What should I make of this?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 246
What should I make of this?
Something really ticked me off last night. We attended an end-of-year kid baseball party last night with other parents. Loads and loads of booze. I didn't drink, and really wasn't even tempted. (67 days).
Anyway, there's one couple with whom my wife and I were fairly close with a year ago. We've drank with them in the past, and frankly, one reason I haven't pushed my wife to spend more time with them lately is because we've never had much in common beyond booze. We've grown apart in 2009, for a multitude of reasons, but I think my family is better for it.
At social functions where we see them, the husband has really zoned in on me not drinking anymore. I'm not public about it, haven't discussed it with him or anyone else, yet he jumps on me when he sees me pass on booze. "Still on the wagon, eh?!" To which I've replied, "Just watching my weight." Last night he throws in: "Doing AA? That's the rumor going around." I stopped him cold and asked if he was being serious, to which he replied, that, no, he was just joking. Nonetheless, it angered me, though I didn't let it show.
Why'n the %$@#! can't he accept that I am focusing on my health and simply not interested in driving home a family of five with a few beers under my belt! NO ONE else in my life – and that includes my family, my vast group of hard-drinking in-laws, other friends, coworkers, anyone – has said anything about me passing on alcohol, yet he calls me out every time. After five queries, can't he move on? Should I tell him not to back off?
I know this is a small matter compared to most of the dialogue on SR, but I needed to vent!
Anyway, there's one couple with whom my wife and I were fairly close with a year ago. We've drank with them in the past, and frankly, one reason I haven't pushed my wife to spend more time with them lately is because we've never had much in common beyond booze. We've grown apart in 2009, for a multitude of reasons, but I think my family is better for it.
At social functions where we see them, the husband has really zoned in on me not drinking anymore. I'm not public about it, haven't discussed it with him or anyone else, yet he jumps on me when he sees me pass on booze. "Still on the wagon, eh?!" To which I've replied, "Just watching my weight." Last night he throws in: "Doing AA? That's the rumor going around." I stopped him cold and asked if he was being serious, to which he replied, that, no, he was just joking. Nonetheless, it angered me, though I didn't let it show.
Why'n the %$@#! can't he accept that I am focusing on my health and simply not interested in driving home a family of five with a few beers under my belt! NO ONE else in my life – and that includes my family, my vast group of hard-drinking in-laws, other friends, coworkers, anyone – has said anything about me passing on alcohol, yet he calls me out every time. After five queries, can't he move on? Should I tell him not to back off?
I know this is a small matter compared to most of the dialogue on SR, but I needed to vent!
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
"Why'n the %$@#! can't he accept that I am focusing on my health..."
I had the same question about some people when I stopped drinking, so I asked my sponsor.
I HATED his answer/suggestion... lol...
My sponsor said, "Why'n the %$@#! can't YOU accept that other people aren't gonna do things you like, and that you have no control over what they do & think?"
So now... when someone acts like that guy did with you, I tell them that I think drinking makes people act stupid, and I'm just taking a break from acting stupid. Their next question will ALWAYS be... "So then.. you think I act stupid when I drink?" And I always reply, "Does drinking ever make anyone act smarter?"
If you want to soften things a bit... lol... you can add that you don't know about anyone but yourself.
The solution: page 449 of the big book... acceptance...?
I had the same question about some people when I stopped drinking, so I asked my sponsor.
I HATED his answer/suggestion... lol...
My sponsor said, "Why'n the %$@#! can't YOU accept that other people aren't gonna do things you like, and that you have no control over what they do & think?"
So now... when someone acts like that guy did with you, I tell them that I think drinking makes people act stupid, and I'm just taking a break from acting stupid. Their next question will ALWAYS be... "So then.. you think I act stupid when I drink?" And I always reply, "Does drinking ever make anyone act smarter?"
If you want to soften things a bit... lol... you can add that you don't know about anyone but yourself.
The solution: page 449 of the big book... acceptance...?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 72
I have two thoughts:
1) the guy is just a jerk
2) maybe he feels uncomfortable with his own drinking and looking at you, someone who used to drink but isn't anymore, is not making him feel too good about himself.
Either way there is nothing you can do about him, and he doesn't sound like he is worth the time. Seriously, what kind of person tries to push alcohol on someone who then has to drive their kids home? I don't blame you at all for being annoyed (I'm annoyed by him and I wasn't even there!), but move on and realize some people just will never have a clue.
1) the guy is just a jerk
2) maybe he feels uncomfortable with his own drinking and looking at you, someone who used to drink but isn't anymore, is not making him feel too good about himself.
