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Well I screwed up.....

Old 10-25-2009, 03:56 AM
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Well I screwed up.....

I was doing fine until last night. I went out for a while to keep myself busy, which worked great. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of wine. I got home and had two glasses. After the second glass, I poured the rest of the bottle out. I am so angry with myself. It's like all the will power has just been sucked out of me. I know that there will be times that this will happen and that I need to pick myself up and start over again. But I can't seem to convince myself of it. I feel horrid and wretched like I have committed the worst crime ever. I hope this feeling will go away....:praying
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Old 10-25-2009, 04:03 AM
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I don't think I would have had the strength to pour the rest out after two glasses...

It's a bump in the road. It'll be ok. None of us is perfect

Did you ever get to that AA meeting? Maybe today would be a good day to go!

-Goat
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Old 10-25-2009, 04:12 AM
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Good for you for pouring out the rest of the wine! I too relapsed more times than I'd like to remember, but the important thing is not to give up on your quest for sobriety. get right back up and back on the wagon. Don't give up on yourself.
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Old 10-25-2009, 04:32 AM
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Everyone here has been in your position - the long journey to being well can have some false starts - it's done - beating yourself up is pretty pointless

Learn what you can from the episode to try and not let it happen again....and then draw a line and move on, serenelife

D
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Old 10-25-2009, 04:43 AM
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Use this experience in a positive way.

When did you make the decision to buy alcohol? Can you drive home a different way or shop in a different store? Do whatever you need to do to stay sober.
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Old 10-25-2009, 04:58 AM
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We have all been there. I have never poured anything out. That is amazing. Stay positive. Keep your eyes on your recovery goals...
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Old 10-25-2009, 05:06 AM
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Bravo for pouring it down the drain! I have the feeling (only day 9 here) that its inevitable that I'll succumb; I'm trying not to dwell on that negative thought, but know from others' experiences here that relapsing happens - and we learn from each episode. You clearly recognized the danger in continuing and averted inebriation. Hope you don't kick yourself to death over it & move forward. Best to you,
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Old 10-25-2009, 05:10 AM
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I know about the self-loathing. But it sure doesn't bring any good or allow us to proceed to the goal. It might be good to just forgive yourself and keep on going...
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Old 10-25-2009, 05:16 AM
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way to go pouring the rest of the bottle out my friend

if i had had two glasses i doubt if i could of done that

that takes some real will power if you can do that you can stay sober
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Old 10-25-2009, 06:06 AM
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Thank you everyone for your support. I found an AA that I am going to go to this morning. I will let you know how it went.

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Old 10-25-2009, 08:45 AM
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Be proud of yourself for pouring the rest down the drain - I would not be able to once I started with the 1st glass.
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Old 10-25-2009, 09:12 AM
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Old 10-25-2009, 09:16 AM
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sorry bout that, anywho... you poured out the rest of that bottle??!!! that is absolutely wonderful that you have that kind of will power!!! there is no way i could do that, i would say thats "alcohol abuse" lol thats when i was drinking of course... now if i were to give in and drink it would be ON...congrats to you for being so strong!
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Old 10-25-2009, 09:32 AM
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That was exactly my day yesterday, My DOC is not alcohol but I stopped and picked up a bottle of wine, which I used to drink occasionaly. Instead of drinking the wine I came here to chat for a few hours lastnight, and I woke up this morning and got rid of the wine. I am sure your post would have been my post had I drank it. Good job on pouring it out!! Next time you feel like drinking try coming here first.

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Old 10-25-2009, 12:07 PM
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I'm with everyone else on the dumping of the rest of the wine. That would have never happened if it were me. I too would do my best to use the situation as a learning experience and use some good self honesty in what I was "thinking" that brought me to it. You're here at SR, you're doing what you're doing and this is part of your path. Pick your butt up and keep on goin'.
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Old 10-25-2009, 12:26 PM
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Serene,

I remember the guilt I had the first time I relapsed. Ie, I still remember it. The shame, the fear of losing all my support on SR, all sorts of things.

I've messed up a time or two since. Not proud of those, either, nor do I recommend doing it. The best advice I have is learn from this--change something. Anything. Go to AA meetings, get started with LifeRing or SMART, do yoga, run around the block every day at 6:18 pm precisely, go to church, start counseling, start playing the trombone... 'cause if you just get back on board with how you were doing things before, well, it didn't work the first time, what makes you think it'll work the second time?

Buuut... get up & dust yourself off. How you managed to pour that bottle out alone I'll never fathom. I did actually do it before, thanks to a certain person on SR telling me to.


Watson,

I expected to fail, too--and did. Repeatedly. Relapse is not a part of recovery, it is part of the disease. I know it's a cliche around here, but I think I'm seeing the difference nowadays. It's not that other cliche about thinking positive... it seems (best as I can explain) like some inner need to prove something still... and that's the liquor (or whatever) talking. I'm not bound to fail, else I couldn't have made it to 20 days. I just do fail. There's a ocean of difference. Recovery is all the things I do that make me get to that 20 days... relapse is forgetting to do them.

Please, SR, don't beat me up for that last part. It's still a shaky concept in my head, I can't say it well.


Take care both of y'all and everybody else,
-TB, back to walking on this sober path and holding on to the guard rail this time
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Old 10-25-2009, 03:41 PM
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Thanks for sharing those concepts, Thirtybubba. I don't know that I necessarily grasp that but perhaps in time, and more experience at recovery, it will all gel. It seems like a massive experiment with discovering who I was at age 15 (or was it 14?) when life didn't include addictive substances (except sugar!). My mind wanders back to childhood and how life didn't need alcohol, or cigarettes. But - the genes and the household "cocktail hour" of my parents ensured that I was drinking heavily at 17 and smoking. Apples don't fall too far, do they?
Thanks again.
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Old 10-26-2009, 02:52 AM
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serenelife, I can only echo the comments here that it was a true signal of a change in you that you poured it out! What a great job for pouring it out and for coming here!
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Old 10-26-2009, 03:00 AM
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Hey that's good if you were able to pour the rest of it out. My times of falling off the wagon once I started I was committed to finish every last drop. With some times dumping out the rest of it the next day and swearing it off once again. Anyway just keep moving forward don't let this little minor slip up get you down at all.
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Old 10-26-2009, 06:41 AM
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But...you poured the rest out after two glasses. Serene, that's strength right there. And it shows that you want to get well.

Hang in there! We're here for you!
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