robc

I guess that I am writing this just to hear some feedback that will set me straight. I have no intentions of making drinking a regular part of my life, but am willing to hear some constructive criticism. I stopped drinking for over three months. In the last month I have had one beer a few times. Last night I was extremely stressed out and dissappointed with my current job search and interview situation. One could argue that my addictive voice won. I chose to drink last night and had six beers. After my sixth beer, I had no urge to drink anymore and stopped. I drank a ton of water and did not wake up hungover. After weeks of trying to get an offer from two companies, I did and was unhappy with both. I decided to decline both job offers and justified drinking because of my dissappointment and boredom. After declining a job today, the potential employer decided he wanted to talk tomorrow. I guess my stress and uncertainty led me to drink today. I have no intention of drinking too much, but realize this should be a concern. Tomorrow I will regroup and feel confident that I will not let this become a routine. I guess I could be at a cross roads of either doing the right thing or letting the alchohol take over. I am extremely confident it won't happen, but I am sure once I hear some feedback it will solidify my not getting caught up in drinking. It is possible I am in complete denial and will become a raging drinker. I also think it is possible I will not. I guess I will be put to the test in the next few days and possibly forever. I have always been open to the fact I may be an alcoholic and may not. Even if I choose not to drink in the future, I am open to the fact it can get out of control at anytime. I am not over doing my consumption, but also realize I could at any time. I will listen to the feedback and keep you posted. I think I will be fine, but will use this post to determine if that is the case.

Thanks,

Rob

Dee74

Well you sound a tad conflicted there Rob.

I think tho you know you're playing with fire - you've posted here pretty regularly since February...guys who can take or leave it don't usually join recovery sites.

Even if you stopped at one, or two, or six...even if you didn't feel drunk, even if you had over 3 months - drinking to alleviate boredom stress or disappointment is a huge red flag to me Rob.

I could have periods of control too...but they never lasted. That's why we're all here.

In the end, only you can decide if its a problem or not Rob - but thats my .02
D

Rowan

Well. To me, it sounds like you are trying (and succeeding thus far) in controlling your drinking. I might be able to do that too. But I don't want to take the risk. Too many times, I tried to control it and didn't succeed. I am without a doubt an alcoholic. Whatever your course may be, I wish you the best.

otterbearcat

Hi Rob,

I feel like Im reading a post from myself that is a week or 2 in the future.
Im about to be unemployed.

The only constructive thing I have to say is that 6 beers seems to be an amount you think is okay. Ive thought in my head that two would be my limit if I started drinking again.

If you can drink 6 beers with no hangover, Id think your 'tolerance' is too high not to have 'a problem'.

It does sound a little like you are in denial.

Thats just my 2 cents, Ive got about 2 months with 4 sips of alcohol and poured the rest out.

happyguy

I guess that you problem with alcohol stems from your inability to handle difficulties of life. But instead of resorting to beer, I urge you to do some work on your attitude and perspective of life. the fact that you have not got a job is not the end of the world. There are many people like you online who are self employed and making good money. Why not join them? Also, if you can afford it, try getting help from a good and reliable treatment center around you or online.

drug and alcohol treatment centers

jade09

Everyone has a very different background and history that goes along with thier drinking problem--I've know almost since my first drunk that I had a problem, and lived and suffered for way too many years thinking this was something I could control---I even thought to myself that I had to control it because I did not want to actually have to quit completely one day. You have to be honest with yourself and take a stand one way or the other----or else you are going to be battling yourself in more than one way. Even if you're not an "alcoholic"--there seems to be enough of an issue here that you are struggling through. My only advice is that maybe you should just there alcohol out of the equation for now until you feel more stable and certain of things. In my experience, as I'm sure many others can tell you.....nothing good had come out of my drinking. It is just not an option for me. Maybe it is for you, but until you are confident in that decision, your thinking will be clearer and more honest without the drink. Good luck with the job, let us know

sfgirl

The first thing is like Dee said, I think you should examine the fact that you couldn't deal with the stress and uncertainty of life's trials without alcohol. You probably could have white-knuckled it that night but as of yet you didn't have other coping skills that were easy to turn to in your time of need. What was easiest for you to do was drink.

