Saddler, I hope it helped to write it out. I know it helped me to be able to do that here, since no one else in my life understood what I was going through.
I did the same thing as you, tried to moderate many times - anything but have to give it up entirely. I couldn't imagine facing life head on without anesthesia. How sad that I felt that way for so many years. In the end, it was never fun anymore - and trying to control it became more trouble than it was worth. I never could predict what would happen once I took that first sip. I might have 2 (usually not) or I might have 20 and be off on another month's long binge.
I decided it was never going to be the enjoyable relaxing thing it was long ago. Also, it was slowly killing my spirit and destroying my health. The euphoric early drinking days could never come back. How I fought to have it not be so! You are doing the right thing, and I'm so glad you talked about it here.