Tazman53

106 days is awesome liz, an excellent list as well.

mirage

This IS a great thread! A lot of this really helped me today...thanks! And great job on 106 days! Wow!!

Emily2002

Haven't been here in a while since the end of 2010/beginning of 2011. Had actually been successful drinking what would be considered "normally" i.e. on occasion and in moderation. I was working an hour away from home with a lot of overtime each week and my days were very structured.

I'm not there any more other than one day a week, though, because I left FT to help my aging father out several days a week and am taking two classes to prepare for a graduate degree (that is if I can come up with the money).

What I've come to realize is that I never really got rid of my drinking problem. It's obviously still there, because although I haven't abused alcohol much in the past three months since I've left.... I've found myself slipping into old habits. On two occasions I've finished off an entire bottle of wine by myself, and I've probably had five hangovers.

In my case, lack of routine/structure = abuse.

So.... I printed out a bunch of my old posts as a reminder that this isn't anything new for me and I plan to post here as often as possible to move forward rather than backwards. I've found the support here in the past to be amazing and hope to help in some small way by sharing my story (ups and downs) as the days go by.

I'm also tacking this on to an old thread that had helped me stay focused and on track before. I hold myself accountable. Only I can change my behavior.

Day 1

Sapling

Welcome back...You're from way before my time here...It is a great site.

Dee74

Welcome back Liz - & woot on day 1!

D

Emily2002

Thanks, Sapling. Glad to be back really, and YES ... it is a great site because of 1) the people who share and 2) the people who put in so much of their time to keep it up and running.

Emily2002

Thanks, Dee! Yesterday would have been day 5 but blew it last night with one of those bottles of wine. D'oh. Figured posting here would be better than trying to do it alone.

Will keep checking in to read and post!

Rusty Zipper

we dont shoot our wounded NL

welcome home

Emily2002

Good thing, Rusty! That's why I'm back.

After midnight here, so officially beginning day 6.

Today was a rather down day for me.... felt kind of blue which hasn't happened to me in a while. Thinking though that it's because I haven't been getting much sleep.

I thought briefly of joining my husband tonight by making a martini, especially because of the way I'd been feeling but thought it through and reminded myself that drinking won't make anything better. Instead, I just pour myself a big glass of water and grabbed my dinner plate... better half made some awesome grilled pork and grilled/roasted peppers. Mmmmmm.

Anyway -- I read a bit here tonight too which really helped and plan on posting more as the days go on and I'm not sooooo tired. As usual, there's so much terrific insight/advice.

Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rusty Zipper

now thats good thinking NL

Emily2002

Well... I've made it through a week and am looking forward to another day sober tomorrow. Have to admit that I contemplated having one this evening along with my husband, but I didn't want to ruin the run or take the chance that "one" would lead to two or more.

I also read quite a bit and posted a bit today which helped me keep focused on beating this for good this time around. I want to be free of worrying about drinking (or not drinking) all the time.

Thank God for my therapist. I found a good one who's helped me work through some issues over the past few years. For the past year or so I've been seeing her every 6 weeks or so but I've bumped that up to every two weeks for a while. My life's a bit whacked out right now... too many balls in the air... very little stability. Seeing her more often will help until things even out a bit... and I feel in better control. Anxiety and fear of the unknown's a pita.

Anyway... glad for SR and all that it (and those on this journey) has done to help me be a better me.

Thanks!

langkah

Great you're still trying hard, keep it up.

Emily2002

Thanks, langkah. I figure if I don't keep trying I'll never get anywhere.

Emily2002

Forgot how tough and lonely it is when I'm not drinking at all. Every night my husband hangs in the kitchen drinking and listening to music while cooking/grilling (if I'm not) and web surfing. This is even when something's in the oven and not on the stovetop, requiring constant monitoring. I'd go out there and chat but 1) I'd rather sit down and relax, 2) the booze is "in my face", and 3) I get annoyed with him when I notice he's buzzed. I love him to death, but Errrgghhhh.

It's early, just day 8 for me but it's going to be a long haul.

Patience, Liz. Patience.....

Dee74

I think we all have to reach a point where we go -

you know? I'm done with that.
I know what drinking does to me...and I'm better this way.

Once you get there, other people drinking doesn't matter as much, I think- unless they're being jackasses (jackaii?) LOL

I have no doubt you'll get there Liz - stay the course!

D

Sapling

Hang in there NewLeaf...That can't be easy.

Emily2002

Feel a bit better now that we've eaten and he's fallen asleep. Hanging in there... staying the course. I know what's best for me and look forward to it's getting easier! haha

Thanks for bein' there for me.

Emily2002

SO.... made it to day #14 but not through it. As is par for the course (for me) the large, chilled vodka martini my husband had in his hand called out to me. I've been down for the past week or so and my head convinced me that it was "ok" to self medicate... give myself a break.

It worked... After the initial feelings of guilt over "ruining" my two full weeks of abstinence, I actually thought to myself "I'm so happy I decided to have one." And of course, it was just going to be just one.... but I ended up having my husband pour me another. I'm not sure, but I believe I may have made myself one too. This is the point. I don't remember.

I feel miserable today, of course. At first I wasn't going to post and admit what I'd done to anyone here but then I thought I might as well, because I'd started this thread to keep my problems with drinking (and my successes) fresh in my mind.

Next time I'm going to open it to remember before reaching out for the damn drink.

Sapling

Maybe you need to try something different.

Emily2002

Thanks, Sapling. Coming here to re-read and then to post and read on the boards would have made the difference for me.

Will also be seeing my therapist every two weeks again instead of six.