Self-pity, lack of gratitude, the alkie mind...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Well, I don't know to whom you lashed out, but I think you probably needed to have an outburst.
If you haven't looked into it yet, you can see what's out there online and add that to your in-person interactions. I suppose it's worth being mindful of the fact that it's easy to over-invest emotionally in the online context too; in other words, you can prevent disappointment and frustration by remembering not to count too much on things working out.
What you said about having a rough time handling many things at once is very familiar to me, I think about that too. I find myself allowing more time to take it easy, but I think I should be pushing myself to do more too, so that I keep building emotional muscle.
Do you think about what kind of impact you can have on people in person, outside of the relationship stuff? Like people closer to your age who are recovering? Or is that not your thing? And I suppose there aren't many people where you live who are on that path, by the sounds of it.
I've rambled before about how time moves more slowly at 20 than at 40, so I don't have to go over that again. It won't solve much in an immediate sense for you. The influx of "boredom" though is also what has been so valuable for you, and I know you see it. You stopped young enough that you could make some serious changes for the better. you're just figuring out how to adjust as you go. I was just barely starting to create problems for myself with the life-denying activity when I was your age. You presumably won't have to go through what others did (like me) later on in life because of what you're doing now. It just sucks for now at times. I have my own boredom equation to figure out, but I am more tolerant of it than you, I would think.
Romance (finding someone) has a bit of serendipity to it sometimes.
As much as I would like you to find someone soon and ultimately/ideally the right special person too (assuming there's only one!), I would also like to point out that a person does not become complete through a relationship partner. A relationship is two separate people, complete on their own, that come together. Somehow I didn't internailze that as I was getting older, and it was a problem for me. Not sure where you stand on that front, but I've said it for both of us in case.
I suppose you could try to approach it the same way as you do your daily life as a revived person (no longer drinking and no longer doing drugs and eradicating the person we see a bit of here). Create options and increase the odds of that person surfacing, just for today. Or have you already looked at it in that way?
If you haven't looked into it yet, you can see what's out there online and add that to your in-person interactions. I suppose it's worth being mindful of the fact that it's easy to over-invest emotionally in the online context too; in other words, you can prevent disappointment and frustration by remembering not to count too much on things working out.
What you said about having a rough time handling many things at once is very familiar to me, I think about that too. I find myself allowing more time to take it easy, but I think I should be pushing myself to do more too, so that I keep building emotional muscle.
Do you think about what kind of impact you can have on people in person, outside of the relationship stuff? Like people closer to your age who are recovering? Or is that not your thing? And I suppose there aren't many people where you live who are on that path, by the sounds of it.
I've rambled before about how time moves more slowly at 20 than at 40, so I don't have to go over that again. It won't solve much in an immediate sense for you. The influx of "boredom" though is also what has been so valuable for you, and I know you see it. You stopped young enough that you could make some serious changes for the better. you're just figuring out how to adjust as you go. I was just barely starting to create problems for myself with the life-denying activity when I was your age. You presumably won't have to go through what others did (like me) later on in life because of what you're doing now. It just sucks for now at times. I have my own boredom equation to figure out, but I am more tolerant of it than you, I would think.
Romance (finding someone) has a bit of serendipity to it sometimes.
As much as I would like you to find someone soon and ultimately/ideally the right special person too (assuming there's only one!), I would also like to point out that a person does not become complete through a relationship partner. A relationship is two separate people, complete on their own, that come together. Somehow I didn't internailze that as I was getting older, and it was a problem for me. Not sure where you stand on that front, but I've said it for both of us in case.
I suppose you could try to approach it the same way as you do your daily life as a revived person (no longer drinking and no longer doing drugs and eradicating the person we see a bit of here). Create options and increase the odds of that person surfacing, just for today. Or have you already looked at it in that way?
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Hey, Neo. I've written and deleted half a dozen things to you.....and I just want to say....being 24 and being smart enough to let go of the drugs and alcohol is just huge.
A relationship WILL happen for you...we just don't have the luxury of knowing where and when. I would just ask you to keep doing exactly what you are doing.
And......blowing up every now and again is probably good for you.
Sheesh, Neo. I think you're my kid. And as my kid....I'd tell you that you are so awesome...and thanks for being part of my SR life.
A relationship WILL happen for you...we just don't have the luxury of knowing where and when. I would just ask you to keep doing exactly what you are doing.
And......blowing up every now and again is probably good for you.
