Holiday Blues
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
Down in Ohio
Susan
I feel like it is winter in Ohio for nine months. I know that is not true, but looking outside I am convinced the snow will remain until march. I suffer from depression and use medication and therapy for treatment. But during the winter it is harder to motivate myself get of the house. To walk the dogs I put on two pairs of pants and two down coats so I'll be warm enough. After I am done, I feel like I've accomplished something.
I was very low key last Christmas and what I noticed was relief that everything had slowed down. I was so tired of being drunk and hiding the drinking. All the secrecy and sickness takes so much time. Most women feel like they haven't done enough for the holidays. I know I have not met my mom's quota on the decorations or cookies. My husband's cooking the bird, stringing lights and wrapping presents. If he doesn't want to, than that's fine too.
I'll be thinking of you this week.
SH
I feel like it is winter in Ohio for nine months. I know that is not true, but looking outside I am convinced the snow will remain until march. I suffer from depression and use medication and therapy for treatment. But during the winter it is harder to motivate myself get of the house. To walk the dogs I put on two pairs of pants and two down coats so I'll be warm enough. After I am done, I feel like I've accomplished something.
I was very low key last Christmas and what I noticed was relief that everything had slowed down. I was so tired of being drunk and hiding the drinking. All the secrecy and sickness takes so much time. Most women feel like they haven't done enough for the holidays. I know I have not met my mom's quota on the decorations or cookies. My husband's cooking the bird, stringing lights and wrapping presents. If he doesn't want to, than that's fine too.
I'll be thinking of you this week.
SH
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 218
Just wanted to echo what others said and said it is awesome that you are making positive steps like calling your Dr. This is a tough time of year for many people, not just us alcoholics! The sunlight makes a huge difference and as others mentioned, the expectations for Christmas being perfect don't help.
Prayers from my way, too!
Prayers from my way, too!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hey Susan - it's OK to not be "up" right now. I used to get a little scared in early sobriety when I felt like that (especially if it lasted more than a day or two). But inevitably, if I didn't drink, it got better. My mood changed, or something would happen to make me forget about myself, or the chemicals in my brain would kick in, or whatever. But those feelings would always pass.
The Holidays are a mixed bag - the good, the bad and the ugly! There's more stress and expectations, and alcohol all over the place. This will be my first sober Christmas in a long time too. I'm keeping things as simple as possible and remembering I have things to be grateful for (sobriety is #1).
Hang in there!:ghug3 (p.s. nothing wrong with anti-depressants if you need them).
The Holidays are a mixed bag - the good, the bad and the ugly! There's more stress and expectations, and alcohol all over the place. This will be my first sober Christmas in a long time too. I'm keeping things as simple as possible and remembering I have things to be grateful for (sobriety is #1).
Hang in there!:ghug3 (p.s. nothing wrong with anti-depressants if you need them).
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 228
Originally Posted by susanlauren 
It's Christmas. It's supposed to be a time of joy and peace and celebration. Happy. Happy. Not. I am struggling. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to do anything. I am barely functioning at work and at home. I am sleeping way too much. I am eating way too little. I am losing weight. I've not put up a single decoration. I just want the holidays to be over. A part of me would just like my life to be over. In some ways I feel as if my life is already over. Family and friends ask me how I am doing, and I say, "great." Yeah, right. And did I mention I am obsessing about drinking. I want that feeling of warmth and comfort and relaxation. I am not going to kill myself. I just want the pain to go away. I am asking where is the meaning? where is the purpose of my life? I know I am depressed. I know alcohol is a depressant -- that to drink would just make my existing depression that much worse. The joy of life is gone. I feel as if I am just existing day to day. I pray for God's help -- to shine a light into the dark night of my soul. So tell me, how do turn this around? How do I get the joy/the spark of living back? Susan
I, like yourself, have suffered depression and seen many many psychologist. I have tried meds too. I have tried church. I have tried adding a boyfriend to make things right. I have tried EVERYTHING conceivable. My depression stemmed a lot from feeling alone, like I don't belong, like I don't have anyone to hang out with that I truly understand or relate to.
I started going to AA meetings a few weeks ago and it has lifted a great ammount of my depression. Why? Because I have people who care about my well being there. And because I feel like it's a step in the right direction to help remedy my addiction to alcohol. Because when others in the room speak and share - I relate to what they are saying and this makes me feel like I belong.
It took me a long time to go to AA and I was never sure about it like some people on SR. But I will say the program is not just a program to me. It is a medication which works two-fold for me, 1 for my alcoholism, 2 for my lonliness/isolation/depression.
I am not a doctor but I am just sharing what worked for me.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
The holidays are sorely over rated. The Cleaver Family is long gone....and for that, I'm glad.
It's what you make it. Last year I barely put a decoration up....couldn't wait for all of it to end. This year....not so much. I'm even thinking of cooking a prime rib. Maybe. But, if I don't, I don't.
I've taught myself to not make a big deal of it. Take it as it comes.
If you think you are depressed, see a doc. There is help.
