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Old 12-04-2009, 12:20 PM
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Help.......

Hello,

I am 28 and recently broke up with my boyfriend. He was a recovering herion addict when I met him and thought he was on the path to recovery. For 3 years he battled with drinking and drug use and was horrible to be around. A few weeks ago he came home drunk and high and told me he didnt love me anymore and moved out. I was devastated, even though I was miserable in the relationship. After he left me he was arrested for resisting arrest, possesion of cannabis, he totalled his car and fled the scene to avoid a DUI. He was released off parole a few weeks before he left me so I think he may get some jail time out of these charges, maybe that will sober him up. He already has a new girlfriend and I am getting updates constantly about what he is doing because we live in a small town. He also lives across the street from where I work. I cant even go out with friends without running into him. It breaks my heart. It is so hard because there was a nice side to him and it is like he hates me, or resents me when I did nothing wrong but try and get him to be sober. I know this is best for me, I could never take him back no matter what he does, but am struggeling with why a life of drugs and alcohol is so much worse than a sober life with me. I wish my heart felt like my mind. Any words of encouragement? Thank you for listening.
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Old 12-04-2009, 12:35 PM
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Welcome to SR. I'm an alcoholic and not sure how to encourage you, apart from letting you know that when I drank I was very self-destructive and always thinking if I change my situation my drinking will change. Of course I had to learn the hard way that the alcohol made me feel that way. I do believe there is a forum on here for family and friends that are affected. Although everybody will try and help you here, maybe you also find advise there.
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Old 12-04-2009, 01:17 PM
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Perhaps I'm misreading what you wrote but it seems like you are taking this personal. His drug use is not your fault, and you don't need to feel any kind of guilt or shame from it. He is an addict who apparently does not want to stop. You need to move on with your life and let him go do whatever he wants. You may want to consider going to Alanon or Narconon. These groups help friends and family members of the user to cope and move on with their lives. I wish you all the best.
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Old 12-04-2009, 01:51 PM
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Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome to SR. I know that loving someone that is in love with getting high is a heartbreaking situation. Unless he seeks help himself you can't do much for him. Try to care for yourself and heal yourself. The link above will help you to converse with others in your similar situation.
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Old 12-04-2009, 02:10 PM
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Hi Karbi

Welcome to SR.

I'm sorry for your situation - it's never easy loving an active addict because there's always another lover in the picture - their booze or drugs. I don't think it does you any good to blame yourself Karbi.

Please do check out the link HL provided above - we also have a Friends and Family Substance Abuse board - my advice is read around and pick which best suits you.

I think reading and speaking to people who've been through the same kinds of thing will help you gain a clearer insight on the whole situation and, hopefully, help you to move on

D
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Old 12-04-2009, 02:24 PM
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Originally Posted by karbi1981 View Post
Hello,

I am 28 and recently broke up with my boyfriend. He was a recovering herion addict when I met him and thought he was on the path to recovery. For 3 years he battled with drinking and drug use and was horrible to be around. A few weeks ago he came home drunk and high and told me he didnt love me anymore and moved out. I was devastated, even though I was miserable in the relationship. After he left me he was arrested for resisting arrest, possesion of cannabis, he totalled his car and fled the scene to avoid a DUI. He was released off parole a few weeks before he left me so I think he may get some jail time out of these charges, maybe that will sober him up. He already has a new girlfriend and I am getting updates constantly about what he is doing because we live in a small town. He also lives across the street from where I work. I cant even go out with friends without running into him. It breaks my heart. It is so hard because there was a nice side to him and it is like he hates me, or resents me when I did nothing wrong but try and get him to be sober. I know this is best for me, I could never take him back no matter what he does, but am struggeling with why a life of drugs and alcohol is so much worse than a sober life with me. I wish my heart felt like my mind. Any words of encouragement? Thank you for listening.
WELCOME TO SR!
First AND best thing to do is to tell those gossips to quit "updating" you. It's obviously painful, and unless you're loving the pain, the updates need to stop. Secondly, ANY active addict will RESENT (in other words HATE) you for trying to get them clean when they are just not ready. If we don't want to stop, we're gonna be mad as hornets at ANYTHING that gets in our way. His new hoehoehoe (santa joke there) probably uses too, or is too ignorant or uncaring to notice his using. So she's perfect in his eyes.
Reguardless of how nice he once WAS, he's not now and, though it may be tearing you apart, you need to seek some sort of counseling/treatment for yourself and DISTANCE yourself from him as much as possible. When you spot him, don't look his way. Don't listen to gossip. No matter how much you are tempted. It's not worth it. There is al-anon and narcanon meetings everywhere. Also, here at SR, we have a really SPECTACULAR friends and family forum that I recommend you check out.
You gotta get away from ANY AND ALL contact/information about your ex. It's not healthy to live and worry about someone who has a problem you can do NOTHING to help with. No one can help him until he's ready to quit. And I doubt some jail time will stop him. Our local Heroin Twin's, whom rear ended me July 2008, spent 90 in jail for that (admitted to being high), 6 months for another incident which happened the night they got out (their mom was stupid enough to buy them a new car, so they get out, get high, and wreck it). Then mom goes and gets the car fixed and as soon as they get out, right back in they go as they hit a gas station pump a week later and spent another 3 1/2 months in jail for that one. Ya know what they did as soon as they got out about 3 weeks ago?? Got high and hit their mom's new garage door that she had just gotten installed because they had hit the old one.
Jail didn't stop them. Only made them clean while they were in there. Once out, the capsules and needles flowed...
Anyway, another thing to point out, in the story, is what their Mother does and is going through. She is a glutten for punishment. Refuses to give up on them AND enables them. You don't want to go that route. She is barely in her 50's and looks 90. She looks terrible. All the worry. Regrets. The pain she must suffer because of her daughters.
You're broke up. I have no idea how long you've been together, but since you two have called it quits, find a meeting or a therapist, stop listening to the gossips, come back to SR and update us, surround yourself with good, positive, vibes, and count your blessings that you don't have to deal with an active addict any longer. We don't have relationships. We take hostages.
Find someone who doesn't do drugs or has been clean for a very very long time. I really wish the best for you, and I really wish I could be more positive about the situation, but active addiction is a horrible malady. For everyone involved. Not just the addict, though he or she has the most to lose.
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Old 12-04-2009, 02:50 PM
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Be glad its the oter girls problem now and not yours.
We cant love anyone better. I wish thats all it took.
Hang in there and you already said it yourself. Your better off.
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