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Newbie and Here is my story

Old 01-25-2010, 02:56 PM
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Smile Newbie and Here is my story

I am here to share my story, listen to yours, offer support and receive support. I grew up in an alcohol free house. Not much money but due to the history of alcoholism that mom grew up with in her Irish-American house, she never wanted the violence to come into our home. I first encountered alcohol like many in high school. Oh I could drink the 40s and down the shots of cheap vodka till I was passed out. On occasion and that is how I kept my drinking for years. Social...few beers every few weeks. I worked full time, took care of sick mom and went to college full time. No time for alcohol or addictions....I was positive, proud, determined and an all around good strong person. The rock for friends and family to vent. I want to be strong like Kim. Yes that was me a long time ago.....What happened to that Kim?

Well I met a great guy and dated and things were serious off the bat. A few months into things I had an unplanned pregnancy that I terminated. That was the event or the trigger if you will. I made a choice that I thought was best considering my situation and I could not justify bringing a child into this world with the treatment I was getting from this man. Guess what? After he ignored me, yelled at me...blah blah...he begged me back and somehow I married him. Somehow justifying my decision;determined to right the wrong. I never sought counseling (as I should have) and he was quite the drinker. What started as the occasional weekend social drink turned into nightly social drinking and getting drunk. Oh it was fun at first but the alcohol was creeping into my life. My husband slowly went from being the heavy drinker..who needed me to pick his sorry puking self up to him saying...You drink to much.

I ended up getting laid off with the IT bust back in 2002 and he became a verbally abusive animal to me. Telling me on a daily basis that I was worthless, a loser, and nothing without him. What did I do? Numb the pain and try and figure out how to deal. His family was beyond in their comments and he NEVER supported me. I had to bite my tongue and hang my head more or less. Shut up and deal. Well that ain't me so what did I do. Get wasted to forget it and put on the happy drunk face.

Well after years of this nonsense and subsequent infertility issues (of course I believed God was punishing me instead of looking at my drinking problem) he filed for divorce. I hit rock bottom friends. I mean rock bottom. Abortion, divorce.....wow...all I missing is suicide to finish out with the Roman Catholic Church. I hated him and myself and I ended up in the ER a few times in 2008 because of the drinking. Should've died with the way I holed myself up alone in the house. I eventually moved on and actually met my wonderful husband who is my rock and angel. Sadly the drinking did not leave with the ex.

I have been a daily (usually nights but if alone with no need to go out) drinker for quite a few years. Oh I can go out sober and stay sober but once I hit home....pop open the bottle. Can't even unload the groceries without pouring the wine. It used to be Captain and Coke....Hell...I could bang out a handle in one night...and I am 5'6 134lbs. Pretty sad so I quit and went to the wine which has been my staple since summer of 2009. Hubby knows and sees what I do (he very rarely drinks) but had been down the same path as me years ago with his ex wife and her cheating so he does not judge but has been worried about the out of control drinking. I talk openly about my feelings, he has seen my withdrawals in the past, he has seen my wrist paralyzed a month because a horrid night of drinking. He has gone without dinner many a night because I too busy drinking to do dinner. Never did he yell....but i saw the pain in his eyes watching me slowly kill myself.

My drinking went from numbing to causing pain. Missing appts, feeling like a loser, thinking everyone hated me. Too many times I didn't remember who in the world I talked to or what plans I made. But I would be damned if I was going to let plans interrupt my drinking. I would set great plans for the day and wham....half in the bag some days and it wasn't even 1pm. Wow...how pathetic was that but once I puked or slept a bit...there I was back at it again. I wanted to stop but felt powerless. Alcohol had me and the more it made me anxious and depressed....the more I said why bother.

I know this is so longwinded but for me this is part of recovery. I want me back, my life and all that I can be and alcohol that ******* just kept me comatose enough that I didn't have to try. As long as I could get to that liquor store and stock up in bulk....I didn't have to leave the house. It was like milk and bread to me....I had to have on stock or I would freak out.

I am now 6 days sober cold turkey. ENOUGH. I am taking responsibility of my life and my actions. I am sharing with some but I have my husband....who is my best friend for helping me see the goodness I have in me. I will not drink again. I don't think or know if I can ever have a drink again and I will not risk it. I have an appt with the gym in the morning, quit smoking classes next week, doing my thiamine and drinking tons of water. Yes, I am irritable and had nasty cold and hot sweats but that has subsided. I am in recovery and I must be accountable for my actions.

Thank you all for listening. I am beyond proud of myself because I never tried to quit since I thought it was hopeless....but if the good Lord didn't see me dead before and sent me this wonderful angel of man to help me.....He has bigger and better plans for me. I am an alcoholic on the road to sobriety and am grateful to have a wonderful support group here of people who understand.

Kim

PS - I just typed from the heart so ignore the typos since I didn't proof. I need to post this since I feel liberated to actually talk about this and not to feel ashamed.

