Relapse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Somewhere along the Delaware River, Pennsylvania
Posts: 137
One of the hardest things for me is that after a stretch of sobriety, I truly forget how bad my life was when I was drinking. It is as if I have lost a vital part of my memory.
First comes the idea to drink, and the should I or shouldn't I question. Whenever this chatter begins in my brain, I inevitably end up justifying my want to drink. Then comes the rush when I open the bottle, get my first smell and taste. All is well for a bit...afterall, I'm only going to have one or two. But maybe I'll make it three. Oh hell, I've already had three, why not just keep going on the bottle?
The unfortunate truth for me is that I have drank for so long that alcohol doesn't actually WORK for me anymore, doesn't do what it used to, even when I increase my intake. I never slur my words or lose my balance; I can carry on perfectly normal conversation and unless someone can actually smell my breath, they never suspect that I have been drinking. I can't get drunk anymore, no matter how much I drink. I may eventually just black out, but all those fun symptoms of being drunk just don't happen for me.
Once I realize this, I start to panick. "I'm not getting what I wanted out of this," I think to myself. "What am I going to do? I don't want to waste my efforts." So I roll a joint and pop some pills, but all the joint makes me do is run around cleaning my house like a chicken with its head cut off, and the pills eventually land me in a black out sleep...not a restful one...just an "I can't take anymore so there's nothing left to do except go to sleep" one.
What is the point of this insanity???
I wake up the next morning with a hangover, but I'm used to those. Getting out of bed is hell on earth, but I know if I can just get a shower and a smoke and a cup of coffee, I'll be functional. The hard part is staying awake to get through the day, but I'll do it. I have the willpower to do most anything, good or bad.
I don't know, when I open that bottle, what I think the drink is going to do for me, because time and time again, it has proved to do nothing except worsen my situation. And yet some part of me still believes that it will bring me the same comfort it used to.
That comfort is gone...why not give up the vice?
Sorry for the rambling.
First comes the idea to drink, and the should I or shouldn't I question. Whenever this chatter begins in my brain, I inevitably end up justifying my want to drink. Then comes the rush when I open the bottle, get my first smell and taste. All is well for a bit...afterall, I'm only going to have one or two. But maybe I'll make it three. Oh hell, I've already had three, why not just keep going on the bottle?
The unfortunate truth for me is that I have drank for so long that alcohol doesn't actually WORK for me anymore, doesn't do what it used to, even when I increase my intake. I never slur my words or lose my balance; I can carry on perfectly normal conversation and unless someone can actually smell my breath, they never suspect that I have been drinking. I can't get drunk anymore, no matter how much I drink. I may eventually just black out, but all those fun symptoms of being drunk just don't happen for me.
Once I realize this, I start to panick. "I'm not getting what I wanted out of this," I think to myself. "What am I going to do? I don't want to waste my efforts." So I roll a joint and pop some pills, but all the joint makes me do is run around cleaning my house like a chicken with its head cut off, and the pills eventually land me in a black out sleep...not a restful one...just an "I can't take anymore so there's nothing left to do except go to sleep" one.
What is the point of this insanity???
I wake up the next morning with a hangover, but I'm used to those. Getting out of bed is hell on earth, but I know if I can just get a shower and a smoke and a cup of coffee, I'll be functional. The hard part is staying awake to get through the day, but I'll do it. I have the willpower to do most anything, good or bad.
I don't know, when I open that bottle, what I think the drink is going to do for me, because time and time again, it has proved to do nothing except worsen my situation. And yet some part of me still believes that it will bring me the same comfort it used to.
That comfort is gone...why not give up the vice?
Sorry for the rambling.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by lostmyway 
One of the hardest things for me is that after a stretch of sobriety, I truly forget how bad my life was when I was drinking. It is as if I have lost a vital part of my memory.
Originally Posted by AA BB, 1st Ed.
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
That comfort is gone...why not give up the vice?
Why not?? Because that means making big changes in your entire lifestyle and mindset. With or without the steps of AA you've got to change your whole way of thinking and acting and that's hard to do. That's where doing the steps with a sponsor can be so helpful.