The other thing is about the addictive voice. I basically teetered between controlling my drinking and sobriety for three years. It was hell because of the addictive voice. I didn't really get it and its power. So I was always in arguments in my head, addictive voice vs. attempted rational voice. But those two voices easily get confused and switch places, become each other. Basically if you ever start getting into the argument and wait for the result of the argument— the addictive voice usually wins and definitely wins in the long run. It also takes up so much energy. I have found finally, now in sobriety that what I have to do is ignore the voice, ignore the argument completely. I cannot indulge. I really think this is why controlled drinking doesn't work, at least not for me. Because if I set my limit for two every night, well then come Wednesday I would be thinking how I could modify it so that I would shift those drinks from Wed to Thurs so I could have 4 that night. And so on the rule shifting would begin. I couldn't tell what was "good rational" and what was bad. The best thing to do, the only thing to do was to fall out of any debate. So much energy. I am so happy I don't do it any more.

But to get to that point you have to get to a point where you believe (not think— because thinking is where your addictive voice will rationalize you out of it) in sobriety). That is something you can only get to on your own. I wish that for you only because I think it will save you lots of energy if you are anything like I was which from your post it sounds like you are.

robc

Wow, I must say those were the most articulate and compassionate explanations that I could ever hear. Thank you. I have never been concerned about my drinking until about four months ago. I have never tried to control it. I think we are all different in how we handle things and I am handling my situation through experience. This may be a horrible thing, but it seems that everyone that has come to the conclusion that have a problem has had to go through this. I have not really had any cravings for alcohol in the last four months. There have been times where I felt anxiety and chose not to drink. I chose to do so tonight, which may have been the wrong decision. I believe that no matter what anyone says, the individual has to experience what happens and that will determine where they are at. I think it is important to be open to the fact that one may have a problem. If tonight turns into many nights, then I will have to take note of that. Even if tonight turns out to be nothing, I still acknowledge that I should be aware of what I do. It is possible that I can be an alchoholic and still control my drinking. I rarely feel conflicted about drinking and it is usually not an issue. With that said, I chose to drink, which may have been the wrong decision. If a non alcoholic chose to drink in my situation, then it may be the wrong decision, but not be a problem in general. I would say that I enjoy doing things that may not be the right things, but tend to look at the consequences and refrain. I enjoy unhealthy eating and although I do it, I refrain because I know the consequences of the bad food and that it will make me fat. I seem to think in the same terms with alcohol. The bad outweighs the good in many cases. I would rather not drink, then have the hangover in most cases. I would rather not drink, then feel the negative affects on my health. I do admit that I let myself drink too much in the past because I did not dislike the consequences more than the drinking. At this point, I dislike the consequences more than drinking. I think the consequences provide more of a deterent than the enjoyment. At this time, I chose the enjoyment, but don't necessarily think this is something I will do in the future. I definitely could be wrong and will monitor what I do in the future. I could be in denial and also could be in a place to control what I am doing. I guess only I can experience what will tell me the truth. One thing I have learned from this forum and from talking to people is that only the individual can decide. I am obviously concerned and that is why I chose to make the post. I think it is extremely important that tomorrow I do not drink. It will not solve anything, but will definitely be a sign that I need to check myself. One thing that is extremely important to me is that drinking does not get in the way of working or everyday life. I am very determined not to let it and also realize that it could. Thanks for the great replies.

Dee74

Good luck with whatever you decide Robc

D

hendershot

Lots of rationalizing and defending of your drinking there. Although it does seem you are very open and honest with yourself about your ambivalence as to whether or not there really is a problem--a good thing, the honesty.
I am not in the camp of people who would label every problem drinker an alcoholic. I don't know if you are one based on this. It is up to you to decide if you are one and it sounds like you are unsure at this point.
However, I don't think you found this recovery forum by accident and that in and of itself should raise some questions in your mind as to how much you are struggling with this. I don't think "normal" drinkers have a hard time with this kind of thing.
I was unsure of whether or not I was an alcoholic for awhile. Then after going to AA meetings for awhile it dawned on me. Why am I going to AA? Why do I need it to not drink? Oh wait, maybe I really am an alocholic after-all.
I agree with you that experiences are key to gaining understanding and really deciding to take affirmative action. But there can be one major flaw in this approach however: you can wait a long time for such an experience enlighten you that alcohol is really a big enough problem in your life that you need to do something about it. Many die before they have any such moment. It seems that you may already have the answer though. You just can't fully admit it to yourself. Best of luck on the journey.

Wolfchild

If you believe that it's God's will for you to drink, then there is no problem, right? If you are drinking because it is your will to drink, then it really isn't gonna matter one way or the other what anyone says, right? No one here can change your mind for you. No one here can show you the spiritual consequences of what you are doing. No one here can restore you to sanity. We can help you if you want help, that's our responsibilty as recovering alcoholics/addicts. i hope that when you find yourself spending more time and effort to control your drinking then you are putting into living life, that you will remember the light is always on and the door is always open.

