Maybe
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Boston, MA (Mattapan) Legit ghetto but I love it
Posts: 174
Maybe
Maybe if I tell myself everything is going to be okay somehow everything will. It doesn't matter if I'm not drinking anymore, I still do stupid things and I still screw up and in my family's eyes I am still the worlds biggest screw up and to be fair considering all the **** I've pulled in the last 6 months I can't really blame them. I just don't need to hear about it every day. I can't stand being here anymore, but if I move out now my Mom says I'm gone for good. I'm working almost 60 hours a week but at 8 bucks an hour and still paying off student loans and other bills... that ain't gonna get me a place of my own, I still need my parents financial support.I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who I am or what I want.
Sometimes it's easier just to be a screw up because it means nothings excepted of you but I don't want to move forward and I don't want to be here, I want things to be the way they used to be before everything got out of control
Sometimes it's easier just to be a screw up because it means nothings excepted of you but I don't want to move forward and I don't want to be here, I want things to be the way they used to be before everything got out of control
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 114
Hey man, first of all, you are no screwup. From the sounds of your post you are doing a lot of things right. You are not drinking, your working hard, and your on here on SR because you care about your sobriety. Remember, things come in steps and take some time. You say your still doing stupid stuff? In early sobriety I also did stupid stuff. Its a learning time-sobriety takes time, and in my opinion recovery is ongoing. You dont just stop drinking and suddenly become another person. I know I didnt. But, its been a long time for me and I am still chipping away at things. I think you have to focus on the positivies.
I have had comments from my family over time, but you know what? I gave them 10 years of bad experience. However, over the past couple months I have showed them the person I really am. And it was not an overnight process.
One of the things that helped me was following the 12 stps very closely and working them all the time. For me, the 12 steps are an outline for how to live life ongoing, and sober. They have allowed me to focus on being "me", the real me I was meant to be. Not the me that I was. And, byt following the steps you outline things you want to change. Dont try to change everything at once. Change is a big part of sobriety and taking the good with the bad is another.
I think you're on the right track, just focus on the good. I bet you can come up with a long list of all the good things that have changed about you. Remember, you are your own most impotant asset. Focus on you, and the reactions of others will come, for better or for worse. And, just remember-take it one day at a time. For me, it took me 10 years to get to reaching my bottom and deciding to get sober. It takes some time to crawl back up from that. But, its so worth it. You are worth it.
Keep on rollin-your doing the right thing.
All the best
I have had comments from my family over time, but you know what? I gave them 10 years of bad experience. However, over the past couple months I have showed them the person I really am. And it was not an overnight process.
One of the things that helped me was following the 12 stps very closely and working them all the time. For me, the 12 steps are an outline for how to live life ongoing, and sober. They have allowed me to focus on being "me", the real me I was meant to be. Not the me that I was. And, byt following the steps you outline things you want to change. Dont try to change everything at once. Change is a big part of sobriety and taking the good with the bad is another.
I think you're on the right track, just focus on the good. I bet you can come up with a long list of all the good things that have changed about you. Remember, you are your own most impotant asset. Focus on you, and the reactions of others will come, for better or for worse. And, just remember-take it one day at a time. For me, it took me 10 years to get to reaching my bottom and deciding to get sober. It takes some time to crawl back up from that. But, its so worth it. You are worth it.
Keep on rollin-your doing the right thing.
All the best
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I agree with HIgby. You are doing lots of stuff right.
I think part of the reason we drink and drug is that we want things to change NOW. And, for awhile, that's what drinking or drugging does. It lets us throw that little "happy switch" or "numb me out switch". Instant gratification. Until it quits working that way, and we see that it's dragging us down more and more.
It's hard to get used to being patient and letting things change in due course.
If you aren't in AA, I'd suggest checking it out. It can help you see start seeing yourself and your life in a whole new way, and help you learn to make lasting changes for the better.
I think part of the reason we drink and drug is that we want things to change NOW. And, for awhile, that's what drinking or drugging does. It lets us throw that little "happy switch" or "numb me out switch". Instant gratification. Until it quits working that way, and we see that it's dragging us down more and more.
It's hard to get used to being patient and letting things change in due course.