With or without AA, you still need a 'psychic change' or you'll be doing the same things over and over and expecting different results... and that's the definition of insanity.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Even though I don't always agree with them on all things (keithj, yeahgr8, intention, Dee74); heck, I may even disagree with them on lotsa stuff, but here, they, and others, have made some great suggestions. In fact, I can't seem to think of any more (good ones, that is).
However, a couple of things have come to my mind--some things that perhaps need reiterating....Yes, keep looking for a new sponsor (one who sees the program, the road to recovery, through the steps, and not just meetings and trying to be abstinent). Also, as has been mentioned, remember that 'going to any lengths'/following a sponsor's directions/suggestions, do not mean 'anything' and/or 'all' a sponsor's suggestions (i.e.: like 'paint my fence' etc.); a sponsor's directions/suggestions should be firmly backed by what's in the BB. Folks here often mention the 'desperation' needed upon entering this recovery road-trip. Well, I could be wrong, but I think I've read some of that desperation in your posts (and that desperation is a good thing)..... (o:
In your first post here, you wrote, "... I don't believe I can stay sober for more than a month or two..."
HumbleBee touched on this a bit, so here's a bit more..... (o: Did you ever think that you only seem to get a month or two because that's all you're giving yourself permission for.....?
and one final note....I know there are lots of examples for what the A's in AA stand for, but I always liked Attitude Adjustment; that's exactly what I needed.....perhaps for u2....?.... to change the negative 'I do not believe' to the positive 'I can do this, with the help of others,' to change that one or two months to for good 'n all....? just a thought........ (o:
Here's to you, lmy, on this roqad of happy destiny.
NoelleR
However, a couple of things have come to my mind--some things that perhaps need reiterating....Yes, keep looking for a new sponsor (one who sees the program, the road to recovery, through the steps, and not just meetings and trying to be abstinent). Also, as has been mentioned, remember that 'going to any lengths'/following a sponsor's directions/suggestions, do not mean 'anything' and/or 'all' a sponsor's suggestions (i.e.: like 'paint my fence' etc.); a sponsor's directions/suggestions should be firmly backed by what's in the BB. Folks here often mention the 'desperation' needed upon entering this recovery road-trip. Well, I could be wrong, but I think I've read some of that desperation in your posts (and that desperation is a good thing)..... (o:
In your first post here, you wrote, "... I don't believe I can stay sober for more than a month or two..."
HumbleBee touched on this a bit, so here's a bit more..... (o: Did you ever think that you only seem to get a month or two because that's all you're giving yourself permission for.....?
and one final note....I know there are lots of examples for what the A's in AA stand for, but I always liked Attitude Adjustment; that's exactly what I needed.....perhaps for u2....?.... to change the negative 'I do not believe' to the positive 'I can do this, with the help of others,' to change that one or two months to for good 'n all....? just a thought........ (o:
Here's to you, lmy, on this roqad of happy destiny.
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: finding a home
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by citylights
Well, lost, you and I can count today as the first day. I went a week, and was doing well, until I had a terrible terrible breakup and have been drinking the past two days. So I hear you, and just wanted to say I'm with you. I need to let everyone know where I am and get the support of the group--we're going to pick ourselves up and start over, keep trying, I know we'll get if we keep trying and reaching out to other for help. Thanks all.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Chasing the old feeling we can't get anymore keeps a lot of us in the cycle lmw...for me accepting I was an alcoholic, and accepting that the control I sought was never gonna happen, was a turning point for me.
I took me an incredibly long time to do that tho...I hope you make wiser choices than I did - you certainly seem more self aware
D
I took me an incredibly long time to do that tho...I hope you make wiser choices than I did - you certainly seem more self aware
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,568
Do not lose heart, ever. You can banish this poison from your life. I was like Dee - kept trying to moderate until it almost killed me. Yet here I am over 2 yrs. sober after falling back on alcohol for comfort my whole life. I had to learn to live again without it. In the process, I gained some much-needed maturity and character. Who knew?
Never give up on yourselves. You wouldn't be here if you didn't have hope and faith that a new day will dawn. It will happen - keep on walking.
Never give up on yourselves. You wouldn't be here if you didn't have hope and faith that a new day will dawn. It will happen - keep on walking.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 256
Lost - I agree with others that said that by starting with the expectation that you won't make it past a month, that you are actually already in that moment rationalizing and working your way up to that first drink. It may take a month to get from brain to drink in hand, but I really think that's what's going on.
