Serene,
I remember the guilt I had the first time I relapsed. Ie, I still remember it. The shame, the fear of losing all my support on SR, all sorts of things.
I've messed up a time or two since. Not proud of those, either, nor do I recommend doing it. The best advice I have is learn from this--change something. Anything. Go to AA meetings, get started with LifeRing or SMART, do yoga, run around the block every day at 6:18 pm precisely, go to church, start counseling, start playing the trombone... 'cause if you just get back on board with how you were doing things before, well, it didn't work the first time, what makes you think it'll work the second time?
Buuut... get up & dust yourself off. How you managed to pour that bottle out alone I'll never fathom. I did actually do it before, thanks to a certain person on SR telling me to.
Watson,
I expected to fail, too--and did. Repeatedly. Relapse is not a part of recovery, it is part of the disease. I know it's a cliche around here, but I think I'm seeing the difference nowadays. It's not that other cliche about thinking positive... it seems (best as I can explain) like some inner need to prove something still... and that's the liquor (or whatever) talking. I'm not bound to fail, else I couldn't have made it to 20 days. I just do fail. There's a ocean of difference. Recovery is all the things I do that make me get to that 20 days... relapse is forgetting to do them.
Please, SR, don't beat me up for that last part. It's still a shaky concept in my head, I can't say it well.
Take care both of y'all and everybody else,
-TB, back to walking on this sober path and holding on to the guard rail this time