Holding Myself Accountable
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
Day four and lots of triggers today. Tired. Frustrated with life in general. I know this will pass, and I'm glad I made it through the night but what the heck.... this sucks.
I know I'm faking it til I make it. Part of me doubts I can do it. I mean -- just how committed AM I if I feel this way?
In the back of my mind I kind of know I'll give up. Should I even bother trying now rather than later? Part of me thinks "what's the use?" I've been back and forth here now for three years, and most of those three years I've managed to drink "normally." Well -- normally as far as appearances go in that I didn't drink as much or as often as my husband, or most of my relatives.
The thing is -- I know in my head, heart and gut that I drink for a reason.... to self medicate. To numb. And that's wrong and way too dangerous.
Nothing like stream of consciousness to confuse myself (and others probably) even more... Ugh.
I know I'm faking it til I make it. Part of me doubts I can do it. I mean -- just how committed AM I if I feel this way?
In the back of my mind I kind of know I'll give up. Should I even bother trying now rather than later? Part of me thinks "what's the use?" I've been back and forth here now for three years, and most of those three years I've managed to drink "normally." Well -- normally as far as appearances go in that I didn't drink as much or as often as my husband, or most of my relatives.
The thing is -- I know in my head, heart and gut that I drink for a reason.... to self medicate. To numb. And that's wrong and way too dangerous.
Nothing like stream of consciousness to confuse myself (and others probably) even more... Ugh.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
if it helps Liz - I felt the same way.
I didn't believe I'd do it - not for a while....it felt so empty, and so long, and so...nothing....
but I believed the ppl here who said I would make it....if that makes sense?
It's worth it - believe me
and that 'should I bother giving up now when I know I'll give up later' biz? LOL
yeah - don't listen to that
D
I didn't believe I'd do it - not for a while....it felt so empty, and so long, and so...nothing....
but I believed the ppl here who said I would make it....if that makes sense?
It's worth it - believe me
and that 'should I bother giving up now when I know I'll give up later' biz? LOL
yeah - don't listen to that
D
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
NewLeaf, your stream of consciousness didn't confuse me, it was like reading my thoughts for the last say five days. I feel like I'm going to drink again anyways, what's the use. It only hurts anyways. My life is a trigger populated by little triggers.
But you said it best, "fake it till you make it." I keep being told it'll get better, and I can't help but be curious. So I'm putting up with the pain, not very well I admit, on a promise from random people on the internet. Perhaps I am crazier than previously thought. But I'm doing it anyways.
I'm new at quitting, and I seem to always get to day four, so there's something about it. Just get through it and see what's on the other side...
Day 7 1/2 for me was a rollercoaster. I hate rollercoasters, but this one left me in a good mood at the end.
But you said it best, "fake it till you make it." I keep being told it'll get better, and I can't help but be curious. So I'm putting up with the pain, not very well I admit, on a promise from random people on the internet. Perhaps I am crazier than previously thought. But I'm doing it anyways.
I'm new at quitting, and I seem to always get to day four, so there's something about it. Just get through it and see what's on the other side...
Day 7 1/2 for me was a rollercoaster. I hate rollercoasters, but this one left me in a good mood at the end.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
Thanks Least, Oz, Dee, taz, and AboveItAll. It's good (in a way haha) that we're all in this together. Especially to help on another.
Didn't sleep well or long, so I know I'll be shot today. I don't want a drink now, but I can already see myself fighting the thoughts late afternoon or so. To combat this, I think I'll make a list of things to do from that point on this morning before the rest of the day takes hold. I'll also do a bit of grocery shopping to pick up some healthy snacks or drink alternatives and lots of ice... something to enjoy while my husband drinks and hangs with me.
Over the next week, I'm going to try to do the following three things to address some of my known triggers:
In bed to read no later than 10PM. At least one half hour to myself per day for me time -- read, walk, meditate, whatever. Thinking before I eat -- no more binging (been doing this the past three days rather than drinking... I call it angry eating).
Didn't sleep well or long, so I know I'll be shot today. I don't want a drink now, but I can already see myself fighting the thoughts late afternoon or so. To combat this, I think I'll make a list of things to do from that point on this morning before the rest of the day takes hold. I'll also do a bit of grocery shopping to pick up some healthy snacks or drink alternatives and lots of ice... something to enjoy while my husband drinks and hangs with me.
Over the next week, I'm going to try to do the following three things to address some of my known triggers:
In bed to read no later than 10PM. At least one half hour to myself per day for me time -- read, walk, meditate, whatever. Thinking before I eat -- no more binging (been doing this the past three days rather than drinking... I call it angry eating).
