Angry at myself - just need to write this out

Old 02-19-2010, 07:40 AM
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Angry at myself - just need to write this out

I have a few thoughts running through my head that I just want to share here – maybe typing all this out will help me sort through them. I’ve put some of this info in some replies to posts over the past week or so, but this is going be my long rant all in one place.

I quit alcohol back on 3/16/09, after drinking a lot every other day, being hung over every other day, for about 20 years. Since then, I drank “responsibly” – e.g., one or 2 drinks on maybe 4 special occasions between May 09-Sep 09.

Those “responsible drinking” events made me think I no longer had a problem with alcohol, and starting right around Christmas up until last weekend I ended up getting really drunk every other weekend or so. Before Christmas, my wife and I went out to eat and had a bottle of wine, then decided to go to the liquor store to get another bottle to drink at home. Our relationship has suffered greatly in the past because of my drinking, but she has never truly spoken out against my drinking – she does not have an alcohol problem, and thinks I just need to control my intake better, not really understanding that is essentially impossible for someone with a drinking problem.

Anyway, back to the last few weeks. Since she and I seemed to come to this silent understanding that it was OK for me to drink again, we started keeping a bottle of vodka stashed somewhere, as we wanted to keep the drinking out of sight of our kids. I found that I can still drink amounts like I could at my alcohol peak – 4 or 5 shots to get started, then a shot or two every hour, plus a mini-bottle of schnapps thrown in for good measure. IIRC, I have done this 4 or 5 times over the last couple of months. Even more scary, last Saturday I drank a little during the early afternoon , after I had been drunk Friday night. Writing this down makes it sound really bad, but it is nowhere near as bad as I was a year ago, by the way.

I have not returned to my every-other-day pattern by no means, and I have re-committed myself to COMPLETELY stopping. I don’t want to struggle to “control” what is a train wreck waiting to happen.

Another thing – back last year when I first got on SR and was realizing I needed to quit, I was down, depressed, nervous, etc. This week I have been ANGRY at myself and the whole idea of drinking in general.

I’m thankful for SR and everyone here.
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Old 02-19-2010, 07:52 AM
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You are wise to quit! I just stopped again after starting back up. It tool several months of drinking again and I had a full blown problem again. Worse than ever too. I kept at it for 2 years before I stopped again 5 days ago. This last 2 years have been hell. I could not function without alcohol. You will notice when you quit entirely how much more respect you have for yourself! This last time, my self-asteem hit an all time low. If you are an alcoholic like me, you have to realize you just can't drink. The problem is that, after time goes by, you think you can 'handle it better' this next time. That is the scary part.
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Old 02-19-2010, 08:00 AM
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Hi Saddler

not sure if this will help but I just wanted you to know I have tried to control my drinking and managed to have only one or two drinks a night - and ta-da I had beat it (not) anyway I finally realised today that a story a friend who was addicted to heroin applied just as much to me as it did to him - he told me he was addicted to heroin the first time he took it but didn't know it - he told me that after the first time he took it he didn't feel the need to take it again and because it is all over the media that it can be addictive the first time, he thought that he was safe to try it again and once again he didn't feel any need to do it again (he thought he was now immune to addiction), but of course he did and again - each break in between becoming shorter and shorter until one day he had to stop to travel to see family and he went into withdrawal - then he knew he was an addict.

Anyway - I think alcohol is the same for me - I THINK I can control it but within a few weeks I am back to square one - so don't feel bad - alcoholism is sneaky stuff
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Old 02-19-2010, 12:34 PM
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Hi Saddler,

Just a few thoughts that you already know.

Originally Posted by Saddler View Post
I quit alcohol back on 3/16/09. Since then, I drank “responsibly” – e.g., one or 2 drinks on maybe 4 special occasions between May 09-Sep 09.
You understand the absurdity of these two statements together, right?
Originally Posted by AA BB 1st
The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker.
You really didn't quit drinking. You tried to control it, limiting when and how much. Special occasions only. Just 1 or 2.
Originally Posted by AA BB 1st
All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.
Alcoholics can't agree on much. But one thing that most of us do agree on is that complete abstinance is required. Most of us have tried all those countless, vain attempts to prove we could drink like normal people. That said, I'm not suggesting that you are an alcoholic like me.

But, if you'd like to find out, Chapter 3 of the Big Book that I posted the quotes from might get you thinking about it.
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Old 02-19-2010, 01:48 PM
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I agree I was being stupid, that is why I'm back here at SR and so angry with myself. I realize I should not drink at all, ever. Trying to control the uncontrollable is a losing proposition.
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Old 02-19-2010, 01:57 PM
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Welcome back Saddler

I agree - I can never dance with the Devil again...I just lose my autonomy, and I've grown to like that.

If you're angry - at least use it. Make a plan - check out your support options, and really make this a problem of the past.

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Old 02-19-2010, 02:05 PM
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Saddler, I hope it helped to write it out. I know it helped me to be able to do that here, since no one else in my life understood what I was going through.

I did the same thing as you, tried to moderate many times - anything but have to give it up entirely. I couldn't imagine facing life head on without anesthesia. How sad that I felt that way for so many years. In the end, it was never fun anymore - and trying to control it became more trouble than it was worth. I never could predict what would happen once I took that first sip. I might have 2 (usually not) or I might have 20 and be off on another month's long binge.

I decided it was never going to be the enjoyable relaxing thing it was long ago. Also, it was slowly killing my spirit and destroying my health. The euphoric early drinking days could never come back. How I fought to have it not be so! You are doing the right thing, and I'm so glad you talked about it here.
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