Self-pity, lack of gratitude, the alkie mind...
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Self-pity, lack of gratitude, the alkie mind...
Just a quick post to outline the crucial importance of recognising self-pity and lack of gratitude when it strikes. It can strike quickly too, it struck me quickly today. I know why and I can easily rationalise it as being perfectly reaonable too. Sometimes I can just get frustrated and seem like my life moves too slowly and is boring compared to other's. Again comparison ain't no good for anybody.
When self-pity creeps in to my thinking then I can easily think about my old pals who i used to get wrecked with. I can think about how I will never be able to take my favourite drugs like ecstacy and acid ever again. I can think about how I can't ever cut loose with booze and drugs and music and can start to to get a tad uncomfortable. I can think about how much I loved taking drugs at somebody's house for entertainment. I loved the psychedelia and all that so just cause I don't take drugs anymore doesn't mean I don't still love it.
i can feel it's a shame to deny myself those experiences at 24, afterall to me I love them so much, easier and less hassle.
Just because I'm an alcoholic and addict doesn't mean that I gave drugs and booze up because I didn't relate to parties, clubbing, pubs and generally the chemical generation. That was where I felt most at home and I can easily think that it's a shame that I can't do that again.
I guess it's the time of year creeping in too. Sometimes I can think that I could make the most of the upcoming month off during xmas and the new year and just go out and get wrecked.
I ain't going to of course, and in fact I ain't in a bad place at all, merely expressing what can run around my alkie head during an hour drive home.
It's easy to get annoyed about AA, meetings and recovery in general when the gratitude and self-pity creeps again. I guess it's the nature of the beast.
One day things will work out hopefully. I guess there's always a 24/7 drunk if all else fails which is something to look forward to I guess. Like I say insane alkie thinking can flash through my mind at times.
peace
When self-pity creeps in to my thinking then I can easily think about my old pals who i used to get wrecked with. I can think about how I will never be able to take my favourite drugs like ecstacy and acid ever again. I can think about how I can't ever cut loose with booze and drugs and music and can start to to get a tad uncomfortable. I can think about how much I loved taking drugs at somebody's house for entertainment. I loved the psychedelia and all that so just cause I don't take drugs anymore doesn't mean I don't still love it.
i can feel it's a shame to deny myself those experiences at 24, afterall to me I love them so much, easier and less hassle.
Just because I'm an alcoholic and addict doesn't mean that I gave drugs and booze up because I didn't relate to parties, clubbing, pubs and generally the chemical generation. That was where I felt most at home and I can easily think that it's a shame that I can't do that again.
I guess it's the time of year creeping in too. Sometimes I can think that I could make the most of the upcoming month off during xmas and the new year and just go out and get wrecked.
I ain't going to of course, and in fact I ain't in a bad place at all, merely expressing what can run around my alkie head during an hour drive home.
It's easy to get annoyed about AA, meetings and recovery in general when the gratitude and self-pity creeps again. I guess it's the nature of the beast.
One day things will work out hopefully. I guess there's always a 24/7 drunk if all else fails which is something to look forward to I guess. Like I say insane alkie thinking can flash through my mind at times.
peace
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
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Self-pity, lack of gratitude
All that gratitude in my head takes up the space that used to be occupied with misery and doubt and self hatred. Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
I know that to be true too least and I agree with you. But you can't be grateful all the time and when that gratitude slips then that's where the real hard work starts. The majority of my recovery is spent with much gratitude but sometimes certain things can just get to me and I think that it's OK as well and only to be expected to be honest. Joe public doesn't give a stuff but I have to...
I go to AA on a Friday night and most other nights and that's Ok. But it can do your head in at brief times at 24. I think it's crucial for me to be honest too. It's easy to miss the sense of the 'party'. I'm 24 man.
Peace
I go to AA on a Friday night and most other nights and that's Ok. But it can do your head in at brief times at 24. I think it's crucial for me to be honest too. It's easy to miss the sense of the 'party'. I'm 24 man.
Peace
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Same stuff hits me Neo. Heck, just reading your post and seeing "ecstasy" "club" "music" and "feeling at home" took me right back to those days....
I had to get honest about missing my old life. I wouldn't recommend broadcasting it at a meeting cuz you'll get about a dozen ppl to run up to save you.... but you need to talk about that stuff - preferably with a sponsor. Get honest with them in person (like u did here). We're only as sick as our secrets, right? I can't afford to be sick for long....cuz if I am, I know where I'll be going - right back out.