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
just for today Liz...make the commitment - I will not drink today...get those anti trigger measures in place...you're on your way
It's ok to have a crappy day and have cravings or thoughts - it's not ok for your well being to let them win - you can do this, Liz
night!
D
It's ok to have a crappy day and have cravings or thoughts - it's not ok for your well being to let them win - you can do this, Liz
night!
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
Came back to post while my husband makes his first martini... an hour later than usual only because he just returned from the store.
Reasons why I don't want to drink tonight:
I'm on day 5 and don't want to blow it.
I'll want more than one drink.
I don't want to feel like crap tomorrow.
I'll never know if my depression is caused by drinking if I don't give it a break.
I'm tired of trying to stop and I'm hoping it'll get easier if I make it long enough.
Reasons why I want to drink:
It tastes good.
It feels good.
It's fun.
It relaxes me.
Stuff I always forget when I think I want to drink:
The time I threw up on my bedroom floor, staining the carpet.
The time I threw up into a bag in my car after dropping my 12 year old off at a friend's house.
The times I've had the dry heaves up at the lake house.
The time I brushed the mirror of a parked car in a bar parking lot and denied doing it when my 16 year old daughter called me on it.
The arguments and crying while drinking.
The looks in my kids' eyes when they know I'm drunk.
The time I missed the party at my parents' house after my brother's wedding reception, because I was hammered and took two days to recover.
Forgetting what my husband and kids have said to me the night(s) before.
The disappointment on my kids' faces when I'm sober and then pick one up again -- even when I'm drinking moderately (they're smart and know I'll screw up eventually).
Is it really worth it? Crazy, but even after doing this I STILL WANT TO DRINK.
But I won't.
If my husband asks me one more time what's wrong, I'm going to scream. How many times do I need to tell him it's HARD not to drink? And d'oh... He's drinking IN FRONT OF ME. And I'll end up emptying his martini glass and dumping his olives down the disposal or recycling his beer bottles when he falls asleep on the sofa later on tonight before actually going to bed.
Not only that, but I know it secretly pisses him off that I'm hanging here on SR instead of sitting out on the back porch with him to talk a while.
I'm so frustrated and can't wait for things to improve. Errgggh.
Reasons why I don't want to drink tonight:
I'm on day 5 and don't want to blow it.
I'll want more than one drink.
I don't want to feel like crap tomorrow.
I'll never know if my depression is caused by drinking if I don't give it a break.
I'm tired of trying to stop and I'm hoping it'll get easier if I make it long enough.
Reasons why I want to drink:
It tastes good.
It feels good.
It's fun.
It relaxes me.
Stuff I always forget when I think I want to drink:
The time I threw up on my bedroom floor, staining the carpet.
The time I threw up into a bag in my car after dropping my 12 year old off at a friend's house.
The times I've had the dry heaves up at the lake house.
The time I brushed the mirror of a parked car in a bar parking lot and denied doing it when my 16 year old daughter called me on it.
The arguments and crying while drinking.
The looks in my kids' eyes when they know I'm drunk.
The time I missed the party at my parents' house after my brother's wedding reception, because I was hammered and took two days to recover.
Forgetting what my husband and kids have said to me the night(s) before.
The disappointment on my kids' faces when I'm sober and then pick one up again -- even when I'm drinking moderately (they're smart and know I'll screw up eventually).
Is it really worth it? Crazy, but even after doing this I STILL WANT TO DRINK.
But I won't.
If my husband asks me one more time what's wrong, I'm going to scream. How many times do I need to tell him it's HARD not to drink? And d'oh... He's drinking IN FRONT OF ME. And I'll end up emptying his martini glass and dumping his olives down the disposal or recycling his beer bottles when he falls asleep on the sofa later on tonight before actually going to bed.
Not only that, but I know it secretly pisses him off that I'm hanging here on SR instead of sitting out on the back porch with him to talk a while.
I'm so frustrated and can't wait for things to improve. Errgggh.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
Its the insanity of it isn't it - those many negatives (and big ones) against the few positives (and I doubt it's that much fun anymore, or feels that good, or is that relaxing...)
Keep challenging that inner voice Liz...and make your husband clean up his own damn mess
D
Keep challenging that inner voice Liz...and make your husband clean up his own damn mess
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,385
Originally Posted by NewLeaf 
Stuff I always forget when I think I want to drink:
The time I threw up on my bedroom floor, staining the carpet.
The time I threw up into a bag in my car after dropping my 12 year old off at a friend's house.
The times I've had the dry heaves up at the lake house.
The time I brushed the mirror of a parked car in a bar parking lot and denied doing it when my 16 year old daughter called me on it.
The arguments and crying while drinking.
The looks in my kids' eyes when they know I'm drunk.
The time I missed the party at my parents' house after my brother's wedding reception, because I was hammered and took two days to recover.
