daylight savings time. It seems to be getting progressively worse. Then I got a nasty respiratory infection which turned into bronchitis. I am over that now, but I didn't feel well physically a good part of last month. I'm sure being sick didn't help my mood any either. I hate the dark. I hate the cold. Winter makes doing anything that much harder. I want to curl up in a blanket and just stay there. I try to put a festive face on for family and it is getting harder and harder to fake how I really feel. Susan

LaFemme

Hey Susan! It sounds like you really might have seasonal depression...its real and is tied to lack of vitamin d during the short days of winter. My family is from Scandinavia...its a big problem there but its relatively easy to fix. This is not medical advice. Call your doctor...tell him what you just said and ask for advice.

topspin

.. never heard of "seasonal depression" , [makes good sense !]

I've noticed how much better;in a very subtle way, my frame of mind is; ( thanks mostly to being sober) after getting out in the sun . Kinda sketchy on some of these cold overcast days too !

Not that this has anything to do with anything, but it's incredible to see my dogs lay down on the coldest days , ....finding a little spot to bask in the sun. Instinct, I guess !?!

bcboy

Hey Susan

I am right with you on what your feeling right now. This will be my first Xmas sober and I am at about 7 months sober now and I sure had no idea Xmas was going to be this tough.

I have turned down every party this month when before It was almost every day of December I was at an office party celebrating with clients.

I too feel lost and I walk down the streets and see all that is going on around me and feel like I am on another planet.

So what am I doing to try to fix it?

Well I am going to be helping out around the area and try my hand at some volunteering. And we also have a program here in BC called "operation red nose" where you volunteer your time to drive home people who have drank to much in there own car so they get safely home.

I also am going to make it a point to post more on here and talk to everyone, as I have not been doing that for the last few months. We are all in this together so we can use each other to get through all this.

Hope this helps.

CarolD

I blame Norman Rockwell for part of my holiday blahs.
Who could possibly match his fantasy world?


Susan...
I certainly hope you will get professional assistance.
Until then....be gentle with yourself.
It's a difficult time of year for me too.
Prayers coming your way

VeeTee

Susan, I can totally feel with you... I'm just about 7 weeks sober and I'm staying away from friends I'd like to see simply because all people are talking about at the moment are "christmas drinkies"...
For the Christmas days I am making sure we have lots of games and stuff out to keep us busy and have some fun (not much of a game person, but trying hard to go to all lengths). I also thought I'd get some family pictures organised so we can look at them all together and get some giggles from the past.

BCBoy - excellent plan, good on you for joining the red nose brigade!

Hope your blues passes soon.
vee

Fandy

Hi susan; yes I can totally relate to the depression and daylight savings time...I HATE it too....and it is especially tough when you are in early sobriety, alone and the holidays focus on what you are trying to stop.

all i can tell you is what works for me....get up and move...do something productive, even if it is for 5 mins....you can appreciate the little things to help you. I find visiting the gratitude threads very helpful...because as bad as things are (my long-term relationship ended last Xmas) things could be much worse.

Tomorrow is the shortest day of the year....and I treasure the extra 30 seconds of daylight that comes after that.

treat yourself kindly as you are recovering from 2 illnesses...a good diet and some vitamins certainly won't hurt you...tell your doctor what you are going through, it isn't an automatic sentance for an anti-depressant...(i've been on several and for ME, i prefer a strong dose of coffee and some exercise).

try to find something you enjoy and can focus on to take your mind off of obsessing...and there is no law that you have to decorate for Xmas...you can do what you are comfortable with...even a small plant with a few baubles is significant for a tree. you don't have to overwhelm yourself.

ViciousCycle

I have lived in your current situation to the letter. EVERYTHING looks and feels hopeless. The best advice I can give you is to stop feeding the monster. Cut off that escape. It will be hard as hell but I am living proof it can be done. As much as I thought drinking was my relief, I quickly found out it was just the opposite. It magnified my problems to an unrealistic level.

Once I had a few sober days in, (take some time off, whatever it takes) things seemed to clear....I ventured out in baby steps....my disposition improved......everything I viewed and dreaded was simply not as large and looming as I had made it. Most importantly, I relaxed.......you know, the feeling the booze was "supposed" to do. My anxiety went out the window. It was weird. I went from the Tasmanian Devil to an Andy Griffith. That is one screwed up analogy........but you get my drift.

Joy can come back, the dark can go away, but you have to give yourself that chance........give it all you have, you can be happy again!!!!!!!!!!

littlefish

Plan, plan, plan and plan again!
This is a very rough time for alcoholics and if you are having a depression, I guess that just adds to the triggers.

I know the holidays are supposed to be fun, that's how it is in films and of course all our friends and neighbors seem to be having the perfect Christmas.

But, for so many of us the holidays mean sad memories and the reminder that our reality is not postcard perfect.

Try to make some plans for the holidays: firm committments to be someone, someplace, with someone.

NEOMARXIST

I used to dread Christmas and really didn't enjoy it. I would try to mask my depression with booze but ultimately it just made myself worse as I would be ashamed of myself and feel terrible.

Last year was my first sober Christmas and I just got my head down and just made sure that I stayed sober at all costs. I had to go out for walks to clear my head, ring people in AA, post lots on SR and reach out as I was really in a dark mood for about 8 straight days throughout Christmas and my birthday. I remember being full of anxiety and not good at all but working through that then I was rewarded in the gifts of recovery which are the flip-side to all of the horrible parts where many give up and give in to the quick fix. Then back to square one and yet more demoralisation.

It's so easy to 'project' at Christmas and think that everybody is having a wonderful time apart from yourself. I used to do this terribly and it would eat me up inside.

This year I am just applying my recovery to Christmas and all that by just living 'one day at a time' and not thinking about what anybody else is doing but rather making sure that I do what is right for me to do. Obviously I have another years sobriety and recovery experience to draw upon which inevitably helps but if I'd have picked up last festive period then I would be f*cked now; for that I have no doubts. Quick fix leading to long-term desolation.

I find that my recovery program means that I can keep my head above water in relation to depression but if you are going under then it's best to seek medical help if that is necessary. One thing is for sure and that's drinking may give you a very brief restbite but overall it will make your situation much worse once the booze has all gone and stops working.

All The Best, Peace.

susanlauren

Thank you all for your responses. I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday. I did some internet research on seasonal affective disorder and printed off some materials. My symptoms certainly seem to coincide with what is described. I'm surprised that something as simple as sunlight can make that much of a difference. I will take the information with me when I go see my doctor. At this point, I am willing to do whatever he suggests (even if that means anti-depressant medications). I appreciate the encouragement to be gentle with myself. I have been beating myself up for feeling down. I suppose there is no rule on decorating or holiday parties (which I have been avoiding). Today is another sober day. Susan

Fandy

really, what is going to happen if you step out of the box this year? If you don't go all out because you don't feel well? If you are disappointed it's one thing, but if you simply just don't feel up to doing a whole lot of hoopla, I think it's fine.

I don't think most doctor's are going jump and immediately suggest a drug for treating you. you need to get to the root of the problem first....and a few extra minutes outside in some sunlight every day might help...I am guessing it is very cold where you live too, but a short walk in the sun could be beneficial.

( i don't want to suggest a tanning bed, that seems extreme)