I say it all the time but I'll say it again.... Nothing ensures our sobriety like intensive work with other alcoholics. Sometimes, I get on that pity pot (almost alllllllways over missing something I lost or fear that I'm not gonna get something I think I need) and I'll just siiiiiiit there......and resent.......and hate.......and feel sad........get depressed...... and yanno, that's just what I do. I'm powerless over that train of thoughts. I've tried my best to stop them but I usually can't. When I catch myself doing it (.....again
) I thank God for helping me catch myself in the act, say I'm sorry, and right that second go look for someone I can help. Maybe it's call someone in the program, maybe it's a co-worker, maybe it's write a letter to my mom cuz she hasn't heard from me in a bit..... I take some action that forces me to get out of ME and forces me to focus on "them." Frickin works like a charm.
Great topic btw.....
I had to get honest about missing my old life. I wouldn't recommend broadcasting it at a meeting cuz you'll get about a dozen ppl to run up to save you.... but you need to talk about that stuff - preferably with a sponsor. Get honest with them in person (like u did here). We're only as sick as our secrets, right? I can't afford to be sick for long....cuz if I am, I know where I'll be going - right back out.
I say it all the time but I'll say it again.... Nothing ensures our sobriety like intensive work with other alcoholics. Sometimes, I get on that pity pot (almost alllllllways over missing something I lost or fear that I'm not gonna get something I think I need) and I'll just siiiiiiit there......and resent.......and hate.......and feel sad........get depressed...... and yanno, that's just what I do. I'm powerless over that train of thoughts. I've tried my best to stop them but I usually can't. When I catch myself doing it (.....again
) I thank God for helping me catch myself in the act, say I'm sorry, and right that second go look for someone I can help. Maybe it's call someone in the program, maybe it's a co-worker, maybe it's write a letter to my mom cuz she hasn't heard from me in a bit..... I take some action that forces me to get out of ME and forces me to focus on "them." Frickin works like a charm.Great topic btw.....
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
No doubt Neo, no doubt.
I too really enjoyed the music, the drugs, the girls, and the bars. I also enjoyed the whole scene, the "sneakyness" of having a pocket full of (fill in the blank) and doing it in public bathrooms, peoples houses, hoods of cars, or even off female body parts
...but, if we're being honest here, it usually ended up with me and a few dudes, sitting in a room, stuffing our faces with white stuff or whatever. Sometimes it was like a rap video, but really, those times were rare and happened less and less the more we did it.
Also, remember the shame, the selfishness, and the plain ole bs of it all.
Remember how if felt the next day? Or how many lines we did, expecting it to feel like the first few, but it never does. It's all a lie.
Now we live in truth. Sometimes it's painful, awkward, and boring, but at least we can connect the dots.
Thanks for this post. I think it's important for us to remember the truth of it all (good and bad).
I too really enjoyed the music, the drugs, the girls, and the bars. I also enjoyed the whole scene, the "sneakyness" of having a pocket full of (fill in the blank) and doing it in public bathrooms, peoples houses, hoods of cars, or even off female body parts
...but, if we're being honest here, it usually ended up with me and a few dudes, sitting in a room, stuffing our faces with white stuff or whatever. Sometimes it was like a rap video, but really, those times were rare and happened less and less the more we did it.
Also, remember the shame, the selfishness, and the plain ole bs of it all.
Remember how if felt the next day? Or how many lines we did, expecting it to feel like the first few, but it never does. It's all a lie.
Now we live in truth. Sometimes it's painful, awkward, and boring, but at least we can connect the dots.
Thanks for this post. I think it's important for us to remember the truth of it all (good and bad).
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Join Date: May 2009
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Thanks for the post Kjell. I think I remeber you saying ages ago that me and you would have been trouble if we were ever out on a 'session' together back in the day. ha-ha.
Man, I really relate to what you say there mate, especially about the Coke. I was a total Coke head and I really relate to the "sneakyness" that you talk about. I really used to love feeling my pocket and knowing there's a gram or two in there and then racking a phat one up in the toilet and then walking in a room knowing that I'm coming up off the buzz and just feeling buzzing.
I also used to do alot of coke in peoples cars too and I used to really like the madness of it all, I remember the kid I used to buy from driving along with a straw in the baggie doing about 100mph, that crazyness can sometimes seem long gone and occassioanlly it's easy to miss it a little.
But like you say the reality for me was always a couple of hardcore wasters left or usually just myself on my own own in my room dragging it out for days.