If you aren't in AA, I'd suggest checking it out. It can help you see start seeing yourself and your life in a whole new way, and help you learn to make lasting changes for the better.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Good to see you again SS 
I'm glad to hear you're not drinking.
It takes time to sort out some of that wreckage and it can take even longer to regain peoples respect and trust...we just have to keep on doing the right things and let that happen as it will.
I'm sorry the situation at home is a bit rough but from your post it sounds like it's your only viable option for now.
Can you look for a better paying job to get away from being dependent on your family?
D
I'm glad to hear you're not drinking.
It takes time to sort out some of that wreckage and it can take even longer to regain peoples respect and trust...we just have to keep on doing the right things and let that happen as it will.
I'm sorry the situation at home is a bit rough but from your post it sounds like it's your only viable option for now.
Can you look for a better paying job to get away from being dependent on your family?
D
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
Hang in there and work hard to get your stuff straight. Your parents love you and want the best for you, and as a mom myself, I can say that when we bring up past wrongs we don't mean it to be mean. We do it to remind you why we feel like we have to be down your throat. We are worried about the decisions that you have made in the past, and want to make sure you remember them so you don't make the same mistakes in the future. I'd like to apologize on behalf of your parents and all the other parents who do this, and drive our kids away. It sounds like you are on the right path, just be patient, and let your life take its course. It own't be this way forever, and only you have the power to change your life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((SS)) - glad to see you back, and I'm glad you're not drinking.
I understand about the feeling of wondering exactly what has gotten better, by not drinking/using, when we're dealing with the consequences.
I can only tell you that I'm decades older than you, and I'm having to live at home due to the financial chaos I brought on myself by using. If you're not drinking/using, you have a good chance of improving your life. It may not SEEM like it, now, but you really do.
If you keep drinking, I can pretty much guarantee you that things will only get worse. You really don't want to be MY age and still struggling for independence, trust me. I have a tendency to focus on how I've screwed up, but I'm trying to get past that. As long as I'm clean, I have a chance to have a good life. I go back to using, and it's over.''
It also helps me to hear of others who have been through hell and come out on the other side. SR is a great place for that, but sometimes we need more.
You deserve a good life, and it's in your hands, sweetie. It's not EASY, but not much of the good in life comes easy. When we have to work for it, we tend to appreciate it a lot more.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I understand about the feeling of wondering exactly what has gotten better, by not drinking/using, when we're dealing with the consequences.
I can only tell you that I'm decades older than you, and I'm having to live at home due to the financial chaos I brought on myself by using. If you're not drinking/using, you have a good chance of improving your life. It may not SEEM like it, now, but you really do.
If you keep drinking, I can pretty much guarantee you that things will only get worse. You really don't want to be MY age and still struggling for independence, trust me. I have a tendency to focus on how I've screwed up, but I'm trying to get past that. As long as I'm clean, I have a chance to have a good life. I go back to using, and it's over.''
It also helps me to hear of others who have been through hell and come out on the other side. SR is a great place for that, but sometimes we need more.
You deserve a good life, and it's in your hands, sweetie. It's not EASY, but not much of the good in life comes easy. When we have to work for it, we tend to appreciate it a lot more.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I am really sorry that your family is calling you a screwup. It's very sad that you have to live in that situation. Try to focus on a goal of getting out of that house and getting a place of your own as soon as possible. You are doing great staying sober and paying off your loans, and if you can hold on, you will see that it's worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Hey SS.....you are NO screwup by any means friend. Hell.....we all have made poor choices in life but they are there to guide us towards better things in life. The fact you aren't drinking is a huge accomplishment.
Focus on getting out of your negative environment. I know it seems rough now. I have been there and it is hard to make change when others just dwell on the past. You have the experience of walking the tough road and you are strong and resilient. The fact you are here and sharing you with your SR community is a testament of your determination and courage.
It may take time but you are working hard, paying off bills and I know that good things are coming your way. You have made tremendous progress so don't allow anyone to take that from you. You remain positive and look at how far you have come.
If you have student loans (like I do) then maybe you can do a deferment or forbearance for now.....so you can have some extra cash to put away so you can move out.
You can do this so please stay strong and keep on with the support. You need it know to counter the negatives from home.
We are all here for you and so proud of how far you have come. That is no screwup friend.....that is an accomplishment and one to be used as a foundation for your new life.