Sheesh, Neo. I think you're my kid. And as my kid....I'd tell you that you are so awesome...and thanks for being part of my SR life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,945
Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST 
Just a quick post to outline the crucial importance of recognising self-pity and lack of gratitude when it strikes. It can strike quickly too, it struck me quickly today. I know why and I can easily rationalise it as being perfectly reaonable too. Sometimes I can just get frustrated and seem like my life moves too slowly and is boring compared to other's. Again comparison ain't no good for anybody.
When self-pity creeps in to my thinking then I can easily think about my old pals who i used to get wrecked with. I can think about how I will never be able to take my favourite drugs like ecstacy and acid ever again. I can think about how I can't ever cut loose with booze and drugs and music and can start to to get a tad uncomfortable. I can think about how much I loved taking drugs at somebody's house for entertainment. I loved the psychedelia and all that so just cause I don't take drugs anymore doesn't mean I don't still love it.
i can feel it's a shame to deny myself those experiences at 24, afterall to me I love them so much, easier and less hassle.
Just because I'm an alcoholic and addict doesn't mean that I gave drugs and booze up because I didn't relate to parties, clubbing, pubs and generally the chemical generation. That was where I felt most at home and I can easily think that it's a shame that I can't do that again.
I guess it's the time of year creeping in too. Sometimes I can think that I could make the most of the upcoming month off during xmas and the new year and just go out and get wrecked.
I ain't going to of course, and in fact I ain't in a bad place at all, merely expressing what can run around my alkie head during an hour drive home.
It's easy to get annoyed about AA, meetings and recovery in general when the gratitude and self-pity creeps again. I guess it's the nature of the beast.
One day things will work out hopefully. I guess there's always a 24/7 drunk if all else fails which is something to look forward to I guess. Like I say insane alkie thinking can flash through my mind at times.
peace
When self-pity creeps in to my thinking then I can easily think about my old pals who i used to get wrecked with. I can think about how I will never be able to take my favourite drugs like ecstacy and acid ever again. I can think about how I can't ever cut loose with booze and drugs and music and can start to to get a tad uncomfortable. I can think about how much I loved taking drugs at somebody's house for entertainment. I loved the psychedelia and all that so just cause I don't take drugs anymore doesn't mean I don't still love it.
i can feel it's a shame to deny myself those experiences at 24, afterall to me I love them so much, easier and less hassle.
Just because I'm an alcoholic and addict doesn't mean that I gave drugs and booze up because I didn't relate to parties, clubbing, pubs and generally the chemical generation. That was where I felt most at home and I can easily think that it's a shame that I can't do that again.
I guess it's the time of year creeping in too. Sometimes I can think that I could make the most of the upcoming month off during xmas and the new year and just go out and get wrecked.
I ain't going to of course, and in fact I ain't in a bad place at all, merely expressing what can run around my alkie head during an hour drive home.
It's easy to get annoyed about AA, meetings and recovery in general when the gratitude and self-pity creeps again. I guess it's the nature of the beast.
One day things will work out hopefully. I guess there's always a 24/7 drunk if all else fails which is something to look forward to I guess. Like I say insane alkie thinking can flash through my mind at times.
peace
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Neo - how ya doing today?
I want back through and re-read this entire post and there is some good shyte in here. I'm sorry it came at your expense, but you're helping others just be being truthful on here.
Let us know how today is for you please.
I want back through and re-read this entire post and there is some good shyte in here. I'm sorry it came at your expense, but you're helping others just be being truthful on here.
Let us know how today is for you please.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Thanks for the updated posts and thanks for caring so much. I can't explain how much calmer I feel after reading these posts when I just got back after my drive home.
The internal dialogue in my head on the drive home was pretty fierce again and some of the thoughts are so ridiculous that I even had to smile, I literally made myself laugh at one point as my head was running around with some crazy ideas. I am glad that I made my life with zero "boltholes" (Love that quote from Dee!) to run down whatsoever. That makes my mind come up with even more ridiculous flashes of thought. I ain't going to act on them though and it's just a sign of being way, way off 'balance'.
You won't believe how reading these posts have calmed my mind down and totally eradicated that hard to describe feeling of isolation from people, even though you appear to interact well probably in most peoples eyes. It's so hard to describe but the feeling is one that I used to drink over, but not today!! Also my thoughts and thinking were way into the future and that was getting me depressed. Just reading these posts has got my thinking back into the present and today.
Alcoholism and addiction sure is insidious. I know without doubt I'm an alcoholic and addict, most people will not have these types of ridiculous intenal dialogues/battles racing round their head when they are feeling negative emotions. My thoughs are that of an alcoholic and it reminds me that I'm alcoholic, when I try to even conceive of any form of control or moderation my mind cannot comprehend that and it makes me laugh if anything.