I think at times I just need to know that others relate, especially about drugs as well, I think with drugs it can sometimes feel different as for me the experince of taking E's and acid with people was so unique and ain;t so "black and white" as my alcoholism as the very nature of those drugs ain't all bad, in fact it's the fact I know I'd be drinking again which means I can't take them again in many respects.
Anyway I ain't gonna "ramble on" to quote led Zep but rather thank you again for your reply.
peace
Man, I really relate to what you say there mate, especially about the Coke. I was a total Coke head and I really relate to the "sneakyness" that you talk about. I really used to love feeling my pocket and knowing there's a gram or two in there and then racking a phat one up in the toilet and then walking in a room knowing that I'm coming up off the buzz and just feeling buzzing.
I also used to do alot of coke in peoples cars too and I used to really like the madness of it all, I remember the kid I used to buy from driving along with a straw in the baggie doing about 100mph, that crazyness can sometimes seem long gone and occassioanlly it's easy to miss it a little.
But like you say the reality for me was always a couple of hardcore wasters left or usually just myself on my own own in my room dragging it out for days.
I think at times I just need to know that others relate, especially about drugs as well, I think with drugs it can sometimes feel different as for me the experince of taking E's and acid with people was so unique and ain;t so "black and white" as my alcoholism as the very nature of those drugs ain't all bad, in fact it's the fact I know I'd be drinking again which means I can't take them again in many respects.
Anyway I ain't gonna "ramble on" to quote led Zep but rather thank you again for your reply.
peace
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
At first, I was very angry to learn I wasn't unique (or my drug and drinking habits weren't).
...but now, I'm very, very thankful of that fact.
We would have been trouble together Neo and we would have loved every minute of it, but it would (and did) come crashing down.
Now we can be brothers in the true sense of the word. From the same womb of alcoholism and drug addiction.
...and who knows...I go see my family in Norway every few years (hence my screen name - Kjell - my bio Norwegian father's name, who was one of us, but crashed and died at the age of 24...) and I've never been to England. Maybe we can meet up sometime and be solution together (and not trouble).
Ok, now I'm rambling. Just sending you some "man love" You're doing great!
...but now, I'm very, very thankful of that fact.
We would have been trouble together Neo and we would have loved every minute of it, but it would (and did) come crashing down.
Now we can be brothers in the true sense of the word. From the same womb of alcoholism and drug addiction.
...and who knows...I go see my family in Norway every few years (hence my screen name - Kjell - my bio Norwegian father's name, who was one of us, but crashed and died at the age of 24...) and I've never been to England. Maybe we can meet up sometime and be solution together (and not trouble).
Ok, now I'm rambling. Just sending you some "man love"
You're doing great!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 715
Put me down as another who sometimes misses "the scene." Shoot, I spent a quarter of my life there getting wasted, doing really risky things, and generally having an awesome time. I felt free there, felt free for the first time in my life (before it became a cage LOL).
But here's the thing - I don't plan on going back. So nostalgia, self-pity, really won't do me a lot of good. It won't make me feel better today or tomorrow, and every second I waste wallowing in the past, I won't be doing something to better the present or the future.
Tomorrow though I might feel different; part of being young and in college I think.
Thanks for sharing, Neo.
But here's the thing - I don't plan on going back. So nostalgia, self-pity, really won't do me a lot of good. It won't make me feel better today or tomorrow, and every second I waste wallowing in the past, I won't be doing something to better the present or the future.
Tomorrow though I might feel different; part of being young and in college I think.
Thanks for sharing, Neo.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
I missed the scene for a long time - until I realised I was doing what I always did and romanticising it.
For me, I found remembering the consequences as well helped put things in perspective.
Now, I don't miss it - in fact to be frank, for me looking back on it and comparing my life now, that old one largely seems pretty shallow and hollow.
But even now I think about it from time to time, especially if I've been working hard or I've been especially house bound...
I think I know why for me.... as DT alluded to, fear strikes - and I start ludicrous dialogues with opening gambits like what if I never have fun again?
It's funny how my brain can still equate fun with something that nearly killed me.
You're talking it through Neo, and getting it out - you're doing well, mate.
D
For me, I found remembering the consequences as well helped put things in perspective.
Now, I don't miss it - in fact to be frank, for me looking back on it and comparing my life now, that old one largely seems pretty shallow and hollow.
But even now I think about it from time to time, especially if I've been working hard or I've been especially house bound...
