Addicted to Lortab , Scared , I will Quit! (LONG)

Old 02-19-2010, 09:32 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Addicted to Lortab , Scared , I will Quit! (LONG)

Where to start ... Let me first say that I think my underlying anxiety has fueled my addiction to Lortab. I grew up thinking that a shrink was a sign of weakness and never went ... I also attribute big changes in my life as major causes of stress. I am starting to realize that coping with my stress is why my addiction began ... REWIND 1998 . Graduated from high school , a milestone of course. My first very serious girlfriend / highschool sweetheart (now loving, best wife ever!) moved one hour away to college. I stayed back home and worked and went to community college. God blessed me with a loving home life and loving parents. I am holding back tears as I write this .. how did I let this happen. I have always had a fear of losing control which makes me a bit of a hypochondriac. I have been overweight all my life some of which I blame my mother for not teaching me good eating habits despite the rest of my family being in good shape. As far as drug / alcohol use , I did some experimenting in high school. I never got drunk in high school , and even through college was drunk less than 15 times. My grandfather was an abusive alcoholic. My father who is 62 has never swallowed a sip of alcohol and has not been strict about that, but has warned me of what he went through. I did partake in smoking a little weed in high school and college. I never really enjoyed it, it was just a social thing to do. My father and I attended a movie in early 1998 , this is where I experienced my first PANIC ATTACK. This was horrifying. He took me to the ER and everything checked out okay. I felt like someone has laced my drink with something. Life with anxiety changed after that. The next few months were rough, visits to the doctors , constantly a fear of dying, and everything else that comes with panic anxiety. My parents took me to shrink, to whom I was not honest with, he prescribed buspar, and I never took it. So a few months go by and I am in college with my girlfriend. The next few years are pretty good. We have always had a good relationship. Of course, graduation rolled around and I started getting nervous about the next chapter in life. This passes , I start working with my father who paid me well , and was doing a good job running his business. My girlfriend and I got married in 2003 , bought a house, and things were good. My father and I were side by side every day, I love my father .. well he was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in 2004. This thew me for a loop. This is where I started having dental problems from not keeping up with visits while in college. I had a lot of work done over the next couple years. I had my first root canal and lortab in 2005/6 .. I had a few more later on .. I really did not like the meds ... they actually made me feel sick. Dad made a recovery after multiple issues by the grace of God (lung cancer , heart attack ((I was holding his hand while he coded and was gone for 3 minutes , they took me away to see the chaplain .. they got him back , then a brain tumor a few months later)). All this was very stressful as you could imagine. I started taking his percocet , not too much , a few here and there ... this was my crutch to get through it all. Eventually we were forced to sell the company for what all the bank notes were for. Dad did not have a ton of money , but a decent amount .. not to mention everthing he owns (house , vacation house , cars , are all paid for). At this point , we tried doing a brokerage business out of my house, to which I think was just depressing to stay home all day. I think he felt guilty about not being able to provide a career for me. I eventually went out on my own and started an insurance agency which is doing well. At this point my wife and I have had our first daughter. We moved to a new house in 2006 where my agency was located. We moved about 45 minutes from our home town. The agency was slow going, I racked up some manageable debt to get started .. things were not going great with the business in mid 2007 ... we had our second child, my son in April ... and that's when a buddy of mine started working a job site near me where pills grew on trees. Well I started taking them .. and I liked them this time. It started small and my the end of 2007 was up to 6 10 MG lortabs a day. Not a ton , but way to much. In early 08 , I told myself that was too many. I cut down to 4.5 a day for a while , and down to 4 for most of 08. I got in a bad boat wreck in May 08 , which gave me a neck injury and as many pills as I wanted. I no longer bought them off the street. In August of 08 I moved my office back near my home town and things picked up. A bank called one of my line of credits, which I managed to pay off somehow. Here comes 09 ... still taking about 4 tabs per day. My wife is wanting to go for child number 3 , and I am not 100% ready but agree , she gets pregnant in July. As 09 goes along I eventually scale back my pills from 4 a day , to 3.5 , to 3 , to 2.5 , to where I am today at 2. At least I am good about knowing limits and what people are capable of on these ... remember my buddy who was getting these for me in 07? Well , he is now snorting more than 100 MG a day of oxycodone ... I am trying to help him but feel like a hypocrite. Well I am happy to say that we had a beautiful girl a week ago today. She is so cute. Having three kids at home , even though I am not there just makes me nervous. I think babies being so fragile makes me nervous too. I was not close to my kids until they were 18 mo - 2 yo. At this point I feel so guilty about taking pills when an otc pain reliever would be fine. I have a ton of pills and refills ... blah blah. I feel as if I am only taking enough pills for me not to withdraw. I always feel like crap , even with the pills .. so much anxiety it makes me dizzy a lot , jaw and head are always in a vice. I think that my one time stress reliever is now causing me stress. So what's the point? For the first time I really have a driving force in my head telling me to quit .. not because I can't find any .. b/c it is the right thing to do. I hope this will make me feel better, to get more done , to be less stressed. These pills have taken the fun and motivation right out of me. I want to be able to go to the gym again , eat healthy again, play hard with my kids again. My guilt gets deeper and deeper by the day. I look at what I have, and this Royal Flush God has dealt me , Everyone in all in .. and I have folded ... I don't want to fold any more! I had 10 MG yesterday at 4 PM eastern .. so it's been almost 20 hours .. I don't feel so bad. Oh .. forgot to mention I do have a script for xannax .25 . It is from my TMJ doc, the only thing that takes away tension in the jaw. I do not want to trade one drug for another , but I can have 30 of these sit around for 3-4 months. Any advice? I am expecting to not feel great this weekend. Please pray for me and let me know your comments or advice.
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Old 02-19-2010, 09:42 AM
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Anna's Avatar
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I wish you well!

I self-medicated anxiety/depression too, and I found, not surprisingly, that alcohol made the anxiety much worse. Added to that was the guilt and shame that the addiction caused and I was in a far worse mess than before. Stopping drinking made everything in my life more manageable.
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Old 02-19-2010, 09:46 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Paris KY
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you will find a lot of support here!! I was in the same boat as you, I started on the tabs and went to perk 30mg about 7 a day up the ole nose like ur buddy. We've been there and are a big welcome.
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Old 02-19-2010, 10:30 AM
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Welcome Marchingant. You have a lot up there which I can imagine has caused some mental and emotional trauma. If you're not seeing a therapist I for one would recommend seeing one. Maybe a cognitive behavior specialist?

I have found, for myself, that my using the alcohol originally to self medicate was because I did not having the coping tools to deal with all of the stresses that life deals us.

Good luck to you. You will get tons of support here.
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Old 02-19-2010, 02:46 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 210,605
Hi MarchingAnt


I agree with everyone else here - self medication is a really dangerous road to go down.
How much do your various doctors know?

I have no experience with lortabs or xanax, but I recommend you visit our substance abuse forum as well - you'll find a lot of advice there too

Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

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