Thanks so much for all of the posts, and especially to the posts I have read today when I got in (I won't name the posters names) but I'm sure you know who you are and I thank you so much for caring for me and for checking up on me. It really makes me feel better about things and well, just thank you.
Peace
The internal dialogue in my head on the drive home was pretty fierce again and some of the thoughts are so ridiculous that I even had to smile, I literally made myself laugh at one point as my head was running around with some crazy ideas. I am glad that I made my life with zero "boltholes" (Love that quote from Dee!) to run down whatsoever. That makes my mind come up with even more ridiculous flashes of thought. I ain't going to act on them though and it's just a sign of being way, way off 'balance'.
You won't believe how reading these posts have calmed my mind down and totally eradicated that hard to describe feeling of isolation from people, even though you appear to interact well probably in most peoples eyes. It's so hard to describe but the feeling is one that I used to drink over, but not today!! Also my thoughts and thinking were way into the future and that was getting me depressed. Just reading these posts has got my thinking back into the present and today.
Alcoholism and addiction sure is insidious. I know without doubt I'm an alcoholic and addict, most people will not have these types of ridiculous intenal dialogues/battles racing round their head when they are feeling negative emotions. My thoughs are that of an alcoholic and it reminds me that I'm alcoholic, when I try to even conceive of any form of control or moderation my mind cannot comprehend that and it makes me laugh if anything.
Thanks so much for all of the posts, and especially to the posts I have read today when I got in (I won't name the posters names) but I'm sure you know who you are and I thank you so much for caring for me and for checking up on me. It really makes me feel better about things and well, just thank you.
Peace
2nd chance at a 1st cl*** life
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 492
How you telling today Neo, hope all is well for you.
I just wanted to comment on all the love I've found on this website. It's amazing how we drunks/addicts can gather like this and actually empathize with each other. I know when I was out there rippin and runnin I wouldn't have given a crap about any of you. But now I no longer think like that. I actually care about my fellows and want to reach my hand out and help how ever I can. When I first walked into the rooms I had no idea what was meant in the promises when it says "we will be amazed before we are halfway through". I think I kinda got an idea now.
I just wanted to comment on all the love I've found on this website. It's amazing how we drunks/addicts can gather like this and actually empathize with each other. I know when I was out there rippin and runnin I wouldn't have given a crap about any of you. But now I no longer think like that. I actually care about my fellows and want to reach my hand out and help how ever I can. When I first walked into the rooms I had no idea what was meant in the promises when it says "we will be amazed before we are halfway through". I think I kinda got an idea now.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Just an update. I went to my local AA meeting tonight and I am feeling so much better. I feel at lot more at peace, content with my path and also have that feeling of hope and that everything feels like it will work itself out in the end. I have got gratitude back and like I say, when the gratitude slips then that's the time to reach out as when the self-pity sets in then the alkie mind can run riot.
I must say a massive thanks to SR. I'l be truthful here and say that when I left the lecture today I could feel that loneliness and hard to describe feeling that I used to drink over welling up. Almost like that tortured person who didn't know what quite felt missing but alcohol and drugs and the whole environment/scene used to make it go away for a while. I have to walk through a park and there are lots of benches and I used to do a lot of drinking on park benches alone for the last 6 months of my drinking. When I feel that loneliness then I can almost romanticise the bench and 8 cans at my feet and feeling lost and torured.
I can recall many times towards the end of my drinking where I would go to city pubs alone and just sit for hours people watching outside of the window as all of the people went about their business shopping and stuff. I would feel a loneliness and sense of feeling different to most normal people somehow, I would get more and more drunk and also do coke in the toilet if I had any. That strange feeling is so hard to describe but I guess it's related to not understanding people and the world in general sometimes and feeling lost in my own mind.
I must say that when I read the posts when i got home then I felt a calmness and peaceful clarity set about my mind. I looked forward to the meeting and accepted that's where I needed to be. I am feeling strong now and feel focussed and clear about the reality of my situation. I have to stop being so hard on myself and the positive feedback and praise I get at AA really is fantastic. I can overlook compliments and stuff often and sometimes find it hard to take on board people saying good stuff, but i have to embrace it and I intend to. It takes a long time to build trust with certain people at AA but I think that I am gaining more trust towards a select few who i know i can ring if I ever need to, and that's comforting to know too.
I think it's crucial to just keep it simple and keep it in the moment/day as much as possible. I know that when my head races into the future then my problems really start and negative, depressive thinking hits.
