Old 10-27-2009, 06:23 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Delaware
Posts: 38

They say that pain is the catalyst to change...

I went to see my counselor (finally) today. He told me that my mental health has gone way downhill and he is right. As some of you know I am living with a good friend (? I'd like to believe that anyway) who has Stage IV Lung Cancer. I thought I was moving into a situation where my friend was going to be into her recovery and going to meetings and able to lend me a helping hand with transportation and moral support. Over these last nine months, things have gone from bad to worse. She is totally irresponsible and undependable and far from being into recovery and going into meetings. She wants to "be comfortable" (high) as she allows herself to go down the tubes without a fight. I am trying to take care of her and her four out of control dogs, I am not able to get a drivers license for another 13 months which then makes it impossible to get a job. I live too far away from public transportation and places to work. I don't want to leave her like this but if I don't do something soon, I am going to have a nervous breakdown or use. It breaks my heart. What really kills me and causes me a GIANT resentment is that she continues to charge me $100 a week in rent and half of the utilities. My dad has been helping me but I'm a grown woman and I am not ok with that...apparently, she is. I want to be self-sufficient. I worked my a$$ off for a couple of months at a Seafood Market (I lucked out and found a co worker who was willing to give me a ride) over the summer and it was a very humbling experience. I used to be a legal assistant but because of my criminal background and the job market being what it is, that was all I could find. I was able to put away a little bit of money because I knew that was only seasonal and that she would continue to charge me. I have been only allowing myself the bare necessities and the rest goes into her pocket. I wish she would realize that this is not how friendship works! She has no rent or mortgage to pay, the only thing she pays for is half the electric bill, half the phone bill and car insurance. This house was actually left to her by an old woman who died that she used to be a caretaker for. She gets a decent sum of money from disability and past due child support. She goes out and blows her money on jewelry and clothes and frivious things and doesn't understand why I don't treat myself(!?) She does not NEED to keep taking from me financially, but she does... and she gets hostile when I imply that I am going to go broke sitting here day after day and says "after all I've done for you".

I found out today about a sober house in a town close by that is in an area where I would stand a much better chance of finding work. There is public transportation and a lot of businesses within walking distance. The women have their own rooms and I think the rent is about the same as I'm paying here. I HATE to leave her here dying of cancer unable to care for herself and her dogs but I cannot save her...

... maybe, I can save myself.
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Old 10-27-2009, 06:33 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
It sounds as if you have given this alot of consideration and looked at it from all angles. It seems as if you are willing to be responsible for your part in this and to take positive action. As long as your side of the street is clean, you should be able to enjoy doing the next right thing. Great job on your desire to take care of yourself and to keep it moving forward!! i hope you stay in contact with your sponsor & keep going to meetings.
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Old 10-27-2009, 06:37 PM
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Delaware
Posts: 38
Thanks Wolfchild I ABSOLUTELY intend on keeping in close contact with my sponsor and going to meetings!!
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Old 10-27-2009, 06:38 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,697
Hi again Valleyd

I've said this before...

the bottom line it seems to me is you're not coping with being your friends nurse/companion/guardian...and your resentment is growing

and your friend, regardless of her behaviour, needs help and support - help and support that you just cannot provide.

You both deserve not to be in a codependent relationship.

I wish you well with whatever you decide.
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Old 10-27-2009, 06:40 PM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Regardless of anything else....your well being must
be your primary concern.
Prayers for clarity coming your way.
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Old 10-27-2009, 06:43 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by Valleyd View Post

... maybe, I can save myself
And you are the only one who can.....

well, maybe a little help from your HP and a good support group and it's not so bad here on SR.

Do it.

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Old 10-27-2009, 06:43 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,667
Dee is absolutely right.

Your friend deserves to live the final days of her life as she chooses. She is dying and you seem to be feeling very put-upon in the living arrangement.

My advice is to move to the sober house you mentioned and find a job with public transportation and focus on your recovery.
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