Focus on getting out of your negative environment. I know it seems rough now. I have been there and it is hard to make change when others just dwell on the past. You have the experience of walking the tough road and you are strong and resilient. The fact you are here and sharing you with your SR community is a testament of your determination and courage.
It may take time but you are working hard, paying off bills and I know that good things are coming your way. You have made tremendous progress so don't allow anyone to take that from you. You remain positive and look at how far you have come.
If you have student loans (like I do) then maybe you can do a deferment or forbearance for now.....so you can have some extra cash to put away so you can move out.
You can do this so please stay strong and keep on with the support. You need it know to counter the negatives from home.
We are all here for you and so proud of how far you have come. That is no screwup friend.....that is an accomplishment and one to be used as a foundation for your new life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
I echo the gladness at hearing there has not been any drinking for a while. Good things can come out of that.
In shoulda/coulda mode, I have said lots of times, when I would reflect on my schooling/work path, etc, that I should have taken a pause during my degree, and gained work experience. Maybe it would have been better for personal development. Things did get better, but I think I was stunting myself and could have appreciated the further education a little further on.
Same can be said about you living at your parents' place, but the best way to look at it is that it is temporary. I have been preachy with you in the past and maybe one of the topics was how time seems so much slower in the early 20s. One summer back then is like 5 or more to me now. I couldn't wait to be away from restrictions and whatever else bothered me about home, and that's part of growing up. So is thinking you've got it so bad and how long it's taking for the right things to happen. Until and before you do move out, you should try to see the utilitarian value in being there. There is some give and take in that picture. A year or less from now you could be seeing the additional time spent in that house as time well spent, like an adjustment period before the next progressive step.
Drinking, as you should know, doesn't help with much more than what SEEMS. Just as you say it SEEMS like giving in to a resigned feeling of being a screw-up, alcohol takes hold of your values, concerns, desires, shortcomings and envelops you into a life of "seems." It seemed to make me bolder, to bereave more efficiently, to move between relationships more easily or be without them, to let go of annoyances and be more chilled out and to get on with life. It did its part, but it also took away some natural feelings and created an illusion that there was a constant void without drinking more. The dizziness from getting drunk was the micro version of what alcohol does; there is a macro version for an alcoholic, and that's the semblance of things being OK through the years of abuse on the self. Addiction. It seems like it's better with it, it's normal with it; scary and out of the question to be without it for one night for some.
So if you keep staying away from alcohol, you will give yourself the advantage a lot of people did not create for themselves. Keep the bottles away and do work on the issues you know you have. The path will be less complicated and less crappy without it. Don't buy into the temptation to be a renegade tossing out better options. I was and am lucky with how things played out for me, but as far as shoulda/coulda goes, I should have looked into my issues more when I was your age and not dabbled in drinking and defying the possibility I was actually an addict. Use the resources you have around you and inside you to work on "stuff" now, unlike the lucky ones like me preaching to you and unlike the ones who unfortunately went to jail or died. You can be happier sooner, you just may not believe it. That expectation can only belong to you too - and I finally _________ get that now.
In shoulda/coulda mode, I have said lots of times, when I would reflect on my schooling/work path, etc, that I should have taken a pause during my degree, and gained work experience. Maybe it would have been better for personal development. Things did get better, but I think I was stunting myself and could have appreciated the further education a little further on.
Same can be said about you living at your parents' place, but the best way to look at it is that it is temporary. I have been preachy with you in the past and maybe one of the topics was how time seems so much slower in the early 20s. One summer back then is like 5 or more to me now. I couldn't wait to be away from restrictions and whatever else bothered me about home, and that's part of growing up. So is thinking you've got it so bad and how long it's taking for the right things to happen. Until and before you do move out, you should try to see the utilitarian value in being there. There is some give and take in that picture. A year or less from now you could be seeing the additional time spent in that house as time well spent, like an adjustment period before the next progressive step.
