The Party Is Over...

Old 03-10-2010, 07:58 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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The Party Is Over...

The party was over when I started looking forward to a party where I would be the only guest. But I enjoyed those parties more.

No hassle, no boundaries, no rules, no nothing, just total and utter oblivion. As long as I had my backpack stashed with cans of beers, couple grams of Coke, 5 pills, and 20 Ciggies then I was a happy man. I didn't want for much in the world just my 'sesh' and I was happy. Not too much to ask for really was it?

That is the power that alcoholism and drug addiction has over you though. If there were no knock-on repercussions then all would be OK but there are.

You see it hadn't always used to be like that. I used to go out drinking in town every week without fail and used to love it. I was a total-binge drinker but so was everyone else. I was hardcore and got wrecked every time but it would stop there until the next weekend. I would still participate in life.

I embraced drink and drugs and started using a lot of Coke and pills too, but it was all part of the lifestyle that I lived, nothing sinister, just hedonism on nightís out/parties and nights alone. In search of that ultimate high if you like. The people who I could relate to and find empathy towards were becoming less and less and more sordid places would need to be sought out to find similar company.

Drink had become my best friend and nothing really mattered to me anymore as long as I would be seeing my friend again. My hopes and dreams had all but faded and I was unemployed, had lost my driving license for two years, was totally depressed and all I had to live for was my oblivion... my release, my escape from the f*cked up corrupt world.

I now found myself drinking alone on park benches as nobody understood me and I was ashamed of how I might act in pubs when blackout drunk. I really was never violent or anything like that, but just trying to run away from myself and life in general by drinking myself away. My hangovers now consisted of intense cravings for more booze and I could now only stop a drinking binge after 2 days straight drinking when I was physically too exhausted to buy anymore booze. Only to swear to myself that I was giving it up for me good this time but after a few days feeling so terrible and depressed and discontented with life that another drunk was the only escape.

I couldnít see a way out from all this. Why couldnít I pull myself together or think straight like all my peers who had careers, were getting married and seemed settled and happy? I couldnít understand why I had been dealt such a cruel twist of fate; to have such promise and potential; only for it to be stripped away from me and me not knowing what the hell was happening. The only remedy was to reach out for my best friend who had been with me since the age of 14 and then properly since 16.

Then it finally dawned upon me the heartbreaking reality that my best friend was in fact my worst enemy. The booze would create a whole new mess for me, only for my solution to the mess that it had created. would be to get wasted to forget about how f*cked up everything is.

This continued for a couple of years. I was sliding down lower and lower and my self-esteem was at rock-bottom. I remember nearly giving up once and just totally succumbing to my alcoholism and just giving up and if I died I died... who cared at least I would be drunk. Then it dawned on me the insanity of this thinking. How alcohol truly corrupts and warps your mind to fit itís twisted desire.

It took a few more binges until I finally reached where I am today 8 months and two days down the road of sobriety. I tried for 3 solid days to prolong the party drinking more and more and taking more and more Coke. I was a liability and a total and utter mess. I was fighting to keep booze in my life when there is no way the two are compatible for me.

I will forever remember the train journey back home and the feeling of surrender and total and utter defeat. I surrendered and admitted wholeheartedly that the Party is over and that Iím an alcoholic and a drug addict.

Peace and Love x
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Old 03-10-2010, 08:13 AM
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THAT party is over and THIS party has just begun.

You claim that you were a liability and total and utter mess while attending THAT party. IMHO you are an asset and example here in THIS party.

This post is full of your usual honesty and power. Thank you.

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Old 03-10-2010, 01:40 PM
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I agree with 55438 Neo - your honesty and power shine though your posts. I'm thrilled that you now see things so clearly. I, too, relished the comfort of oblivion. As you know, I tried to continue my party for many more years past what you did. I'm so happy you will never put yourself through the hell that many of us have - you stopped your self-destruction in it's tracks. Everything you hoped to achieve is still possible.
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Old 03-10-2010, 01:59 PM
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This is a great post, Neo. It rocked my attitude today. That party is DEFINITELY over. I've put everyone on notice. Thanks for posting this, this was great.
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Old 03-10-2010, 04:07 PM
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You are amazing and a total inspiration
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Old 03-10-2010, 06:12 PM
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Yes, the party is over and for me, I'm totally glad, since it wasn't fun anymore.
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Old 03-11-2010, 05:40 AM
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You've become an amazing person and inspiration. Thanks for the thread.
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Old 03-11-2010, 05:49 AM
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That hit the nail on the head. Thanks for sharing.
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Old 03-12-2010, 11:01 AM
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Hope... That is what sobriety has ultimately given me. Where there is a feeling of no-hope is a very dark place. I have managed to create a feeling of hope and optimism in my life by constructively making future plans that are only possible because 'just for today I will not pick up a drink of alcohol'.

Without my sobriety I literally have nothing other than booze and drugs because all hope would be lost. I don;t think I could cope with that. I love the feeling of positivity and not knowing what the future will bring but knowing that it will all turn out positively. When I stop and think about it I am ever so grateful for being a recovering alcoholic. Knowing that I am an alcoholic has made evrything so much simpler.

Knowing that I am only ever one drink away from losing everything keeps me grounded and focussed.

Happy Sober Friday night everyone.

peace and Love
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