bjork

They all realize something is going on. Last week I had 9 days sober and attended a party with them and drank. I'm on day 4 now. Two nights in a row I have been asked out and declined. Lastnight was to dinner and then tonight was to happy hour.

Tonight I got a text from a friend saying "You are either clinically depressed or becoming the crazy cat lady." I had a really nice day today! I met a friend for coffee and went shopping. Then I get this text....and it REALLY bothers me.

I am in a peculiar situation since I live in Italy. My friends are my colleagues. Not all, but most of them drink.

I don't want to drink or anything, but tonight's ridicule just really bothers me. REALLY BOTHERS ME!!!!

How have/would you handle this?

TTOSBT

Fortunately, in sobriety you find out who your true friends are and who are just drinking buddies. I would be tempted to respond to that text with "Neither, actually. Just focusing on some other interests other than just drinking "
But that is just me.

Stay focused and do not worry about what anyone else thinks. Truly, the people that really care about you will notice the positive change in you with continued sobriety, and be happy for you!

In the meantime, keep posting! We can all relate.

bjork

Thank you your response. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I think you have a point with them just wanting another drinking buddy.

The depression-cat lady comment was just so intentionally abrasive though! LOL

I think I was the one who always got the most wasted anyhow. Maybe they know they will miss having someone that made them feel better about their drinking???

NewBeginning010

Its funny how embarrassed we all are in announcing our conviction about something that has been killing us & ruining our lives for a long time.

You can start off with whatever makes you comfortable for now.

Like:

- I have decided to try to get healthier & avoid alcohol right now, do you want to do something with me without drinking being involved?

- I am on a medication & have to avoid alcohol right now, do you want to do something with me without drinking being involved?

- I have decided to quit drinking, do you want to do something with me without drinking being involved?

- {insert any reason you feel comfortable with here}, do you want to do something with me without drinking being involved?

If they continue to belittle you & cant honor your wishes or even suggest something that doesn't involve alcohol thank them in your heart & continue on your path as they were not true friends anyway.

All of the best in your recovery.

Take Care,

NB

TTOSBT

Yup. I know I have found that now that I am sober, other people discuss their drinking or try to "control" it around me. It is funny because now that I have been sober over a year, I feel safer around people that are drinking but I just don't care. They all care a LOT more than I do. Hehe. My brother visited last week and he drinks to excess. He was very conscious of it around me though and spoke of it several times. I just smiled and said "Enjoy yourself, you have a designated driver".

The depression-cat comment is truly their own stuff. You mean the ONLY reason you would not be out partying during the week is if you were depressed? That is kinda sad actually.

I am not sure how comfortable you are "outing" yourself, but when I first quit drinking, I just told folks that were not my family that I was choosing not to drink because....
you can choose whatever reason you want. For me, I said I was dieting. That worked until I was ready and secure enough to just say, I don't drink.

Good luck!!!

tommyk

Are you being honest with them...? Did you tell them...?

If you express your desires to cease drinking and they still persist, then they aren't friends, that's for sure.

Personally I suspect that the 'crazy cat lady' comment was just a remark with no real meaning. They simply don't know what you are going through, maybe.

flutter

Yep, I learned quickly who my friends were, and who my drinking buddies were.

Assuming they are friends, do they know about your committment to sobriety? If they do and they're still asking you out, that's very disrespectful. If they don't know, well.. they don't know and can only guess why you'd be declining their offers.

One way I found quickly who my friends were, was to ask them to do something totally unrelated to drinking. If you're thinking "well that would be weird, I've never done anything with them but go out drinking", you've likely answered the "friends versus drinking buddies" question.

I had to change everything for my sobriety (other than my husband of course). Painful, but absolutely worth it.

Anna

Hi Bjork,

I think there are many hard choices to make in early sobriety.

It sounds to me like your 'friends' hurt you purposely, and it's now up to you to make a choice about what to do.

Stay strong and be proud of your sobriety!

bjork

Thank you Tommy. I think the remarks were just "jabs"....you know. Still.....not nice.

I haven't told anybody, because honestly I haven't seen them in a few days. I just get the 7pm phone calls or text messages saying "We're meeting at ____." If I don't show up, I get the annoying follow-up text messages. I can't text back as my phone's texting capabilities don't work any more.

My friend that I met for coffee today doesn't drink, and I told her I just didn't want to go out and drink all the time (This isn't the first time I've said this to her). She isn't aware of the extent of my drinking anyhow. She's understanding and doesn't see anything wrong with it (of course LOL). I know that she's one person I can call up and do things with on occassion (she has young kids).

The one that text me tonight, I will eventually get the opportunity to say something if she calls instead of texting me. (ie I want to do something that doesn't involve drinking.)

Thanks for the posts!!!

flutter

When I first quit, I just said I was trying to be healthier (truth..) and not drinking anymore, and left it up to them if they wanted to hang out sometime.

Funny.. it's been 6 months and I haven't had a call.

Dee74

I was totally honest with my friends - most of them knew anyway - I was pretty outa control the last year or two.

