Is this all there is???
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Is this all there is???
I spend my days waiting for bedtime so I can escape into sleep for a while. I hate waking up cause it means having to drag myself thru another day. I recently relapsed and am back on the wagon again. My depression and anxiety and manic depression also have been getting worse, my meds were increased but haven't yet felt any difference.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't kill myself cause I won't abandon my dogs, but just getting thru each day is a struggle. I find little joy in anything and don't know why I'm living. I have four kids and four grandkids but that brings me no happiness or fulfillment. I feel like 'living' is just an old habit that I can't break.
Sometimes I wish I'd been born really stupid so I wouldn't be so aware of this every day struggle and finding a 'purpose' in my life, such as it is. I don't want to do anything, only want to sleep as much as I can, and just get thru each day until it's time to go to bed. The only thing I take pleasure in is snuggling with my dogs at bedtime.
I find myself hating God (the God I grew up with) and desperately wishing he'd never put me on earth.
Is this all there is???
I've gone back to AA and am on step three "making a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understand him"... and since I don't understand him at all I"m wondering what I will accomplish by turning my will and life over to him... The older I get, the less I 'know'... I just want to feel like I"m on solid ground... but is this all there is?? More questions than answers???
I posted this in mental health but won't get too many responses there. Just looking for the thoughts and experiences of others, feedback, answers, anything but this 'feeling lost' all the time...
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't kill myself cause I won't abandon my dogs, but just getting thru each day is a struggle. I find little joy in anything and don't know why I'm living. I have four kids and four grandkids but that brings me no happiness or fulfillment. I feel like 'living' is just an old habit that I can't break.
Sometimes I wish I'd been born really stupid so I wouldn't be so aware of this every day struggle and finding a 'purpose' in my life, such as it is. I don't want to do anything, only want to sleep as much as I can, and just get thru each day until it's time to go to bed. The only thing I take pleasure in is snuggling with my dogs at bedtime.
I find myself hating God (the God I grew up with) and desperately wishing he'd never put me on earth.
Is this all there is???
I've gone back to AA and am on step three "making a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understand him"... and since I don't understand him at all I"m wondering what I will accomplish by turning my will and life over to him... The older I get, the less I 'know'... I just want to feel like I"m on solid ground... but is this all there is?? More questions than answers???
I posted this in mental health but won't get too many responses there. Just looking for the thoughts and experiences of others, feedback, answers, anything but this 'feeling lost' all the time...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Least,
My best advice is to go back to your dr and tell him how you fell. Tell him that your meds are not working and hopefully you can adjust the dosage or try something else. You do not need to feel like this. Please take care of yourself. You deserve to be cared for.
My best advice is to go back to your dr and tell him how you fell. Tell him that your meds are not working and hopefully you can adjust the dosage or try something else. You do not need to feel like this. Please take care of yourself. You deserve to be cared for.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
I can relate to your depression and feel your pain. I and you know there is really nothing that i can do....except to acknowledge you pain and tell you that i can relate to the same pain and that i care and send you kindness and wishes of peace.
hey I wrote a poem when I was in the midst of a terrible depression around the year 2000. I had 7+ years of sobriety at the time...but that depression became too much for me and i went out and that brought me to a new drug: crack. After using it for a couple of years "on purpose" so to speak, I have been trying to quyit on and off for the last 6-7 years.
so here is the poem, is send it because it may make you feelo less alone for a moment:
In the Palace of Torment
Alone in the day
midst the beat of the world
He is lost in a curse
of dis-ease and depression
ever missing the joy of the moment
His story is gone
his past an illusion
of regrets and lost chances
and dreams traded in for reality
no longer creating his destiny
For he is stuck in a struggle
to be like everyone else
scared to be different
and afraid to be seen
by the merciless judge of our culture
Afraid that others will think him
a loser, a coward, a freak, and a waste
to be deserted and scorned
as an odd sort of breed
who is ignored and left to wither away
But if he’d let go
of the worry and fear
that reside in his palace of torment
then he could become his authentic self
and soar through each day
towards the Light of his Wonder
towards the Dream in his Soul
towards the Peace that is given
to each life of love that God holds in his hands
-ksplash5
hey I wrote a poem when I was in the midst of a terrible depression around the year 2000. I had 7+ years of sobriety at the time...but that depression became too much for me and i went out and that brought me to a new drug: crack. After using it for a couple of years "on purpose" so to speak, I have been trying to quyit on and off for the last 6-7 years.