Drinking, as you should know, doesn't help with much more than what SEEMS. Just as you say it SEEMS like giving in to a resigned feeling of being a screw-up, alcohol takes hold of your values, concerns, desires, shortcomings and envelops you into a life of "seems." It seemed to make me bolder, to bereave more efficiently, to move between relationships more easily or be without them, to let go of annoyances and be more chilled out and to get on with life. It did its part, but it also took away some natural feelings and created an illusion that there was a constant void without drinking more. The dizziness from getting drunk was the micro version of what alcohol does; there is a macro version for an alcoholic, and that's the semblance of things being OK through the years of abuse on the self. Addiction. It seems like it's better with it, it's normal with it; scary and out of the question to be without it for one night for some.
So if you keep staying away from alcohol, you will give yourself the advantage a lot of people did not create for themselves. Keep the bottles away and do work on the issues you know you have. The path will be less complicated and less crappy without it. Don't buy into the temptation to be a renegade tossing out better options. I was and am lucky with how things played out for me, but as far as shoulda/coulda goes, I should have looked into my issues more when I was your age and not dabbled in drinking and defying the possibility I was actually an addict. Use the resources you have around you and inside you to work on "stuff" now, unlike the lucky ones like me preaching to you and unlike the ones who unfortunately went to jail or died. You can be happier sooner, you just may not believe it. That expectation can only belong to you too - and I finally _________ get that now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Boston, MA (Mattapan) Legit ghetto but I love it
Posts: 174
Thank you all once again.
I’ve been working insane hours so I never have time to pop on here but I’ve got a few minutes till I have to catch the bus to work so I should have time to reply.
My parents are good people and they mean the best but… I think they know I have more potential and I think in their eyes I’ve already royally fudged that up because of all the mistakes I’ve made in the past year. So now every small mistake is like a huge deal… it’s just tough because my Mom keeps telling me I am spiraling out of control and that she doesn’t even know who I am anymore.
I lost my house keys at a friend’s house on Friday. I was 100 percent sober; we watched TV, baked and cooked dinner and just hung out. I simply misplaced the key and it ended up somewhere within my friends house but we couldn’t find it and I was on my way to work so I didn’t have time to look. My Mom of course assumed that I lost it because I was drunk as a skunk and left it at some bar. That isn’t what happened but nothing I say will convince her otherwise. Right before I posted this thread was when I got screamed at for this. Then yesterday, I missed the bus to work so I called my Mom and asked her to give me a ride (my work is 2 miles down the road) and she was yelling at me about how I’m never responsible/on time etc… I old her too meet me at the bus stop but she just assumed I was going to walk to the end of my street and when I didn’t do that, she flipped out, refused to pick me up and told my step brother that she was so angry at me she might “kill me” if she saw me, obviously she wouldn’t have but she acted like I was such a dumb a** for not reading her mind about going to the end of my street… it’s just little screw ups like that, that set her off big time and make her go into this HUGE rant because I’ve screwed up so much she can’t take it anymore.
What hurts is to hear that she says my siblings have “given up on me” and my step brother who used to defend me/stick up for me has in my mom’s words “washed his hands of me” my mom says I’m pushing everyone away and no one knows what to do to help me anymore… but I’m not drinking and I’m working MORE then full time and I’m trying to get better but all the drama and stress makes it so much harder and sometimes it’s like I might as well drink since they are already treating me like I am, I don’t know.
This post turned out a hell of a lot loner then I thought it would. But all your replies were great, I was planning to reply to all of them individually and I probably will but right now I’ve got to catch the bus so there is more to come
I’ve been working insane hours so I never have time to pop on here but I’ve got a few minutes till I have to catch the bus to work so I should have time to reply.
My parents are good people and they mean the best but… I think they know I have more potential and I think in their eyes I’ve already royally fudged that up because of all the mistakes I’ve made in the past year. So now every small mistake is like a huge deal… it’s just tough because my Mom keeps telling me I am spiraling out of control and that she doesn’t even know who I am anymore.
I lost my house keys at a friend’s house on Friday. I was 100 percent sober; we watched TV, baked and cooked dinner and just hung out. I simply misplaced the key and it ended up somewhere within my friends house but we couldn’t find it and I was on my way to work so I didn’t have time to look. My Mom of course assumed that I lost it because I was drunk as a skunk and left it at some bar. That isn’t what happened but nothing I say will convince her otherwise. Right before I posted this thread was when I got screamed at for this. Then yesterday, I missed the bus to work so I called my Mom and asked her to give me a ride (my work is 2 miles down the road) and she was yelling at me about how I’m never responsible/on time etc… I old her too meet me at the bus stop but she just assumed I was going to walk to the end of my street and when I didn’t do that, she flipped out, refused to pick me up and told my step brother that she was so angry at me she might “kill me” if she saw me, obviously she wouldn’t have but she acted like I was such a dumb a** for not reading her mind about going to the end of my street… it’s just little screw ups like that, that set her off big time and make her go into this HUGE rant because I’ve screwed up so much she can’t take it anymore.