I think I know why for me.... as DT alluded to, fear strikes - and I start ludicrous dialogues with opening gambits like what if I never have fun again?
It's funny how my brain can still equate fun with something that nearly killed me.
You're talking it through Neo, and getting it out - you're doing well, mate.
D
2nd chance at a 1st cl*** life
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 492
Just try to get yourself out of that state of mind. I'm notorious for self pity and lack of gratitude. I use to think that I was depressed, then someone burst my bubble and told me to get my a$$ off of the pity pot. The thing is that self pity is pride in reverse. What i mean is that when our own wants and will isn't being met we get down on ourselves and start to play the victom role. You know the whole "poor me, everybody feel sorry for me" mindset. Do your best to get out of it, it will take you out, well it did for me anyways. The last time I relapsed was because I was mad and sad that my wife doesn't want to get back with me still. I felt I was justified for feeling my so called depression, but in reality if I put myself in her shoes I'd feel the same. I wrecked havoc during my drinking and using and put her through a lot of pain. That pain doesn't go away over night. I really don't know if her and i will ever get back together, I pray that we will cause I still love her and miss her like I've never missed anything in my life. Should her and i ever try to rekindle the flames I know it would be far down the road (a few years). This is because it will take time/work for me to change and longer for her to see that change. Just stay in the positive, call someone, go to a meeting just get yourself out of that mind set.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Just had the biggest blowout/argument since I started recovery over 16 months ago. I don't know I just feel so frustrated and p*ssed off about certain things tonight and that erupted. I don't know it just seems like I can just project about things always being the same and boring and that I'm going to be stick like this.
To look at me you would think that I have such a lot going for me I guess. I just don't know how to channel my life and just feel like managing a life keeping my head above water a day at a time seems like all I can cope with. I guess I think I should be doing more and people, especially my parents/family say that I need to be doing stuff with my music to channel my life and meet like minded people. But I just find it all so hard to comprehend and it feels like I can't cope with comprehending doing lots of stuff at the same time.
I am upset tonight that I turned out like this and I just don't want to sit with these uneasy emotion and feelings. I don't want to meditate or pray and the thought of that is just making me question what the hell I'm doing in life.
I've been saying that I would like to drink myself to death so I don't have to feel liek this. I guess it's just unfounded threats as I'm feeling angry with myself and how my life's turned out in respect of having a life and a girlfriend. I guess this girlfriend stuff is really affecting me big time and it's making my head want to just run and not face this stuff.
I know this will pass but I just thought I'd share. I advised my sister not to turn out like me and to get a boyfriend and move on with her life. I don't know where my life went wrong. I seemed to have it all and then bam... I just lost the ability to think outside of the box, so to speak. It's so hard to express and it's just a feeling of feeling upset, angry, frustrated and like this is always going to be the case.
It really eats at me as well when I get criticised for not doing much with my life, like going out an stuff. I guess AA is the only place I go to but anywhere else I just can't seem to relate to.
Whatever happened eh... This too shall pass but sometimes I just can't be bothered with this frustration anymore.
To look at me you would think that I have such a lot going for me I guess. I just don't know how to channel my life and just feel like managing a life keeping my head above water a day at a time seems like all I can cope with. I guess I think I should be doing more and people, especially my parents/family say that I need to be doing stuff with my music to channel my life and meet like minded people. But I just find it all so hard to comprehend and it feels like I can't cope with comprehending doing lots of stuff at the same time.
I am upset tonight that I turned out like this and I just don't want to sit with these uneasy emotion and feelings. I don't want to meditate or pray and the thought of that is just making me question what the hell I'm doing in life.
I've been saying that I would like to drink myself to death so I don't have to feel liek this. I guess it's just unfounded threats as I'm feeling angry with myself and how my life's turned out in respect of having a life and a girlfriend. I guess this girlfriend stuff is really affecting me big time and it's making my head want to just run and not face this stuff.
I know this will pass but I just thought I'd share. I advised my sister not to turn out like me and to get a boyfriend and move on with her life. I don't know where my life went wrong. I seemed to have it all and then bam... I just lost the ability to think outside of the box, so to speak. It's so hard to express and it's just a feeling of feeling upset, angry, frustrated and like this is always going to be the case.
It really eats at me as well when I get criticised for not doing much with my life, like going out an stuff. I guess AA is the only place I go to but anywhere else I just can't seem to relate to.