Forgetting what my husband and kids have said to me the night(s) before.
The disappointment on my kids' faces when I'm sober and then pick one up again -- even when I'm drinking moderately (they're smart and know I'll screw up eventually).
The time I threw up on my bedroom floor, staining the carpet.
The time I threw up into a bag in my car after dropping my 12 year old off at a friend's house.
The times I've had the dry heaves up at the lake house.
The time I brushed the mirror of a parked car in a bar parking lot and denied doing it when my 16 year old daughter called me on it.
The arguments and crying while drinking.
The looks in my kids' eyes when they know I'm drunk.
The time I missed the party at my parents' house after my brother's wedding reception, because I was hammered and took two days to recover.
Forgetting what my husband and kids have said to me the night(s) before.
The disappointment on my kids' faces when I'm sober and then pick one up again -- even when I'm drinking moderately (they're smart and know I'll screw up eventually).
I just have to comment on the lists you made. I especially like the one about what you forget to think about when you want to drink. I think of all of us on SR and wonder just how long our collective list would be. I'm sure it would be quite the interesting read and perhaps good motivation for us to continue to abstain from drinking. I hope you're well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
Originally Posted by KenL
Hi Liz.
I just have to comment on the lists you made. I especially like the one about what you forget to think about when you want to drink. I think of all of us on SR and wonder just how long our collective list would be. I'm sure it would be quite the interesting read and perhaps good motivation for us to continue to abstain from drinking. I hope you're well.
I just have to comment on the lists you made. I especially like the one about what you forget to think about when you want to drink. I think of all of us on SR and wonder just how long our collective list would be. I'm sure it would be quite the interesting read and perhaps good motivation for us to continue to abstain from drinking. I hope you're well.
Today was a downer of a day. About an hour ago I thought "I'm not really craving one, but wouldn't a drink be nice to numb out for a bit?" Then I thought "Nah... Too much effort to get up and get one." Convoluted, actually. Feeling blue made me want the drink, and feeling blue kept me from having one!
What I have been doing is overeating. I feel like I'm replacing one form of addiction with another, and it's not good.
Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
Visiting my list again to remind myself why it is I shouldn't drink. This thread really is good for something. lol
Ball game's on, the weather's cool, my husband's got his drink in hand and boy oh boy... do I want one!!!
Still having issues coming to terms with this being permanent. Have to do it, though.
Might begin another thread about trying to get sober with regular drinkers and booze constantly in the house... Will use the search function, though, first to see what I can find.
Taking your advice Dee and reaching out. BTW -- Happy you're now blue!!! :ghug3
Ball game's on, the weather's cool, my husband's got his drink in hand and boy oh boy... do I want one!!!
Still having issues coming to terms with this being permanent. Have to do it, though.
Might begin another thread about trying to get sober with regular drinkers and booze constantly in the house... Will use the search function, though, first to see what I can find.
Taking your advice Dee and reaching out. BTW -- Happy you're now blue!!! :ghug3
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Hey NL. I am glad to see you. I dont think this idea for a thread is selfish at all.
I know you have taken time out to comment so supportively to my threads many times.
By sharing your life here. You may be helping others. Like has been said lots of times before. You never know who may read it.
I am sry you have temptation around you. It takes alot of courage and strength to do what your doing.
But your doing awesome. And I think making a commitment like this thread is a perfect way to get into a regular routine of some kind. And it will be very beneficial to you and others.
hang in there. I loom forward to readign more.
I know you have taken time out to comment so supportively to my threads many times.
By sharing your life here. You may be helping others. Like has been said lots of times before. You never know who may read it.
I am sry you have temptation around you. It takes alot of courage and strength to do what your doing.
But your doing awesome. And I think making a commitment like this thread is a perfect way to get into a regular routine of some kind. And it will be very beneficial to you and others.
hang in there. I loom forward to readign more.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
Thanks Liz
I think SR works really well when we use it like this - it's not selfish at all - no-one ever really kicks this on their own....
log in when you're feeling complacent or stressed or vulnerable and let us talk you 'round
I really do think there's strength in knowing you're part of a community
D
I think SR works really well when we use it like this - it's not selfish at all - no-one ever really kicks this on their own....
log in when you're feeling complacent or stressed or vulnerable and let us talk you 'round
I really do think there's strength in knowing you're part of a community
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
Originally Posted by NewLeaf
Came back to post while my husband makes his first martini... an hour later than usual only because he just returned from the store.
Reasons why I don't want to drink tonight:
I'm on day 5 and don't want to blow it.
I'll want more than one drink.
I don't want to feel like crap tomorrow.
I'll never know if my depression is caused by drinking if I don't give it a break.