so here is the poem, is send it because it may make you feelo less alone for a moment:
In the Palace of Torment
Alone in the day
midst the beat of the world
He is lost in a curse
of dis-ease and depression
ever missing the joy of the moment
His story is gone
his past an illusion
of regrets and lost chances
and dreams traded in for reality
no longer creating his destiny
For he is stuck in a struggle
to be like everyone else
scared to be different
and afraid to be seen
by the merciless judge of our culture
Afraid that others will think him
a loser, a coward, a freak, and a waste
to be deserted and scorned
as an odd sort of breed
who is ignored and left to wither away
But if he’d let go
of the worry and fear
that reside in his palace of torment
then he could become his authentic self
and soar through each day
towards the Light of his Wonder
towards the Dream in his Soul
towards the Peace that is given
to each life of love that God holds in his hands
-ksplash5
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
Well sounds like you're living what was my life. I have anxiety/depression PTSD and I'm a long time drunk also was suicidal. Checked into rehab, see a shrink and a therapist, in marraige counseling and on prescribed meds. I'm 4 months sober now and loving my life, even the crap because I'm living it sober. You can do it friend.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 237
Oh no.. you sound really down 
It sounds like maybe a visit to the doctor might be helpful. Also, excersise is a natural endorphin booster, maybe getting out there and taking the dogs for a nice long walk or hike would be in order.
Hope you are feeling better very soon
It sounds like maybe a visit to the doctor might be helpful. Also, excersise is a natural endorphin booster, maybe getting out there and taking the dogs for a nice long walk or hike would be in order.
Hope you are feeling better very soon
Resident grateful guy!
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Bloomington, Mn.
Posts: 120
I can relate you the anxiety and depression. I am going to a local free mental health clinic on Wednesday and until then this is how i try to cope. I go to a lot of meetings and keep telling myself i'd rather feel pain right now than feel nothing like i did when i was self medicating. :praying
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Originally Posted by least 
I spend my days waiting for bedtime so I can escape into sleep for a while. I hate waking up cause it means having to drag myself thru another day.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't kill myself cause I won't abandon my dogs, but just getting thru each day is a struggle. I find little joy in anything and don't know why I'm living. I have four kids and four grandkids but that brings me no happiness or fulfillment. I feel like 'living' is just an old habit that I can't break.
I find myself hating God (the God I grew up with) and desperately wishing he'd never put me on earth.
Is this all there is???
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't kill myself cause I won't abandon my dogs, but just getting thru each day is a struggle. I find little joy in anything and don't know why I'm living. I have four kids and four grandkids but that brings me no happiness or fulfillment. I feel like 'living' is just an old habit that I can't break.
I find myself hating God (the God I grew up with) and desperately wishing he'd never put me on earth.
Is this all there is???
I thought the story of my life was over and this was the miserable ending. Then I'd wake up the next morning and slog through another day. I hated my life, and although I continued to pray, I hated God for taking the life I had away from me.
No least, there's so much more to life than this, AA might be a good start for you, it took me over a year to even scratch the surface of where my happiness and purpose in life would begin. It's a long process, and even the painful parts of the journey are something I wouldn't trade for anything. I really do believe it's all part of God's plan for me, I do my best to enjoy the ride while He drives.
As Shelly suggested, if you can bring yourself to go for as many walks or hikes as possible, I found that helpful in dragging my @ss out of the pit of depression. Then I started taking bike rides, then I'd sit outdoors and smile at people when they walked by, and finally I started doing volunteer and service work.
An old friend in AA explained it to me this way......the universe will continue to move along. Am I going to jump on and ride it with the rest of humanity, or stay stuck in my crap forever?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
When I first got home from rehab, facing the consequences of my disease... I was driving to one of my consequences... I was thinking how my life now sucked... A semi truck cut me off and if tat would have happened a split second later I'd have been dead... I was strangely calm about that... I didn't care, not that I'd kill myself, but, really, at that stage of my sobriety, the shame still so acute... getting put out of my misery seemed like a good option.
But... I really started learning, by being willing, and by practicing, turning my life and will over to God...