Good luck, i wish the best for you in whatever you chose to do.
BTW-it is nice to hear from you again, regardless of the situation.

maz09

I don't think you need to explain or justify your drinking. If you decided to have some beers then it's up to you. I think if it starts to be a problem again and starts controlling your life, then it's something to be concern about.

robc

Thanks hendershot. I agree that I did not stumble upon this site. I had experienced some health problems, which made me extremely worried. I took a proactive approach and decided I better learn more about the affects of alchohol. I am still extemely concerned about drinking and do not ever want to experience the physical problems I had. I will not justify my drinking tonight and I am keeping an open mind to the fact that I drank and why. I have also learned that all acoholics are different and approach drinking differently. I had my beers and stopped drinking at a certain point. I have no urge to continue drinking and stopped when my body and mind told me to stop. Obviously, this does not justify or support how much I drank or why I drank. I guess it just says that at this time I decided not to continue. I know that we are all different and one's experience it different than others. The fact that I have not urge to drink anymore and did not drink myself into a black out period does not make me safer than someone who does. Maybe others have been where I am at, but my body told me to stop and I have no urge to drink anymore. This could be a tolerance thing and I realize that drinking can be a progressive thing. I guess I can reflect on the situation and choose to try to do the responsible thing. I would like to thing that I can manage the situation and not over indulge and also realize that it is possible I can't. I guess time will tell. I also realize that even if I can moderate my drinking that it is not some huge accomplishment. We all know that alcohol is a poison and should not be ingested. Not to be flip about it, but we also know that eating a carne asada burrito is not good for you, but some of us will indulge from time to time. I think the real fact is that alcoholics can not decide when they will drink and when they don't. I can't say that I am in control because I have not been in that situation. I can say that I will try and then react to that situation. At this point, I am going to drink a lot of water and go to sleep and not drink anymore. From the stand point of immediate consequences, I am willing to wait up tired tomorrow for the relaxation and buzz that I got. If you were to ask me if the consequences of drinking on a regular basis outweigh sobriety, I would say no. I guess that is the question we all have to answer. If asked if anyone should drink, I would say no. Can people enjoy drinking even if the consequence of the next day are not great, I would say yes. That is pretty much the determining factor in someone that is an alchoholic or not. I don't know where I fit in and hope that I will not take it to the next level. Is it possible? Yes. Am I concerned and proactively make sure it does not? Yes. If things do get out of control, I am pretty confident that I will address them. If it turns out that I don't have the strenght to do so or that alchohol has power of me, then time will tell. Unfortunately, I think there are people out there that can function with an alcohol problem for their entire lives. I do not want to be a functioning problem drinking either way.

marty888

I have tried the controlled drinking that many times, within a week I am back too if not worse than I was before. I just keep reminding myself if I dont have the first drink I cant get drunk

NEOMARXIST

Quote:

Originally Posted by marty888

. I just keep reminding myself if I dont have the first drink I cant get drunk

My advice to myself.

hendershot

Rob: just one thing, you say: "If things do get out of control, I am pretty confident that I will address them."
I tend to think that you are thinking about this in the wrong way. Just because things don't "get out of control" doesn't mean there isn't any problem that should be addressed--"functional" is a relative term as well. And even if it does "hit the fan" at some point, there is no guaruntee that you will find recovery--this is a progressive deal. It sounds to me like you are justifying your behavior, saying that you are playing Russian Roulette with only one bullet in the revolver, while the rest of the alcoholics are doing it with two, three, or four bullets. Why play the game at all?

smacked

The great thing about this, is that everything you wrote, is entirely your choice. You're not flipping a coin here. If you don't drink, the terrible things about drinking wont happen. If you do, then you're gambling on that... and if you're willing to do that, well that's your choice of course.

It's not up to anyone here to talk you into anything..

I hope you make healthy choices. Sometimes people don't make it back from those 'consequences' out there.

robc

Well, I can't say I regret drinking yesterday, but also have no urge to do so today. The one negative is that it increased my anxiety (mind racing) and I did not sleep at all. I think that I prefer not to drink and will not drink today.

Anna

Hi Rob,

I also think that you are playing with fire. That's just my opinion.

I think, that if you turn to alcohol to help you deal with life's problems (such as a job search), you are headed for trouble. There are healthy ways to deal with stress that do not keep you awake at night and cause increased anxiety.

I wish you well, Rob!

KenL

Good choice. Just live your life one day at a time Rob and hope for a bright future. We're here for ya. Peace.