It's what you make it. Last year I barely put a decoration up....couldn't wait for all of it to end. This year....not so much. I'm even thinking of cooking a prime rib. Maybe. But, if I don't, I don't.
I've taught myself to not make a big deal of it. Take it as it comes.
If you think you are depressed, see a doc. There is help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
I have these pictures of Christmas as a "Norman Rockwell" painting. Picture perfect. It's not. The holidays bring out all the family dynamics, some not so healthy and not so functional. And of course there are all sorts of expectations attached. I love my family and there is a reason I live four hours away. I do go to church and find it a source of solace and strength. I am actually looking forward to Christmas eve mass. Maybe I should go to daily mass to get each day started off in the right frame of mind.
What I have been saying to myself about drinking is that if I think things are "bad" now, go ahead and drink and I'll make things even worse. There is no problem a drink can't make worse. That seems to help. I have been avoiding grocery shopping -- that's where I would buy my wine -- so that I am not tempted. I am eating from my pantry and freezer because I have no food in my refrigerator. Sounds pathetic, I know. I can't avoid the grocery store forever, but I can wait until I am in a better place emotionally.
About AA: I have such mixed feelings about AA. I hate the thought that I "need" AA to stay sober -- that if I don't go to AA meetings I will drink/relapse. I hate the thought that I "need" to go to meetings for the rest of my life. It seems to be replacing one addiction (alcohol) with another (AA). I don't want my life to revolve around going to meetings. In the past, I have had 7 years sobriety with AA and 6 years sobriety without AA. I relapsed because I didn't fully accept that I was/am an alcoholic.
I imagine I've just kicked a hornet's nest with my comments about AA, but that is how I truly feel. [Ironically, I've probably replaced AA with SR. I certainly spend enough time reading the posts and stories on this site.] It's not that AA is a bad thing -- it isn't. It's that I don't want to feel "dependent" upon something for my sobriety. I would like to be stronger than that. I want to think of myself as stronger than that. Please, I don't mean my comments as an insult to those who choose AA as their program.
What I find upsetting is that the recurrent pattern is isolation. When I was drinking I was isolating. I drank alone, in the closet, so to speak. Now I am still isolating, only now it is because of depression. Sleep has become "my alcohol", my escape. Same behavior, different reason. It feels as if not much has changed. I wonder if all along I was self-medicating with alcohol an underlying (untreated) depression. I guess the good news is that I don't have to figure this out on my own; I'll have my MD's help.
Anyway, enough of my rambling for now. Susan
What I have been saying to myself about drinking is that if I think things are "bad" now, go ahead and drink and I'll make things even worse. There is no problem a drink can't make worse. That seems to help. I have been avoiding grocery shopping -- that's where I would buy my wine -- so that I am not tempted. I am eating from my pantry and freezer because I have no food in my refrigerator. Sounds pathetic, I know. I can't avoid the grocery store forever, but I can wait until I am in a better place emotionally.
About AA: I have such mixed feelings about AA. I hate the thought that I "need" AA to stay sober -- that if I don't go to AA meetings I will drink/relapse. I hate the thought that I "need" to go to meetings for the rest of my life. It seems to be replacing one addiction (alcohol) with another (AA). I don't want my life to revolve around going to meetings. In the past, I have had 7 years sobriety with AA and 6 years sobriety without AA. I relapsed because I didn't fully accept that I was/am an alcoholic.
I imagine I've just kicked a hornet's nest with my comments about AA, but that is how I truly feel. [Ironically, I've probably replaced AA with SR. I certainly spend enough time reading the posts and stories on this site.] It's not that AA is a bad thing -- it isn't. It's that I don't want to feel "dependent" upon something for my sobriety. I would like to be stronger than that. I want to think of myself as stronger than that. Please, I don't mean my comments as an insult to those who choose AA as their program.
What I find upsetting is that the recurrent pattern is isolation. When I was drinking I was isolating. I drank alone, in the closet, so to speak. Now I am still isolating, only now it is because of depression. Sleep has become "my alcohol", my escape. Same behavior, different reason. It feels as if not much has changed. I wonder if all along I was self-medicating with alcohol an underlying (untreated) depression. I guess the good news is that I don't have to figure this out on my own; I'll have my MD's help.
Anyway, enough of my rambling for now. Susan
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hi Susan. I can relate to what you say about AA there, certainly from when i was still early in sobriety. What I will say is that I stayed sober without meetings for many months. So when I hear stuff like "no meetings, no chance" then i know that doesn't apply 100% to myself. However I use SR daily and most at AA use AA as there sole contact with other alkies. I know for sure that if I stopped working my recovery daily and being in contact with other alkies then it wouldn't be long before my thinking was back to the old alkie ways.
I found with time sober and good recovery then I knew what worked for me and didn't let the comments from certain AA members bother me, I knew what to say to them to shut them up and get back looking after their own recovery. The majority only mean well though.
Ultimately I do what is best for me and with time and feeling good I could evaluate what that is, I'm always willing to change or adapt though as more is revealed.
All The best
I found with time sober and good recovery then I knew what worked for me and didn't let the comments from certain AA members bother me, I knew what to say to them to shut them up and get back looking after their own recovery. The majority only mean well though.