I've realized that what He has in store for me is probably good... not all good, but worth hanging around for. He loves me unconditionally.
If your concept of a higher power is not one that loves you unconditionally, find one that does... Because, ya know, He does.
Mark
But... I really started learning, by being willing, and by practicing, turning my life and will over to God...
I've realized that what He has in store for me is probably good... not all good, but worth hanging around for. He loves me unconditionally.
If your concept of a higher power is not one that loves you unconditionally, find one that does... Because, ya know, He does.
Mark
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 41
Yeah I can relate to the sober depression. I don't know much about you, Least but you're attending meetings again...
You're working the steps. They promise release from our pain but not necessarily right away. If you give it your all you may recover from your depression more permanently. I'm excited for you in the long run!
You're working the steps. They promise release from our pain but not necessarily right away. If you give it your all you may recover from your depression more permanently. I'm excited for you in the long run!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Least,
Obviously this is not all there is. Very few of us would want to keep on living if it were so unfulfilling. So we drink in order to escape it. At least for the depressive types like me.
I've realized a few things about the steps over the years. I don't have to understand God. How absurd, really. I don't have understand a damn thing. I just have to act.
This feeling you describe right now is Step 1. There it is, the unmanageability. Feel it, own it, accept it. This is your life without a higher power. You know it well.
Do you have the smallest grain of hope that life can be different? Can there be a different existence for you? That is all you need to understand about God for the time being. To be honest, I'm not even sure I had that much hope when I worked the steps for the first time. I just knew that life was intolerable. I could not live in the reality of Step 1. So, either there was Step 2 or there was not. Either God is or isn't. What was my choice to be?
That's it, Least. That's all you have to understand. Your decision in Step 3 is just a decision to take the action in Steps 4-9. Understand that your life run on self will (without God) is intolerable. Become willing to give up your self will whatever the outcome may be.
Life is either intolerable or it is not. There is either life or there is not. Make a choice (a decision). Is my life of self will manageable? Can I live like this? If not, decide to turn your will over by taking the action required to remove self will.
A life beyond my dreams, Least. That's what awaits you as well.
Obviously this is not all there is. Very few of us would want to keep on living if it were so unfulfilling. So we drink in order to escape it. At least for the depressive types like me.
I've realized a few things about the steps over the years. I don't have to understand God. How absurd, really. I don't have understand a damn thing. I just have to act.
This feeling you describe right now is Step 1. There it is, the unmanageability. Feel it, own it, accept it. This is your life without a higher power. You know it well.
Do you have the smallest grain of hope that life can be different? Can there be a different existence for you? That is all you need to understand about God for the time being. To be honest, I'm not even sure I had that much hope when I worked the steps for the first time. I just knew that life was intolerable. I could not live in the reality of Step 1. So, either there was Step 2 or there was not. Either God is or isn't. What was my choice to be?
That's it, Least. That's all you have to understand. Your decision in Step 3 is just a decision to take the action in Steps 4-9. Understand that your life run on self will (without God) is intolerable. Become willing to give up your self will whatever the outcome may be.
Life is either intolerable or it is not. There is either life or there is not. Make a choice (a decision). Is my life of self will manageable? Can I live like this? If not, decide to turn your will over by taking the action required to remove self will.
A life beyond my dreams, Least. That's what awaits you as well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
least,im sorry you are feeling the way you are.i will be on step 10 next,,i do believe in something alot bigger then me whom i choose to call God.i do not know who or what my God is.i may never know.but step 3 as keith said is just a descision,,thats all.my sponosor asked me to write a resume for my God when i was doing step 3 and she explained to me that this will change as time goes on.all i know is that my life run on self will is an absolute disaster,,completely unmanagable and very unhappy.i was willing to go to any lengths as im sure you are,,you sure sound like you are ready.all you have to do is be willing and open minded.thats all.there is a great life out there waiting for you.just keep trying and have faith.
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
I called my shrink. He said it had only been a week since he adjusted my meds and that I should give it more time until they have had a chance to work better. So I"m just waiting... always waiting... for what?