Either way there is nothing you can do about him, and he doesn't sound like he is worth the time. Seriously, what kind of person tries to push alcohol on someone who then has to drive their kids home? I don't blame you at all for being annoyed (I'm annoyed by him and I wasn't even there!), but move on and realize some people just will never have a clue.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Sounds like the guy wants everyone to be a drunk like him, so he looks better.
Can you call him out on it? Tell him, "wow, my health really does have you concerned, doesn't it" or some such thing?
If it helps....he's annoying me and I don't even know him!
Can you call him out on it? Tell him, "wow, my health really does have you concerned, doesn't it" or some such thing?
If it helps....he's annoying me and I don't even know him!
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 111
coffeenut has a point. he's probably used to having somone there beside him so he doesn't have to look at his own problem. "misery loves company", right? stay strong and composed. who knows, maybe another person gets sober as a result of your example. i think it is awesome. the way i see it, you are showing the STRENGTH of sobriety.
best regards,
bh
best regards,
bh
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
People that stopped drinking or turned down a drink would drive me nuts..
I found all sorts of excuses why they drove me mad.
but the bottom line was they seem to achieve something that was ALWAYS out of my grasp......
Maybe he is not to blame....just blinded by envy.
sounds like he may need you in the future?....
I found all sorts of excuses why they drove me mad.
but the bottom line was they seem to achieve something that was ALWAYS out of my grasp......
Maybe he is not to blame....just blinded by envy.
sounds like he may need you in the future?....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 24
I think he is my version of an adult bully. . people who have to make others look bad to make themselves look better. He probably knows he has a problem but doesnt have the courage to take the steps you have. If he called me out again, I would look him straight in the eye and say..."Im getting healthy and doing whats best for me and my family...read into what you like" and walk away.
I think that anyone who quits drinking whether they drank every day or was just a weekend binger is taking steps to make life healthier for everyone around them...he probably wishes he could do the same!
I think that anyone who quits drinking whether they drank every day or was just a weekend binger is taking steps to make life healthier for everyone around them...he probably wishes he could do the same!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 235
Hey Freeport! Congrats on 67 days!
My first thought after reading your post was that this guy is envious, probably has a problem with alcohol himself, and is somewhat intimidated and/or uncomfortable by the fact that you're not drinking. Most people whose lives aren't consumed with alcohol probably don't even pick up on the fact that you're not drinking! For someone to go out of their way to say something like that is a red flag to me...he probably has his own share of issues with alcohol.
Like someone else mentioned, "misery loves company." I can recall many times when I'd been drinking and it almost IRITATED me to see people not drinking. It sounds completely ridiculous...but it's true.
Anyway...someone like that isn't worth your time. No longer associating with him sounds like a good decision on your part.
My first thought after reading your post was that this guy is envious, probably has a problem with alcohol himself, and is somewhat intimidated and/or uncomfortable by the fact that you're not drinking. Most people whose lives aren't consumed with alcohol probably don't even pick up on the fact that you're not drinking! For someone to go out of their way to say something like that is a red flag to me...he probably has his own share of issues with alcohol.
Like someone else mentioned, "misery loves company." I can recall many times when I'd been drinking and it almost IRITATED me to see people not drinking. It sounds completely ridiculous...but it's true.
Anyway...someone like that isn't worth your time. No longer associating with him sounds like a good decision on your part.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Don't worry about it mate TBH.
I never used to wan't to associate with non-drinkers ever since I have Binge-drank weekly since age 16/17, as the two are poles apart. I am gratefull that I have experinced all of the 'Craic' that goes with 'bingeing with the boys'.
Deep dowm when I would be drinking around non-drinkers I would be a little wary as I would be steaming and they would be, well, sober.
Also deep-down I knew drinking to excess weren't really doing myself any favours so i would like to be around other "P*ss-heads" where I didn't have to feel guilty about my drinking.
You are doing great mate.
Think how much better (in the long-run) you felt during and after that party. No regrets or acting like a tit/saying something out of line etcetc.
I never used to wan't to associate with non-drinkers ever since I have Binge-drank weekly since age 16/17, as the two are poles apart. I am gratefull that I have experinced all of the 'Craic' that goes with 'bingeing with the boys'.
Deep dowm when I would be drinking around non-drinkers I would be a little wary as I would be steaming and they would be, well, sober.
Also deep-down I knew drinking to excess weren't really doing myself any favours so i would like to be around other "P*ss-heads" where I didn't have to feel guilty about my drinking.
You are doing great mate.
Think how much better (in the long-run) you felt during and after that party. No regrets or acting like a tit/saying something out of line etcetc.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 246
You guys are all awesome. Thanks for taking the time to respond to what's a pretty small matter in the grand scheme of things. Per tommyk, some folks aren't going to always behave exactly like I want them to. That said, if it does repeatedly come up again, I think I will be politely blunt and ask him to move on! Looking forward to a great sober weekend!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Freeport in all likelyhood the man knows he has a problem and is bothered that you are not giving him some sort of comfort that he does not have a problem when you join him.
