The Party Is Over...
The party was over when I started looking forward to a party where I would be the only guest. But I enjoyed those parties more.
No hassle, no boundaries, no rules, no nothing, just total and utter oblivion. As long as I had my backpack stashed with cans of beers, couple grams of Coke, 5 pills, and 20 Ciggies then I was a happy man. I didn't want for much in the world just my 'sesh' and I was happy. Not too much to ask for really was it?
That is the power that alcoholism and drug addiction has over you though. If there were no knock-on repercussions then all would be OK but there are.
You see it hadn't always used to be like that. I used to go out drinking in town every week without fail and used to love it. I was a total-binge drinker but so was everyone else. I was hardcore and got wrecked every time but it would stop there until the next weekend. I would still participate in life.
I embraced drink and drugs and started using a lot of Coke and pills too, but it was all part of the lifestyle that I lived, nothing sinister, just hedonism on night’s out/parties and nights alone. In search of that ultimate high if you like. The people who I could relate to and find empathy towards were becoming less and less and more sordid places would need to be sought out to find similar company.
Drink had become my best friend and nothing really mattered to me anymore as long as I would be seeing my friend again. My hopes and dreams had all but faded and I was unemployed, had lost my driving license for two years, was totally depressed and all I had to live for was my oblivion... my release, my escape from the f*cked up corrupt world.
I now found myself drinking alone on park benches as nobody understood me and I was ashamed of how I might act in pubs when blackout drunk. I really was never violent or anything like that, but just trying to run away from myself and life in general by drinking myself away. My hangovers now consisted of intense cravings for more booze and I could now only stop a drinking binge after 2 days straight drinking when I was physically too exhausted to buy anymore booze. Only to swear to myself that I was giving it up for me good this time but after a few days feeling so terrible and depressed and discontented with life that another drunk was the only escape.
I couldn’t see a way out from all this. Why couldn’t I pull myself together or think straight like all my peers who had careers, were getting married and seemed settled and happy? I couldn’t understand why I had been dealt such a cruel twist of fate; to have such promise and potential; only for it to be stripped away from me and me not knowing what the hell was happening. The only remedy was to reach out for my best friend who had been with me since the age of 14 and then properly since 16.
Then it finally dawned upon me the heartbreaking reality that my best friend was in fact my worst enemy. The booze would create a whole new mess for me, only for my solution to the mess that it had created. would be to get wasted to forget about how f*cked up everything is.
This continued for a couple of years. I was sliding down lower and lower and my self-esteem was at rock-bottom. I remember nearly giving up once and just totally succumbing to my alcoholism and just giving up and if I died I died... who cared at least I would be drunk. Then it dawned on me the insanity of this thinking. How alcohol truly corrupts and warps your mind to fit it’s twisted desire.
It took a few more binges until I finally reached where I am today 8 months and two days down the road of sobriety. I tried for 3 solid days to prolong the party drinking more and more and taking more and more Coke. I was a liability and a total and utter mess. I was fighting to keep booze in my life when there is no way the two are compatible for me.
I will forever remember the train journey back home and the feeling of surrender and total and utter defeat. I surrendered and admitted wholeheartedly that the Party is over and that I’m an alcoholic and a drug addict.
Peace and Love x