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: California
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by least
I spend my days waiting for bedtime so I can escape into sleep for a while. I hate waking up cause it means having to drag myself thru another day. I recently relapsed and am back on the wagon again. My depression and anxiety and manic depression also have been getting worse, my meds were increased but haven't yet felt any difference.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't kill myself cause I won't abandon my dogs, but just getting thru each day is a struggle. I find little joy in anything and don't know why I'm living. I have four kids and four grandkids but that brings me no happiness or fulfillment. I feel like 'living' is just an old habit that I can't break.
Sometimes I wish I'd been born really stupid so I wouldn't be so aware of this every day struggle and finding a 'purpose' in my life, such as it is. I don't want to do anything, only want to sleep as much as I can, and just get thru each day until it's time to go to bed. The only thing I take pleasure in is snuggling with my dogs at bedtime.
I find myself hating God (the God I grew up with) and desperately wishing he'd never put me on earth.
Is this all there is???
I've gone back to AA and am on step three "making a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understand him"... and since I don't understand him at all I"m wondering what I will accomplish by turning my will and life over to him... The older I get, the less I 'know'... I just want to feel like I"m on solid ground... but is this all there is?? More questions than answers???
I posted this in mental health but won't get too many responses there. Just looking for the thoughts and experiences of others, feedback, answers, anything but this 'feeling lost' all the time...
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't kill myself cause I won't abandon my dogs, but just getting thru each day is a struggle. I find little joy in anything and don't know why I'm living. I have four kids and four grandkids but that brings me no happiness or fulfillment. I feel like 'living' is just an old habit that I can't break.
Sometimes I wish I'd been born really stupid so I wouldn't be so aware of this every day struggle and finding a 'purpose' in my life, such as it is. I don't want to do anything, only want to sleep as much as I can, and just get thru each day until it's time to go to bed. The only thing I take pleasure in is snuggling with my dogs at bedtime.
I find myself hating God (the God I grew up with) and desperately wishing he'd never put me on earth.
Is this all there is???
I've gone back to AA and am on step three "making a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understand him"... and since I don't understand him at all I"m wondering what I will accomplish by turning my will and life over to him... The older I get, the less I 'know'... I just want to feel like I"m on solid ground... but is this all there is?? More questions than answers???
I posted this in mental health but won't get too many responses there. Just looking for the thoughts and experiences of others, feedback, answers, anything but this 'feeling lost' all the time...
Sorry, I don't have anything that would help you, but I totally relate to what you posted. I do the same thing - try to sleep as much as possible (with the help of wine & benzos) to get through another day. And, I don't "off" myself either just because of my dog and cat and my Mom. I've decided not to get anymore animals and when the animals and my Mom are gone, I will be too.
Hope someone here can offer some advice to help you. I could use it too.
Hugs,
c
jimbo
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: london berks England
Posts: 426
i have cried a billion tears ,screamed into my pillow a million times over the death of my daughter and the rape of my other daughter who spent 5 years in a mental hospital ,my two lovely younger brothers died,my mum died and my first cousin who was also my best friend got murdered 5 years ago just after the death of my brother in a house fire,my partner got butchered in a botched op and can not have children ,died twice and is virtually disabled
to say the last few years have been tough would be an understatement
i have drank myself to an inch of dying i have wasted many years of my life in a drunken stupor
i have failed miserably at everything i half hearted tried to do
i have sat on a high tree branch with a rope around my neck wanting to jump off
i have stopped drinking and my life is live able ,i am a good dad again and when i look in the mirror i like what i see the nice guy i once was is staring back at me
do i get sad and down well put it like this i have tears streaming down my face just writing this thinking about how you are hurting
its not how many times you go down when fate kicks you in the nuts that matter its how many times you can find the guts to get back up
its not the defiant voice that screams out in rage that takes all your courage its the little voice that says through the tears and sobs into your pillow ,ok things are bad but tomorrow i will hang in there and try again
i am the happiest if that is the word i would use for me i have been in years ,life is still very tough i brake down i cry but i wipe my eyes and try to laugh and joke ,it is the only way i know
and when i think the world ,my partner ,my god,even my children hate me i turn to my dogs who love me more than anything,it matters not to them that i'm a failure or i'm fat bald,ugly or so down i should just move to the earths core my dogs love me as yours love you
keep going forward one baby step at a time if they are in the right direction eventually you will arrive in a good place