With all due respect to AA, I agree with Humble that it's not about doing the steps so much as really wanting sobriety first. Although I completely believe in the whole surrendering to the reality of powerlessness when it comes to how we behave when we drink...i.e., Humblestudent + Alcohol = Complete inability to think clearly and control further alcohol intake. It's like giving water to a person on a desert at that point. But BEFORE I take that drink...I am in control. Only I can choose to pick it up or not. And, I am squarely responsible for that. Me. Nothing outside of me. Not steps, or no steps, or whatever. You have to get to the point where you want to stop the cycle. My cycles were once a week. Yours are turning to approximately once a month. You can do it - but you have to shift your perspective, and comfort zone, and push through that month to prove to yourself that you can do it...
With all due respect to AA, I agree with Humble that it's not about doing the steps so much as really wanting sobriety first. Although I completely believe in the whole surrendering to the reality of powerlessness when it comes to how we behave when we drink...i.e., Humblestudent + Alcohol = Complete inability to think clearly and control further alcohol intake. It's like giving water to a person on a desert at that point. But BEFORE I take that drink...I am in control. Only I can choose to pick it up or not. And, I am squarely responsible for that. Me. Nothing outside of me. Not steps, or no steps, or whatever. You have to get to the point where you want to stop the cycle. My cycles were once a week. Yours are turning to approximately once a month. You can do it - but you have to shift your perspective, and comfort zone, and push through that month to prove to yourself that you can do it...
Living in the moment!
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Wondering where I belong!
Posts: 126
OH Lost, that dreaded disease just waits patiently for the next moment to take us down!! I understand how you feel....I have relapsed many times even after spending 30 days in rehab! When the bill came for the rehab, I asked them if I could get my money back cuz it didn't work but I realized "I" didn't have a support system set up to help me succeed! It took reaching out and planning on my part to find what worked for me!! SR has helped so much and I continue to ask questions to figure out what I can add to my recovery toolbox to stay sober! Your NOT giving up.....that is excellent!! I never gave up hope either, I refused to accept that drinking, blacking out and feeling like S**T was all there was to MY life!!
For me....the shame, guilt, self-loathing and embarrassment finally out-weighed my desire to drink....How much longer could I stay in that cycle of insanity? I just could not go on abusing my body, mind and spirit the way I have for so many years!!
We are here for you Lost! I hope to lift you up and encourage you to keep on keeping on!!
Sending much love and hugzzzzzzzz
For me....the shame, guilt, self-loathing and embarrassment finally out-weighed my desire to drink....How much longer could I stay in that cycle of insanity? I just could not go on abusing my body, mind and spirit the way I have for so many years!!
We are here for you Lost! I hope to lift you up and encourage you to keep on keeping on!!
Sending much love and hugzzzzzzzz
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
lostmyway Be honest, go to a meeting & come clean on the relapse, ask your sponsor if you can start taking the steps NOW!!!!
If she says no then ask in meetings who would be willing to.
Do a little reading on the early days of AA, you will learn that a newcomer did not even go to thier first meeting until thier sponsor had taken them through all 12 steps!
When I asked me present sponsor to be my sponsor I flat out let him know that I strongly felt I was going to drink soon if I did not do something! He said that it was time for me to take the steps and let me know that he could take me through them as quickly as I needed to take them, but we would not go to the next step until he knew that I had taken the step we were working on to heart.
That was over 3 years ago, I make the same offer to all of my sponsees today. In early AA many people were taken through the steps in a day, & some folks are still doing that today.
If she says no then ask in meetings who would be willing to.
Do a little reading on the early days of AA, you will learn that a newcomer did not even go to thier first meeting until thier sponsor had taken them through all 12 steps!
When I asked me present sponsor to be my sponsor I flat out let him know that I strongly felt I was going to drink soon if I did not do something! He said that it was time for me to take the steps and let me know that he could take me through them as quickly as I needed to take them, but we would not go to the next step until he knew that I had taken the step we were working on to heart.