Whatever happened eh... This too shall pass but sometimes I just can't be bothered with this frustration anymore.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
Just breath Neo.
You're doing it - you're going to Uni - you're rebuilding your life. You get to set that pace, and you get to set the goals - noone else.
Think of where you could be Neo - things will look better tomorrow
D
You're doing it - you're going to Uni - you're rebuilding your life. You get to set that pace, and you get to set the goals - noone else.
Think of where you could be Neo - things will look better tomorrow
D
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
We're going to have rough days. Days when anger, frustration, sadness, jealousy, pity, etc.. eat at us. For me, AA has given me a design for living I needed, but I still feel human emotions (probably more so now) and sometimes they're out of control.
For me, I can say all the AA slogans I want, call another alkie, go to a meeting, pray, but even then, sometimes...it's just not enough. I'm going to feel bad, I'm going to be very angry (which always means I'm very fearful), but the beauty in our hard work, is it probably won't last and you don't have to drink over it.
Maybe today sucks, but it doesn't have to tomorrow.
...and if you want to date, does the UK have dating sites like "eharmony" or "match.com"? I'm going to look into that, once I get a year under my belt. Before getting sober, I would have said I'm too good for those sites, but now, I think it's a reasonable way to date and it's better than lurking in a bar I also have friends who are married and found their mate that way and they're very happy.
My point Neo is if you want a girlfriend, you gotta start dating first. What's keeping you from that?
(deep breath)
Kjell
For me, I can say all the AA slogans I want, call another alkie, go to a meeting, pray, but even then, sometimes...it's just not enough. I'm going to feel bad, I'm going to be very angry (which always means I'm very fearful), but the beauty in our hard work, is it probably won't last and you don't have to drink over it.
Maybe today sucks, but it doesn't have to tomorrow.
...and if you want to date, does the UK have dating sites like "eharmony" or "match.com"? I'm going to look into that, once I get a year under my belt. Before getting sober, I would have said I'm too good for those sites, but now, I think it's a reasonable way to date and it's better than lurking in a bar
I also have friends who are married and found their mate that way and they're very happy.My point Neo is if you want a girlfriend, you gotta start dating first. What's keeping you from that?
(deep breath)
Kjell
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hey man. Yes, I'm trying mate but it can be frustrating mate and I feel these emotions now and can't block them out with booze or looking forward to when i will be able to just block them all out. I guess it's easy to just want to say f*ck it, I did that before and just went mental on booze and drugs and couldn't be doing with the hassle and let downs and dissapointments.
Feeling a bit better now, after psoting. I think that's probably the first time I have properly erupted emotionally since I've been in recovery and i guess it's because I'm trying to move forwards in my life and inevitably this introduces new feeling and emotions that largely I just used to block out, so never really felt them.
I can pinpoint exactly why this happened today, and I should take a lot of positives from it, It's just I've been down this road before with really liking somebody who has a boyfriend and it does nothing but p*ss me off. It's easy to think what a shame that she already has a boyfriend and how nice it would have been if she was single, as I feel we gelled really good and liked her, then I was thinking about what Russell Brand said about how long do you stay talking to a girl when you find out she has a boyfriend? About 8 seconds I think he said, lol. Such a sinking feeling and I was hoping that it wouldn't be the case. Shallow i know but I've been down that road before and it just leads to being annoyed.
I'll live and learn.
Feeling a bit better now, after psoting. I think that's probably the first time I have properly erupted emotionally since I've been in recovery and i guess it's because I'm trying to move forwards in my life and inevitably this introduces new feeling and emotions that largely I just used to block out, so never really felt them.
I can pinpoint exactly why this happened today, and I should take a lot of positives from it, It's just I've been down this road before with really liking somebody who has a boyfriend and it does nothing but p*ss me off. It's easy to think what a shame that she already has a boyfriend and how nice it would have been if she was single, as I feel we gelled really good and liked her, then I was thinking about what Russell Brand said about how long do you stay talking to a girl when you find out she has a boyfriend? About 8 seconds I think he said, lol. Such a sinking feeling and I was hoping that it wouldn't be the case. Shallow i know but I've been down that road before and it just leads to being annoyed.
I'll live and learn.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
Maybe Kjell's onto something Neo - if this is a recurring issue, maybe it's time to start a little dating? 
I've spent a lot of time around unavailable women...it never ends well.
I hope you find someone who wants what you want
D
I've spent a lot of time around unavailable women...it never ends well.
I hope you find someone who wants what you want
D
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