It was painful last night but I am glad I shared honestly and if I didn't reach out to SR when I was in emotional pain then I don't think I would be able to cope.
Thanks again SR, Peace
I must say a massive thanks to SR. I'l be truthful here and say that when I left the lecture today I could feel that loneliness and hard to describe feeling that I used to drink over welling up. Almost like that tortured person who didn't know what quite felt missing but alcohol and drugs and the whole environment/scene used to make it go away for a while. I have to walk through a park and there are lots of benches and I used to do a lot of drinking on park benches alone for the last 6 months of my drinking. When I feel that loneliness then I can almost romanticise the bench and 8 cans at my feet and feeling lost and torured.
I can recall many times towards the end of my drinking where I would go to city pubs alone and just sit for hours people watching outside of the window as all of the people went about their business shopping and stuff. I would feel a loneliness and sense of feeling different to most normal people somehow, I would get more and more drunk and also do coke in the toilet if I had any. That strange feeling is so hard to describe but I guess it's related to not understanding people and the world in general sometimes and feeling lost in my own mind.
I must say that when I read the posts when i got home then I felt a calmness and peaceful clarity set about my mind. I looked forward to the meeting and accepted that's where I needed to be. I am feeling strong now and feel focussed and clear about the reality of my situation. I have to stop being so hard on myself and the positive feedback and praise I get at AA really is fantastic. I can overlook compliments and stuff often and sometimes find it hard to take on board people saying good stuff, but i have to embrace it and I intend to. It takes a long time to build trust with certain people at AA but I think that I am gaining more trust towards a select few who i know i can ring if I ever need to, and that's comforting to know too.
I think it's crucial to just keep it simple and keep it in the moment/day as much as possible. I know that when my head races into the future then my problems really start and negative, depressive thinking hits.
It was painful last night but I am glad I shared honestly and if I didn't reach out to SR when I was in emotional pain then I don't think I would be able to cope.
Thanks again SR, Peace
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST
Just a quick post to outline the crucial importance of recognising self-pity and lack of gratitude when it strikes. It can strike quickly too, it struck me quickly today. I know why and I can easily rationalise it as being perfectly reaonable too. Sometimes I can just get frustrated and seem like my life moves too slowly and is boring compared to other's. Again comparison ain't no good for anybody.
When self-pity creeps in to my thinking then I can easily think about my old pals who i used to get wrecked with. I can think about how I will never be able to take my favourite drugs like ecstacy and acid ever again. I can think about how I can't ever cut loose with booze and drugs and music and can start to to get a tad uncomfortable. I can think about how much I loved taking drugs at somebody's house for entertainment. I loved the psychedelia and all that so just cause I don't take drugs anymore doesn't mean I don't still love it.
i can feel it's a shame to deny myself those experiences at 24, afterall to me I love them so much, easier and less hassle.
Just because I'm an alcoholic and addict doesn't mean that I gave drugs and booze up because I didn't relate to parties, clubbing, pubs and generally the chemical generation. That was where I felt most at home and I can easily think that it's a shame that I can't do that again.
I guess it's the time of year creeping in too. Sometimes I can think that I could make the most of the upcoming month off during xmas and the new year and just go out and get wrecked.
I ain't going to of course, and in fact I ain't in a bad place at all, merely expressing what can run around my alkie head during an hour drive home.
It's easy to get annoyed about AA, meetings and recovery in general when the gratitude and self-pity creeps again. I guess it's the nature of the beast.
One day things will work out hopefully. I guess there's always a 24/7 drunk if all else fails which is something to look forward to I guess. Like I say insane alkie thinking can flash through my mind at times.
peace
When self-pity creeps in to my thinking then I can easily think about my old pals who i used to get wrecked with. I can think about how I will never be able to take my favourite drugs like ecstacy and acid ever again. I can think about how I can't ever cut loose with booze and drugs and music and can start to to get a tad uncomfortable. I can think about how much I loved taking drugs at somebody's house for entertainment. I loved the psychedelia and all that so just cause I don't take drugs anymore doesn't mean I don't still love it.
i can feel it's a shame to deny myself those experiences at 24, afterall to me I love them so much, easier and less hassle.
Just because I'm an alcoholic and addict doesn't mean that I gave drugs and booze up because I didn't relate to parties, clubbing, pubs and generally the chemical generation. That was where I felt most at home and I can easily think that it's a shame that I can't do that again.
