miamifella

I worry that being here is running. For a long time I stayed away from meetings and sites like this and was fine. I worked on my life and felt like I was getting somewhere. But so often here and in meetings it feels like I am sinking. I feel like I have already lost.

Dee74

but if life was that fine, why come back?

D

Rusty Zipper

gal all of you, and the people i come in contact with that want a new, better way of life, and living.

including me!

miamifella

Its a bad night. But it probably does not help to keep it constructive being here. My recovery has to be about moving toward something good, not moving away from drugs. I think this may be more the latter.

Dee74

I wish you well which ever way you go, MF.
If you want more input, maybe we should move this to your own thread.

D

miamifella

Thanks for the suggestion. I think I just needed to say something. If I started a thread, everyone and their brother would feel it important to tell me that I am worthless, self-deluded, dangerous, etc.

Did not mean to highjack.

Have a good weekend.

Dee74

If you ever decide you need us, you know where we're at
Good luck

D

gallery007

Miamifella: I think the weekends are always the hardest....at least they are for me. And the fact that you are on here means you haven't given up--you haven't sunk. I truly think addiction is a disease, like diabetes, it's a life-long battle, but that doesn't mean it has to take over your life. And remember you are NOT alone, millions of people are living with this disease. It's a fight worth fighting.

kelsh

Kerbcrawler,

What you wrote on this topic hit me right between the eyes because that is exactly how I feel. I would beat myself up everytime I had a relapse back in the 70's when I first tried to get sober. I could quit but I couldn't stay quit & before long would be drunk & not even remember with who or where I went to drink.

I went to my first AA Meeting the day I was released from our local hospital where I got a medical detox. I had been there six days & still was such a basket case when I walked into the meeting. I had a face as red as a tomato & my doc said that it would take about 9 months for it to be totally gone.

I wanted to be sober more than anything else in my life so decided I had a lot of work to do to get myself back from insanity. I went to Mental Health to make an appointment for an alcohol assessment & another assessment for my Clinical/Chemical Depression that I had been self-medicating with alcohol.

I did everything that was suggested by getting a Big Book, a Sponsor, attend 90 meetings in 90 days (only the first year I probably went to 365 meetings) & changed my way of living while avoiding slippery people, places, & things.

It took a while before I figured out how much more freedom I had, & how many new sober friends I had made. The meetings kept me motivated & I did a lot more listening than talking in the beginning. I knew I was where I belonged. I got counseling & back on medication for my depression ( a life-long illness for me).

My road to sobriety did have ups & downs especially when I would be hospitalized for my depression but I made it through it all & even did two more years of college to get my BA Degree in Psychology. I worked half-time & went to school full time, worked, & took care of my youngest daughter who had recently been dx. with Juvenile Diabetes.

I started my new career when I was fifty & still cannot believe I did all of this and have not picked up a drink for 21 years. This all took support from family, friends, my AA meetings & sober friends. Most of all I had to forgive myself & look to each day as a new beginning. I couldn't change what I had done in the past except by example of living a sober life in the now.

The Serenity Prayer is with me 24/7 & really helps me cut down on worry & what if's. I use the Serenity Prayer daily for whatever needs to be done or for whoever needs some help from my experience, strength, & hope that has accumulated the past 20 years.


kelsh

Impurrfect

What keeps me motivated, today, is actually a little different than what most people would think. I'm struggling, MORE with money, because I made a HUGE mess of my career and finances, but that's okay

I no longer have to WORRY about dealing with stupid/bad consequences made doing dope. Yeah, the consequences are still there, but I AM dealing with them and, today, I make good decisions. Life happens, septic tanks break ($5500) and wipe out savings. Today, I can go to work, 2-3 jobs if I need to, and build that back up.

I can be honest with the people I love. No sneaking around, hiding things, disappearing for days at a time. My dad trusts me with his bank account PIN numbers!! One of the guys who does expediting work, like he does, and KNOWS my history asked if I'd be willing to drive his $40,000 van, sometimes, if he was unable because he knows ME, and my work ethic.

My 16-year-old niece, though we still argue, absolutely loves me. She knows my history, has seen the crack-houses I stayed in, and was with me the day I found out my ex had died IN one of those houses. Though she won't listen to me about drinking, she will at least talk to me, and stays away from drugs...she asks questions that most kids wouldn't ask an adult. Today I can be a role model for her.

My life isn't perfect, but every time I struggle, get through that struggle a stronger person and I DON'T USE, that keeps me motivated. I have a lot of blessings, and I know I won't always be struggling...this is just temporary.

Good thread ((Gallery))!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

topspin

Great topic !

For me , drinking and using slowly robbed me of any motivation to do just about anything over the years. Sobriety offers me the opportunity to dream , ....and more importantly, to take some constructive action to realize those dreams.

