HumbleBee

What's that saying..."where the mind goes, the feet will follow."

Just catching up on posts - storms knocked power out for days.

pw, I've tried the 'geographical cure' - made so many moves that my family used to keep my contact info in pencil.

I thought a change of address would bring about a change of life only to discover that the change has to come from deep inside and not from a zip code.

There's no time like the present - that's why it's called a gift. :day6

Sorry to be full of cliches but they do apply. I wish you well. Keep posting and take care of yourself.

pw773

Thank you guys. And I do agree. I've pulled the geographic before. I hear what you are saying. I have cut my friends out of my life but the thing is, I can go anywhere and... if you're an addict you can relate to this... coke finds me. It's everywhere. Ok, I guess I'm keeping an eye out for it too, to be honest.

I'm not giving up on this fight. I WANT sobriety and I'm going to achieve it. Life is way enjoyable when I'm sober. Getting there is painful but being off the wagon is no picnic either. Soooo.... I just gotta say thank you for responding and giving me hope and understanding... and keeping me honest.

I have not been involved in other activities. I travel a lot for pleasure. And I partake in over indulgence when I travel. So I've put my travels on hold. I have started back at the gym which I really enjoy. I would like to retun to golf. Also, meetings are going to be necessary as all of you have suggested. I'm keeping optomisitic. Depression and lonliness is a constant battle but one that I can confront. And you guys are right, I need to confront this with help.

angharad

Depression is a bitch, and even though i live with my partner i get lonely. It sucks. I suffer from bipolar. For me the first 6 months of moving away was purely involved in looking for coke and dealers. my partner doesn't do it and we don't go out. I even ALMOST resorted to one of my clients who i know was a known coke user to see if she could get me any (im a community children's nurse with familiys who have problems) and that is when i thought "**** it i have to stop cuz i cant risk my career!". You are brave and if u have it in you then you can do it im thinking of you -x-

pw773

ughhh, lost phone... i think a couple of kids got a hold of it. This page was on my phone when it disappeared. I trust that the individuals are responsible or ignorant. maybe they will return the phone to the gym. you never know. it's good for karma, right?

I can just hope

pw773

completing day 4.... damn i'm irritable. you'd think I'd be use to it considering how many times i have seen day 4. ok... things will get better little by little. Even if I don't notice the change from day to day it's moving in the right direction.... better away from coke than towards it.
lol well thanks for letting me coach myself outloud.

angharad

How are things going? haven't heard from you in a few days

dedubya

Hey PW
you can do it. I did. I am in my forties, and dated a girl around 20 yrs ago that had that crap in truckloads all the time- and she was attractive. First time I did it was then. Turned into a 5 or 6 year issue. Haven't touched it since, it was so obsessive (like alcohol has been recently for me). You dont need that ****, it will run you into a brick wall - you know that. I know you have heard it, but AA and NA is so great- the thing is, in my opinion is listening to people that have been down that path, and seeing how great they feel now is SO inspirational. Give it a shot- tip from the Dude.
Love and Peace
Dub

pw773

Thanks Ded.... I hear what you are saying and I thank you for the encouragement. I have been slipping so frequently lately, weekly, that I see I'm moving back into that everyday or every other day pattern. Yes, you are right! perfect time for meetings. I can't help but feel like I'm just a fraud. I wonder..... is there something else wrong with other than substance abuse? Actually, i'm seriously concerned that there is. I don't want to face that fact. I'm alone. I blame being alone on my addictions. I've tried sobriety, maybe not long enough, and I was still alone. I'm afaid that I'm not capable of intimacy. I'm scared of initmacy. If I quit all substances, I have to face the possibilty that I just may be alone... and sober... so I'd feel it. the thought terrifies me. I've spent many years in therapy so this isn't old hat to me. At least with my addictions I can tangibly point to something as an excuse as to why i'm not loveable or in a relationship. It's a substance, it's not me. It's a disease, It's not me...

I'm basically just scared. I guess this is what seperates the boys for the men. Am I ready? my actions are staying no. but my attempts at reaching out to the aa community are proving otherwise..... I am a master manipulator... and I am my worst pigeon. So I'm just trying to keep myself honest.

Thanks for all of your support. I'm beginning to recognize and care about you guys

pw773

It was a sober day