I guess it's the time of year creeping in too. Sometimes I can think that I could make the most of the upcoming month off during xmas and the new year and just go out and get wrecked.
I ain't going to of course, and in fact I ain't in a bad place at all, merely expressing what can run around my alkie head during an hour drive home.
It's easy to get annoyed about AA, meetings and recovery in general when the gratitude and self-pity creeps again. I guess it's the nature of the beast.
One day things will work out hopefully. I guess there's always a 24/7 drunk if all else fails which is something to look forward to I guess. Like I say insane alkie thinking can flash through my mind at times.
peace
Robby
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hey Robby, thanks man!
Man, I felt great this morning and so calm. I was up at 7.55am to go to work for 4 hours and I felt great. I don't feel stressed and I am going to go and start my essay now and do my reading and then dedicate this weekend to trying to make good inroads into my essay. I feel positive and my mind is happy to stay in the present moment and isn't looking to race around and think about other things which do nothing but cause me anxiety but achieve nothing.
Somebody at work today commented how they love it when I'm in at work as I "bring a sense of serenity" to the team!! How amzing is that!! How coincidental that they used the word serenity and I was just smiling to myself and felt like, man, this recovery must really be working!! Thanks SR and thanks AA!!!
Reaching out is crucial for me, and I'm so grateful for having SR to enable me to get an oppurtunity to do this. The rewards are so worth it and I was wondering today what I was worrying about and I was feeling proud of what I have achieved and am doing. My thinking is firmly back in the day and happy to stay there and this brings such a sense of peace and calmness to my thinking and feeling, just a warm, nice feeling and it's so different to what I was feeling only a day or two ago.
I'm an alcoholic and addict and that's fine with me. I love to have that warm sense of gratitude when i say that and today I feel it again, and I am just so grateful for that.
Thanks again.
peace
Man, I felt great this morning and so calm. I was up at 7.55am to go to work for 4 hours and I felt great. I don't feel stressed and I am going to go and start my essay now and do my reading and then dedicate this weekend to trying to make good inroads into my essay. I feel positive and my mind is happy to stay in the present moment and isn't looking to race around and think about other things which do nothing but cause me anxiety but achieve nothing.
Somebody at work today commented how they love it when I'm in at work as I "bring a sense of serenity" to the team!! How amzing is that!! How coincidental that they used the word serenity and I was just smiling to myself and felt like, man, this recovery must really be working!! Thanks SR and thanks AA!!!
Reaching out is crucial for me, and I'm so grateful for having SR to enable me to get an oppurtunity to do this. The rewards are so worth it and I was wondering today what I was worrying about and I was feeling proud of what I have achieved and am doing. My thinking is firmly back in the day and happy to stay there and this brings such a sense of peace and calmness to my thinking and feeling, just a warm, nice feeling and it's so different to what I was feeling only a day or two ago.
I'm an alcoholic and addict and that's fine with me. I love to have that warm sense of gratitude when i say that and today I feel it again, and I am just so grateful for that.
Thanks again.
peace
2nd chance at a 1st cl*** life
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 492
You know it's funny, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm an alkie and addict either. I find it very amusing when I have to tell someone that I am in fact an alkie/addict and they give me that funny look. A few of my close friends are normies and they tend to like to entertain, ie have a lot of bbq's and such. I still go and hang out with them cuz they respect and support my decision to not drink and use anymore, and I have to honestly say that I love them more for that. But occasionally there will be someone there that I don't know, and for the most part my buds will warn everyone not to even bother offering me any booze or pot. But hey sometimes people forget and there will always be one guy going to fetch a brew and will ask if I want one. This is the funny part because I'll tell them "no thank you, I'm an alcoholic and I don't drink". The look on their face when I say that is hilarious cause they usually don't catch for a few seconds. But they'll say "wait a minute, you say you're an alkie but you don't drink. How is that even possible? It doesn't make sence". Then I just explain to them that I'm in recovery and I found a better way to live my life. Usually they understand and just say "that's cool". I sort of enjoy it since I get to get a laugh out of it, especially when they have that dumbfounded look of confusion. I gotta say though I love this program and the sense of gratitude I get everyday living sober.
31/10/10
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 241
Lovely thread Neo and all. I agree, reading here and going to AA meetings is the best tool to keep me focused and calm. I haven't turned into a perfect person over night - au contraire - I'm self-obsessed as never before, thinking about my alcoholism and sobriety every waking minute. But, I think this is what I need to do now - I need to take this seriously and give it my best shot.
So many "I"s in this post - I'll end it.
vee
So many "I"s in this post - I'll end it.
vee
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