Ultimately I do what is best for me and with time and feeling good I could evaluate what that is, I'm always willing to change or adapt though as more is revealed.
All The best
Avenger of my liver
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 101
Wow, I'm surprised no one mentioned SAD (seasonal affective disorder) lights. These lights emit a full spectrum light to match that of the sun. My friend had one that would gradually brighten to mimic the sunrise and loved it during the winter and it also replicated the sun setting as well. You can also buy ones a little larger to put in your living room. You can buy portable and desk SAD lights as well.
The only drawback is the price. They range anywhere from $80 on up to $300
The only drawback is the price. They range anywhere from $80 on up to $300
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 228
Originally Posted by susanlauren
I have these pictures of Christmas as a "Norman Rockwell" painting. Picture perfect. It's not. The holidays bring out all the family dynamics, some not so healthy and not so functional. And of course there are all sorts of expectations attached. I love my family and there is a reason I live four hours away. I do go to church and find it a source of solace and strength. I am actually looking forward to Christmas eve mass. Maybe I should go to daily mass to get each day started off in the right frame of mind.
What I have been saying to myself about drinking is that if I think things are "bad" now, go ahead and drink and I'll make things even worse. There is no problem a drink can't make worse. That seems to help. I have been avoiding grocery shopping -- that's where I would buy my wine -- so that I am not tempted. I am eating from my pantry and freezer because I have no food in my refrigerator. Sounds pathetic, I know. I can't avoid the grocery store forever, but I can wait until I am in a better place emotionally.
About AA: I have such mixed feelings about AA. I hate the thought that I "need" AA to stay sober -- that if I don't go to AA meetings I will drink/relapse. I hate the thought that I "need" to go to meetings for the rest of my life. It seems to be replacing one addiction (alcohol) with another (AA). I don't want my life to revolve around going to meetings. In the past, I have had 7 years sobriety with AA and 6 years sobriety without AA. I relapsed because I didn't fully accept that I was/am an alcoholic.
I imagine I've just kicked a hornet's nest with my comments about AA, but that is how I truly feel. [Ironically, I've probably replaced AA with SR. I certainly spend enough time reading the posts and stories on this site.] It's not that AA is a bad thing -- it isn't. It's that I don't want to feel "dependent" upon something for my sobriety. I would like to be stronger than that. I want to think of myself as stronger than that. Please, I don't mean my comments as an insult to those who choose AA as their program.
What I find upsetting is that the recurrent pattern is isolation. When I was drinking I was isolating. I drank alone, in the closet, so to speak. Now I am still isolating, only now it is because of depression. Sleep has become "my alcohol", my escape. Same behavior, different reason. It feels as if not much has changed. I wonder if all along I was self-medicating with alcohol an underlying (untreated) depression. I guess the good news is that I don't have to figure this out on my own; I'll have my MD's help.
Anyway, enough of my rambling for now. Susan
What I have been saying to myself about drinking is that if I think things are "bad" now, go ahead and drink and I'll make things even worse. There is no problem a drink can't make worse. That seems to help. I have been avoiding grocery shopping -- that's where I would buy my wine -- so that I am not tempted. I am eating from my pantry and freezer because I have no food in my refrigerator. Sounds pathetic, I know. I can't avoid the grocery store forever, but I can wait until I am in a better place emotionally.
About AA: I have such mixed feelings about AA. I hate the thought that I "need" AA to stay sober -- that if I don't go to AA meetings I will drink/relapse. I hate the thought that I "need" to go to meetings for the rest of my life. It seems to be replacing one addiction (alcohol) with another (AA). I don't want my life to revolve around going to meetings. In the past, I have had 7 years sobriety with AA and 6 years sobriety without AA. I relapsed because I didn't fully accept that I was/am an alcoholic.
I imagine I've just kicked a hornet's nest with my comments about AA, but that is how I truly feel. [Ironically, I've probably replaced AA with SR. I certainly spend enough time reading the posts and stories on this site.] It's not that AA is a bad thing -- it isn't. It's that I don't want to feel "dependent" upon something for my sobriety. I would like to be stronger than that. I want to think of myself as stronger than that. Please, I don't mean my comments as an insult to those who choose AA as their program.
What I find upsetting is that the recurrent pattern is isolation. When I was drinking I was isolating. I drank alone, in the closet, so to speak. Now I am still isolating, only now it is because of depression. Sleep has become "my alcohol", my escape. Same behavior, different reason. It feels as if not much has changed. I wonder if all along I was self-medicating with alcohol an underlying (untreated) depression. I guess the good news is that I don't have to figure this out on my own; I'll have my MD's help.
Anyway, enough of my rambling for now. Susan
I agree with you 100% about AA and not wanting to have it as a replacement addiction. I am not quite sober a month and going just to get over the hurdle of the beginning of my sobriety. I too do not want to go to AA for the rest of my life and don't plan on it! I also love SR but don't plan on coming here for the rest of my life either. They are both tools I am opting for now... and God willing my alcoholism and depression will subside.
Best of luck with your holiday blues!
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