I would be very tempted the next time he ask you why you are not drinking to say "I really quit just to make you look bad!" LOL I bet that would shut him up for good!
I would be very tempted the next time he ask you why you are not drinking to say "I really quit just to make you look bad!" LOL I bet that would shut him up for good!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Freeport, your going to run across people like this, guess it is part of life. I have repeatedly over the years, both from folks I do know, and those just met at a function, party, wedding, etc.
Now, in time you will develop several responses. Mine go something like this:
First time offered an alcoholic drink by person: No thank you.
Second Time: NO and walk away
Third Time: "Do you like it here? (Town we live in). Well, then if I take that drink say goodbye to _________, because it will never be the same again. I was a mean nasty drunk and I will rip this town apart." Then I walk away.
They NEVER bother me again, even if I see them at another function.
I have come to realize that the one's that persist, as has been said above, are really UNCOMFORTABLE with my not drinking, because they have a problem with theirs.
You did good!!!!!!!
Have a great weekend.
Love and hugs,
Now, in time you will develop several responses. Mine go something like this:
First time offered an alcoholic drink by person: No thank you.
Second Time: NO and walk away
Third Time: "Do you like it here? (Town we live in). Well, then if I take that drink say goodbye to _________, because it will never be the same again. I was a mean nasty drunk and I will rip this town apart." Then I walk away.
They NEVER bother me again, even if I see them at another function.
I have come to realize that the one's that persist, as has been said above, are really UNCOMFORTABLE with my not drinking, because they have a problem with theirs.
You did good!!!!!!!
Have a great weekend.
Love and hugs,
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Originally Posted by laurie6781 
\
First time offered an alcoholic drink by person: No thank you.
Second Time: NO and walk away
Third Time: "Do you like it here? (Town we live in). Well, then if I take that drink say goodbye to _________, because it will never be the same again. I was a mean nasty drunk and I will rip this town apart." Then I walk away.
They NEVER bother me again, even if I see them at another function.
First time offered an alcoholic drink by person: No thank you.
Second Time: NO and walk away
Third Time: "Do you like it here? (Town we live in). Well, then if I take that drink say goodbye to _________, because it will never be the same again. I was a mean nasty drunk and I will rip this town apart." Then I walk away.
They NEVER bother me again, even if I see them at another function.
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
It's good that you are staying sober, thank you.
Have you considered the possibility that this man is watching you to see if sobriety and A.A. works for you before he reaches out for help himself? You could be that example that others see about how well a spiritual program of recovery works! By living this way of life and proving for ourselves that it works in all that we do;
we are sharing our experience, strength, and hope with the rest of the world.
Have you considered the possibility that this man is watching you to see if sobriety and A.A. works for you before he reaches out for help himself? You could be that example that others see about how well a spiritual program of recovery works! By living this way of life and proving for ourselves that it works in all that we do;
we are sharing our experience, strength, and hope with the rest of the world.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
I liked these reactions on this thread: there is wisdom there -
So true!
Maybe he is not to blame....just blinded by envy.
sounds like he may need you in the future?....
sounds like he may need you in the future?....
Most people whose lives aren't consumed with alcohol probably don't even pick up on the fact that you're not drinking!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Originally Posted by Freeport
I am focusing on my health and simply not interested in driving home a family of five with a few beers under my belt!
Great Job Freeport, don't let it get to you. Be proud to be a non drinker who is responsible for their family & taking care of themselves & their family in a whole new way. Continue to lead by example.
Congratulations
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 249
Hey there,
I don't think I was every a bully about it but I know at some of my lower points I would often ask those not drinking why they weren't...I didn't want to drink alone and WANTED them to drink with me. I would never ask someone so blatantly but I did ask in private and I always had that understanding look on my face *shudders*...I asked because I wanted to be like them. Interesting that he asked you about AA...sounds to me like he may need to head to one of those meetings soon. I notice some of my "friends" who ask about AA are usually the ones who need it and have secretly researched it...AA is not usually brought up by my "normal" drinking friends...Good job on handling it the way you did!! KUDOS!
~Reb
I don't think I was every a bully about it but I know at some of my lower points I would often ask those not drinking why they weren't...I didn't want to drink alone and WANTED them to drink with me. I would never ask someone so blatantly but I did ask in private and I always had that understanding look on my face *shudders*...I asked because I wanted to be like them. Interesting that he asked you about AA...sounds to me like he may need to head to one of those meetings soon. I notice some of my "friends" who ask about AA are usually the ones who need it and have secretly researched it...AA is not usually brought up by my "normal" drinking friends...Good job on handling it the way you did!! KUDOS!
~Reb
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