Thank you - God Bless
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Old 01-25-2010, 03:04 PM
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Welcome to SR Kim.
It sounds like from your post that you are lucky to have a great man to support you and it also sounds like you are sincere with a good heart and worth it.
Good luck in your quest.
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Old 01-25-2010, 03:06 PM
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Hi Kim and welcome.

Thank you for sharing your story. 6 days sober is great, well done. Once you are done, you are done and it sounds like you are done!

I found that once I finally made that decision to quit and accepted that I could never drink again, I was actually relieved. I could start living my life again.

Looking forward to hearing you share some more.
Take care.
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Old 01-25-2010, 03:14 PM
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hey kim.........welcome...im glad your here.
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Old 01-25-2010, 03:30 PM
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Hi Kim, welcome to SR. Good for you for posting all that, I can relate to a lot of it myself-- it does help to get it out and SR is a great place to get and receive support. You do not have to do this on your own.
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Old 01-25-2010, 03:32 PM
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Thank you all so much for your kind support!!! I need people that have walked and or walking in my shoes. Here is a blurb I just posted on another post but I figured I would share what happened the day I quit:

My hubby said today that I love you sober because you are active and doing things. You cook, clean, make your appts, it is the woman I love!!! It was him who found me passed out the day before I quit.....out of it at the computer asking for a fork....when there was no food. I don't even remember. He then said....I don't like you drunk. You aren't you. It was then with a good crying session....I said to him....I have a problem....I am an alcoholic and he gave me the biggest hug and said thank you honey.....I have been waiting so long for you to say that. It is only then that you will get sober.

Ok...Im crying now in joy because in a few hours it will be 7 days sober. I have NEVER gone more then 4 days sober since 2002.

God Bless and keep the faith!!!
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Old 01-25-2010, 03:35 PM
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Oh and I will add my hubby is active duty and with his crazy hours and trips...he always has to time for me. He is my hero and showed me that life can be better on the sober side.
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Old 01-25-2010, 04:27 PM
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Welcome again Kim
I'm glad you have such wonderful support from your husband.

Congratulations on your (almost nearly) week
D
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Old 01-25-2010, 04:36 PM
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Welcome and good for you having 6 days sober.

You are lucky to have the support of your husband.
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Old 01-25-2010, 04:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Kmber2010 View Post
Oh and I will add my hubby is active duty and with his crazy hours and trips...he always has to time for me. He is my hero and showed me that life can be better on the sober side.
Hello Kim!

Welcome and congratulations on nearly seven days!

I was active duty in Germany when I got sober. Fantastic program at Landstuhl GE.

There were a great many meetings and support for those who wanted it, and I did.

Beth
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Old 01-25-2010, 04:57 PM
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Good job Kim!Thanks for your post.
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Old 01-25-2010, 05:18 PM
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Welcome to SR! Sounds like you've got a very loving supportive husband. I'm glad you're here. Six days sober is a great start to a better simpler more rewarding life.

:ghug3
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Old 01-25-2010, 05:33 PM
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Hey Kim!
Congradulations and the best of luck to you. You seem to have a great man by your side, see I'm here not because I have a problem but because my man has it. I feel that I need help myself, to understand what he is going through and well I really liked your story, I just wish I could be as supportave to my man as yours is to you.
Marie
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Old 01-25-2010, 05:50 PM
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[/QUOTE]I feel liberated to actually talk about this and not to feel ashamed.
[/QUOTE]

Welcome, Kim. Way to go on 7 days!!! Keep posting!
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Old 01-25-2010, 05:59 PM
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Welcome Kimber

I too am sort of a newbie. I was too drunk to post the first time I attempted it. I am now sober for 9 hours. May not sound like much, but for me it is nothing less than miraculous.

Your story was touching, and you sound like a very intelligent and sweet person. I am all too familiar with being in a toxic relationship that involved drugs/alcohol, but you are very lucky to have found someone who loves you enough that they will help you through the nightmare that is drug/alcohol addiction.

I too have always been considered 'strong' by relatives and past friends, yet inside I'm in inexplicable fear. That is why I'm so glad I found this site.., So that I can can talk to or hear from others who have known this horrible thing.

My heart and thoughts are with you :-)
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Old 01-25-2010, 07:17 PM
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Hello Kim and :ghug3 2 you!
Congratulations on your six days. Awesome.
You can do this, and now that you have admitted that you are an alcoholic, it will get better. Just do not drink today, do not think of the long haul, just focus on today.
Come here and read often and share.
PS: Loved Visiting Germany in 1980 to 1983, was active military myself. Beautiful country.
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Old 01-25-2010, 07:26 PM
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6 days sober is awesome! Welcome to SR.
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Old 01-26-2010, 08:46 AM
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Thank you all so much!!! We all can do this!!!! Steven 35.......Congrats on 9 hours my friend. I counted hours and still am. Every minute sober counts!

Huggs to all!!!
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Old 01-26-2010, 10:54 AM
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Great Job Kim!!!! I did the laundery and dishes after I sobered up and my wife almost passed out from shock!
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