Old 03-28-2010, 07:29 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Lost-Thank you for your post. You are in my prayers.
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Old 03-28-2010, 11:50 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lostmyway View Post
Hi all. Last night was not a good one for me. I am feeling very beaten down right now and I let myself drink without much of an internal fight. I did call my sponsor, who finally admitted that she hasn't done all of the steps herself and can only help me with the first three. But she suggested that I may need more than AA and was surprised to hear that I have never been to a rehab.

I step back and look at the problem and it seems so simple. I love alcohol. There was a time in my life when I really enjoyed alcohol; before I realized I have a progressive disease. Now, alcohol does not work for me anymore. I can't have just one. I get my hands on alcohol and all bets are off; I will not stop until I have annihilated myself, and then, what good am I? What good am I as a person, as a mother, as a wife, as an employee? None whatsoever. So the obvious thing to do is remove the thing that does not work anymore. The problem is that I can't stop loving the thing that is trying to kill me.

I am going to try again.

But I cannot see where rehab would fit into the picture. I know it's said that if you can find time to drink, you can find time to make it to a meeting. I know that's true, because I've been to lots of meetings. But rehab? That would be a huge investment of time and money. I don't want to miss things my kids are doing, especially my younger one as she is only five months old. And I doubt I would be able to keep my job. Two days after I got the job, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I started getting migraines during the pregnancy and missed a lot of time then. Then of course came maternity leave. THEN came my stay in the psychiatric hospital because I couldn't figure out how to deal with life while sober. So yeah...I doubt I have any more time coming to me.
I am an alcoholic who hasn't thought about a drink for well over a decade. But what a struggle! I went to rehab, got a sponsor, did the steps (superficially) obsessed on my new job, and was able to stay away from a drink/drug for nearly five years. Then....bam! another five years going in and out, in and out......five more rehabs. Three more sponsors, ... you get the picture.

Here is what I have come to understand about myself: my entire life prior to discovering the solution of alcohol was about being completely controlled by fear: doubt, insecurity, guilt, shame. unworthiness, etc. Booze and later drugs relieved my fear....but it really only covered it up.

So when I took away my solution, there was that deeply rooted fear awaiting me. One of the PRIMARY fears was that I was incompetent (fear of failure). But ego is what is cunning, baffling and powerful....not alcohol. Ego turns things around into self fulfilling prophecies so....

I've come to realize that my overwhelming fear was that I could NOT live life without booze and/or drugs. The very thought was terrifying. That means.....(follow me now) paradoxically my greatest fear was that I WOULD SUCCEED IN AA, and forever be without that higher power called alcohol that I'd come to depend upon.

The more I relapsed, the more hopeless I became. The more willing to give up, the less frightened of my alcoholic misery I became. Fear was an old friend, and a "bottom" can get mighty comfortable. It was fear, fear, fear...still driving me, but now giving me alll sorts of reasons why AA might work for you....but not for me. Ego only wants me to be different: better or worse doesn't matter. Different. I was far WORSE than would never work for me. See...relapse after after rehab....hadn't I proven how hopeless I was? Wasn't I justified now in giving up? I actually had a psychiatrist tell me straight up that I was "a hopeless alcoholic."

It's cunning, baffling and powerful indeed....but the 12 step program and fellowship of AA turned out to be its match. I only had to admit that I'd been sabotaging my own recovery with my negative attitude and...more important....NOT being fearless and thorough from the very start in doing the steps. The truth is that I did half measures and, as the BB says...they availed me nothing. Once I was desperate enough to make an honest commitment....and a commitment to honesty.....I learned how to accept the love and support of the AA fellowship while I did the steps EXACTLY as the BB directs. Cutting no corners. Making no exceptions. Refusing to do my own thinking. And that spiritual awakening DID lead to the psychic shift of which Dr. Carl Jung spoke of with AA#3. "It really does."

And guess what: I knew I'd had a spiritual awakening when I realized that I no longer had the obsession to drink. And I now, as directed, maintain my spiritual fitness, which is my only defense against the return of the insanity that will try to convince me that after 15 years, it must be safe for me to drink.

I stopped struggling. Gave up the fight. Turned my will over to a HP that was full of love, rather than the one full of fear and hatred that I'd been following. I discovered ways to "practice these principles in all my affairs."

It all came down to the humility to be honest with myself....and to stop giving myself excuses to live in fear. The antidote to fear is love, and there is love abundant in the rooms of AA.

And do not select a sponsor who has not done all 12 steps!!!!

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