What hurts is to hear that she says my siblings have “given up on me” and my step brother who used to defend me/stick up for me has in my mom’s words “washed his hands of me” my mom says I’m pushing everyone away and no one knows what to do to help me anymore… but I’m not drinking and I’m working MORE then full time and I’m trying to get better but all the drama and stress makes it so much harder and sometimes it’s like I might as well drink since they are already treating me like I am, I don’t know.
This post turned out a hell of a lot loner then I thought it would. But all your replies were great, I was planning to reply to all of them individually and I probably will but right now I’ve got to catch the bus so there is more to come
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
maybe you and mom can sit down and calmly discuss? make a short list about what bothers you (keep it short for now) and ask her to do the same? just talk about what's on the list and respond to each other (not yell).
congrats on your sobriety, THAT is a big deal.
congrats on your sobriety, THAT is a big deal.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi SS
The plain fact is some of us lose the trust of those who love us.
Sometimes that means we have to wear that for a while.
Keep doing all the right things - show them you really are trying to change and move on and I hope they'll be fair to you and come around
D
The plain fact is some of us lose the trust of those who love us.
Sometimes that means we have to wear that for a while.
Keep doing all the right things - show them you really are trying to change and move on and I hope they'll be fair to you and come around
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
SomeoneSomewhere, I am a mom like your mom. My son screwed up, and he hears about it. That's just the way life goes. It's mom's job to help you to learn the difference between right and wrong. And once you have screwed up, it takes time to regain trust again, and the consequences are an upset mom. So, be on your best behavior. Be more responsible with the house keys. If you lost my house keys, I would have to change all of the locks on my door. It's expensive. And I don't want my son's friends having spare key to my home, so they can empty my house out, while I'm not home. When you have your own home, you will understand better. It's time to really grow up. Thanks for posting here. You sound like a really great kid. You work, and go to school.
Eventually you will be on your own.
For now, your still home, so do your best.
Eventually you will be on your own.
For now, your still home, so do your best.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
When I'm having a bad day (or week or month!), it seems that I see everything through the same lens. In other words, one thing goes wrong and then nothing seems right. But when I really stop to think, it's not true that everything is bad. There are a lot of good things happening at the same time we can choose to focus on. We don't have to buy into being a victim if we don't want to.
I've been reading a book by Wayne Dyer lately, and he talks a lot about the importance of examining our own thoughts. Simply put, if we think negatively, we tend to act on those assumptions and bring more negativity into our lives. Conversely, focusing on the positive brings more positive things to us. By reminding myself of these truths lately, I've already noticed a change in my attitude.
Taken a step further (into a little bit of Buddhism), if we practice acceptance in everything and have no expectations, we don't set ourselves up for more pain.
If you want to experiment with it, just try to keep your focus on what you are doing to make your life better and the positives going on for you right now. If you find yourself concentrating on all the negative stuff or on what's wrong with other people, just try to redirect your attention to the positive and what you want from your life.
(I think my psychology background is showing.....!
oh well!)
I've been reading a book by Wayne Dyer lately, and he talks a lot about the importance of examining our own thoughts. Simply put, if we think negatively, we tend to act on those assumptions and bring more negativity into our lives. Conversely, focusing on the positive brings more positive things to us. By reminding myself of these truths lately, I've already noticed a change in my attitude.
Taken a step further (into a little bit of Buddhism), if we practice acceptance in everything and have no expectations, we don't set ourselves up for more pain.
If you want to experiment with it, just try to keep your focus on what you are doing to make your life better and the positives going on for you right now. If you find yourself concentrating on all the negative stuff or on what's wrong with other people, just try to redirect your attention to the positive and what you want from your life.
(I think my psychology background is showing.....!
oh well!)
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