I'm keeping it simple in early sobriety. Have completely overhauled my junky way of eating and found the motivation to start working out [cycling, mostly]


Just those two things alone , would be impossible for me, without sobriety.

Food shopping is actually fun now ! Cooking healthy meals, ....working out , just seem to go hand in hand with sobriety.

.....I'm enjoying my work so much more without those wicked daily hangovers


Am looking forward to other things in the future, ...but for me ; Just trying to keep it simple , ..living in the day, ...... grateful for any (and all ) mental and physical improvement.

Stay Strong Y'all


Grateful in Carolina,



.

MelindaFlowers

Miama,
Please take this to heart from a rookie. A few months ago I came to this site, read all the posts, and said "Ahhhh, f*ck it. I'm nowhere near that bad." I thought I knew something everyone here didn't.

*Something brought me back*

Second time on SR: I read more closely. I thought "Hmmm......why can I relate to everything I'm reading? I kept reading. Then I said "f*ck it. I know something they don't. I'm different."

*Something brought me back*

I read people's posts and realized that I was sick and tired of being hungover everyday. What difference does it make if I don't drink in the morning? I feel like hell every single morning anyways. I finally accepted that I am no different. Maybe I never drank in the morning. After reading enough posts I realized I drank more quantity than some of the people who drank from morning until night. My only difference was heavy binging in the span of six hours, rather than 12 or 14 hours.

And yes, I realized that they actually knew something that I didn't: that once they took that first drink they couldn't stop. Me too.

HideorSeek

Like Dee, I like who I am now and I know that 1 drink would instantly plummet me to that horrible pit of despair. I have worked too hard to go back and I like my life too much to risk everything. It took me a long time to get this (knock on wood) and I'm not lettin' go for nuthin'!!!!

PizzaChef

Waking up on a Friday morning and finding a hat my daughter had made in school the day before. They had all made pizza in school and it was the most beautiful thing she has made to date with the most perfect handwriting. It had her name on it in big letters and "pizza chef" underneath. I had absolutely no recollection of her showing it to me the night before or even if I praised her. I will never forgive myself for that but I have a picture of the hat as my mobile phone screensaver and it represents everything I am working away from.

DayTrader

The more I work with others......by a long shot is #1.

I listen to a lot of open talks, do a lot of reading, do a lot of thinking......those help too BUT nothing like sitting down and talking to someone who needs help - face to face or on the phone.

Typing here is ok too but it's no substitute for real one-on-one contact with another alcoholic. That's how this whole thing got started (Bill seeking out Dr. Bob) - it worked all those years ago and it's still working for me today.

basically, the less selfish and self-centered I try to act, the happier I get.

boudiepitbull

In my path to recovery from drugs and alcohol I became an alcohol and substance abuse counselor. I currently work with an addicted population in a hospital detox unit. Everyday there are new people that I meet for the first time and they all bring their "bottom" them with. Seeing that keeps me motivated much the same way that old timers talk about still going to beginner's meetings to be reminded how it was.

legaleagle

Gallery - thanks for starting this thread! I am 43 days sober and all weekend I've been in a funk and have just felt like throwing in the towel. But reading this and reminding myself of my own motivaion (no more hangovers, feeling guilty for days because of how I acted or who I slept with during a blackout, losing weight, more energy, and just thinking much more clearly).

You guys are great! I don't post all that often but I do read threads frequently and I thank all of you for all of your support!

hendershot

Thanks for the thread. I used to find motivation in external goals, whether they be academic or interpersonal. But reaching goals can be a bit anti-climactic and my mind is pretty adept at making me feel like no matter how good things are today, they are just as bad as they were when I was drinking/using, so I might as well go back.
External motivations, then, can't keep me sober for too long. My best motivation is the fact drugs and alcy no longer work for me. They don't do what I want/expect them to do. Things don't get better, they get worse. If I relapse, it will be because I forget that.

yeahgr8

My motivation came from the hope i got from someone with 24 years sobriety and a very happy and contented life telling me that if i was willing they would show me how to do the same...

sailorjohn

Ah, I remember your posts, no one here, to the best of my knowledge, said your were worthless. Your being worthless would render all of us worthless.

I'm sure you were told-and I was probably one of the 'tellers'-that your ideas were at least a little delusional. I'm willing to bet the term was probably denial, and that some of your ideas were dangerous. Dangerous to you, that is.

Many of us do feel obligated to mention it to the newcomer when we feel their 'ideas' are suspect, part of sharing our ESH. Most of us had all of those 'old ideas' at one point, and got nowhere with them.

In any event, glad to see you're still alive. As long as you're still breathing, there's always hope.