I still lost some friends...looking back, they weren't friends they were drinking partners.
They were pretty put out by me 'leaving' them and I got some funny mssgs too.

My real friends stayed with me, and I met some new ones here as a bonus

D

joedris

Hi Bjork, Why don't you just call the friend that sent you the text. Explain what's going on. The text may have been more of a question as to why you aren't joining the group rather than a jab at you. If they didn't care, I don't think you would have gotten a text.
And if they won't accept the fact that you'd rather do things other than drink, then, as Flutter said, it's time to find new friends.

hendershot

If you are serious about your sobriety you can't keep hanging out with your old friends and going along for partying type activities. This is tough and will require you cutting people you consider to be good friends. I had to explain to people what was going on with me and I told them that I would be more than happy to keep being friends but that would require doing stuff with them that didn't involve drugs and alcohol. A few of them understood and I still get to see them. The others don't get it and I am sorry that I don't get hang out with them anymore but it is well worth the sobriety.
Good friends and normal drinkers will be happy for you. Those who aren't or have problems themselves will not want to tolerate having you as a sober friend. I can't blame them really though, when I was drinking/using I didn't want to be around any sober people either.
Making friends in the program is essential as well.

kj3880

When I face something like this, I can avoid catching a resentment by remembering that when I was one of the people using/drinking, I didn't want anyone to stay sober, either. It seemed like a buzz-kill at the time to see someone just drinking coke in the midst of all the craziness. Know what I mean? It wouldn't have been personal if I didn't call you back during my active addiction. It would only have meant that I assumed you didn't want to drink, and I didn't think you enjoyed being around people who do. That's kind of true, isn't it? It isn't all that fun being sober around a bunch of drunk drunks. Much better to be sober with other sober folks. Much more fun, too! Are you going to AA meetings much?

Love.
KJ

bjork

Thanks for all of the replies! It is anew day and I feel much better after a full night of sleep and then reading this. I ws so upset lastnight; However, this morning I feel like I may have started SR's first "High School Musical" LOL

I actually found english speaking AA meetings near me! Thank God!!!!
Italy
I am a little apprehensive about going, but I know I will eventually go though.

I'm also going to address my friend today and let her know I am not drinking and will only be available for non-drinking fun.

Thank you!!!!! You guys are so freaking helpful!!!!

Tazman53

Bjork as others have already said, do what is right for you, real friends will support you!

Glad to hear you found some English AA meetings, being aprehensive about ones first meeting is normal, it is I feel basically a fear of the unknown.

Keep this in mind, every single person at that meeting has walked in your shoes into thier first AA meeting, they have been where you are at.

yankees24

I'm with you on this question...I have no goddamn clue what to do sober besides play music and skateboard ! I cant even go out to eat without catching intense urges to grab a drink, Its just been a part of my life for long enough now that I feel so understimulated without It..But thats okay, im learning a new way to live now and though it may be a little more boring, its a lot more fufilling..

four812

awesome......this is recovery in action. YOU can do this. One day at a time.

keep up the good work...and thanks for sharing .... I so needed it right now

123bubblegum123

It took me so many times to learn that in early, early sobriety (i'd say up to AT LEAST a month) it's imperative you either a) do not hang with using friends b) only hang with them when they aren't actively using c) learn to enjoy your own (sober) company or d) make new sober friends. It's simple yet so challenging, but it will be beneficial and absolutely fundamental to your sobriety to not be around any drugs and/or alcohol. You are so early in sobriety, of course you'll be vulnerable to giving in. Why set yourself up for that? The old AA cliche is: hang around in the barber shop long enough, you'll eventually get a hair cut.

kj3880

I totally remember feeling this way in early, early recovery. I only quit to keep a good job and for my kids. I didn't want it for me at all, and I felt like I'd never have fun again. In fact, I told myself that if I wanted to, I would let myself pick up again when I retired in 6 years...lol. But after almost 15 months clean, I'm having more fun and happiness and joy and laughter then I ever did using. I'm not talking about sitting around laughing it up while reading the Bible or the basic text either (though strangly, I've seen that).

We have more fun in recovery! And I can't tell you what your fun will be, because it's different for each recovering addict. It depends on you and your interests, which you will discover more about as time goes by.

For me, I began to be interested in socializing for the first time ever. I have a little circle of friends and we all do things, go to dances, travel, talk, drink coffee at cafes, go shopping.

I have a clean boyfriend and we have great times together, cooking and learning to fix things in the house. We talk a lot. We like to go for walks and weekends away at the ocean. We love MySpace and we watch Dr Who and Snapped together. We like movies, and we go to meetings together and separately.

I talk on the phone all the time. I visit with family...theres a ton of stuff that is now fun. I wouldn't have believed it if anyone had tried to explain this to me, but it's the simple truth. Just...hang in there, stay clean, and more fun will be revealed as you get to know who you are and what your interests will now be. It will be fascinating and a wonderful journey for you, just as it is for us all. It will surpass your wildest dreams. It's ok if you don't totally believe me, I didn't believe it either. Just keep coming back, stay clean, and it'll happen. Next year, you'll be telling someone else the same thing!

Love,
KJ