That was over 3 years ago, I make the same offer to all of my sponsees today. In early AA many people were taken through the steps in a day, & some folks are still doing that today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Somewhere along the Delaware River, Pennsylvania
Posts: 137
Hi all. Last night was not a good one for me. I am feeling very beaten down right now and I let myself drink without much of an internal fight. I did call my sponsor, who finally admitted that she hasn't done all of the steps herself and can only help me with the first three. But she suggested that I may need more than AA and was surprised to hear that I have never been to a rehab.
I would have just stayed in bed this morning, but my husband wasn't having it. He was pretty tough on me. Forced me to get up and into the shower, told me coffee was on in the kitchen (like I cared.) My head was pounding, my mouth tasted awful, I felt like the walking dead. I dropped my kids off at my mother in law's house. I had been planning on just going back home and pulling the covers over my head for the rest of the day, but I decided to buckle down and go to work.
I step back and look at the problem and it seems so simple. I love alcohol. There was a time in my life when I really enjoyed alcohol; before I realized I have a progressive disease. Now, alcohol does not work for me anymore. I can't have just one. I get my hands on alcohol and all bets are off; I will not stop until I have annihilated myself, and then, what good am I? What good am I as a person, as a mother, as a wife, as an employee? None whatsoever. So the obvious thing to do is remove the thing that does not work anymore. The problem is that I can't stop loving the thing that is trying to kill me.
I am going to try again.
But I cannot see where rehab would fit into the picture. I know it's said that if you can find time to drink, you can find time to make it to a meeting. I know that's true, because I've been to lots of meetings. But rehab? That would be a huge investment of time and money. I don't want to miss things my kids are doing, especially my younger one as she is only five months old. And I doubt I would be able to keep my job. Two days after I got the job, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I started getting migraines during the pregnancy and missed a lot of time then. Then of course came maternity leave. THEN came my stay in the psychiatric hospital because I couldn't figure out how to deal with life while sober. So yeah...I doubt I have any more time coming to me.
I would have just stayed in bed this morning, but my husband wasn't having it. He was pretty tough on me. Forced me to get up and into the shower, told me coffee was on in the kitchen (like I cared.) My head was pounding, my mouth tasted awful, I felt like the walking dead. I dropped my kids off at my mother in law's house. I had been planning on just going back home and pulling the covers over my head for the rest of the day, but I decided to buckle down and go to work.
I step back and look at the problem and it seems so simple. I love alcohol. There was a time in my life when I really enjoyed alcohol; before I realized I have a progressive disease. Now, alcohol does not work for me anymore. I can't have just one. I get my hands on alcohol and all bets are off; I will not stop until I have annihilated myself, and then, what good am I? What good am I as a person, as a mother, as a wife, as an employee? None whatsoever. So the obvious thing to do is remove the thing that does not work anymore. The problem is that I can't stop loving the thing that is trying to kill me.
I am going to try again.
But I cannot see where rehab would fit into the picture. I know it's said that if you can find time to drink, you can find time to make it to a meeting. I know that's true, because I've been to lots of meetings. But rehab? That would be a huge investment of time and money. I don't want to miss things my kids are doing, especially my younger one as she is only five months old. And I doubt I would be able to keep my job. Two days after I got the job, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I started getting migraines during the pregnancy and missed a lot of time then. Then of course came maternity leave. THEN came my stay in the psychiatric hospital because I couldn't figure out how to deal with life while sober. So yeah...I doubt I have any more time coming to me.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,508
Hi,
I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today.
I used alcohol to self-medicate during a really difficult time in my life. It worked pretty well for a very, very short time, and then it took over my life. I crossed that invisible line and, of course, there is no going back. But, you can move forward and live a sober life.
Have you read this book "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. It's my favourite. It's a memoir by a young, high-functioning alcoholic woman and her love affair with alcohol. It clearly addresses the grief we feel when we remove alcohol from our lives.
I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today.
I used alcohol to self-medicate during a really difficult time in my life. It worked pretty well for a very, very short time, and then it took over my life. I crossed that invisible line and, of course, there is no going back. But, you can move forward and live a sober life.
Have you read this book "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. It's my favourite. It's a memoir by a young, high-functioning alcoholic woman and her love affair with alcohol. It clearly addresses the grief we feel when we remove alcohol from our lives.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Somewhere along the Delaware River, Pennsylvania
Posts: 137
Hi Anna. I haven't read that book but I think I will. I feel so alone in this sometimes. It would be great to read about someone else who has been through what I am going through now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
1) "...sponsor, who finally admitted that she hasn't done all of the steps herself..."