please believe me there is a life out there just waiting for you to find it
to say the last few years have been tough would be an understatement
i have drank myself to an inch of dying i have wasted many years of my life in a drunken stupor
i have failed miserably at everything i half hearted tried to do
i have sat on a high tree branch with a rope around my neck wanting to jump off
i have stopped drinking and my life is live able ,i am a good dad again and when i look in the mirror i like what i see the nice guy i once was is staring back at me
do i get sad and down well put it like this i have tears streaming down my face just writing this thinking about how you are hurting
its not how many times you go down when fate kicks you in the nuts that matter its how many times you can find the guts to get back up
its not the defiant voice that screams out in rage that takes all your courage its the little voice that says through the tears and sobs into your pillow ,ok things are bad but tomorrow i will hang in there and try again
i am the happiest if that is the word i would use for me i have been in years ,life is still very tough i brake down i cry but i wipe my eyes and try to laugh and joke ,it is the only way i know
and when i think the world ,my partner ,my god,even my children hate me i turn to my dogs who love me more than anything,it matters not to them that i'm a failure or i'm fat bald,ugly or so down i should just move to the earths core my dogs love me as yours love you
keep going forward one baby step at a time if they are in the right direction eventually you will arrive in a good place
please believe me there is a life out there just waiting for you to find it
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 384
Originally Posted by least
So I"m just waiting... always waiting... for what?
The wonderment of life is all around us...we only need to open our eyes and look at the world like a child again to see the magic that surrounds us each & every day
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: corpus christi, tx
Posts: 211
(((Least)))
I agree with Anna that you should revisit your Dr. Sometimes they think that increasing the dose is better than changing the meds, and being on the wrong antidepression med can make things worse.
The first time that I was given them it was for chronic pain and after two weeks I wanted to cut my own throat I was that depressed. When I told my Dr that, He didn't up the dose but he did suggest that I keep using them for a couple of months and then see how I felt. LOL! I stopped the pills AND changed Dr's.
Good job on your week sober. I know you can do this, your really stronger than you think.
Love Ya
Linda
I agree with Anna that you should revisit your Dr. Sometimes they think that increasing the dose is better than changing the meds, and being on the wrong antidepression med can make things worse.
The first time that I was given them it was for chronic pain and after two weeks I wanted to cut my own throat I was that depressed. When I told my Dr that, He didn't up the dose but he did suggest that I keep using them for a couple of months and then see how I felt. LOL! I stopped the pills AND changed Dr's.
Good job on your week sober. I know you can do this, your really stronger than you think.
Love Ya
Linda
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: California
Posts: 108
You said you were going to post on the mental health forum, but probably wouldn't get a lot of replies. Did you mean the one on here?
There's another forum for mental health called depressionforums.org that you might try. I think the thread is called depression central.
There's another forum for mental health called depressionforums.org that you might try. I think the thread is called depression central.
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
My higher power is my fervent wish that I HAVE a higher power somewhere. My higher power is my waiting for something good to happen. My higher power is what keeps me living to care for my dogs. My higher power is the relief I get from my 8 hours of sleep. My higher power is the little voice that tells me not to kill myself, that it WILL get better... but that voice never tells me how long it will take.
My problems are small compared with some, but I'm still unable to deal with them. I'm trying desperately just to hang on to this minute and not worry about the next one. I'm trying to hang on one more week to see if the med changes start to help me feel better.
My higher power is what's keeping me sober today, as my feelings just want me to be oblivious to all this.
I will email my shrink - again - and see what he says, but for now must wait another week to let the med changes take effect.
I had a good talk with sponsor last night. Didn't solve anything, just was able to vent to a 'safe person' who understands what I'm going thru. I am taking things one minute at a time, cause that's all I can do right now.
My problems are small compared with some, but I'm still unable to deal with them. I'm trying desperately just to hang on to this minute and not worry about the next one. I'm trying to hang on one more week to see if the med changes start to help me feel better.
My higher power is what's keeping me sober today, as my feelings just want me to be oblivious to all this.
I will email my shrink - again - and see what he says, but for now must wait another week to let the med changes take effect.
I had a good talk with sponsor last night. Didn't solve anything, just was able to vent to a 'safe person' who understands what I'm going thru. I am taking things one minute at a time, cause that's all I can do right now.
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