I'm tired of trying to stop and I'm hoping it'll get easier if I make it long enough.
Reasons why I want to drink:
It tastes good.
It feels good.
It's fun.
It relaxes me.
Stuff I always forget when I think I want to drink:
The time I threw up on my bedroom floor, staining the carpet.
The time I threw up into a bag in my car after dropping my 12 year old off at a friend's house.
The times I've had the dry heaves up at the lake house.
The time I brushed the mirror of a parked car in a bar parking lot and denied doing it when my 16 year old daughter called me on it.
The arguments and crying while drinking.
The looks in my kids' eyes when they know I'm drunk.
The time I missed the party at my parents' house after my brother's wedding reception, because I was hammered and took two days to recover.
Forgetting what my husband and kids have said to me the night(s) before.
The disappointment on my kids' faces when I'm sober and then pick one up again -- even when I'm drinking moderately (they're smart and know I'll screw up eventually).
Is it really worth it? Crazy, but even after doing this I STILL WANT TO DRINK.
But I won't.
If my husband asks me one more time what's wrong, I'm going to scream. How many times do I need to tell him it's HARD not to drink? And d'oh... He's drinking IN FRONT OF ME. And I'll end up emptying his martini glass and dumping his olives down the disposal or recycling his beer bottles when he falls asleep on the sofa later on tonight before actually going to bed.
Not only that, but I know it secretly pisses him off that I'm hanging here on SR instead of sitting out on the back porch with him to talk a while.
I'm so frustrated and can't wait for things to improve. Errgggh.
Reasons why I don't want to drink tonight:
I'm on day 5 and don't want to blow it.
I'll want more than one drink.
I don't want to feel like crap tomorrow.
I'll never know if my depression is caused by drinking if I don't give it a break.
I'm tired of trying to stop and I'm hoping it'll get easier if I make it long enough.
Reasons why I want to drink:
It tastes good.
It feels good.
It's fun.
It relaxes me.
Stuff I always forget when I think I want to drink:
The time I threw up on my bedroom floor, staining the carpet.
The time I threw up into a bag in my car after dropping my 12 year old off at a friend's house.
The times I've had the dry heaves up at the lake house.
The time I brushed the mirror of a parked car in a bar parking lot and denied doing it when my 16 year old daughter called me on it.
The arguments and crying while drinking.
The looks in my kids' eyes when they know I'm drunk.
The time I missed the party at my parents' house after my brother's wedding reception, because I was hammered and took two days to recover.
Forgetting what my husband and kids have said to me the night(s) before.
The disappointment on my kids' faces when I'm sober and then pick one up again -- even when I'm drinking moderately (they're smart and know I'll screw up eventually).
Is it really worth it? Crazy, but even after doing this I STILL WANT TO DRINK.
But I won't.
If my husband asks me one more time what's wrong, I'm going to scream. How many times do I need to tell him it's HARD not to drink? And d'oh... He's drinking IN FRONT OF ME. And I'll end up emptying his martini glass and dumping his olives down the disposal or recycling his beer bottles when he falls asleep on the sofa later on tonight before actually going to bed.
Not only that, but I know it secretly pisses him off that I'm hanging here on SR instead of sitting out on the back porch with him to talk a while.
I'm so frustrated and can't wait for things to improve. Errgggh.
I don't want that.
SO -- here's my NEW list:
Reasons why I want to continue along my current path:
- As much as I thought it "tasted" good, I can actually think of alcohol as poison.
- I'm beginning to enjoy myself -- at home and while out -- SOBER.
- Overall -- I'm less anxious and depressed with a few months under my belt. I can Finally see some light at the end of the tunnel.
- I wake up more refreshed.
- The oddest thing is feeling kind of like a young kid again -- free of any chemical substances and clearheaded. Everything seems more "new."
- Even though it's sometimes harder to face my feelings or difficult situations, I know that I'm in control -- not the alcohol or its aftereffects.
- Dare I say that sometimes I'm happy?
I'm hoping that everybody here -- oldies and newbies, those long-time sober as well as those just relapsed for the upteenth time -- takes a moment to make his/her own lists. We may come from different places -- literally and figuratively --but we're related, you know?
I've been here on SR for a very long time -- three full years and this is the longest stretch of sobriety for me. You've all given me so many gifts along the way by sharing. The biggest, most loving, gift I can give my "family" in return is to keep trying and sharing, just as I've been doing and to never, ever give up.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: NC
Posts: 219
What a great thread!!! It always nice to see these expecially when you're fairly new. Congratulations to you and thank you for coming back and sharing this. For me its a boost that is needed to help myself keep going. If someone else is staying on track then why can't I! That's why I love coming to SR...there are so many great people who have been there and done that.
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