2) "...and was surprised to hear that I have never been to a rehab."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, #1, NO WONDER she wasn't taking you through the steps (LOL), and #2, I don't know why she was surprised; many folks get (and stay) clean/sober without ever going to a rehab facility (including me and most of my friends, all of whom have 20+ years). She obviously had not been to rehab (if she had, she would have worked more than just the first three steps.
I'm not going to get into whether you 'need' rehab, or not (I'm definitely not qualified), but from what I've learned from those who have gone, a person just learns the tools to get and keep them sober (of course while being isolated---easier to not pick up in this kind of environment), and the tools they learn are the tools that a person learns in AA/NA (which most rehabs take their clients to during their stay, and suggest they continue).
The suggestions from Taz are great......:
1) "...Do a little reading on the early days of AA, you will learn that a newcomer did not even go to thier first meeting until thier sponsor had taken them through all 12 steps!...many people were taken through the steps in a day, & some folks are still doing that today..."
2) "...go to a meeting & come clean on the relapse and ask...who would be willing to...start taking the steps NOW!!!!..."
I wish you well, and like least says, try, and keep trying till you 'get it.'
NoelleR
2) "...and was surprised to hear that I have never been to a rehab."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, #1, NO WONDER she wasn't taking you through the steps (LOL), and #2, I don't know why she was surprised; many folks get (and stay) clean/sober without ever going to a rehab facility (including me and most of my friends, all of whom have 20+ years). She obviously had not been to rehab (if she had, she would have worked more than just the first three steps.
I'm not going to get into whether you 'need' rehab, or not (I'm definitely not qualified), but from what I've learned from those who have gone, a person just learns the tools to get and keep them sober (of course while being isolated---easier to not pick up in this kind of environment), and the tools they learn are the tools that a person learns in AA/NA (which most rehabs take their clients to during their stay, and suggest they continue).
The suggestions from Taz are great......:
1) "...Do a little reading on the early days of AA, you will learn that a newcomer did not even go to thier first meeting until thier sponsor had taken them through all 12 steps!...many people were taken through the steps in a day, & some folks are still doing that today..."
2) "...go to a meeting & come clean on the relapse and ask...who would be willing to...start taking the steps NOW!!!!..."
I wish you well, and like least says, try, and keep trying till you 'get it.'
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
when I'm sober I'm just waiting for the hammer to fall, and just like that, I'll be back to my old ways
any recovering addict is one moment away from taking another drink. usually people with early sobriety are often on the verge of drinking. but also many with lots of sobriety are often on the verge of drinking
may you and i and others find the small glimmer of light within that can lead us to a new life of becoming who we are, one moment at a time
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I spent a long time waiting for the hammer to fall too - it's a horrible feeling and I know the ever present weight of feeling somehow 'this is not right' contributed to me going back.
I'm not suggesting anything about your stories, but for me it was about not really doing enough - I stopped drinking but I had no real desire to change my life.
I know now, for me, I was still thinking about control, not recovery - I wanted to live my old drunken life - just without booze. LOL that didn't work for me.
Maybe I just couldn't really believe I could do it either...but the folks here were good to lean on, even when I doubted myself - and I did many times.
I just...did it...and stayed sober - I didn't pick up a drink day by day, taking whatever action I needed to take for that day, without thinking about it all too much...
I hope you guys can find out what the 'somehow this isn't right' factor is for you
D
I'm not suggesting anything about your stories, but for me it was about not really doing enough - I stopped drinking but I had no real desire to change my life.
I know now, for me, I was still thinking about control, not recovery - I wanted to live my old drunken life - just without booze. LOL that didn't work for me.
Maybe I just couldn't really believe I could do it either...but the folks here were good to lean on, even when I doubted myself - and I did many times.
I just...did it...and stayed sober - I didn't pick up a drink day by day, taking whatever action I needed to take for that day, without thinking about it all too much...
I hope you guys can find out what the 'somehow this isn't right' factor is for you
D
Last edited by Dee74; 03-27-2010 at 03:21 PM. Reason: clarity
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
